Left Eye

She had walked for hours with bare feet. Rain poured down on her. It had been raining for five days straight in Central City. Strange things were happening in the city, things that she had no interest in learning more about. No matter how far she tried to run, however, those events seemed to follow her.

The girl Y.O.L.I, who COT seemed so adamant on controlling, had been found and taken back to the headquarters. She was quickly captured again by supposed gang members a few days ago, and the day after she was taken, she and an unidentified man escaped Central City. This caused an uproar in the SPS command. It was suspected that a member of the SPS had aided in their escape. Natsu had been ordered to investigate the suspect to get any information on the girl's location or her captor.

She was tired of hearing the same vague details about the case over and over again. A girl from the past showed up, frozen in ice, and suddenly the entire country was obsessed with her. "The most innocent human on earth"; that's what they called her. It irritated her. She hated the girl for no apparent reason. She was even more frustrated by the lack of information. It should've been so easy to find the identity of the man who took her, but either COT investigators were getting lazy, or someone was working hard to conceal his identity.

COT tried to make it sound like everything was under control, but the truth was that they had no idea who the man was. Name and age were unknown. All they knew was that he was a male with long hair. The darkness on the night of the chase made it hard for them to see him, and the men who had seen him up close died shortly after.

Here's what she knew for certain: the girl ran away from COT a short time after she was discovered. For a long period of time, her whereabouts were unknown. Then, weeks later, she was seen in a town hours away from Central City. She was staying in an underground bunker with two men. COT had returned to the bunker to question them, but only one man was found there. He was cleared of suspicion. He had told investigators that he had no idea who the mysterious man staying there that night was, and that he was simply a homeless person who asked to sleep there for the night.

It was said that the man could have come looking for the girl after she was taken back to COT, but there was an endless supply of young men who visited the headquarters asking about her. It would be impossible to pin down one single person.

Then, the girl was taken in the night, whisked away without a trace. Immediately, COT sent SPS to search the city for her, and the next day, there was a chase through the city where a hooded man and woman escaped by motorcycle. According to reports, they got away when a loose vehicle got in the way. The girl had been wearing clothes that were taken by COT for DNA analysis, but they too vanished when the girl did.

Natsu walked over trash and glass shards, and oncoming cars splashed water on her as they passed. She didn't care. She couldn't differentiate her tears from the raindrops falling on her face. It had been two days since she'd seen the guy she liked having sex with her coworker.

She couldn't erase the sight from her mind. Natsu was a whore, she wasn't afraid to admit it. She did dirty work for money, but that didn't mean she had a dirty heart. She truly had feelings for Takuya. He was one of the only men to show her kindness and dignity during her time working for COT. When she felt like she was only an object, he made her feel like a person. Someone like that was valuable to her, and losing him was a knife to the heart.

Natsu couldn't think of anything else, and it was affecting her work. Since leaving Hajime's house in a storm of anger, she had decided to give up on him. Another girl would have better luck, surely. She didn't want him to be the start of a bad luck streak. Even though it was just work, trying to go after Hajime again only made her think of Takuya even more.

That's what she told herself, at least. She couldn't stay in a protected facility either. Nothing felt good anymore.

She stopped outside his apartment building, looking at his door with dread. Hajime was not a friendly person. He was not welcoming, and he was not kind. He was the typical cold and calculated person you expected to be working for the SPS. She hated him. She thought he was disgusting and someone she did not enjoy being around. They were complete opposites...

A cold wind blew past her, and she crossed her arms with a shiver.

Knock Knock

A minute passed, and she knocked again. The door opened a crack, and the man peeked out. "Hello, are you busy?" she asked.

"Hmm...um..." he looked away from her. He seemed embarrassed. "One minute."

He shut the door again, and she stood on his porch feeling slightly confused. He didn't sound opposed to her visiting, but was clearly bothered by something. Maybe she'd caught him at a bad time?

When he came back to get her, he opened the door and returned inside while drying his hair with a towel. So he just got out of the shower, she thought. She followed him inside. His place was the same as it had been when she saw him a few days ago.

"What do you want?" he asked straight up. He stood at a distance, but she didn't mind. She didn't want to be close to him either.

"I..." She couldn't make eye contact with him. She felt filthy for going to him as a last resort. She thought that if she were to go to anyone, she might as well go to the man who could earn her some money. "Some things have happened since I saw you, and I have nowhere to go."

He raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to elaborate.

"I'm tired of living in the protected facilities, but I don't want to live alone. You know it's...it's not safe out there," she muttered. She felt shy with him looking down on her.

"You want to live here?" he scowled. "I don't know you, I don't want to sleep with you, and I'm not going to tell you anything."

"Ouch."

"You wouldn't want to live with me anyway. Isn't there a girl from work you can stay with?"

She shook her head. He wasn't holding back at all. There wasn't a single person in the city she could trust. She felt tears welling up in her eyes, but she couldn't leave. She couldn't move either, and the fear and sadness that had been building up inside her felt too overwhelming to handle.

"Do whatever you want," Hajime grumbled, turning his back to her. She was stunned. Was this a roundabout way of saying it was okay for her to stay? She knew he must be annoyed with her.

He sat down on the floor and started flipping through a decent stack of paper that had been sitting on the kitchen counter. She awkwardly looked around the room, inching closer to him with curiosity. Do those papers have anything to do with...Y.O.L.I? she wondered.

"You can look, it's not what you think it is," He said carelessly. She sat down next to him, and their proximity made her sick. "A friend of mine is writing a book, and asked me to proofread for him."

"A book?" she groaned, rolling her eyes. "Is it about something interesting at least?"

"Theories he's come up with about COT, the one world order, things like that."

"So he's just a conspiracy theorist."

"A schizo, too. That guy isn't right in the head..." he stared at the pages, mulling over each word written down. As she read it along with him, it seemed more like incoherent ramblings than a book. She slapped her hand on top of the paper and slid it away from him. He glared at her silently, either too tired or bored to care.

"Let's do something fun!" she said with a smile. Even though she told herself she had given up on her job, she couldn't accept defeat. Subconsciously, she was still trying to get something from him. Information, or victory- it didn't matter. She pushed him down and was surprised when he didn't put up a fight. Awkward...

He looked up at her with one dead eye and a plain frown that stirred anger in the pit of her stomach. "I told you I wasn't interested," he said. Her eye twitched. She got off of him, rubbing her cheek from embarrassment. Looking at his side profile, he was a normal-looking man in his 30s, but she knew that was not the truth. There was something wrong with him. She could feel it.

His eye.

Hajime's left eye was gone; instead, the spot was filled by a large discolored scar. She'd wanted to know what caused it since she met him, but she didn't dare ask.

"If you don't mind, I'm curious about your eye," she asked carefully. Would he be offended?

"Yeah, I get questions about it all the time," he answered. He was surprisingly calm about it, as if it were the most normal thing she could've asked. "Do you care, or is this just to get me to put my guard down?"

"Hmph! You think I'm as manipulative as that? I genuinely want to know."

"'Kay then. When I was twelve, my dad slashed me in the face with a chainsaw."

Silence filled the room. She wanted him to continue, but he didn't.

"On purpose...?"

"Yep. On purpose," he stared at the blank TV screen in front of them. Sick. So sick. Her stomach was turning knots. "He was a mean man, but I don't hate him for what he did. If he hadn't been so tough on my brothers and me, we wouldn't have survived in this world."

She couldn't begin to imagine how much he'd gone through.

"I'm the youngest of five. Three brothers, one sister. My mom was some kind of baby machine," he chuckled. "My eldest brother got into some bad stuff when he was in his twenties, and he showed it to the rest of us. A man who lived down the street from my family had a really good plug, and my brother got a lot of drugs from him."

Natsu's face contorted as she listened to his story. It got worse and worse as he went on, and she almost wanted to tell him to stop.

"They went ahead and gave me some dope, which I couldn't say no to. I really looked up to them. My brothers were so cool..." he smiled. "So, I started doing that shit and couldn't stop myself."

"Your brothers are so irresponsible! That's terrible."

He shrugged. "They were young, too," he coughed and continued his story. "I got desperate because my brother stopped getting it for me, so I stole a ton of money from my parents. When my dad found out, he was pissed, as you'd expect. My family couldn't afford to eat because of me, and we had to ask for help from our extended family. That's why he cut me," he finished.

"T-that's it? Are you not going to say anything else? How the hell did you survive that!?"

