Existential Dread and Thoughts of You

Three-hundred and fifty eight days remained. In the sky above Asia and Europe, The Calamity continued its slow expansion. Its growth was steady and silent; almost impossible to notice at quick glance. Yet it was expanding. As it stretched across the sky, blocking the sun and all celestial realms behind it, it curved along the edges of the world, following its shape like a veil that was yet to descend. Scientists believed that the moment the veil encased Earth would be the moment everything ceased to exist.

It was not a black hole. It was worse. It was unknown. Probes were sent to examine its mystery, but they disappeared into the void without a signal or alert. Living animals were sent in test satellites, only to have their heart rates flat line the moment they came in contact with the black. Scientific bases were staged along the perimeter of The Calamity’s original appearance, but even after months of study no better understanding had been found. It was simply nothingness. Darkness.

Darkness was where all things had come from, and it was darkness where all things would end.

Beneath the ever-growing void was a set of islands where millions of people had once lived, died, cherished, mourned, hoped, lost, and cared. It was on one of those islands now where Rin lay awake in the quiet dawn light, looking at the ring on her finger. Soft diluted light peaked through the window blinds and came to rest on her ‘husband’s’ arm. They were no longer children, but in a regular world they were much too young to be married. This was not a regular world.

So she had been married to Arata in a swift ceremony among the flowers yesterday. It was sweet, and he was kind. It was not what she had grown up imagining. In those moments, she was learning to accept that the remaining days would be full of moments that either would not get to happen at all, or would happen in a very different way than she had dreamt.

Still, laying there with his warm breath against her neck and his pale arm over her stomach, Rin felt very much in love for the time being. It would be more than enough to meet oblivion with. Arata was a lifelong friend, gentle boyfriend, and wonderful husband to meet her doom alongside.

Sleepy fingers intertwined and Rin pulled Arata closer to her back. The sudden firmness from below his waist that now pressed against her hips reminded her that there were other aspects of her wedding night that had not gone how she had imagined, but the absence of such deflowering was to be expected when there were four others in the room with them. Perhaps another moment would present itself in the future. Rin laid with the thought and felt her face blush with ideas as Arata’s hand came to rest near her chest.

Morning arrived fully and the friends began to wake. There was no alarm, but Riku had been the next to rise after Rin. He sat up from the bed he shared with Kai and winked at Rin. Before long the rest of them were awake. Shiona and Riku met eyes from across their beds. His hair was unkempt and hung in his eyes. Hers was in a bonnet and maintained. Silk from her nightgown hung across her shoulders and Riku felt himself drawn to looking at her collar bones in the cool light of the room. Shiona noticed but didn’t say anything. An unfamiliar sensation fluttered through her body as she thought of his gaze, and she turned herself away when she finally sat out of bed.

When Kai awoke, he extended his exposed chest and arms with a deep yawn. In the bed nearest him, Kureha watched in silence as his stomach tensed and flinched, causing muscles to constrain and define. Her lips parted then closed. He saw she was awake, and softly extended his hand to hers in greeting, finding her wrist as he stood for another stretch.

Breakfast was free at a nearby farmers’ market. Fresh fruit was a welcome nutrient dose that was quickly devoured. Most of the bounty was already softening or gaining blemishes, but still it was consumed with a savoring gratitude.

“We should load up on fruit pouches at the next store,” Riku remarked.

Arata nodded.

“Probably vitamins, too. Make sure we get nutrients in case food supplies drop quicker than expected…”

As they are on the curb, Kureha checked her social media and saw that Laura had liked and reposted her photo. Looking back at the night and the conversation with Jack and Lauren left Kureha feeling mournful.

“That poor little girl,” she said to herself.

Riku heard and nodded as he rubbed Kureha’s back.

“I can’t imagine. Being a parent seems terrifying already, but being a parent in this… I respect them,” he said between mouthfuls.

“We’ve never talked about it: did you ever want kids?” asked Kureha.

Riku shook his head.

“If we’re being honest I think my leg scares me too much. I wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted with them, or offer them a full childhood. My leg already took a lot from me. No reason to take a lot from someone else. Same with marriage.”

“I don’t think it would have been taking anything. You would have been a kind father and an attentive husband,” said Kureha.

Riku shook his head in disagreement but smiled nonetheless.

“I would have married you,” he said bluntly.

It took Kureha by surprise.

“Me?”

“Of course. Beautiful. Pretty. Cute. Kind. Talented. Girl next door. Close friend. You have a lot going for you. I’d have married you if you didn’t find anyone else and wanted to settle for me.”

It was so direct and honest, Kureha didn’t know what to think. Roku had been her friend the longest. He had always been tall and handsome in a brooding, quiet way, but he had never expressed interest in her. Being in Shiona’s curvaceous shadow had always made Kureha feel left behind in regards to the gazes of others.

“I’d have married you too. But I wouldn’t have let you cheat on me. Even with prostitutes. I’m not one of those women that’s okay with that,” laughed Kureha.

“I wouldn’t have cheated on you. You would have been more than enough,” he said calmly.

