Track 01 - Summertime Blues

Today of all days, and the guys called a band meeting? I didn’t even have time to get dressed. It was our first performance at Free Home in two days, and they wanted to have a get together? Talk about unnecessary stress.

I managed to glimpse myself in the cutlery on the table. Sure I didn't look too good. Bags under my eyes, hair a little messy. Anyone would be in the same situation if they spent the entire night writing lyrics for the show! Lyrics that have now been crumpled up in my bag because I had to run to this danm pep talk or whatever! The sound of the cars passing by reverberated sharply in my head. I wanted to be sick. My head slumped and nearly smacked the table. It took all of my power to retain eye contact with the people I was speaking to.

I really didn’t want to look out the window.

The pain of the day caught up with me early, at least I remembered to bring it.

“Jun, we’ve been really patient with you. Tatsuya and I have been talking, and we think you should take time away from the band.” Daiki, the bass player, was always the sweet one. He had the blond hair, blue eyed, cosmic beauty that made girls faint in the street with simple eye contact. He placed his hand on top of mine, an easy smile appeared perfectly formed on his lips. “We know you can get back to form. You just need some more time. Are you sure you’re okay? Your hands haven’t stopped shaking since you sat down.”

If you want to spill bad news, do it at a Danny's. Though the fact that we were here at the height of a Japanese summer didn’t

“Leave him be!” A growl from the left side of the table quickly alerted everyone in the diner that a purple mohawk’d, leather jacket wearing delinquent was furious about the current situation. Were it not for the tens of pairs of eyes fixated on Tatsuya, I was sure I would have a salt shaker embedded in my skull. “It’s not our fault he can’t write shit that isn’t ‘oh I miss you so much, babe', ‘nobody loves me,’ or ‘I’ll never be the same now you’re gone.’ Beatlemania died like a hundred years ago. Fucking gay.”

“Tatsuya…” Daiki hadn’t let go of my hand. I slowly pealed each finger away while he was deep in thought. He didn’t notice. “You don’t need to be so harsh. I’m sure Jun is trying.” He tried his smile again. My eyes found my knees.

“That’s the thing, he isn’t! You can try to paint his lovesick, melodramatic turds with glitter, but painted shit is still shit!” Silence filled the room again, and the embarrassment hit the drummer just as fast. “I just wanna get signed man, you should want that too.”

“He does!” Don’t you Jun?” Daiki’s bright, earnest eyes pissed me off. I knew what the correct answer was, of course I did. I was supposed to jump up and scream, “Let’s get signed and make it to a million copies!”

Everyone’s words were a chaotic jumble I couldn’t understand. We had a gig to prepare for. Why couldn’t we focus on that? I was about to object when I felt the ring press between my chest and my shirt. Now that my attention had been drawn to it, I could feel the silver chain lightly resting on my neck.

They wouldn't want me to be angry like this.

Whatever negative emotion was in me started to subside. I took my shaking hand and pulled the ring from my shirt, slowly running my fingers along the grooves. The sensation helped calm me. I just needed to get through the conversation. I took a deep breath.

“Okay.”

My bandmates were silent for a long moment, and I could see different emotions flicker across their faces. I didn't know what was so confusing about my answer. I was the one struggling to understand what the hell was going on. I just wanted to get it over with. I had to give the ring back.

Daiki blinked. You’re okay with everything? Considering what it means for you?”

“Yeah sure, it’s fine. I mean, everyone has their bumps in the road, and this is just one of those. I accept it, yeah, of course I do.”

I didn't know what I was accepting, and I didn't care. I'd spent the entire morning feeling like I was underwater. I looked again at the crumpled lyrics in my bag and felt hatred for the idea of writing. I don't want to get signed. I, as difficult as this might be for anybody to believe, was just doing it for the love of the craft. I thought they understood that. I guess not.

“That’s wonderful!” Daiki clasped both my hands together and shook them vigorously. “I was worried for a moment that we were going to have issues, but I'm so glad you could be mature about this. We'll see you later, yeah?”

“Yeah? Why wouldn’t you? Later.”

As I got up to leave, I heard a loud yell and had only seconds before Tatsuya grabbed me violently by the arm and pulled me towards him. We were nose to nose. His breath smelled like cigarettes and chewing gum.