He laughed, and a sweet grin covered his face. She hadn't seen him look so happy before- she really thought he wasn't capable of smiling.

"There isn't anything to add. He cut me, but it wasn't deep enough to kill me. My eye wasn't functioning anymore. They had to take it out. My skin covers the spot where my eye was, so thankfully I don't have a hole in my face."

He paused and continued as another thought came to him. "That's why I joined the SPS. You can't be a thief, especially not one who'd steal from his own family. It's shameful. Real men work for everything they've got. They put real blood and sweat into their work, all so that they can pay the rent, and maybe have a little left over for some booze and a woman."

"You're not...still doing drugs, are you?"

He snorted, covering his mouth with his hand. To him, Natsu must have seemed extremely naive. "I dabble," he answered.

The night went on, and the pair warmed up to each other despite their terrible introduction. Still, something felt wrong to her. No matter how many hours passed, the cold wall surrounding Hajime never let up. His smile, his laugh, and his teasing were nothing but a veil to hide whatever was underneath the scars that stained his skin. They sipped tea late into the night, but Hajime got tired and turned in for the night.

The dark living room was too spacious to feel like a lived-in home. If Hajime had forsaken his emotions and even his attachment to the physical world, then there was no need for possessions. Nothing could make him sentimental, just like nothing could make him see her as anything more than a pest.

2 am.

She wanted to be touched.

"I'm going out," she yelled to him, but got no response. He was already asleep, but it wasn't like he would care where she went. She was just a visitor.

Natsu slipped out of the apartment. Walking down wet stairs, her feet grew cold, as her entire body had been warmed by Hajime's house and their combined body heat. She was not dressed for this weather. She almost considered going back to take one of his coats with her, but she couldn't be bothered.

"Takuya..." a name glided off her lips like honey. Someone she couldn't get off her mind.

The only man she had ever loved. He showed up in her life at a time when she couldn't tell right from left, when she was stuck in the same boring cycles. He was different. A kind of special that sweeps you off your feet. He had charisma and was the happy-go-lucky type who'd never fail to cheer you up. With beautiful white hair that framed his soft cheeks as if he were a prince, he was hotter than any man she'd been with before.

Natsu, in all her years of work, had believed that men were all animalistic creatures beyond saving. Nobody had stopped to see her as human- no, she was just meat to them.

He would never treat her that way. He did not want her for her body, but for her brain. And yet...

She stopped. A person stood in front of her, but she couldn't see them clearly through the tears blurring her sight. They came towards her, and she sensed danger.

Wiping her eyes, she could see Takuya.

"How did you know I was here?" she asked, fear evident in her voice.

"I followed you home, of course!" he laughed happily. He grabbed her and held her against his chest forcefully. Natsu pushed away, but the man had tricks up his sleeve. Cold metal pressed into her neck, a dull blade ready to annihilate. "What were you doing with that man?"

His tone was unsettling, an upbeat one that betrayed his true intentions.

"We...we were just hanging out. Nothing out of the ordinary," she stammered.

"That was Hajime, the one you're supposed to be investigating? You should have his information by now, huh, babe?" he cooed. "Come on, don't pout~ I'm just checking on you. 'Ya know, Megumi has been really worried about you. If it turns out you've been helping that man, it'll be big trouble for her and your entire department!"

"I'm- I'm not working with him! I was trying to get as much info as I could, and I will!"

She couldn't move. The knife to her neck dared her to. Leaving Hajime's house had been a mistake, but how could she have known? Nobody was around to save her. Nobody would know. Nobody would care- care that the whore Natsu had been eliminated that night.

Takuya hugged her, unexpectedly, and the knife he gripped in his right hand slowly trailed down her back. She knew his fantasies must be even darker than her own.

"You were never very appealing to me, baby. You're just like every woman I've been with...so, so boring. Sticking my dick in you was such a chore~ Megumi really gets me going, and she isn't needy like you, baby. I hope you don't hate me though, 'cuz I did enjoy seeing you cry," he snickered. Her ears were ringing, and her eyes refused to show her the world. The pain in her chest was so severe, she thought she had already been stabbed.

Maybe dying in his arms wouldn't be that bad.

Bang!

