The Rooftop Under the Stars (continued)

“You know, I’m a bit glad I got to see your face panic back there. Is that mean?” I asked.

“What is there to be glad about?” Aoi seemed confused.

“It’s just, a year back I realized how awful it was to not have you around anymore. You really do feel how important something is once you don’t have it anymore." I felt saddened remembering what had happened last time. "It felt a little unfair that you didn’t feel that way back then.”

“Is that what you thought?” Aoi let out a subtle sigh. I nodded back.

“But now, I could clearly see, with all the fear in your eyes, that you were truly scared of losing me, too. Am I allowed to be proud of that? It only took you a year didn’t it? You’re sure slow.” I pointed at him, trying to tease him. “My revenge is complete!” I said, celebrating with a thumbs up.

Aoi didn’t seem disturbed in any way, and simply sat there, emotionless, for a few moments. I assumed he was deep in thought, so I just waited for him as I looked at the stars.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into all this, Mika.” Aoi finally found his words.

“What are you sorry for?”

“I acted bigger than I was, like I was some kind of hero. I thought I was larger than life and could help a girl out of her sadness and loneliness. Help her, help you, find your dream. I was irresponsible, and I didn’t have the strength to do what I told myself I could do.” Aoi seemed somewhat plagued by anger and regret. “All I did was ignore the consequences of my actions, and once I stopped ignoring them, all my memories came flooding back, and that made me unable to move forward.” I noticed Aoi clenching his fist, so I just waited for a few seconds.

“I don’t blame you. That Hikari person really sounds kinda awesome.” Everything I heard about Hikari was simply amazing. Perhaps it’s the rose tinted glasses of the past, or maybe she really was that incredible. Either way, I respected her.

“He told you about Hikari?” Aoi seemed surprised.

“Very vaguely and with a lot of difficulty.” I tried to be humorous, but the topic was too serious, so I ended up just being awkward. Aoi sighed. He probably understood how difficult that topic was for his brother.

“That story sounded really tough,” I said. I couldn’t help but feel extremely saddened, imagining the pain they both felt. “But really, why didn't you talk to me about it?”

“I didn’t want to get in the way of your dreams,” he said. I wanted to disagree with him furiously. I had built up a lot of feelings over time, and I had thought about it in many different ways, but in the end too much time had passed for any of that to matter. The anger wasn’t worth it.

“I tried to tell you, but I didn’t really want to do this alone.” I managed to remain calm. “It was fun, I fulfilled some of my dreams, and made some friends. But in the end, it was still quite lonely.” Of course, I couldn’t spare him completely, I had to show him how painful it was for me somehow. I stopped for a little, wondering if I should remind him of what he told me. “I remember you said I didn’t have to do this alone.”

Aoi looked downcast, and while I did want him to feel some remorse, I didn't want to push him too hard. It wouldn't change much, anyway. Especially since it seemed like we had both moved on.

“I thought we were closer than that, that we could do it together. I guess I was wrong.” I was unable to hide my disappointment as I spoke. “I’m sorry for having my hopes rely on you, even if I’m also pretty happy with how things went in the end.” 

He stayed silent, full of regret. But even then, he didn’t seem to want to fix our relationship. That was probably a good thing, because I didn’t know if I wanted to either.

“If I had told you about me and my past, would you have worked as hard as you did?” he asked.

“I guess we’ll never know…” I reminisced while looking at the stars. “That is a different story that we’re not a part of.” I took in some of the chilly night air. That night had a strange mix of sadness and relief. I decided to let Aoi know of my plans.

“That’s all in the past now,” I said. It was time to think about the future. “I decided I’m retiring soon.”

Aoi seemed shocked for a brief moment, but then was lost in thought, probably trying to figure it out by himself instead of asking. A classic flaw of his that I was already used to.

“I don’t regret any of it,” I continued, “in fact you could say I loved it.” I was smiling thinking back on all the memories I had built over the past year. “But it ends here.”

Aoi was saddened, and remained silent. His long silences made me nervous, just like they did before. But that was fine, because I knew him better now, and because I had more to talk about still.

“It’s funny, my whole life I felt like I was treated like an outsider, just because of how I looked.” I grabbed my hair to see its color, which had slowly faded over the years. “But in the end I found you, and a group of friends that didn’t care at all.” I laughed a little at the irony. “Yet my audience. Would they like me still if they knew? Would they treat me the same?”

“I’m sure they would.” Aoi felt the need to answer that one.

“Yeah, well, we’ll never find out, right? So worrying about all that is pointless. It just never mattered. It’s a strange feeling to be worried all my life for something that doesn’t matter! Don’t you think so?” I heard the door to the rooftop open, and there were footsteps approaching quickly. I knew I had been a little naughty, and my time was up.

“Don't miss my last concert alright?” I gave Aoi the cutest face I could make in those conditions, which, being recently hospitalized, was probably not great.

“Nothing could make me miss it.” Aoi smiled in a way that I had never seen before. I found it hard to look away.

At that point a large group of hospital staff came to scold me, and dragged me back to bed. I was just happy that I got to see Aoi. The staff however, saw him as an intruder and tried to kick him out of the hospital. At least he gave me one final laugh before he left.