The odd one

 “Hello. Could I have a meeting with the Shepherd?” he asked the guard in front of him.

The moment Marco said those words out loud, beyond the shoulder of the man he saw a face coming out of the carriage of the Shepherd. That said, after seeing Marco, the face soon hid back into the fabric covering the carriage and stayed there.

It was always like this.

Marco sighed and then returned his gaze towards the man in front of him, who had been staring fixedly at him for time now.

“So, my honorable sir” the man said in an affected manner, with a weird emphasis on the word “honorable”. “You want to talk with the representative of the gods himself, right? May I ask why?”

“I just want to make a donation to the Shepherd.”

“…Is there any specific reason to do so?” as the man asked, his eyes narrowed, continuing to stare directly at Marco.

“Do I really need one?”

“We can never know what some people are up to.”

“Fine then, I’ll tell you. I’m donating it so he can distribute it to the poor.”

“…You can just do this yourself directly. There’s no need to meet or donate to the Shepherd.”

“But I want to meet him anyways.”

“Why?”

“Is this really that important?”

The man continued to stare at him, in silence.

Marco sighed.

…

Why am I really doing this anyways again? To improve his image of me?

…No, the Shepherd thinks I’m the worst person in this world anyways.

So maybe it’s to improve my reputation in general?

No, that’s only half the reason, and it doesn’t justify talking with the Shepherd.

…Maybe because I actually believe that the gods say that I should help them?

No, obviously not. Unfortunately.

So what is the reason?

…

…

Oh.

“Because I also wish to be illuminated by his wisdom and virtue” answered Marco before remembering and adding: “Besides helping the poor, obviously”

When he finished saying this, he looked to the man, who now also had his arms crossed.

“This would be a good reason if it was true. But I want the real one.”

“That’s the real reason.”

“I’m not believing in this. I, the Shepherd, and all of his other servants know of your lies. You’re not deceiving me or any other of us.”

…

I give up.

“I’m donating something to the Shepherd, isn’t this reason enough to let me meet him?”

“I still want to know the real reason regardless.”

“So that means it actually is enough of a reason?”

“…”

“Look, do you want me to not donate anything then?”

“…So you don’t care about the poor and just wanted to meet the Shepherd for your nefarious reasons? I knew it-“

“No no, I care about them. But, you see, I also want to meet the Shepherd. I will still donate to the poor regardless.”

“Then go away and do it instead of wasting your time here.”

…

“A lot of people might wonder what kind of representative of the gods would refuse to make donations to the poor…”

“Tsk”

The man continued staring at him for some time before letting out a sigh and turning around.

“Fine” he said.

No matter how much of a good, moral person the Shepherd was on the inside, in the end, his power only went as far as what the people believed was adequate. Even if he’s the representative of the gods, practically, his power comes from humans. The truth he believed was only true to those who also accepted it. If he made them stop believing in him, it was the end, no matter how strong his own conviction was.

After all, Marco had witnessed something like this happen in front of his eyes long ago.

Anyways, soon the Shepherd was there in the man’s place and greeted him.

“Oh, Marco! It’s good to see you! So, you wish to make a donation, right?

“Correct.”

“May I ask why?”

“I want to help the poor of the Flock. It’s not much, and I wish I could do more for them, but that’s all I can do for now.”

The moment Marco answered, he could see the Shepherd’s grin trembling slightly. He seemed annoyed, but was trying his best to hide it, and Marco knew this. In fact, it could be said that Marco knew almost everything about him.

“If you believe in what we are doing, you can always do better.”

“Your way of viewing things is admirable. Abandoning your own name and identity to dedicate yourself entirely to the one truth of the gods…”

As Marco said this, the Shepherd narrowed his eyes, staring directly at him, face to face. Soon enough though, he stopped and returned to “normal”, or at least as normal as the composed grin he had on his face, instead of his traditional wide and honest smile, could be.

“It’s important that I do this, after all, Mitra gifted us, and only us, with life in this world. Each single one in the Flock and their lives is special and so should be respected and protected. That’s what gives our lives meaning. And that’s why I abandoned my own name, why I rejected my own egoistic wishes and desires to dedicate myself entirely to following the truth of the gods.”

When he was finishing saying this, he looked directly into Marco's eyes again, with an unusual, at least for everyone besides Marco, accusative glare, and then added:

“And as the preacher of the truth, the spokesman of the gods, my only wish now is that one day everyone will also believe in the truth and understand it and its implications.”

…

“That’s why I’m doing this.”

Hearing this, the Shepherd sighed.

————————————————————

He had finished talking about the specificities of the donation with the Shepherd and now had reached his tent, which he shared with his grandson.

“Victor!” he called.

“Uh? Oh, it’s you” coming from inside the tent, his grandson, Victor, answered.

“I’m back from the Shepherd.”

“Did everything go well?”
“Yeah.”