Now it was Kureha’s turn to feel something unfamiliar towards Riku. His eyes were lighter than the rest of them and his hair was different. He had always stood out in the crowd, even before people noticed his cane, club foot and bent knee. His shoes had uneven soles to compensate for the leg difference. He was always a vision.

Kai and Arata had found an especially delicious batch of strawberries and called Riku to join them. He hoisted himself from the curb with a grunt then went to join his friends. Rin and Shiona sat down beside Kureha.

Rin removed a small sketchbook and mechanical pencil from the store wrappings.

“Ohhhhh, your drawings,” Kureha smiled as she leaned against Rin’s shoulder.

“You two inspired me with your camera and singing. I used to love drawing. Figured why not get back into it.”

Creases were bent into the book’s spine, allowing it to lay flat. Shiona and Kureha watched Rin as she scanned the environment for subjects, until her focus settled on the boys.

Shiona nodded in approval as Rin’s hand went to work. Graphite scraped and whisked across fresh parchment, forming line and detail. Marks became figures that became bodies. Pressure created darkened definition and expression. It was loose, unrefined, and delicate, but it was there. But by bit, imagery of the three boys laughing came into being.

“We have such handsome guy friends,” sighed Kureha as though truly noticing it for the first time.

“Right?” agreed Rin.

“Was it always like that?” Kureha sheepishly asked as she thought on the isolated gaze she’d been in for the last few years.

“Were they that beautiful and I just didn’t notice because of my head, or is it The End making everything more radiant?”

Shiona inhaled and pondered her answer.

“I… I think both. And maybe it just always felt too taboo because we were friends first? I’ve thought they three were handsome since we were twelve. At Arata’s-“

“Arata’s birthday party!” Kureha and Rin agreed.

Truly, that adolescent pool party had caused a shift for Kureha as well all those years ago. When the boys had removed their shirts to go swimming, it had been the first time Kureha as a child had noticed the concept of flat stomachs and tensing muscles. It had lingered in her mind for weeks afterwards. But the slow ebb of time’s cruelty and dissociation’s dullness had caused those feelings to fall away like Autumn leaves.

Wind pulled the girls’ hair across their faces and carried the sounds of the boys laughing. Kureha’s apple was pleasantly fragrant. The shadows were colder than the world in the sun. Her chest felt hints of warmth as light dappled across skin. Birds chirped in a nearby tree. Awareness was foreign, yet slowly becoming more welcome.

Shiona blinked and tilted her head in melancholy longing.

“I was just looking at Kai’s forearms earlier. He’s so much more muscular. And, purely respectfully to you Rin, but Arata has a great butt,” said Shiona.

“He does! I want to bounce a yen off it, it's so toned!” said Kureha.

“I grabbed it last night,” confessed Rin.

The girls sighed.

“What was it like?” asked Shiona.

Rin smirked and held out both hands in an expressive groping gesture.

“So nice,” she replied.

“They all became such good looking young men. Think of how they would have looked after college. In their little suits at work, oh my goodness,” said Shiona.

“I think I’m ovulating,” said Kureha.

“Me too,” agreed the other girls.

They linked arms and leaned against one another as they watched the boys excitedly feed each other fruit.

Soon the friend group was back in the van and making their way towards Lake Toya. As she sat in the van watching the world drift by, Kureha reflected on the moments of truth she had already witnessed from her friends and complete strangers. It was a cruel irony that it took the end of the world to convince people to live in full transparency.

Would Riku have ever even said that to her if their days were not numbered? Now she found herself thinking of adulthood with him. Would Kai have returned home to Arashiyama if not for The End? Kureha then imagined adulthood with him. It was something okay to imagine now, as it was never to come to pass.

Hokkaido’s expansive environment enveloped them in natural wonder, and the following days were filled with enormous trees, mystical lakes, neverending tulip fields, fresh greens, and authentic beers. Soon they reached the very Eastern edge of the island and took a boat tour of Shiretoko Peninsula. Dramatic stone cliffs were lined with evergreen trees as they disappeared into the sea. Russia was closer than Fukuoka at that point.

The friends sat on a bench near the cliffs and looked out at the vast ocean before them. Clouds rolled over the mountaintops in the distance. Kureha set her camera on a timer and placed it behind them. Seconds passed and the image was captured. They were all silhouetted by the setting sun. None of their faces were visible. Only their form as they were surrounded by the glow of the descending star. In the quiet of the moment, Kureha found herself holding Shiona’s hand while Kai ran his fingers through her hair.

It was decided that the newlywed couple deserved a night to themselves so that they may finally share an evening of bliss.

“We won’t even be next door so don’t worry about us eavesdropping,” said Shiona as she winked at Rin.

Rin glanced around then quickly waved Shiona and Kureha over to her. She took their hands and pulled them around a corner.

“I’m nervous! I don’t know what to do!” she whispered.

“You mean…?” asked Shiona.

“Yes! I’ve never… you know…” she admitted.

“But you said you both masturbated to me?!” Shiona whispered.

“It was over the phone!! I was working up the courage to make a move, but we just haven’t gotten there yet.”

