Have you lost your fucking mind?

Despite all the pieces still on the board, it was already coming down to the wire. My bishops controlled both centre diagonals, and I was up two pawns with a dangerous attack on the kingside flank. Unfortunately, with two rooks, two minor pieces and a queen still on the board, a decent player could definitely force a draw from his position.

Which is what caused my next outburst.

“What? Are you an idiot?” I said to the idiot.

“Sorry?”

“Look, you just…” I checked the now-open king with my queen completely uncontested, forking the lonely knight in the middle of the board. The only way for him to prevent a serious material loss was to block with his queen, which…

“Left myself open to force a queen trade…” he sighed, sitting back in his chair and realising he had already lost.

“What sort of amateur makes such a basic mistake in a tournament final? Loser.”

“Do you really have to be so toxic about it? You already won.”

“If you don’t wanna be called a loser, try winning next time. Y’know, if your little pea brain can manage tha-“

The newspaper slammed down on the guidance counsellor’s desk.

“Chess up-and-comer Tanki Nanako wins tournament, disqualified for verbal abuse?!”

“Who the fuck still buys physical newspapers? The 90s are over, old man.”

“Nanako, you’ve already been banned from the women’s league for your behaviour, at this rate they’re gonna blacklist you from the opens too,” he said sternly.

“If they don’t want me to call my opponents idiots and losers, they should try putting me against players who are actually worth a damn.”

“For the love of-“ he began to raise his voice, before stopping himself, sitting back in his chair and holding the bridge of his nose. “…look. I get it. You’re a genius. Leaps and bounds above your peers as a chess player. Not getting a decent match must be frustrating for you-“

“So you understand?”

“-but the only thing greater than your skill is your massive ego.” For a guy whose job it is to calmly advise students, he sure sounded pissed off. “I respect that you can back up your trash talk with good performance, but if you want to get anywhere in life, you need to learn to hold your damn tongue.”

“Come oooon, teach, I’m just a dainty middle school girl, I’ll grow out of it.”

“You’re 23 and in college.”

“I’m a late bloomer.”

“Right, because you getting DQ’d from the women’s junior tournament for telling your opponent you’d “rather take her innocence than her material” was just your child-like naïveté at play.”

“Eheh… I… misspoke?” I said, rubbing the back of my head awkwardly. Frankly, that was one thing I couldn’t deny. I tended to let my tongue move faster than my brain when it came to pretty girls.

God, I wish I could let my tongue move somewhere else with that girl. What were we talking about again?

“You need to get this habit of yours under control, Nanko. The only opponents you don’t verbally assault are the ones that you try to seduce.”

Oh. Right. That.

“Look, I’ll try and keep my tongue under control next time, alright?”

“Nope. Not good enough. You said that last time, and look where that got you. You need someone to seriously straighten you out before you get banned for life.”

“What, and that’s gonna be you? Mr ‘my wife left me because I’m too passive?’”

“…I’ll ignore that,” he said, though the death stare did not exactly tell me he was gonna forget it. “No, actually I’ve got someone else in mind. Someone who can really put you in your place…”

“What- why are you saying ominous lines at me and grinning like a fuckin’ psycho? Counsellor? This… isn’t one of those things where the scene transitions somewhere completely ridiculous, right?”

***

“…counsellor?”

“Yes?”

“With all due respect have you lost your fucking mind?”

“If I hadn’t before meeting you, you’ve certainly driven me there.”

“Your idea of straightening me out is to send me to a beautiful girl with tits bigger than my head?!” I hissed in a hush voice, before turning my attention to the girl. “Wonderful rack, by the way,” I said, giving her a thumbs up.

“Thanks! I love your earrings,” she beamed back innocently. Could she even see my earrings from back there? We were on opposite sides of the room.

“I’m not sending you here for conversion therapy, you prat,” sighed the counsellor. “You being a raging homosexual is not the issue at hand here. It’s that you don’t know how to hold your tongue. You completely lack any sense of discipline. So I’m sending you to the most disciplined student I have. Nanko, meet Jūken Touka. The university’s rising star in the boxing world.”

“Ahh, I see…” I said, not listening at all. God damn, that girl was fine as fuck. Dirty blonde hair, sharp features, at least four or five inches taller than me… god she could take me for a fucking ride.

Wait… what did he say?

“Boxing?! Waitwaitwaitwait, counsellor, you can’t do this to me! I’m pretty sure beating discipline into someone is illegal, y’know! This is a hate crime! Homophobic! Evil!”

“Homophobic? Is that true, counsellor?" asked the girl, whose name was apparently Touka. She had that ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed’ tone that set off my repressed mommy issues.

“No, no it is not,” he sighed. “I’m very accepting and supportive of my LGBT students. What I don’t support is whatever the fuck is wrong with this one.”

“You might be the worst guidance counsellor to ever live.”

“I’m a reflection of my students.”

“I hate you so fucking much.”

“Likewise.”

Stop rising to my bait, idiot, what sort of authority figure are you? Are you stupid?

“So, counsellor, is this girl the one?” Touka asked. “The chess player?”

Chess player? Had that bastard planned this in advance? Why the hell hadn’t I heard about it?

“Yep, she’s the one. My condolences in advance,” replied the counsellor.

“Awesome!” She bounded towards me and took both of my hands in hers. My gay panic almost rendered me speechless. “I’m so glad to meet my new coach!”

“Can I lick your- wait what do you mean new coach?”

“Oh, didn’t I tell you?” Smirked the counsellor. “You’re gonna be coaching her in chess. And in return, she’s gonna be coaching you in boxing.”