Public Speech

Andrew didn’t show up late again. In fact he seemed to show up even earlier than usual, and put his back into the menial labor. That one late day had seemed to have lit a fire under the kid, and he became even more punctual than before. The job was, well, cleaning. It was a necessity of life that someone had to do, but not exactly something most people could be passionate about. Yet, Andrew seemed to double his efforts, as if he had something at stake in a rather meaningless and monotonous job. Perhaps though, he did. Liam couldn’t help but wonder if the kid’s efforts were truly from learning to take responsibility, or if they were a sign of desperation, a frenzied fear forcing him to plow forward lest he stumble and be caught with the hopeless reality of being buried in debt and joblessness.

As the days passed Liam couldn’t help but notice that Andrew seemed to grow increasingly stressed as well. Their conversations were just a little more terse, he’d always seemed somewhat nervous, but Liam couldn’t help but wonder if he heard a bit more of a quiver in the young man’s voice. His posture too seemed to suggest an increase in anxiety. With his right eye open it was practically invisible, but with it closed Liam seemed to notice Andrew’s shoulders were a little more tense, his expression a little more grim, his mannerisms more nervous and uncomfortable than before. He looked worse too, getting thinner and more gaunt with bags deepening under his eyes. He seemed to be withering away, becoming a husk-like zombie of his former self mindlessly going through his work. It was uncomfortable to watch him slowly get crushed by life, yet he continued to show up early and work hard, as if he was determined to not go down without a fight, or perhaps intended to go down in some final blaze of glory. Regardless, he clearly wasn’t doing well.

Liam noticed that he was beginning to be more punctual as well. Normally he’d lay in bed until the last possible minute and avoid the station as much as possible, but as the days went by he seemed to get up earlier and earlier. It was strange, before he would have liked to simply lay in bed until the pestering of his mini-me forced him up, but now he had the opposite feeling, that he didn’t mind the long and grueling work day because it kept him from home. Perhaps it was because of that night when he’d encountered a cleaner, or maybe it was just the slow realization of how empty his home was. The hollow feeling would chase him there, torment him as he lay sleeplessly in bed, but when he was working and talking with Andrew that feeling was kept at bay. It gave him a way to get out of his own head and get his thoughts out. It wasn’t that he suddenly liked his job, no he probably hated it more than ever, but having another person there made it feel, well, different. There was something oddly comforting in having a person he could see with his flesh and blood eye to talk to who would listen and respond no matter how cynical or unhinged the conversation became.

It was easier to continue this pattern, easy to show up to work each day, chat, and then leave again, but Liam couldn’t help but notice his young coworkers' deterioration. Liam arrived at work one day to find that Andrew was already there, looking like he hadn’t caught a wink of sleep, like death itself was after him. He looked haunted and gaunt, with the dazed expression of someone not yet fully sober.

“Hey kid, are you-uh… okay? You look like you haven’t slept in ages.”

“Oh. Sorry. Guess I lost track of time looking into jobs again,” laughed Andrew nervously.

“That’s well and good and all,” grunted Liam, changing into his uniform, “but you gotta take care of yourself! Don’t let it eat into the job that you do have!”

“Sorry,” replied Andrew sheepishly, “I’ll get through my shift fine, there’s no need to worry.”

“Don’t apologize to me,” said Liam skeptically in response, “if there’s somethin’ goin’ on it’s better to just spit it out ya know.”

“Yeah—thanks, I’m fine, shifts are just long.”

Things were clearly not fine. Andrew was being gnawed away by something, slowly being chewed away bit by bit. Liam tried to count the bandages on the kid’s arm, but he couldn’t tell if it was more than usual. He had the sudden compulsion to speak, to say something, to offer help, to let Andrew know that at least someone noticed.

“Well, uhhh, how ‘bout we talk this out over dinner?” said Liam somewhat awkwardly, “I’ll pay, nothin’ fancy, but as your senior coworker I feel I gotta take a little responsibility.”

“Really?” said Andrew, and Liam couldn’t help but notice his expression brighten a little.

“Don’t act so surprised, it’s just common courtesy. You’re young and new, venting to an older coworker might be good for you.”

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

“Don’t make a big deal of it, this job’s virtually my entire life, can’t tell you the last time I went out and ate with anyone, so I guess it’ll be good for me too.”

Andrew merely nodded and began to haul out the metal cleaning staff.

When had been the last time he’d gone out and had a meal with someone? Liam supposed he had lunch breaks with Andrew, but that wasn’t quite the same, they were both still at the train station in work attire. So, how long ago had it been? Months? Years? No, that couldn’t possibly be true. But… then again, what had he been doing for the past 12 years? It was a blur of waking, working, and saving every penny he could, but years? Surely not. That was simply too depressing to be true, so Liam shoved it into the back of his mind, best not to think about it at all.

