I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

“Alright, spill the info. I wanna get the fuck out of this place before the furries start showing up.”

“To your surprise, most of the furries are cooped up…” Haru said while signing novels like a damn printer. “They’ve been replaced by Umamusume fans.”

“You kidding me? Seriously? Well, I guess that’s a big win for everyone.”

“It is, actually. Now then… about Ashley… I really don’t know where she is ex—”

“Hiro, Hiro! Would you have sex with me if I were a worm?” Aya came up to me holding a doujin in her hand.

To keep what little sanity I had left, I decided not to even look at the cover of that doujin and do what any moderately sane person would do in this situation: bitchslap her.

“Shut your fucking mouth. Haru’s about to drop an info dump.”

“Hiro! Why? I thought I…” Aya was doing that blushing thing, and it wouldn’t have bothered me if it was just another one of her tricks and she wasn’t genuinely high as fuck from Haru’s diffuser. “Wait, info dump?”

“Yes, basically telling people a bunch of unnecessary things about the plot just to catch you up way too much. Of course it has to be said in an absurdly amateur way that makes you question why it was even needed,” Haru commented while people came and went from her stand.

“To us?” Aya asked, rubbing her cheek.

“Not to us, Aya, to them. Look, better leave it there, it’s not that important,” I said, turning my attention back to Haru.

“It’s curious the drug wore off so fast on you, Hiro…” Haru examined her diffuser to check it was working properly.

“I guess I’m lucky.”

“Or you have plot armor,” she muttered, putting it back in place.

“Or plot armor, yeah maybe. Whatever the reason, turn that fucking thing off, I need Aya back to normal.”

“I would if I could, Hiro, but this beauty is guaranteed marketing, so sorry, can’t do it.”

“Hiro, Hiro! And if I were me, through Franz Kafka, in the body of a cockroach, would you have sex—mphdphf!” The only way to shut her up without knocking her out was to shove the barrel of my gun straight into her mouth.
Trust me, I really wanted to put her to sleep, just not sure if temporarily or permanently.

“Summarize, Haru, please,” I insisted, tapping the stand table with my fingers.

“Uhh, yeah, considering how hard it’s hitting her, best to do this quick and orderly, for both your sakes.”

“Fuck that, just summarize,” I insisted. “…please.”

“Wow, Hiro, how polite and we barely know each other…” she said, signing one last novel before focusing on me.

“Yeah, I don’t know… gotta be.”

“Or someone is making you be.”

“I lean more toward that, but whatever…”

“Yeah, pretty redundant. Let’s get to the point: Ashley is a partial investor in a nightclub downtown. I can’t guarantee she’s there, honestly that woman is untraceable, but I’m one hundred percent sure someone inside will have more info than I do.”

“Bet it’s a gay club.”

“What does it matter if it’s a gay club, Hiro?”

“No, it doesn’t matter, I just mentioned it… ah, forget it.”

“Ah! Hiro! Would you have sex with me if I had a dick? And I mean one of those thick veiny ones like in the doujins here,” Aya said, finally taking my gun barrel out of her mouth.

“Aya…”

“I think I’d better turn the diffuser off for a bit…” Haru said.

“Sorry, sorry, I’ll shut up!” Aya said, putting the barrel back in her mouth.

“Fucking idiot, you don’t have to do that!” While Haru explained how to get to the club, I was basically trying to stop Aya from giving a blowjob to my gun.

“I wanna make one thing clear, Hiro, I can’t guarantee Ashley doesn’t know you’re coming. Like I said before, this place is full of ears.”

“Yeah, I know, don’t worry about that.”

“And… I’ve got a bad feeling about what’s coming…” she said, handing me one of her already-signed novels. “Little gift.”

“Ah, thanks, I really like your work.”

“Looks like someone’s speaking for you, Hiro.”

“Probably… does it matter?”

“No, not really. Try not to die if you wanna keep reading my stuff.”

“Hiro! Do you want me to be gay for you? Because I can be gay for you… very gay…” Aya said, finally releasing my gun.

“Seriously shut the fuck up. I’m this close to seeing if I can split your head in two with my bare hands,” I said, grabbing Aya by the cheeks.

“H-Hiro… here? You’re… you’re so close… I can feel the heat of your breath…” The more she talked, the redder her face got.

“That’s it, I can’t take this shit anymore. Haru!”

“Yeah?”

“Can I have some stickers?”

“Uhm… sure, take whichever you want.”

What? What the hell you all think I did? Don’t fuck with me, I’m not some goddamn monster or anything. I just plastered Aya’s face with stickers like a mummy. It was that or knock her out, and if getting here was already a pain in the ass, imagine carrying this idiot’s limp body back to the car.

“Ah, Hiro, one last thing…” Haru spoke again while signing another batch of books. “Don’t have that dumb moment of second-guessing when the time comes…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Just saying… see you later. Take her before she manages to peel off the stickers.”