A gunshot rang out, and a bullet twisted through the air in a deadly dance with the rain. "G-GAHHHH!" Takuya screamed and fell to the ground, clawing at his chest as his body contorted in agony. His eyes rolled back in his head, and he begged for mercy, blood bubbling up in his throat and pouring down the corners of his lips.

Someone wrapped their arm around her and turned her head away from the body lying on the ground. Their hand held her head tenderly, but with firmness. Her eyes were unable to see anything outside of the fabric the person wore, and another gunshot was fired, this time right next to her.

They turned her around and uncovered her eyes. When she looked up, her body shaking, Hajime was looking back at her.

Calm. She was calm. The fear that had been building over the short minutes her life had been threatened ebbed. Hajime's hand steadied her by the shoulder, and they began to walk away from the body lying on the ground. She didn't try to sneak a glance at Takuya. She didn't want to.

Wherever he had been shot, he was dead.

"How did you know..." she asked in a flat tone. "I thought you were asleep."

"You were acting weird all night. I heard you leave, and I suspected you might be getting into trouble, but I didn't expect something like this..."

"So the SPS can murder whoever they want? Is Central City like the wild west?" Natsu asked him. She'd seen people die before, but nothing like this. Nothing as horrific as watching the man you love bleed out in front of your eyes.

"He was committing a crime. Nobody would care what happened to him," Hajime replied matter-of-factly.

"B-but he worked for COT! They'll notice right away and figure out that it was you!" she rebuttled.

Why am I acting like I'm worried for him? I don't care what happens to this man...she thought.

They returned to his apartment, and she stood in the entrance staring at her feet. He didn't bother to turn on the lights. He went back to his bedroom after hanging up his coat and shut the door. His actions seemed cold in comparison to the somewhat warm Hajime who'd just saved her life. When she realized he had rescued her, she even thought he was being nice to her. The way he shielded her eyes, so she didn't have to see the death he would cause- the way he grounded her and seemed to think through his every action methodically- those actions were enough to make her heartbeat quicken.

Still, she couldn't push the sadness out of her heart. Takuya wanted to kill her, but Hajime had killed him instead. Takuya, the one she loved and wanted desperately to love her back.

Natsu started to cry as she realized she would never feel his touch or hear his voice ever again. The image of his face as he died was plastered in her mind like the afterimage of the sun. His gorgeous white hair dyed red...and sparkling eyes so wide it appeared that death was the best pleasure the man had felt in his life.

Like a zombie, she walked towards his bedroom. Natsu let herself in.

It was dark, but she didn't need the light. Hajime had probably undressed already, and she didn't want to see that.

"Hajime?" she whispered. The man rustled in bed until he finally sat up. He reminded her of a kid who doesn't want to get up for school. She could only see the faint outline of his figure as her eyes adjusted to the true darkness in the room. A tiny red light shone near the floor from a somewhat loud heater.

"Can I sleep in here with you? I won't try anything weird, I promise."

"Whatever," he flopped back down onto his pillow, rolling onto his side and ignoring her again. She laid on the other side of the bed, keeping a large gap between them. The ceiling appeared so far away. She lifted her hand and held it there. She wanted to grab salvation, and maybe forgiveness too.

Many awkward minutes passed in silence. She could hear his rhythmic breathing, and she began to notice things about his house- about him. The ticking of his clock, the scent of his bed sheets, and how loud the rain pounded against the roof. In this place, she felt free.

"I loved him," she said quietly. "Nobody has ever made me feel so seen before. I could tell him anything, and he would support me and listen like he actually cared. He was really kind, and he was good with kids, and everybody loved him..." she sniffled, wiping her eyes as she spoke softly. "I-I had no idea demons were living inside of him," choked sobs struggled to come out.

She kept talking because she thought Hajime was asleep. She told him everything about Takuya, their relationship, and what he had done to her. She told him about COT, her job, and why she had left the protected facility. And when she was done, the man lying next to her cleared his throat and spoke.

"I don't understand, but I'm sorry you had to go through all of that," he said.

"Oh! Y-you were listening?" she blushed, embarrassed that she'd said so much. She lay on her side with her back facing his.

"Can I tell you something too?" he asked. She gulped. The way he said it sounded serious, and she thought, what could be more personal to him than the story he told me earlier?

"Go ahead."

"...Only a few people know about this, but I think it might give you some perspective on who I am as a person. What you said about love, and that guy, I don't get it at all."