The hours passed by, slipping away into late evening, but the lights of the city were never-ceasing. The shadows were ever-static, the ground always the same level of somewhat dimness, the light that filtered through windows was synthetic and cold, and no time was distinguishable from another. Waking, sleeping, working, eating, day, noon, night, morning, all was bathed in the same uncaring man-made lights. Without a clock there was no way to orient oneself, no way to gauge the passage of time. So you toiled away, never-ceasing, until your mini-me at last chimed in, telling you your job was done. Time was entirely defined by your employer, held in the hands of some distant master. But yet it was inevitable that the workday would end, that humans could not deny the reality that time was marching forward. So Liam worked, day in and day out, confident in his knowledge that his shift would eventually end, and he’d be freed from its bondage.

Your shift has ended.

“Hey Andrew, I don’t think I ever asked, but uh, where ya from?”

“New Haven I guess.”

“Oh, so you’re not even from here, so how’d you end up with this job?”

“Well, currently I’m living in the east housing block. I came here for university, but well, now I’m here so I guess I’m sticking around for the time being.”

“You ever been to the city proper?”

“Ummm, maybe once?”

“Let’s go there then, walk around, see what there is.”

“Where do you, uh, live?”

“Me? I’m up here in the eaves of the city, block housing close to the station. Not as many options there though, unless you like Fast ‘n Fried.”

“Let’s just go down to the city then.”

By now the station had begun to clear out. Most people had already headed home this late in the day, but the trains were still running. The two janitors hopped on one as it began its descent towards the city. The compartment was mostly empty, and swayed gently as the vehicle ran its course. The buildings which were normally below them now rose up, climbing up over them and towering high into the air. With a screech the train slowed and halted at its destination, a small grimy station used for transport throughout the city sitting upon the very bottom of the cavern. Liam glanced up, but the buildings around them towered high and blotted out any view of his house or workplace. The city felt small from above, but down here it seemed massive and sprawling. An endless maze.

The station was conveniently located on a center lane cutting through the heart of the city and serving as a hub for entertainment. It was lined with all manner of shops and restaurants to satisfy any desire one could possibly have. Eye stores proudly displayed the newest advances in nerve connection technology, and Me-Tech advertisements called down from every wall. It was the sort of place best enjoyed with one’s metal eyes opened in order to appreciate the neon glow of lights and signs coloring a normally drab world with vibrancy and contrast. With his right eye open Liam could see the way a dark sky was artificially stretched across the district to give it the air of a vibrant night life scene. The place was colorful and beautiful, dripping with capitalistic excess and tantalizing the senses.

Even at this time of day it was busy. People crowded the streets, dressed in elaborate clothes and styles that laughed in the face of gravity and physics. Everything was vibrant, popping out to greet the eyes, a stunning scene, but if he were to flip his eye off, it too would become drab and gray. The dark and light contrasts would vanish, the people would revert to pale ghosts wandering to and fro, the night sky disappear into the cavern ceiling, and the beauty would be drenched in the omnipresent grays and browns of the city. Without his eye open it was sad, pathetic, fake, but with it open it was possible to believe the illusion, possible to ignore his flesh eye and live in that vibrant, lively world.

“Wow, how much does it cost to get something like that,” breathed Andrew as a man clothed in golden robes drifted past. His skin was flawless and radiant to the point of actual illumination, and his long white hair and beard had a rich, silky quality about it and blew gently in an unseen breeze that landed exclusively on his face. His golden robes billowed about him, glittering and sparkling like a thousand stars before trailing off behind him and fading into ephemeral gold dust that coated the ground behind his graceful footfalls.

“Nepotism and a good deal of bad taste,” responded Liam, “Anyway, see somewhere interesting to eat?”

“Um, I don’t know, it’s a lot to take in. I’d forgotten just how… overstimulating it is.”

“Overstimulating… that’s a good way to put it. Let’s just walk around then ‘til we find something.”

The two of them walked around in silence for a moment. The younger man’s head swiveled back and forth trying to take in all the sights, sound, and smells of the place. It had an intoxicating allure that drew you in without ever quite satisfying your hunger.

“Hey, what’s that place?” said Andrew, pointing.

A two-story building loomed up to the right of them with a crowd of people jostling to get in. “Beyond Humanity” was printed in bold, neon letters above the door and flashing lights and music poured through the entrance.

“It’s a digital brothel experience, supposed to be able to give you any fantasy you could imagine through a mix of machines, drugs, and nerve stimulation. I hear it’s all the rage these days, but it costs an arm and a leg, so it’s not like I’ve ever been,” replied Liam.

“Are people really that excited about that sort of thing?”

“Of course, sex sells. Well, until Me-Tech comes along with a full-body nerve suit, then it’ll probably go outta business.”

“I don’t know, there’s—I can’t put my finger on it, but something just feels off about it! It doesn’t feel… right, maybe.”

