CH-12 (WHERE DO YOUR TRUE FEELINGS LIE?)

Middle school me was a different person altogether. I’d dive into project after project, writing every single day, all in the hope of showing the world just how incredible she could be.

I used to put in more effort than anyone. I would spend countless sleepless nights, writing one chapter after the other, spending my time researching on various topics, answering to the demands of my editors and whatnot. I was literally a machine.

But deep down, I knew that it was all a sham. 

That I had no real talent. 

That my scripts were chosen only because Akeno had rejected everyone else’s. 

I felt like nothing but a failure, like my work held no meaning of its own. The only reason I was in the spotlight at all was because of Akeno.

It’s because of my own insecurities, that I had decided to severe our relationship that day. Although I was prepared for the worst, her expression left me wounded deeply. But I knew for a fact that I couldn’t go back to her, for I would be lying to myself if I did that.

But God had other plans, as that was the same day I managed to meet her, of all people.

Kurosawa Emi.

The girl I admired from a distance.

She was my senpai, in the middle school I used to attend.

The daughter of Kurosawa Takashi, she was always the talk of the class. Both the teachers and the students were afraid of her, as her attitude wasn’t exactly notable. Yet, she didn’t care, for she was a delinquent. She would skip school regularly, visiting the shopping districts, arcades and restaurants. She was not exactly a model child that parents would aspire their kids to become. She couldn’t care less about her father’s reputation, for she had forsaken the world. Or was it the world that had forsaken her?

Yet, I always kept watching her, over a distance. Was it because I aspired to be like her? Who knows?

She had such lonely eyes, yet seemed free from the shackles of society. And here I was, always afraid of being judged, giving into other’s demands, in order to maintain the harmonious lifestyle that I had carefully crafted.

To be honest, I always admired her, even though I was somewhat aware about her rough situation back at home.

Maybe it was because she had single-handedly saved me once from a group of delinquents, by beating them up, that I had developed a soft spot for her.

Then came the fateful day.

That day, we had decided to share a kiss, under the starry night sky, because of her momentary lapse in judgement. It looked like she wasn’t exactly sure of her feelings, but I was, which is why, I had already decided what to do next. The next time we crossed paths, I would lay my feelings bare to her. Maybe I might get back to writing as well, if it was for her sake.

But fate had other plans for me.

On the day of her graduation ceremony in middle school, I had secretly placed a letter in her shoe locker, expecting her to come and meet me at the rooftop.

But the person who found me first, was Akeno.

She had come searching for me, in order to talk things out with me. She wanted us to go back to how we used to be. But I was adamant. I knew deep down, that I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself, that I would be lying to my own feelings, if I ever did listen to her.

I wanted to drive her away, saying that I had more important things to attend to.

“Is it because of a woman?”

“Does it really matter?”, I had replied her back, while averting my eyes from her.

That was my single biggest mistake.

For, what followed next were a series of uncalculated mishaps, if I were to describe.

Akeno had pressed her lips against mine, kissing me forcefully, while being teary eyed.

And at the same exact moment, with the corner of my eyes, at a distance I saw Emi-senpai, standing next to the entrance of the rooftop, with her gaze fixed to mine.

She could’ve shouted, hurled slurs at me, punched me or could’ve just beaten me to a pulp. Honestly, that would’ve been a much better fate.

But she didn’t do anything remotely similar to that.

Instead, she turned around, teary eyed, and ran away, never even speaking a word.

She chose to abandon me.

And today, here I am, at the very same rooftop, about to meet Emi-senpai once again.

___________________________________________________________________________

“So, Kouhai-kun, why did you decide to call me at this hour?”, asked she, gazing across the stars that engulfed the night sky above us.

Perhaps she had already sensed what I was about to say.

“That picture….

It was you who had leaked it.

Am I correct?”

She didn’t say anything. Instead, she just kept gazing onto the stars. Then, taking a deep breath, she said,

“Say Kouhai-kun, have you ever hated someone before? So much so that you wished he/she didn’t exist.”

“Yes….., I have.”

“So, how did you deal with them?”

“Pretty simple, actually! I kept on torturing him every day, so much so that he would lose his motivation to keep on living.

Because the person I hated the most,

was myself.”

“I’m sorry, Kouhai-kun!

I’m not as capable as you,

nor am I as endearing and strong as Akeno.

I’m a jealous woman, Kouhai-kun,

A repulsive woman, with nothing but a wicked heart.

I won’t expect forgiveness from you,

But the least I can do is never to show my face to you again.”

“May I ask one final thing, senpai.”

“Go ahead!”

“Why did you do it?”

“Why do you think?

I was jealous of her, jealous about her acting career, jealous of her popularity, jealous of the affection that he had received from my father, and whatnot. She had seen our father smile, the same smile, which he refused to share us back home.

So, I did what I do best.

Destroyed the things that she valued.

Her career, her connections, her name,

I tarnished them all.

Don’t you hate me now, Kouhai-kun?

Don’t you think I’m a hideous woman, someone who deserves punishment worse than death?”

“LIAR.......!”, shouted I, at the top of my lungs.

“Kouhai….kun?”

“You are a terrible liar, senpai.”

“Excuse me?”

“Aside from confessing to leaking the picture, everything else you said was a lie."

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY’RE ALL LIES?

DO YOU EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY FEELINGS?

YOU AREN’T EVEN IN MY SHOES TO BEGIN WITH!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO ROBBED AWAY FROM JOY, AND HAPPINESS, ONLY TO BE LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT SORROW?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH?