“I don’t know what you think you're trying to pull? You may not take this seriously, but we do! You've been nothing but fucking rude to Daiki since you got here! He's only trying to help. You are a good guitarist and singer, bud, but your lyrics have gone way fucking downhill. We have given you all the courtesy in the world, if you don't want to take this seriously, that's fine, piss off.”

I didn't care about any of it. Tatsuya grabbing my shirt and acting like a big man? Whatever. It was only when I heard the clinking sound of my ring falling off my chain and landing on the table that I sprung into action. I wasn't quick enough, and the drummer caught it before me. He scrutinised it for a few seconds before letting out a loud, hyena like laugh. “Well, look at that! It seems perpetual motion sad boy here had a girlfriend. ‘Jun-Aki, 2020’. Oh, and it's got a little love heart as well, how cute.”

“Give that back, Tatsuya.” I tried to sound as forceful as I could, but everybody knew I just sounded weary. The thought suddenly hit me learning to write music and learning to play the guitar had been a complete and total mistake. It had brought me nothing but trouble, and I was no happier for it.

That it had also led me to Jesus and Judas over there made me feel so much worse.

“Oh no no, you have to tell me the story, bro. You owe it to us after being a complete dick for the past hour. If you're not going to pull your weight, then at least give me a juicy tale.”

“No.”

“Oh? Just when we managed to get more than one word out of him, too.” Tatsuya kept hold of the ring, now pretending to analyse it in the light like a jeweller. He smiled a gap toothed smile. “I don't like doing this keep away thing Jun, but we're not elementary school kids and you had a responsibility. You failed us.”

“That doesn’t mean that we have the right to-” Daiki tried to help but was cut short by glares from the both of us.

“So, your girlfriend then? Been together long? Is she hot? What does she like? I'm sorry I keep going on like this, but it's just surprising that Japan's very own Neil Morrissey can talk to a woman, much less date one.”

In any other situation, I would've been embarrassed beyond belief to tell this story, but if they wanted to see dedication then at least I could be dedicated to standing up for myself, if even a little.

“She was my high school girlfriend. We're not together anymore. You wanted an answer, now you have it. Give me back the ring. My body stood up on its own. I think it was trying to look threatening, but it looked more like a drifting piece of paper in the wind.

“Oh my God! That’s so much worse! you fucking wimp! Now all the lovesick nonsense makes sense! You're in love with your high school crush! I don't know why we wasted our time on this loser. Daiki, let's dump this weed. I've got places to be. Still pining after your high school days? That's queer as fuck.”

“Please stop talking.”

“Which Aki is it, by the way? Do I know her, she local?”

“No.”

“Ah, a ‘my girlfriend lives in Canada’ situation, right? Right.”

“Tatsuya? I really think this is getting us nowhere.” Daiki clapped his hands together. “Maybe a good performance will make everyone feel better? I know we've been looking forward to it so much. Even if we don't have new material, I'm sure we'll be able to impress everybody. I–”

“Nah, screw this!” Tatsuya left his seat abruptly, throwing the money for the drinks on the table. “I thought we'd be able to clear the air by having this conversation, but instead we've got some kind of incel loser who misses his school days because it was the one time a girl looked at him.” He scoffed. “I'm surprised he didn't tell us she was in a coma, really score those sympathy points."

A better man would've displayed some anger, or at the very least, would've raised an objection. I watched impassively as my boyhood dream disappeared out the door with two very talented, if socially questionable musicians.

As the eyes of the restaurant patrons switched attention from Tatsuya to me. I was content with the fact that I had been left with another failure and my memories.

“I’ll see you later, Jun! Daiki sang cheerfully as he was being half pulled out the door. I gave a half hearted wave in response.

I tried not to think of her, yet again I failed. I paid the bill and stepped outside, finding a bench a couple streets away, I sat down. Looking up, I wanted to look past the clear blue sky, past the clouds. I was losing a battle of wills with the sun, but the competition made me remember my first dream. Before music, before Aki, before I began to view the world as nothing but a flat, grey plane.

Before all that, I dreamt of the stars.