The more he talked, the quieter his voice got.

"I can't feel love."

"What?" She didn't know how to respond to such a dumb statement.

"Have you ever heard of left eye theory?" he asked. She told him no, which didn't surprise him. "It's not something that ordinary people are aware of, but COT, and everyone in the higher ranks knows about it. It's a theory because it can't be proven to be true...yet."

She could barely understand what he was saying, but she responded with simple mhms.

"Your left eye is what decides if you can feel love. It's like a button that can turn the emotion on and off. If you can see, you can feel, but if you can't..." he trailed off. "The theory goes that if a person covers their left eye for a long period of time, their ability to feel love will decrease. Someone whose eye is covered by fabric, for example, might not be able to feel romantic love. They might still experience familial love, or love for friends."

"Are you making this up?" she asked with a laugh.

"No. I'm being serious," he sounded offended by her question. "What do you think would happen to someone who lost their eye entirely?"

"Uhh..."

"They would never feel love again. It's simple, actually. If you can't see, you can't feel. I lost my eye, and since that day, I haven't felt a thing for anyone."

Natsu closed her eyes, trying to shut him out, but it didn't work. Everything he was saying made him sound insane, but it made perfect sense. The reason he was so distant, so different, was it because of that?

"So there was a time when you did feel love?"

"Yeah. When I was a kid, I remember getting those feelings. I loved my parents, my siblings, and even the people in this city. I think I was full of it- love, that is. Possibly even more than a normal person. The thing is, I don't remember how it felt, or how to feel it at all. Everything is numb, and it's hard for me to care about anyone. No matter who I meet or how close we become, everyone is equal. The people I've worked with for years, girls who like me, and even my family...I care about them the same I do for a stranger, which is...not at all."

Natsu's heart sank listening to his struggle. How could someone live like that? It sounded miserable.

"That doesn't mean I don't care about anyone, or that I'm a heartless monster. I don't want people to suffer; that's why I work for the SPS. I just...don't care about them individually. I have no attachment to memories of people. I'd never care if someone abandoned me or treated me badly. Nobody is special, and nobody matters to me. I am the only person I care about..."

Why is he telling me this? Is he trying to make me depressed, too?

"Sorry to dump all that on you. I thought it would make you feel better," he added.

What the hell? Make me feel better? she thought. He really was bad at relationships. He was absolutely clueless when it came to comforting another person.

"Natsu, you'll always be able to remember the way you felt about that guy, because he was important to you. You have humanity. Even though you saw him die, you don't need to feel guilty."

She felt like she might cry. It sounded like Hajime was telling her his own fears in a roundabout way. Did he think he was a monster for not being able to love others? In the short time they'd spent together, she had never thought he was dangerous or evil. He was just a weird guy, nothing more. She almost wanted to reach out to him. To tell him that it was okay to be different. But she restrained. He wouldn't appreciate another person telling him it was OK to be defective.

Natsu thought of the poor little boy. The one who had been used and had everything important to him stripped away, even the love he had for others. How hard must it have been for him to navigate a world where he was an outsider?

- - -

The street was busy, and Natsu was a light sleeper. As morning came, traffic on Hajime's street grew noisy. A small ray of light came in through the tiny prison-like window near the ceiling. She was warm in his bed, but she had to go. There was too much going on in her mind. Too many things to worry about, especially Takuya.

Natsu looked at Hajime, who was sleeping peacefully next to her. Her eyes widened.

The man next to her was not the same person she'd seen for the past few days. No, he was much more beautiful. A manly hunk of a guy, breathing softly next to her. She felt like something had altered her brain chemistry, because suddenly she was seeing him in a new light. Even his eye, or rather, the grotesque scar that covered it, was charming and made him look unique.

Before she could realize it, her body heated up and her cheeks flushed.

I slept next to him all night...

She replayed the night before. The time they'd spent together, how he'd saved her and confided in her his biggest secret.

Natsu had experienced this many times before. A love that strikes her suddenly, but becomes deadly. Feelings that she was not aware of, ones that brewed beneath the surface until they spilled over. All of the excuses, all of the lies...had she really liked him all along? Her job required her to separate her feelings from her actions. She had to do it to keep her sanity. But that was nearly impossible for her. She was a hopeless romantic.