My mind felt like it’s been placed in a blender. It swirls and spins horridly in this encapsulated world, throwing me roundabout without mercy. This was how it felt when I came to the only logical conclusion to these feelings. These uncertain occurrences that have been happening between me and her…That I must have loved…Koda Mari-san or at least had feelings towards her…right? The guilt of this epiphany devastated me. How could I…think this way about my mom’s…lover?
But of course, as I drift in the dark world do I question these feelings. When did I fall in love with her…if I truly did that is? Why would I even fall in love with her? Am I still in love with her if I am? Why her if that’s true? Why not someone else? Did it have to be…Koda Mari-san? But then a sharp bitterness filtered in my mouth as I asked myself…
“Do these feelings even matter anymore...if they’re real?”
Apparently, if I at one time had feelings towards Mari-san…do they still matter? That would have been years ago now…and feelings do change…But now my heart was being gouged with a spear. It tugged, trying to escape my soulless question. It was apparent if anything…I still share feelings from the past about her.
I’m…tired. I want answers. I need answers….Else I’ll never be able to look past my coma…Or Mari-san…
“Madoka! It’s me…you can go to bed now…”
Like a flash of lightning, the room lit up in an instant. My cheek shaped into the blankets as I lied on the side of the bed. Her sweet lemon smell only caused my body to shake in confusion. Here I was bewildered and vulnerable to her scent. It melted in my mouth causing a sense of familiarity to warm my cold chest…and it scared me.
She shook my body once again, only then did my mom’s voice slice through my soul like a rod of iron. I sprouted up like a flower and faced her. That mellow smile of hers waned terribly on my mind now. This was the face of the person I love. The one who is openly lying to me…the woman who means everything to me…who I can’t trust anymore…
My feet tattered on their own. I didn’t have the will to say goodbye. I barely have the energy to breathe regularly, let alone say goodnight. After I shut the door, I looked about the kitchen. It was in disarray with all the food left out. But the neat freak in me didn’t have the will to clean up. No, she wanted to escape from this bizarre world. So, she ran up the steps to the solitude of her room.
In my cold box of a room…I shut the door softly and hanged my head…
In silence, I stood, my back against my room door. As I gently descended to the floor the cold wood met my skin as I took a deep breath, taking in the early November night. Finally, things were peaceful…serene…calm…
There it was the first sign that my world was falling apart. The hiccups took hold of my heart and my restless mind started to race like a machine off its hinges. The gears snapped, bolts broke, releasing the floodgates that have been wallowing within.
I couldn’t control it any longer. Nothing made sense in this chaotic revelation…
“Mari-san…was with me when I fell into my coma?”
I questioned, gradually falling onto my bed. My head hit the pillow, drowning out my wails. Too much was coming at me at once. I couldn’t possibly compartmentalize all this right now. As I turned over, I thought about it deeply. The picture of the amusement park on my phone must have been taken by me. That stranger that I didn't know anymore.
“She lied and didn’t tell me she was with me at the amusement park…because she…didn’t want me to hate her?"
I had to admit…When I first met her…if she would have told me that she caused my coma and that she was dating my mother…I probably would have lunged at her. I…might have even attempted to hurt her. Because Koda Mari-san was the sign of change in my life. A whole new life that I never asked to have. She was my enemy. The beacon of light that took my mom away from me, leaving me in that horrid darkness alone. It would only be natural that I would have processed her to be a threat. One who hurt me by causing my coma…the being that stripped away my scholarship and severed my old friendships. The one who invaded my world only for two and took my mom...a parasite...a leech...
I can at least agree on one thing…That she did what might have been best and didn’t tell me about this connection...because...
"Everything...is her fault."
Now there was an object to direct my pain at...and I, with prejudice, targeted her.
“I hate you so much, Mari-san! I…hate you.”
I screamed in my pillow…
My teeth gnashed at my bottom lip with rage.
“I hate you! I hate you so much! You're horrible! So horrible!”
I begged to know what happened between us so badly. And now knowing only a fraction of it…I hated her for it. But is that true? Do I truly hate her? No, of course not...something in me won't allow me to...actually hate her. What happened to me that I latched only onto her? When out of those days did I start having these strange feelings for her? Why was I at the amusement park with her…after she and mom said I closed myself away?
"None of this makes sense!"
All the lies and deceit was driving me to the brink of madness. Refusing to tell me about who I should know better than anyone...myself. How could they justify keeping things from me? Who was I? What did I do to become involved with these entangled feelings that aren't native to who I am.
"This is all her fault! If she wasn't here...if she wasn't here...If Mari-san didn't exist then none of this would be happening right now!"
I bit my tongue...knowing that what I was contemplating wasn't true at all.
"My life would be normal! Everything would be...normal!"
Like an armadillo, I curled in my blankets, away from the world. The cool night cleaved in as if I was in the middle of the artic. Alone, scared, unable to survive this harsh winter that threatened to take my life. How I wish the spring would come and clear up all these tensions in my body. I wanted to run into someone's arms and cry out all of my frustrations. In the past that would have been my mom. We would cry together, embracing our pains while growing stronger during our times of weakness. Now she was gone...Mom changed and now there wasn't anyone for me to latch on to...
So, I gripped my stomach and...cried out...
Again, I cried for the one person who would comfort me. The only one who would…even now during all this madness...understand me.
“Daddy…Daddy I miss you…”
Of course, he was long gone from this world and wouldn’t be able to wrap his arms around me. But someone…I needed someone to comfort me and tell me that….
"It’ll be okay…"
He wouldn’t lie to me like mom. He wouldn’t hide things from me like Mari-san. He wouldn’t dare to think I would never forgive him…like Mae-chan. He would be honest…So honest that it would make me sick. Something I yearn for out of everything right now.
“I miss you so much Daddy…I miss you…so…much.”
My heart is shrinking and soon it won't be able to beat any longer. It hurts too much. The heat of my tears made the blankets I enclosed myself in like a sauna. Barely able to breathe by the constant assaults of hiccups, I closed my eyes.
At some point during this festering thrash of emotions…I drifted off to sleep silently pleading to him to come back home and save me…