“Other places will do it with actual women, or men. For all the griping I do about our nation, the mantra does ring true sometimes,” said Liam before half-singing the opening lines, “There is no country greater! No nation more advanced!”

“I guess I just don’t get the appeal.”

“What’s there to get about it? Everyone wants to feel good, to feel happy, everyone’s craving greater pleasure, searching for a bigger dopamine hit.”

“I guess… it just feels fake. It’s not real. It’s trying to bring a fantasy to life that maybe should’ve never existed.”

“Well, if you’ve got the money for it, what else are you gonna spend it on? You’ve gotta chase that feeling of joy, that feeling of… something, anything.”

“Hmmm. Is that what it means to live? To find happiness?”

“Maybe. I hope not though, not everyone finds it easy to be happy. Ya know, that reminds me, a guy I know invited me to go with him a while back.”

“Did you?”

“Weren’t you listening? I haven’t gone, I’m too broke! This is the sort of thing you do when…” Liam trailed off, noticing a rather unfiltered man somewhat shorter and rounder than himself with a stubbly face entering, “Oh ****, I think that’s my doctor goin’ in! Let’s get the **** outta here!”

This is a public area, crude language is prohibited.

Liam pushed Andrew forward and they rushed past the building.

“You don’t wanna say hi to your doctor?” asked Andrew.

“**** no!”

This is a public area, crude language is prohibited.

They slowed down back to a casual pace once they’d put a good bit of distance and a good crowd of people between.

“Hey mini-me,” called out Andrew, “What’s good to eat around here?”

“Oh come on,” griped Liam, “Where’s your sense of fun? Don’t let your mini-me control your life anymore than it already does!”

“I’m hungry, and it’ll find the best places!”

“It’ll find whoever pays Me-Tech the most, besides, where’s your sense of adventure? The whole point of places like this is to go around and find somethin’ interesting, not let your mini-me dictate where to go!”

In the end the two of them settled on a place serving foreign food. It claimed to be authentic cuisine made from scratch using authentic recipes with the highest standard of quality. It was decorated in the sort of stereotypical eye-grabbing, foreign decor that seemed borderline racist. Though, with Liam’s right eye closed it was drab and plain, the decor all digital so the place could easily be turned over or changed.

The food they got had the usual synthetic meat, the sort of stuff so over-engineered it was a tasteless mush with a shelf-life longer than the half-lives of the radioactive particles that dictated living underground. The seasoning helped to somewhat drown it out, and it was at least a unique blend from their usual diets. The food came with real vegetables too, not the paste you usually were served at cheap joints, though Liam wasn’t exactly enthused to be paying for the up charge.

“So, Andrew,” began Liam between mouthfuls, “how’s the job hunt going?”

“Umm, it’s fine I guess. Still just looking.”

“Come on! You can be honest with me. Something’s goin’ on, you don’t look healthy, you showed up looking like you were about to collapse!"

Andrew sighed, his shoulders slumping a little more, “You noticed?”

“Of course,” scoffed Liam.

“I… I just feel lost, I guess,” Andrew’s voice seemed to catch a moment, but then he continued, “I just feel like… like I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. Or even where I’m supposed to start.”

“That’s alright, it’s fine to not have it all together. I just see you everyday and it looks like-like, you’re slowly rotting away, and it’s not right! Better to just let it out, at least try to get it off your chest.”

“I’m not sure how to put in words,” replied Andrew, looking down at the table, “...but, I’m scared, terrified even, that I’ll end up like you.”

Sometimes it was best to just let someone talk, to hear them out, rather than interject. There was a moment of silence where Andrew glanced up at Liam, but the older man remained silent, and Andrew continued, “I look at you and… and all I see is my future, jaded, cynical, lonely, working endlessly just to get by without purpose or care. I’m scared… because that’s the only thing I see in my future.”

“Hm… yeah. I’m not exactly an ideal role model am I? Well, then what do you want to see in your future?”

“I don’t know,” said Andrew softly, the words slipping out soft and sad, “it’s like you said, I don’t know what it means to live.”

There was silence for a moment but Liam didn’t interrupt as the younger man ventured onward tentatively, “I’m scared that, even if it does work out, even if I do get a permanent job, it’ll just be something I grow to hate. That’s the best case scenario, that I’m slowly ground away meaninglessly. Worse, I could be left with nothing, I could be… nothing,” he glanced up at Liam again, “Now I’m sounding like quite the downer, maybe we should just—”

Liam interrupted, “Don’t be afraid of how you feel. I suppose I told you it’s better not to spend too much time thinking, but that wasn’t very good advice was it? There are some things you can’t hide with a filter… some things you can’t ignore forever. Whenever I first went to university it was like, like a cold splash of water, a reality check after finally getting out of the gov houses, you feel the same way?”

