Soul Gaze

                                                     Approximately 10 years ago

Zircon was annoyed and unmoved. “No, for the hundredth time, I will not!” He snapped, crossing his arms. Lord Zarak massaged his forehead. “Please, high mage! This is a direct order from the king! Don’t make this harder than it needs to be!” The advisor’s tone made it clear that he understood he had a better chance of negotiating with a wall. “I do not care what the old fart says, I refuse to engage with one of those murderers! Nope, no way, not happening! No matter what pragmatic reasons you come up with, I absolutely will not defile and degrade myself by bearing witness to the filth inside their soul!”

“Zircon, the King wouldn’t have done this if he didn’t trust the man.” Zarak’s voice jumped a pitch in desperation. “He’s not as bad as the others and that’s the only reason, he’s alive right now. Come on, you know the King! He’s not the sort of person to take crime and abuse of the innocent lightly! I don’t blame you for being wary but, whatever you’re imagining, this man is not it!” “For the last time! No!"

“Oh my. What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?” The King entered the workshop completely unannounced, causing both men to jump. “I-I’m sorry my lord!” “K-King! No, you shouldn’t have come here without giving me a chance to clean up!” The King chuckled. “It’s alright, you two can relax. So, Lord Zarak, what’s been holding you up?” The advisor looked about to burst into tears. “I told the mage that it was time to do the soul gaze and that it’s a direct order from you, but he won’t cooperate! I have no idea how to get this creatin to budge!” The King patted him on the shoulder. “Thanks for your effort, my friend, but how about you let me have a try?" Zarak paused. “Are sure, my Lord?” "I can handle this myself. Why don’t you take a break?” Zarak didn’t need to be told twice, quickly booking it out of the mages’ quarters.

Zircon, still crossing his arms, glared at the King defiantly. “I don’t care if it’s you yourself asking me, I stand by my no!” The King smiled in amusement. “What am I going to do with you? For someone who’s ageless and holds the knowledge of eras forgotten by man, you can be shockingly childish, you know?” Zircon grunted, not finding it funny.

“As you’ve said, I’ve seen much...too much.” Zircon glared down at the floor. “I’ve done thousands of soul gazes. You aren’t the first King to use me as a security measure and test of loyalty. And I’ve done my fair share of living, too. Can you even imagine how it feels? Have you ever even thought for a second about what a burden it is for me?”

“How what feels? Care to elaborate?” The King asked calmly. Zircon knew that he was just taking the bait, but he couldn’t help himself. “Do you humans really think that a soul gaze is a simple thing? That it’s just something I can do and move on from? It’s not like other magic; it’s not just some sort of spell! I’m literally being pulled into someone’s soul; the spiritual core of their very being. I see and feel everything. To you, it might seem like it’s only a few seconds but, to me, experiencing someone’s memories, their feelings, their intentions, the things about their subconscious that they don’t even realize...it feels like years. It drains me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m seeing and experiencing the true nature of a person firsthand in my own mind and body...don’t any of you realize how painful it is?!” Zircon clutched his chest and burst out screaming, unable to stay calm.

“The things I’ve seen, the types of people I had to do soul gazes on...it makes me sick! I’ve been physically ill! Sometimes, the nightmares last for months! The hatred people hide, the things they’re willing to do for power, the way they’ll even betray their own flesh and blood for their own self-interest...you don’t want to know the things I’ve seen.” Zircon clutched the arms of the chair, trying to steady himself as his eyes went wild. “Imagine the worst thing you’ve heard that a human being has done. Now multiple it by ten. And then multiply that by fifty. Then multiple that by thousands of people. The torture, the blood, the suffering, the pain, the sadism, the lack of mercy or remorse...I don’t want to see any more. My entire hundreds of years of life, I’ve witnessed enough with my own two eyes. I don’t want to have any more darkness in my mind or soul. I don’t want to see anymore.” He reached up and covered his eyes. “Please...don’t make do this. I don’t want to see the soul of a mercenary.” Zircon begged. “I don’t hate humans, but it’s too much! The whole race is too much, and I’m exhausted by how much cruelty and dark energy is in the world. I just...I can’t anymore, Sire.” He uncovered his eyes and sat up. “I’m not avoiding this because I’m immature or lazy. It hurts and is a traumatic thing for me to do.”

