Scars

In an unplanned bit of erotic buildup that almost caused Kaho to audibly squeak, their room was upgraded for free to a space that included a private onsen. Tatami floors led to an elevated platform where the bed was, and beyond that was a sliding door that opened to a secluded, enclosed nook where a small outdoor pool was flanked by rocks and shrubs.

Even Shuhei found himself blushing then nervous when he remembered Kaho’s episode.

He quickly lifted the notebook and began to write. Seeing the notebook only caused more panic to build in Kaho’s mind, but she tried to focus.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that would be here. I don’t want to seem forward, or make you feel pressured. We can change rooms if you want.”

Kaho read then shook her head. A bit of confidence flickered in her chest and she signed first then wrote her translation.

“It looks nice. Maybe after our walk?” she said.

“It. Looks. Nice.” Shuhei repeated and mimicked her hand motions.

Kaho smiled and nodded in approval.

Shuhei soon excused himself to change in the bathroom so that Kaho could have the privacy of the room while they got ready for their walk. The bathroom’s door was a simple sliding door that didn’t make full contact with the ground, so sound was still able to travel from the room to there as Shuhei removed his jacket and shirt. As he did, he heard soft shuffles of feet on mats followed by quiet ruffles of fabric bunching then sliding across skin.

Kaho let her dress slide off her chest and down her stomach before stepping out of it. She felt cold. Shame’s isolation stabbed at her with a thousand small thorns as she felt the air on her exposed limbs and scars. A tableside mirror returned the image of her ruined body back to her and she felt a hint of vomit building in her throat. Behind her, Shuhei opened the door to peak out and see if she was ready, but she didn’t hear. Her back was to him and he caught the briefest glimpse of her bared shoulders, so he stepped back into the bathroom to wait.

Trembling hands covered quivering lips as Kaho forced herself to breathe and stave off the panic. Shame could consume her in a few days, but she didn’t want to let it win today or tomorrow. Spasms shook her stomach as breaths shortened. She wanted to be better. She wanted to breathe. She wanted to be so different. All of it. She wished all of it was different. Breathing felt like pulling barbed wire through linen. None of this was how she wanted it but she had to be strong.

Then she felt a hand on her back. Without realizing it, she’d lowered into a squat, with her arms wrapped across her chest. Now Shuhei was there.

“MNooo!” Kaho audibly cried as she tried to hide her skin.

Tears ran down her cheeks as the terror welled.

Sobs broke out and she knew he’d find her disgusting or insane.

“Mno mno no no.” she wept.

All of this was a disaster she shouldn’t have come she shouldn’t have hurt herself she shouldn’t have hoped for anything better.

Shuhei felt her body seizing under his palm and knew it was a panic attack. All he could do was rub her back and lower himself to the floor to be eye level with her. His focus was on her face, but he finally saw the innumerable scars that covered every hidden inch of her skin.

“Oh, Kaho… I’m so sorry,” he said aloud without intending.

Tears cut through his eyes as he extended his left hand to rub her chest. Doing so caused his sleeve to pull up, and Kaho finally saw them.

Three jagged, rushed scars along his wrist. Mangled by a burn mark. Raised and noticeable. Not hidden with the only intention of release, but done to extinguish oneself. His face was damp from crying as he sat before her. Once he was eye level with her, she crumpled.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

She wanted him. She wanted to be better. She wanted to stay in Nikko and never return to the garish embrace of Tokyo.

Her hands reached for him and he slowly scooped her into his arms. He didn’t sign. He didn’t write or try to speak. All he did was hold her as her hands and knees pulled as tight as they could to hide her humiliation.

Warm streaks ran from his face to hers. Minutes passed with nothing but sniffs and sobs sounding out for the silence to hear.

He made sure not to touch her scars.

She felt herself clawing for The Surface. Desperate strokes ripped her body up from the depths as she begged for air. She had to swim. She had to reach the breaks. This wasn’t how she wanted her last days with him to feel.

Her lips wanted find his so that he could exhale a bit of life into her lungs one last tiime. So she breathed in. Then she exhaled. Then she breathed in. Then she exhaled. Again and again. He noticed and joined her in the exercise as he rubbed her back and kept his palm above her breast, over her heart. Soft kisses adorned her head as her weakened fingers clung to his thigh and wrist for support.

Bit by bit, it faded.

Rainfall arrived, sending pattering drops across the window. Outside, everything turned blue and muted as the clouds hid the sun for their afternoon performance. Everything in the room turned cool and soft as shadows faded from the absence of light.

Kaho finally opened her eyes and he was still there. Her hand raised to touch his face and his brow turned upwards in relief.

Smooth features blended into hardened cheekbones and deep browlines. Statuesque lips parted as his eyes closed and he allowed his face to sink into her hands. He felt her. She felt him.

“Kaho… I…” Shuhei said aloud as he signed.

Her heart threatened to explode. All she could do was shake her head and try to stop him. If this was the beginning of the end, she at least wanted to spare them both from having to endure him saying it.

She motioned a scribbling gesture, asking him for the notebook. When he crawled away to retrieve it, she pulled a blanket off the bed and wrapped her body.

“You don’t have to say it. I know this is goodbye. I’m so thankful for everything, Shuhei. And I’m so thankful we got to have a little more time together. But I understand if you want to end this. And I’m not mad. I just want you happy.”

Shuhei read the note. His perplexed expression confused Kaho. When he shook his head, she became even more confused.

“No, Kaho that’s not what I was going to say. I wanted to say…”

Shaking hands almost dropped the notebook as he flipped to the pages Kaho had accidentally seen.

“I wanted to say…”

He stopped and wiped his eyes before looking at her.

“I have enjoyed these weeks with you.”

“You are a beautiful person.”

“I’m sorry… for being what I am.”

His addition was something that she hadn’t seen in her brief glance. Each gesture of his hands was rehearsed and uncertain, but he continued, speaking aloud as he signed so that she could also read his lips.

“But I don’t want to be that anymore. I don’t want to be a host anymore. I want to be with you. I want to learn more about you. I want to let you learn about me. If you will have me.”

None of his words made sense to her. This was the opposite of what she was expecting.

“But why? I am nothing. You can do so much better than me. I am broken, and mutilated. You don’t want me.”

His throat caught as he read her words and he shook his head again.

“No. That isn’t true. You are not broken. And you are not mutilated. You are beautiful. That is all I see when I look at you.”

Confusion clashed with longing as she read.

“But you came back to be a host. You had a reason for that. I thought you had a plan for something?” she asked.

He inhaled and started to write, but had to stop to calm himself.

“I…”

Tears returned for him and he shook his head.

“I can tell you everything. I wanted to. I wanted to so you’d know all of my secrets. I am afraid of what you will think of me afterwards, but I don’t want to hide anything else from you anymore.”