“Yeah…” agreed Andrew softly, his voice quiet and hesitant at first but slowly rising and gaining confidence as the words began to tumble out of him, “I always assumed that if I could make it through the gov house, if I could make it through school, if I could get a degree that I’d be able to get a decent paying job, be able to live a nice life, that, that I’d get it all figured out! I did everything right! I did everything I was supposed to, so why? Why is the only job I’ve ever managed to land temporary! Why do I still feel so lost! Why is the only thing I find myself living for anymore—” he stopped himself short, embarrassed at the thoughts he hadn’t been able to hold in.

“There’s something you’re not mentioning isn’t there? Everyone’s got a vice, it’s the only way up in the morning sometimes, but… but if I were to guess, there’s more to this equation, more to the reason why you’ve been showing up to work looking so haggard.”

There was a moment of painful silence, Andrew seemed too ashamed to even make eye contact.

“It’s alright, I ain’t gonna report you or something,” said Liam.

“I…” the younger man paused, unsure of himself, then seemed to gain some confidence, or perhaps desperation, “It started off in college, I got my first taste of euphoria IX, and it was fun at first, a way to have a good time, but now, now it feels like the only way to feel anything. Sometimes I don’t know why I keep on living, and sometimes the only reason I can find is to not take life sober. It’s not that I want to die, it’s that I don’t care to go on existing. So I keep taking larger and larger doses to get that feeling of ego death where you cease to exist in your own body anymore, to replicate a feeling of relief I don’t know how to find on my own anymore.”

He squeezed his hand tightly into a fist, “I’m pathetic, aren’t I? Whining like this when you’ve been working like this for over a decade. If I just try harder, I’ll get a job, right? If I just keep submitting applications, if I just keep on going, I’ll figure it out, right? That’s what I’m supposed to do, right?” He suddenly broke into a laugh, as if there was some cruel joke to it all, “I feel like I’ve been sold a lie, that everything I was raised on was fake. I’m utterly worthless in this world, not fit to even have my genes passed on,” a deluge of long pent-up emotions seemed to pour out now, “I’m just an addict who deserves his failures. If I’d tried harder, studied harder, been smarter, sobered up, then, then maybe things wouldn’t be so bad. It’s so hard to get up sometimes, to keep going on, because it feels like it’s all been my fault, because I feel like I’ve got nothing in my future other than misery, because I’ve realized there’s no point to me, and my only consolation, the only way I can feel anything anymore is to get high! And even that is losing its edge.”

Andrew’s rant ceased, he was breathing hard, his shoulders slumping even lower. Liam flipped his right eye closed and could truly see the kid, no, a young man in the prime of his life. He should be young and carefree, content to simply live, but instead he looked defeated and tired, an abandoned child at last realizing they had no prospects, no hope for their life other than dull misery until their heart stopped. He made for an utterly contemptible figure, someone being eaten alive by the world, whose only joy in life left was to eat themselves.

A burning conviction stirred within Liam, it wasn’t right that this world should eat its young, that someone as young as Andrew could be left in such a state. It was a lake of fire roiling in his stomach that forced its way up his throat and out his mouth with a hiss.

“Don’t blame it all on yourself, don’t say it’s your fault when it’s **** not!”

This is a public area-

“You never chose your genetics, never chose to be raised on lies and propaganda in a gov house!”

-crude language is prohibited.

“There are a thousand **** things you can’t control! Don’t internalize them as faults of your own!”

This is a public area-

“You didn’t have an ounce of control on the money you were born into, the luck you had, the opportunities!”

-crude language is prohibited.

“In another time, another place you could’ve had a better life! This is a fault of the **** system for not taking care of its own! They chose your genetics, gave you worth based on a dollar sign you couldn’t control until now, told you to take on debts, told you to trust them, to believe in them, but they threw you out to wolves to be ground up in their great machine without thought or care for your own wellbeing! It’s not right!”

This is a public area-

“**** the government and their **** genetic control!”

This is a public area-

“**** the gov houses!”

This is a public area-

“**** their indoctrination!”

This is a public area-

“**** the politicians!”

This is a public area-

“**** their endless greed!”

Your repeated offenses-

“**** the whole **** system for not giving a ****!”

-necessitate that we mute you.

Liam’s mad rant suddenly cut off, his pale face left red and steaming, but no sound from the movement of his mouth could make it through the clips in ears.

You just keep blaming all your problems on something else.

The two janitors ended up spending the rest of the night getting Liam unmuted. They searched up a digital Me-Tech store first, but the automated response told them they’d need to go to one in person. The employees at the one they visited couldn’t help with the issue and had to contact government officials. This, of course, resulted in a hefty load of paperwork and a whole lot of waiting. In the end they got Liam unmuted, but were too exhausted to do anything other than go to their respective homes and collapse.