The king smiled gently back at him. “I don’t think you’re being selfish. I confess, I've never realized just how deep the pain ran, but I assure you I never took your use of soul gazing lightly. I’m not a wizard, so I can never fully understand the weight that’s on your shoulders, but I can see it. You care deeply but have been subjected to so much through the years that it’s hard to bear. There’s an emotional and mental burden that comes with magic, especially when you’re dealing with the natures of others. I don’t blame you and I pity the weight that you’re carrying. However...I need you to do this. I need to be sure.” The King paused for a moment, letting the silence linger in the air. “This person I’m having you do a soul gaze on, he’s...different. He’s not like the other mercenaries. I won’t deny that you may see some unpleasant things in him, but he’s not beyond saving in the same way the others were. He’s a teenager, just barely more than a child, and he’s shown the will and desire to change, to atone. He deserves a chance. But I’m only human. I can’t help that suspicious, distrustful part of me that’s telling me it could be an act, despite all evidence to the contrary. I need to know for sure, and you’re the only one who can help me Zircon.”

The King stared steadily into the Wizard’s eyes. “Please, I’m begging you for your help. If I'm wrong, if you’re delt another mental scar by this soul gaze, I’ll never make you do another one again. I’ll put it into a signed amendment to your contract, if you want. But I really can’t do this in my own fragile power.” While Zircon didn’t want to yield, the King’s honest and open demeanor lowered his defenses. Unlike his past employers, this King always treated the wizard as an asset to make up for his own weakness, not a show of his own strength and dominion. As much as Zircon complained, he’d never once been given a task or order that he found morally repressible or was truly opposed to. king Cabochon was a good man who’d never broken his trust before and, as much as Zircon never wanted to do another soul gaze, there was no reason to believe that this request would be any different.

“...Fine.” Zircon sighed, hoisting himself out of his chair. “Let's get this over with. You better be serious about never making me do another one. I’ll hold you to that promise of a written contract.”

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“I’ll be waiting out here, alright? If you need anything, just yell.” The King clapped Zircon on the shoulder. “Right.” Zircon took a deep breath and strode down the empty, stone hallway. Every single sound echoed in this prison. The mercenary in question had been moved to the upper levels where general prisoners were kept. Typically, no one more dangerous than a common thief or drunk was housed in the general cells and, currently, the mercenary was the only one imprisoned. The more dangerous prisoners were kept in the lower levels, with the prison extending for dozens of floors underground. It was a sign of just how unthreatening the mercenary seemed, that he wasn’t locked away to rot at the lowest level of the dungeons, but Zircon still thought it was more than the shithead deserved.

As he approached the heavy wooden door, his stomach did flip-flops at the sight of all the locks holding it shut. He still wanted to turn around and leave the King in the cold stone building to deal with his own problems, but it was too late to turn back now. Resting his hand on the door, Zircon tried to steal his nerves and close off his heart. ‘Let’s get this over with.’ With a glow from his palm, the locks unlatched, and the door swung open. Zircon stepped over the threshold. The room was sparse and what furniture it had was simple and rough, but it was nothing like you would expect a prison cell to be. In front of the wide, bar-covered window, someone was sitting in a chair with their back to him. “Hey. You.” Hesitantly, the person turned around.

Zircon’s eyebrows shot up. He had no idea what he had been expecting. A mountain of a main covered in scars or a bearded old man with a hook for a hand; someone who looked like the type of person who’d murdered people en-mass. But this man looked surprisingly ordinary. He was tall and well built, but he wasn’t a hulking monster. His skin was pale and he had long black hair, but he looked utterly human. The man’s eyes were surprising; they were deep red and unsettling, but there was nothing inherently wrong with them, despite their oddity. What really got to Zircon was the man’s face. ‘He doesn’t look...that doesn’t seem like the face of a merciless killer.’

He was young, and that was unsettling. Somewhere in the fifteen- to eighteen-year-old range, likely. The person he was supposed to do the soul gaze on had been described as a life-long member of the mercenary group, but this guy was quite literally still a child. ‘How young was he when he became a mercenary?’ Zircon shook his head. It didn’t matter; this person in front of him wasn’t an innocent kid. He’d taken the lives of innocent people and terrorized the inhabitants of the continent. Appearances were deceiving, and he’d probably used his unassuming looks to get close to his targets.