Sniff… Snifff…

I had spent endless days, all alone, in that godforsaken place I called home. Day after day, I had been nothing but a subject of neglect from both my parents.

All because she had stolen my father from me."

I couldn’t bear to watch her like this. This wasn’t the Emi-senpai I admired. I could sense that she was putting up a brave front, purposefully tarnishing herself, hurting herself in the process.

So, I did what I had always been good at.

I extended my arms, and hugged her.

“Get off me…….., Kouhai-kun!

Get off me……..

Leave me alone…………..”

But I didn’t listen to her. Instead, I brought my mouth closer to her ear, and whispered,

“You are still not being honest with yourself, senpai. 

And because of that, I still can’t hate you. 

Sure, you might’ve harbored some feelings of hatred towards Akeno, and I’m not denying those feelings of yours.

But those feelings weren’t sufficient enough for you to act this way. 

If anything, what you did came from your love for her, rather than hatred.”

“What do you mean……? I just gave you enough reasons- ”

“So then, can you explain me this?”, said I, handing her a folder.

She was shocked to see it.

“That’s….! How did you get it?”

“Mr. Kurosawa told me everything. About Akeno and you, and your plan to bring us closer.”

The folder contained the contract that Emi-senpai had signed, alongside Akeno.

It listed the conditions that both of them had to abide by.

Among one of the conditions, Emi-senpai had agreed to leaking the photo of our intimate moments, so as to solidify my position as her boyfriend.

“You sacrificed your happiness over hers, so that she could be with me. That was your part of your deal, even if Akeno had objected to it. 

Isn’t that right, Emi-senpai?”

But Emi-senpai didn’t say anything. Instead, she just sat there, with me, weeping. Meanwhile, I kept holding onto her in my arms.

Finally, after a couple of minutes, she stopped.

Then, with her red teary eyes, she looked at my face, and said,

“You’re unfair, Kouhai-kun! You always peer into my heart without my permission.

But tell me something.

Is it wrong for me to look out for my sister?

I just wanted what’s best for her.

Don’t you love her too, Kouhai-kun?

Don’t you want to spend the rest of your lives with her?

Don’t you want to keep the promise that you made to her?”

“Senpai, I- I don’t know.

I’m not sure what I should do,

Especially now that I’ve learnt the truth.”

“You’re so pathetic.”

“I know.”

“But so am I.”

We sat in silence for some time, gazing at the stars engulfing the sky.

Finally, she spoke out.

“I’m sorry Kouhai-kun, for hiding this from you so long. I owe you an apology for this.

I was the one who manipulated you, even though I was aware about your feelings.”

“Then tell me something, senpai, and be honest about your feelings for once.

That night of the fireworks festival,

It was you who confessed to me over the cellphone,

Isn’t that right?”

Emi-senpai stared at me, dumbfounded.

“How did you…..”

“I have sharp ears, you know? You probably must’ve hidden somewhere behind us, during the festival.

Just when the fireworks exploded, you confessed, being sure that I wouldn’t be able to discern your voice from hers, due to the explosion.

But you forgot about just one tiny thing, senpai!

The echo of the fireworks explosion.”

Looks like Emi-senpai had finally caught on to it.

To put things simply, I was able to hear the explosion twice, once with my own ears, when it exploded, and the second time, through my phone, due to the time lag.

“What do you want from me now, Kouhai-kun?”

“Just an answer to this one question.

Even after all this, why are you trying to leave me?”

“Kouhai-kun, that’s…”, she averted her eyes.

“I heard from your father, about how you pleaded him to take you away from Japan, to USA. Why did you do something like that?”

“Because I desperate enough to have the taste of success that Akeno already enjoyed.

Because I wanted to work in the industry.

Because I wanted my work to be recognized.”

“Is that so?

Or is it because you couldn’t bear watching us grow closer together, that you wanted to run away?

ANSWER ME SENPAI!”

“Kouhai-kun…..”

“Where do your true feelings lie senpai?

Tell me, senpai, where?

Where? Where? Where?”

She didn’t answer to my question. 

Instead, she stood up, and ran away, with tears in her eyes, leaving me behind.

Just like how it went, 3 years ago.

And this time too, I didn’t manage to chase after her.

Instead, here I was, curled up, sitting on the rooftop, gazing at the night sky, which was now filled with clouds.

My eyelids felt unusually moist. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t used to shedding tears in the first place.

I looked at my smartphone. It was already past midnight. I could see a bunch of missed calls from Akeno, but I didn’t have the will to respond to her back.

I was at my wit’s end. The emotions that I had been suppressing until now, came down pouring all together, just like this heavy rain that engulfed the city tonight. My brain was aware of my circumstances, but my heart wasn’t ready to accept it yet.

Emi-senpai has already decided to move to USA with her father, after her graduation ceremony, which was supposed to be tomorrow. Looks like I would have to be the one to oversee the cultural festival then. 

Tomorrow might be the last time we would ever cross paths.

Was this my divine punishment? A consequence to my actions? I do not know.

Nonetheless, I had to accept it. For both of their sakes.

I didn’t realize it sooner, but I had inadvertently started weeping. Perhaps this was my fate, my destiny to be abandoned yet again.

I huddled on the floor of the rooftop, trying to suppress the feelings that I had once harbored for her. Tomorrow, when the sun rises, I shall be a new man. But I knew I had to be strong enough, to carry forward this burden of mine.