Toxic Plain-Jane

It was a Saturday, so naturally I had hoped to lie in until 2pm, complain I was hungry because I had eaten yet, stay up until 4am on my computer, then complain I was tired tomorrow because I hadn’t slept properly. The way god intended weekends to be.

Of course, my plans were immediately ruined by a very rude reminder that I lived on a council estate. Fucking neighbours.

Our next-doors had caused us problems ever since we moved in a couple years ago. They were loud, they were rude, and I was thoroughly convinced they ran a drug cartel from their back garden. It was this bastard family of five, where each subsequent child born (the youngest being 15) was even more insufferable than the last. I even composed a limerick in their honour.

Insipid and witless is she

While violent and brutish is he

That couple next door

Raised a bastard and whore

And the mad little junkie made three.

Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.

Poetry aside, I now had the issue of being awake six entire hours earlier than I had intended. Seriously, what sort of fucking lunatic wakes up at 8am on a Saturday?

…actually, I knew of exactly one such lunatic.

***

“Hey, Mai? Wanna go for a run with me?”

The clattering of the butter knife against the plate echoed through the kitchen. Her crumb-covered face was frozen in abject shock, the piece of buttered toast in her left hand making no move closer to her face.

Calmly, she put down the toast, got to her feet, walked over to me, and pinched me hard on the arm.

“Ow! What the fuck is wrong with you!”

“I’m really awake…”

“If you think you’re dreaming you’re supposed to pinch yourself, you special case!”

“Why would I pinch myself? That sounds like it’d hurt.”

“No fucking shit!”

As if she didn’t know that. Bet it was revenge for all the times he beat her ass as a kid. Maybe this whole boxing thing is a good idea after all, I can get her back for this.

“So, what could possibly possess the patron saint of seclusion to venture out of her little cave and actually exercise for once?”

“Do you have to ask every question in the most insulting way possible?”

“Do you have to dodge every answer?”

“…Touka recommended it.”

Mai folded her arms and raised an eyebrow. Get that shit-eating grin off your shit-eating face, you shit-eating fuck.

“Hmm? The sedentary slag herself, getting off her arse and running just because some girl told her to?” she said with a smirk. “Sounds like my little sister’s got herself a crush.”

“You would too if you saw her cleavvvvvisage… her visage… yeah, that’s what I was gonna say,” I lied convincingly. “And anyway, little sister? I’m older than you.”

“And smaller than me.”

“I’ll still kick your ass.”

“With what muscle? Maybe you should be hitting the gym instead of going for a run, noodle arms.”

“Touka said I should work on my stamina more than my strength.”

“Not even dating this girl yet and she’s already got you whipped?”

“Oh, bite me.”

“Don’t you want that to be her job?”

Before I could hit her with my super witty and intelligent clapback, Mai turned away, scarfed down the last bit of toast, and headed to the shoe rack near the front door. She slipped her shoes on, put her hand on the door handle, and turned her head back to me.

“Well? Aren’t you coming?”

***

“Slow… the fuck… down… bitch…” I panted, dragging myself behind Mai’s steadily shrinking back.

“Wh- it’s been two minutes, why do you look like you just carried the crucifix through Jerusalem?!” she said, stopping and turning back to me.

“Because… I don’t… fucking… run… ever…”

“Lord above… to think my mental image of you was somehow an overestimate.”

“What… mental… image…?”

“Somewhere between ‘tortoise’ and ‘tortoise with a heart condition.’”

“Fuck… you…”

“You’re hopeless.” She dropped the heavy backpack she was carrying and pulled out a one-litre metal bottle. “Drink. We don’t want you shrivelling up like a dry prune.”

“Thanks…” I chugged half the bottle in one go, the cold water both refreshing my body and stabbing at my still-panting lungs. Man, was I really this weak?

“There’s a bench a little further up. Let’s sit there while you catch your breath,” said Mai, slinging the bag back over her back and walking casually towards the bench. I felt heavy with every step I took behind her.

Dropping my ass into that bench gave me more relief than my last quickie with that sprinter behind the bike shed. Man, that was a girl that could get me excited about running.

Speaking of which…

“Nanako?”

The voice that snuck up on me as I waged civil war on my lungs was one that I could come to know quite well recently. One that either preceded a thought-provoking conversation or complete and utter misery, depending on whose turn it was to coach.

“Touka?” As I looked up at her, I wondered if I had died and god had sent his most beautiful angel to escort me to heaven.

“Are you out on a run too? Looks like you’ve been working hard,” she said, looking up and down at my sweat-drenched body.

“Y-yeah… really…pushing my limits…” I said, hiding my face. God, this was shameful.

“Pfft. Only because your ‘limits’ are set so low that the walk up the stairs at home already pushes them,” added a certain annoyance, rolling her eyes dramatically.

“At home… oh! You must be the sister I’ve heard about!” said Touka. It was as if she didn’t actually register that I was being insulted and was just happy for someone new to talk to. Extroverts, man.

“Ah- yeah, I’m Mai. Nana’s told me quite the bit about you.”

For some reason, Mai suddenly seemed hesitant. It wasn’t nervousness or attraction, at least so far as I could tell. Mai had her own girlfriend that was already a total smoke show, she was thoroughly uninterested in anyone else.

I wanted to ask why she was suddenly being weird, but I had a feeling I’d find the answer insulting.

“It’s great to meet you! Nanako and I haven’t known each other for long, but we’re getting along well, so meeting her family is exciting.”

“You’re… getting along well? Why?” she asked, as if it wasn’t incredibly rude.

“Umm… I’m not sure what you mean?” Touka tilted her head quizzically.

“I just… why would… you… want to get along with… y’know… her.”

“Huh? Oh, well…” Touka seemed a little taken aback by the seemingly random line of questioning, but as ever, she seemed to answer earnestly. “Well… I like how passionately she talks about chess when she teaches me. Some teachers just drone on like they’re reading a textbook, but Nanako makes it more fun because I can see in her eyes how much she really loves chess. Plus she’s been very kind and patient with me while I learned.”

“Kind… and patient…” Mai repeated the words aloud, as if she had never heard them before. “She is kind and patient?”

“Y-yes?”

“…My sister, Tanki Nanako?”

“Umm… yes?”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…the one sitting right there?”

“Aaalright, Mai, I think I’m all rested and ready to go again,” I said, actively pushing my idiot sister away from Touka. “I’ll… uhh… see you at college, Touka.”

“Yep! See you there! And maybe we’ll see each other when we’re out running again too.”

“Doubt it, this girl wakes up at 2pm- ow!” I cut Mai off with a very subtle chop on the top of the head. I’m sure Touka didn’t notice…

“I’ll leave you two to your sibling bonding,” she said with a giggle. “See ya later, Nanako!”

“Ah- yeah- see… ya…”

By the time I finished saying it, she had already left me in the dust. She jogs faster than I sprint…

My thoughts were suddenly distracted by a theatrical weeping sound coming from the idiot girl in front of me.

“…what? What’s wrong with you?” I said to my obviously fake-crying sister.

“It’s just… so sad…” she said, dramatically wiping her eyes. “Such a pure and beautiful girl… my toxic plain-Jane of a sister could never have a chance…”

“We have the same face!”

“I wear it better.”

“I hate you so fucking much.”