“Hey, look at me when I’m talking to you!” Zircon ordered. “S-sorry...” The voice was barely audible. “You...you’re the wizard the King was talking about, right? He said you’d be coming.” The person looked at Zircon but was unable to meet his eyes. Zircon bit his lip. ‘This guy...he looks so sad and scared. Is he really a mercenary?’ There wasn’t any trace of hardness or deception in that face, and the way his eyes darted around the room made it obvious he was nervous. It was like he was scared of Zircon. The mage felt a surge of anger. “Yes. And I take no pleasure in having to talk to you. If it was up to me, you’d be rotting in jail, but you somehow managed to charm the King. He seems dead set on giving you a chance, the stupid old fool.” The dark-haired man clutched the back of his chair and stared down at the floor. “What did you say? Speak up!” Zircon snapped.

“I wanted to be executed. But they wouldn’t.” The man whispered. “I never asked for a second chance.” Zircon ground his teeth together. “This is exactly why I can’t stand scum like you! It’s never enough for you and you’re incapable of gratitude, even when you’re extended the mercy you’d never think to extend to others.” The wizard strode aggressively towards him and the man trembled. “W-what are you going to do to me?” “The heart doesn’t lie. You can’t hide your true nature from me. Your secret thoughts, your feelings, what you plan to do...I want to see everything.” Zircon stood over the man, unmoved by the naked terror in those red eyes. “Show me your true nature, bastard! Expose your rot for everyone to see!” 

He thrust his hand into the man’s chest. The man moaned in pain, but there was no blood. “Oh, shut up! It’s not like I actually hurt you! You’ll be fine.” There were less intrusive ways of initiating a soul gaze, but those were too good for someone like this. Zircon clutched the man’s heart and squeezed it tightly. With flash of light, he wasn’t seeing the present anymore.

A series of thoughts, feelings, sensations, sounds and smells bombarded him. As the sensory input flooded his being, Zircon felt an ache in the inside of his skull. ‘This guy-! His feelings and memories are so strong and intense!’ Suddenly, the visions and sensations narrowed. They flashed through and before him in quick succession, but he was able to get a distinct impression burned into his consciousness for each one.

‘How is this-?! How is this possible?’ Zircon couldn’t believe what he was witnessing. There were so many dark and evil memories; sin and violence had clearly left their mark on this person. But the man’s soul itself...’There’s...there’s no evil or malice in him. How? How can that even be possible?’ As the mercenary's life flowed through him, complete with the man’s feelings and thoughts, he couldn’t explain it. ‘How? How is he so...? His faith, his optimism, his belief in humanity...how are they still so strong? And his feelings and thoughts! How can...how can they be so normal and innocent? All the stuff this guy has been through, all the things he’s done, how is he still alive? How does he still have a human heart? He’s a mercenary! A killer! He should have the soul of a monster! But it’s not! He’s...this is-!’

Suddenly, Zircon had reached the end of the man’s sensory memory and was at the core of his being; the definitive impression of everything the person was. Zircon’s eyes widened in shock at then intensity of the impression. ‘It’s so beautiful...I’ve never seen a soul like this before...’

Zircon fell to the floor. While he was bent over in shock, the boy panted and clutched his chest. “I-I’m-! W-what was that? I’m...okay?” Zircon tucked his head between his knees and took steady breaths, trying to get his nausea under control. “It was...a soul gaze.” He wheezed out. “Consider it a sort of reading of your character and personality. you okay?” The boy nodded hesitantly. “My chest aches a bit but I’m fine. Are you okay? You did...whatever you did to my chest and then your face and eyes got all empty and they were glowing?” “I’m a wizard. I was using my magic. It takes a lot of mana for a soul gaze.” Zircon squeezed his knees. “I wanted it to hurt, so I intentionally chose the most painful and invasive method. I’m so sorry; you didn’t deserve that.” The boy sat and stared at Zircon’s rising and falling shoulders, unsure what to do. Because the wizard was bent over, he couldn’t read his expression and hesitated to approach the man.

“I owe you an apology.” Ziron raised his head, exposing the tear tracks running down his face. “I misjudge you. I assumed that you were a monster but...” He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and forced himself to stand on uneasy legs. “I’ve never seen such a beautiful soul before. You’re a good person. What’s your name?” The boy’s deep eyes studied him with concern, trying to pick up any tricks or lies. There were none, and the boy relaxed slightly.

“I’m Azreal.”