“Phone-based mutual masturbation to a video of your friend masturbating? I like it,” was all Kureha could add.

“Do you have any tips?” Rin asked them.

“I’m not experienced in that field either,” admitted Kureha.

They both turned to Shiona, who blushed and looked away.

“Wow, I guess I’m the harlot of the group…” she said with a hint of sincere embarrassment.

“No, you’re an amazing woman, and you were just more confident than I was. It’s not like I haven’t wanted to,” said RIn.

Kureha nodded in agreement.

“Well, it shouldn’t actually hurt. If that’s the case there’s something wrong. There might be some discomfort. But get everything lubed up down there and you should be okay. Ask him to go down on you. It helps. Arata seems very gentle so you should be fine,” said Shiona.

“And if it starts to hurt or you change your mind, just have him stop. He’ll listen. He’s a good man, and he cherishes you,” said Kureha.

“Will there be blood?” asked Rin.

“There could be. But also maybe not. It might be better to start with other activities,” said Shiona.

“Just breathe, and try to enjoy yourself. If it’s not incredible, that’s okay. Don’t make it this defining moment. Just go again a few hours later.” said Shiona.

Shiona’s voice was calm and matter-of-fact. Kureha’s hands were rubbing Rin’s shoulders in comfort and after a moment, Rin let out a small squeal of excitement. Down the hall, Arata was pacing in front of Kai and Riku.

“Oh man, I don’t know if I can do this. What if I let her down?!” he said as he spun.

“You’re going to do great, bud. You’re an attentive partner. Just talk to her. I think girls like that.” said Kai.

Riku nodded.

“Go slow. Be gentle. Listen to her. Ask for feedback. Give feedback yourself. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Just be vulnerable and honest. Confident but patient. Be yourself,” said Riku.

“Myself? I’m a dork. A music kid who’d never had a girlfriend before this,” murmured Arata as he shuffled his fingers through his hair.

“Noooo, you’re a kind, handsome, talented guy that all the girls have always liked. Those guys that used to pick on you were jealous. Now you’re with Rin. One of the coolest girls in school,” said Kai.

Riku backed him up.

“I’ve always thought you were awesome. You can play any instrument you pick up. You dressed how you wanted. Were true to yourself. You’re fit. You’re kind. I’d hook up with you,” he said.

“Really?” asked Arata in surprise.

“Totally,” said Riku.

“Me too,” admitted Kai.

“But that’s another night!” laughed Kai as he shook Arata’s shoulders.

“What’s your plan? Tell us one more time”

“Low light. Soft music. Kiss everywhere. Slowly. Then maybe hands. Then go time,” said Arata as though reading an agenda.

“Exactly!” said Riku with a high five.

“Remember, good eye contact,” added Riku.

“But don’t be creepy, got it,” Arata inhaled.

“Really wish I’d trimmed down there before we left…” he sighed as he looked at his crotch.

“Shockingly, pubic hair maintenance didn’t even cross my mind…” Riku smirked to Kai, who chuckled and agreed.

“Now I’m insecure about mine. Guess we need to find a trimmer or something. I tried it with a regular razor, once…” Kai sighed.

“Owwwwww,” Riku and Arata said in unison.

Just then Kureha and Shiona turned the corner and joined them. Arata paused in anticipation.

“She’s ready. But first, give me your hands,” said Shiona.

Arata nervously held out his hands. Shiona took them and inspected his fingernails.

“Clippers,” she said to Kureha, who immediately pulled a pair from her purse.

Shiona quickly cut Arata’s nails then softly filed their edges in seconds. After she was done, she blew across his fingers and mussed Arata’s hair.

“Wash your hands first. And maybe both take a shower first,” said Shiona.

“Got it. Thanks Shiona. Rin has great friends,” said Arata.

“We really are grateful for all of you,” he said as he hugged Kureha.

“Wish me luck!” he whispered as he trotted down the hall.

The four remaining friends watched him go. Kai wrapped his hands around Riku’s and Kureha’s waists. Shiona fidgeted with her nail clippers and turned to them. To their surprise, she had tears in her eyes.

“I’m not a whore, or anything like what they said about me at school,” she said as she wiped her eyes.

The three friends simultaneously descended on her in a confiding embrace.

“Oh, sweetie, no, don’t ever let those people’s words hurt you. We know that,” said Kureha.

Riku kissed the top of her head in a friendly manner.

“To hell with those people. You’ll never see them again. They were fortunate to even get to look at someone as hot and beautiful as you,” he said.

“Yeah, they were just jealous. All those guys were just mad they couldn’t be with you and the girls were mad that they’d never look as good as you,” said Kai.

They all stood there holding one another.

“And look, when your friend needed you, you could give her advice that none of them could and none of the adults ever did,” said Kureha as she rubbed Shiona’s back.

Shiona nodded in acceptance of their kindness and after a moment the four of them made their way towards the elevators.

“Soooo, why did you trim his nails just then?” asked Kai as they walked.

The girls laughed to themselves.

“We’ll show you one day,” said Kureha as Shiona laughed and gave her a surprised, approving look.