It Was Never Me

Why can't you just be with me?" N stared at her ceiling, eyes glossy, throat tight.

The words circled her mind over and over again like a song stuck on repeat.

Maybe I need to stop thinking of you like this if it's never going to happen.

Her chest physically hurt. Like something was sitting on it.

She knew the truth.

J was straight.

J had a boyfriend.

And no matter how long N loved her it was never going to change that.

A tear slid down her face

"This hurts," she whispered . And the worst part,She couldn't even be mad at her Because J never promised her anything.

An hour later, N was sitting alone at a bar.

The music was loud.The lights were dim.People were laughing like the world wasn't ending.

She stared into her drink before throwing it back.

Burn Good.Maybe if I burn enough I won't feel anything else.

She grabbed her phone and texted the only person who would actually come get her.

N: Hey... can you pick me up in like an hour? I'm at a bar rn. I'm sorry. I won't drink as much this time.

Across town, Mullet Girl was laying on her bed scrolling mindlessly.

Her phone lit up.

She read the message.

A small smile formed.

Of course she's at a bar alone.

Mullet Girl:

Okay. I'll come get you.

She didn't even hesitate.

Back at the bar, one drink turned into three.

Three turned into seven.Seven turned into ten.

N's laugh was louder now. Her cheeks flushed. Her mind fuzzy.

She reached for another shot.

Her phone buzzed.

J:Hey.

N stared at the name.

Her stomach twisted.

"Ugh."She rolled her eyes and flipped her phone face down.

Now you text me?

After walking past me like I was nothing earlier? She swallowed another shot.

When Mullet Girl walked in, she spotted N immediately.

Because N always stood out to her.

Even drunk,Even messy, and Even hurting.

"N," she said gently.

N turned, smiling lazily."You cameeee."

"Yeah," Mullet Girl said softly. "Of course I did."

N grabbed her wrist.

"Take a shot with me. Just one." "I'm driving."

"Just one," N repeated, dragging the word out. Then she lightly brushed her fingers along Mullet Girl's forearm.

"Please?"It was such a small touch.

But it made Mullet Girl's stomach flip.

She sighed.Fine. One."

One turned into two And by the time they left, Mullet Girl was definitely feeling it.They stumbled into Mullet Girl's place.

She locked the door and turned to N. "Why were you at the bar alone?"

N dropped onto the couch, staring at the ceiling.

"I was overwhelmed."

"With?"

It goes silent for 30 seconds

Then t-

"My best friend told me she has a boyfriend."

Mullet Girl felt her chest tighten."Oh."

"And when I told you I was meeting with someone earlier?" N laughed bitterly. "That's who I met."She rubbed her face.

"I was devastated. And jealous. And hurt. She didn't even consider me."

Her voice cracked slightly."And I know she's straight. I know she doesn't feel the same way. So I shouldn't even be like this. But it still hurts."

Mullet Girl sat down across from her Listening.

"And today I saw them walking together," N continued. "I said hey. She gave me the most emotionless 'hey' back."

Her jaw tightened."I felt stupid."

Silence filled the room.

"And there's this other girl..." N added quietly. "I think I might like her. I don't know."

Mullet Girl's heart started beating faster.

"Wowww," she said awkwardly. "That's... a lot. Can I give my opinion?"

"Yeah."

"I think you shouldn't chase your best friend. She has a boyfriend. She's not into girls. It won't work."

Her eyes softened.

"Maybe you should give the other girl a chance."She tried to sound casual.

But there was something sad in her expression.

N noticed.

"That's enough about me," N said suddenly.

She shifted.

"Is there anyone you like?"

Mullet Girl hesitated.

There was only one face in her mind."There is someone," she admitted.

N's stomach tightened.

"She's really pretty. Soft skin. Smart. Brave."

N felt like someone punched her chest from the inside,Why does that hurt?

"She's amazing," Mullet Girl finished quietly.

In mullet girls head Does she know I'm talking about her?

N forced a laugh."Wow. You really like her. Your eyes lit up."

Mullet Girl looked down."Yeah."

N stood up quickly."I think I'm gonna wash up and go to sleep."

Because she couldn't sit there another second feeling that ache in her chest.