Not my usual style

“Alright, how did you manage to fumble this already?”

Apparently Mai knew literally from the moment I asked her to play that I was gonna talk to her about Touka. I know siblings tend to know each other well but am I really that transparent?

“I didn’t fumble. I just… wanna know if you think I went about this the wrong way…”

I responded to Mai’s e4 with c6, the Caro-Kann defence. A much less aggressive opening than I would generally go for. I’m more of a Sicilian gal.

“You definitely did.”

“I haven’t even told you what I did yet!”

“I know, but you’ve got more concentrated autism than a train exhibition at comic-con. Anything involving communication is like kryptonite for you.” She moved her knight to c3.

“Only because ‘normal’ people hide everything they say behind subterfuge. It’s you neurotypicals that can’t communicate, not us.” I pushed my pawn to d5. If she traded pawns here, I’d win a centre pawn for a flank, a very solid defensive set up. Not my usual style.

“Well, whatever. What conversation did you fuck up? Did you ask her for boob pictures?” she asked, declining the trade and pushing her other centre pawn to d4.

“No? God, what do you think I am?” Pawn takes e4.

“A hopeless pervert.” Knight retakes on e4.

“Well I won’t deny that.” Knight f6.

“You really should.” Knight takes f6.

“It’s irrelevant anyway. I did not ask her for boob pictures.” While stewing with mild irritation that she had already managed to derail the conversation, I retook with my e7 pawn. It left the kingside pawn structure intact so short-castles would keep the king protected, but left my centre wide open. A very defensive move. Not one I would usually make. Why didn’t I just take with the g7 pawn and castle long? I was losing my edge.

“So then, what was it about?” Knight f3.

“She uh…” I paused, unsure whether the conversation was a violation of Touka’s privacy. After a moment, I decided to push on. If it was anyone other than Mai, I’d have probably stopped, but considering she was the only girl I knew who was gayer than me, I figured it’d be fine. Maybe. Probably. I tentatively played bishop d6 before continuing. “She… told me she had never been able to love a man before. So I… sort of… floated the idea that she was maybe… into girls instead.”

Mai reached her hand out to move a piece, but stopped the moment I finished speaking. She slowly looked up at me, locked eyes with me, then turned her attention back to the board and played bishop to c4.

“I see. How conveniently self-serving of you, my oh-so-transparent sister.”

“Hey, I didn’t say it just because I wanna sleep with her, okay?”

“Just?”

“Ack-” I froze up a little at that call out. I turned my eyes down to the chess board and played short-castles, but the problem with using chess as a distraction is that your opponent has to move too. And instead of even looking at my move, she was just affixing me with a piercing gaze. Eventually I just bit the bullet and got talking again. “...I won’t pretend that part of me wasn’t hopeful when I said it. I’m not a selfless person and I know that. But I really did want to help her. Too much of what she said sounded… eerily familiar. And I know what it’s like to go through those feelings alone. So…”

I trailed off, having little more to say. It’s true, I could hardly deny that I was incredibly attracted to her. I mean, who wouldn’t be? She was gorgeous, and in incredible physical condition. If she told me she wanted me, I’d fold like I was dealt a 7-2 offhand. But even if I didn’t want to rub my face on her abs like clothes on a washboard, I’d have extended the same hand. When you start to realise you’re not a good fit for heteronormative society, but you still don’t understand why, it’s overwhelming. Terrifying, even. If I can ease that burden for even one other person, I feel like I’ve done right by myself.

Mai scrutinised me for a moment, seemingly thinking over my words and examining my expression. I couldn’t blame her for not trusting me, it’d be a total lie to claim I was good at keeping my impulses under control. But I think she also knew this was something I took seriously.

After staring me down for god-knows-how-long, she wordlessly looked down at the board and pushed her pawn to d5.

“So. What did you tell her?”

“I prodded at how she was feeling,” I said, checking with rook to e8. “I floated a few words. ‘Different,’ ‘other,’ you know what I mean.”

“Of course I do. You helped me through the same feelings a few years back after all.” She blocked my check with bishop e3. “But what’s more important is what you said after that.”

I hesitated for a moment. I figured Mai would know exactly what I had said to her. We had more or less the same conversation before. But for some reason I felt like she was gonna react worse this time.

Without thinking too much about it, I took the pawn on d5.

“Exactly what I told you. That the feeling of alienation never really leaves, but it’s easier when someone’s there to help you through it. Offered her my ear, you know the drill.”

“I do. And it worked for me. But you’re missing a big detail here.” She took the pawn back with her queen. “You’re not her sister. You’re just a girl she’s known for a few weeks.”

“I don’t see what the issue is.” I retreated my bishop to e7 to protect my queen.

“Maybe you don’t, but I can tell that you feel it’s the wrong approach.”

“And how could you possibly know that?”

“Because if you weren’t on edge, you wouldn’t have made such an obvious blunder.” She took my f7 pawn with her queen, and I realised immediately that she was right. I beat Mai more often than I lost to her, so for me to be in such a terrible position by move 11… it was obvious that I wasn’t exactly thinking straight.

“...alright, I get it. It was probably a pretty negative thing to say to someone who I’m not all that close with yet. Made it sound like I was the only way for her to get through those feelings. But I didn’t mean to monopolise her support system like that. I just… wanted to help her out in a way no one ever helped me.”

I laid down my king.

“...I know.” Mai began resetting the board. “As much as you are, undoubtedly, a complete womaniser, I can tell this is something you take seriously.”

“Then… why press me on it?”

“I trust you, but I wanted to make sure you trust yourself. Force you to put it into words. Now that you’ve said it out loud, I know you’ll go about this the right way. You know you’re playing with fire, and I think you’re smart enough to avoid getting anyone burned. I just wanted to make sure you knew to be careful in the first place. So, now that you know the stakes of the game,” she said, turning the board around so I was now on the white pieces, “what’s your first move?”