“Hah! I knew it!” Victor said with a wide smile, as if this was some kind of great feat. “Well, considering how much you’ve done for everyone in the Flock, it’s no wonder the Shepherd likes you…” he added while nodding to himself in approval of his own words.

“So that's how it looks from the outside, huh?” Marco murmured to himself.

“Huh? Did you say something?"

“I asked what could even go wrong in just making a donation to the Shepherd.”

“Er…”

“...”

“By the way, that one guy, Gray, came to one of our mechanisms in the pillar yesterday with Carlo.”

“What does this even have to do with what we're talking about?”

“We let him use it but made him pay double the price. What do you think? That was the right decision, right?”

Instead of answering, Marco simply let out a sigh. He just decided to ignore what his grandson was saying and entered the tent. As he did this, the light coming from a lamp, which illuminated the complex and beautiful patterns of the fabric of the tent, welcomed him.

Besides him and his grandson, Victor’s wife and his daughter, Anna, were present there.

“Hello Tania” he quickly greeted his grandson’s wife, but he barely even looked at her.

Because, instead, his eyes were directed at someone else.

And Anna, a 5 year old kid, daughter of his grandson, was the receiver of his gaze.

Greeting her, Marco had his arms open and extended in her direction.

“Hey Anna!”

“Grandpa!” she called, as she jumped into his arms.

He rubbed her head with his hand and hugged her. She was still very small, so he had to be on his knees to do so. If he was younger, maybe he would hold her up there in the air, but he was an old man, with fragile bones and a weak body, he couldn’t do this anymore.

“How was your day? Did you do something fun?”

“I played with the kids!” she said while holding a doll “We were playing house! I was the mother!”

“Oh, the mother? So you had a lot of responsibilities, right?”

“Yes!”

“One of the responsibilities of the parents is properly educating their children. Who were the children?”

“The doll was the only daughter, she was called Anna, just like me” she said, while affectionately holding the doll in her chest.

“And did you educate her?”

“Of course!”

“What did you teach her?”

“Uh…”

“...”

“Oh! I told her about how to be a good person!”

Marco fell silent for a small moment, but quickly got back to talking.

“And why does someone want to be a good person?”

“Why?” she asked.

“Yeah, why? Your silly grandgrandpa doesn’t know it! Could you please teach him about this a little bit?”

“People want to do good things because we have to be good people!”

“That isn’t an answer. I asked why. I know you know the answer, so come on and say it to me!”

“Hm… Oh! I know it! It’s because we’re all special!”

“And why are we all special?”

“Because we’re the only ones chosen by the gods to be in this world!” she said, with her chest stuffed and a wide grin on her mouth.

“Hahahah I’m proud of being from the same family as someone as intelligent as you” he said giggling, caressing the top of her head with his hand. “But, did your daughter understand it?”

“I’m sure she did!”

“And did she become a good person?”

“Yes? Why wouldn’t she?” Anna asked, tilting her head.

“Some people are really weird and dumb, they understand the reasons why they should be good people, but they don’t become one. They should learn with your daughter.”

“Learn with a doll? But a doll can’t even think for herself!”

“Some people are weird and dumb because they by themselves think too much. They try to see through everything, and so they think they’re above all of this, but that’s what makes them the dumbest of all.”

“You ask a lot of weird things. Are you one of these weird and dumb people?”

“You know what? Maybe I am. So let’s hope your grandgrandpa can one day stop being weird and dumb.” he said and started laughing at his own words. Anna also did the same.

As she laughed, her beautiful blue eyes, which looked as if they were made of glass, resembling the ones of the doll she held in her hands, were closed. But even then, from behind her eyelids, her eyes radiated, full of life and happiness. It wasn’t something that could be seen directly, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t important, on the contrary, they were the most important between the two, for the hidden eyes were what gave the eyelid a purpose.

It was a strange sight. On one side, the beautiful eyes of the small girl, which, even if occulted, overflowed with spirit, and on the other, the eyes of the old man, which were laid bare, exposed, but seemed dark and hollow. His eyes were always switching between being wide open and half closed. It was as if half of the time they were searching for something, and during the other half, almost giving up.

The worst thing about those eyes though, is that they looked strikingly human.

A doll full of life and a hollow human.

How ironic.

————————————————————

It was already way past the time most people were sleeping, but there was Marco, awake, walking through a sea of tents which filled the, otherwise empty, space.

Doing this wasn’t healthy for him, especially considering he was already 69 years old, but, with the passing of the years, his sleep had got progressively worse, if not because of his age, then because thinking so much while trying to sleep simply isn’t a good thing to do.

And so, his old bones, attached to his old flesh, and carrying his old mind, dragged towards a shadow leaning on the back of one of the tents, just like he had done and become tired of doing years ago.

“I’m here” he said.

“Oh, I was already worried you weren’t coming to see me” a man, hidden under the shadow, answered.

“Don’t do this, worrying too much about things weakens the mind. I would say ruin some people's lives even”

“I’ll be relaxed and stop worrying about everything then... Or at least I would like to. But this one guy who you helped come out of starvation some years ago has been refusing to continue ‘paying’ us for this favor and apparently has been trying to spread the news of us extorting him.”

“So that’s why you called me? ...Knowing the opinion the Shepherd has of me, this will quickly fall in his ears” Marco muttered. “What’s the man’s name?”

Coming closer to Marco, the person in the shadows sofly murmured something in his ears.

“I see. You can kill him then, or maybe do something else, just get rid of him.”

“Good.”

“So can I go back to my tent now?”

“Actually there’s something else. You know the man we’ve been blackmailing for some time? From what I was told, we weren’t wrong in our suspicions. He really might soon start to create trouble for us.”

“He seemed like the type of guy who wouldn’t ever gather the courage to stand up against us, but that’s why we sent the guy to watch over him anyways... That’s unfortunate news.”

“Yeah, and that’s why I want to get rid of him too.”

“...Ok, as long as you don’t create trouble for us.”

“Great.”

“Something else?”

“Not much really, but yesterday, on the pillar, Gray came to the mechanism I was guarding.”

“And you let him use it right? Victor told me the same thing earlier.”

“I did.”

“Why?”

“…Just another one of my plans.”

Marco stared directly at him for a moment, without saying anything.

“Is there a problem? I can stop it if you want to” the man said.

“You don’t need to worry, just properly explain it to me later.”

“Ok.”

The two stayed silent for a moment, waiting for the other to say something.

“…I may postpone it’s execution though.”

“That’s the type of thing I wished you told me first…” Marco said and sighed. “Why would you do this though?”

“I want to first be sure I’ll really need to do it. Otherwise we might be losing things. You can consider what I’m doing now as preparations for the possibility that we eventually might need it.”

“Ok…”

“Anyways, that’s it for today, I think.”

“I see… Well, by then.”

“Bye, boss.”

————————————————————

Having finished talking with the man, Marco was, at least theoretically, coming back to his tent.

In reality though, instead of coming straight home, he was just walking without much of a direction. He walked alone, without a single person there, outside, still awake, and around him, there was a sea of tents engulfing his way. They all had different colors, but today these seemed washed out, as if the strong wind had swept their colors away. This was also intensified by the ever present faint bluish light which covered them, and which almost seamlessly morphed into the gray who made up the ground.

And so, under the gaze of this lone walker, it all resumed to that: gray and other shades of gray.

When looking at something more distant, it was the same thing. A gray landscape, without life, without anything, as if it was forgotten by the gods.

It was in this world that the Flock lived and wandered forever, alone.

No matter how much he aged, how much he lived, he couldn’t grow accustomed to it. It was as if his own body didn’t want to live in a place like this. The greatest defining characteristic of this world is nothingness itself, emptiness, it’s desolate landscapes, and this just didn’t sit right with him.

How did this all come to be? What is the purpose behind all of it? In this world without life, what’s the reason for this great exception called humanity?

He didn’t know, no one knows. Some tried to answer this, but none of the answers satisfied him at the moment. The Shepherd says that every single person in the Flock is special because the gods created them to be the only ones populating this world, and so this gives us meaning and is why we should respect human life. Another answer, from a long time ago, in a time when most people who lived now weren’t even alive, is that humans were in this world so they could do good actions and in the afterlife, be transported to a prettier world, full of life. Others, including Marco himself at one point in his life, had once said that existence in this world was a punishment for a natural human tendency of doing evil, and that the function of humans in this world was to learn to do good so they could ascend to a higher realm of existence.

How could he believe in it if what once was the supposed truth was now forgotten, and the lies of long ago which now were the truths of today. Great gods who once commanded this world, now were called false. He had seen so much of this, he could probably name a thousand different gods he had known across his long life, from the Gnishva whose name echoed through this world every time a ritual was held in his infant days, but whom no one now remembered anymore, to Mitra, who was now called the patron of humanity.

What was called the truth had changed so much during his lifespan, he couldn’t now be sure of what it was. Maybe the Shepherd or someone else really was correct, maybe everyone was wrong. Some kind of supernatural force reigning over it all surely exists, for there’s no other way food, materials, all different kinds of things would somehow simply be there in the pillars without no one putting them there. But, that said, he couldn’t be sure of their intentions, of what they wished him to do. Maybe the gods didn’t even care for humanity at all, and if they didn’t, if in the end, it all had no reason to be, then maybe everything wouldn’t have any value at all.

And so, his only hope, his only wish, was to one day find it.

It didn’t need to be correct, it’s okay if it’s a lie. He only wished to one day be convinced. Be a mindless doll who doesn't think by himself, simply accepting the truth he’s told, and be happy.

So, if he could only find something he could believe in, something that gives sense to all of this.

If he could do this, maybe the world would stop being gray.