The way you love me

"So...it's over then?"

Kei's question made him bite his tongue to hold back tears. It was over. The hideout was illuminated by the ceiling fan that buzzed above them. A small group of people gathered around Masao and Ren. Hideo, Kaho, and Kei listened to their story, a retelling of Yoli's capture. Humiliated by his repeated failures to follow through with his world, Masao struggled to articulate his thoughts.

"I'll make us something to eat. Would that help?" Kaho offered. It was noon, the perfect time for lunch. Masao struggled to hold himself together, giving her a small nod. Embarrassing.

He was on the verge of crying in front of his friends. He never used to cry this much. It was only recently that his emotions started to get the better of him. It must've been Yoli's fault.

Everything was her fault. His improved health, happiness, increased energy, and, yes, even his outward display of what he felt internally. When they first met, he didn't think she could change him. A simple girl having such a strong effect on a guy like him? Impossible.

Kaho started cooking something in the kitchen. It was an infectious smell that made his stomach growl. Hideo, suffering from a hangover, disappeared into his bedroom. Only Kei remained by his side.

The boy was the same age as Yoli. An adult, sure, but not quite old enough to escape being called "kid" by his friends. It was a weird dynamic, considering they were all relatively close in age. The circumstances of his joining the gang and his personality made the others view him as a kid, not a man.

Masao took out a pack of cigarettes, but before lighting one, he stopped himself. His body desperately needed it—the release, the soothing repetition of motions. But he put it away. If Yoli were there, she'd congratulate him for making the right choice. Maybe she'd even call him a good boy. He laughed to himself at the thought.

"There's something I should tell you. It might make you feel better." Kei smiled.

"Go on."

"I've been in a similar situation. I also lost the girl I loved."

Masao scowled, observing his worried expression. Kei was acting more fidgety than usual.

"I met her when I was 14. She lived close to me, and in the summer she would sit on her porch and sing," he started. Masao was surprised he'd never heard this story before. He'd known Kei for four years and watched him grow from a kid into an adult. The cheerful young boy had managed to keep a secret for all that time.

"Her singing was amazing. I didn't go outside very often, as you know, but when I met her, I started hanging out with her every day. Her name was Ally. She was abandoned as a baby. A creepy guy raised her, but I didn't know much about him."

It reminded Masao of himself, who'd been taken in by Storm as a kid. He knew how hard it could be to live with someone you barely knew, but being adopted from birth was a completely different story.

"She was so pretty, and smart, kind...the coolest girl I've met. She knew how to skate, too, so we did that together. She was nicer to me than my mom, and she made me feel really good about myself. I asked her out, and she said yes. She didn't even care that I was fat, and it made me so happy," he sniffled. "We were together for a few months. She suffered from depression for her whole life, so when her dad got sick, it made her problems even worse."

"That's rough," Masao said. Kei's lip trembled, and he had to take a deep breath to continue.

"I visited her one day and found some papers she forgot to throw away. COT runs a medically assisted suicide program, and she signed up for it."

"That's messed up..." Masao wasn't even aware COT did such a thing. He tried to ignore most of their crazy policies, which helped his mental health somewhat but also stopped him from being completely informed.

"I begged her not to do it, but she wouldn't listen to me. She died that year...and it's all my fault. I could've done something to stop her, but I didn't. I just gave up!" He pounded his fists on his knees. "That's why I got depressed and started eating myself silly. If you hadn't saved me, I probably would've died just like my dad."

So that's why he was so excited about taking down COT.

"They killed her without asking a single question. No therapy, no questioning her sanity...she was just money to them. Another statistic. Another satisfied customer."

Kei's past made sense now. When Masao and Hideo took him in, he was in a sorry state. His father suffered from an eating disorder. A glutton who passed on his bad habits to his son, he died of a heart attack when Kei was only 13. Kei was raised by selfish parents who didn't care for his health, just let him do whatever he wanted. So when Ally died, he turned to what he knew best. Drown your sorrows in food. That was what he'd been taught.

He was a complete mess at first, and so out of shape he couldn't participate in their usual crime sprees. Over time, they straightened him out, and the present-day Kei was much happier and healthier. Masao worried about him sometimes. Worried that something might trigger him again and send him back into a bingeing spiral. The boy always put on a smiling face, so it was hard to tell.

"Sorry, I guess I'm complaining a lot," Kei laughed. "I just wanted to say, you can't control what happens to other people, but you can control how you react."

He was smiling before he knew it. Kei always managed to find the positive spin on things. He admired his hopefulness.

"Alright, I've got some advice for you too," Masao grunted. "Don't worry about being something you're not. You're never gonna be a leader like me because we're different people. Ya don't need to be a stone cold murderer to fight COT."

Kei blushed, smiling with embarrassment. "I just wish Hideo would've taken over the gang instead."

"Yeah, well, that guy's an idiot. He'd have everyone too drunk to hold a gun properly," Masao chuckled.

"That's true."

...

Masao dialed Hajime's number as soon as he'd finished eating. After listening to Kei's story, he wasn't about to let himself slip into despair. He had connections, yes. Connections to people inside. People who could help him get Yoli back.

They strolled the streets, talking both about Yoli and other mindless topics. Hajime made it clear that he couldn't help Masao. He wouldn't risk his job to help someone who owed him for one too many favors.

"I'm doing it on my own then...that makes me wanna give up," Masao mumbled. Hajime laughed in response, running his fingers through his hair.

"Your girl will appreciate it," he replied. "Mine's just a pain..."

"Hm? You have a girlfriend?"

"Sorta. She kinda forced me into it," he said.

"Do you mind telling me more about your gang? I'm curious how you guys came to be," Hajime asked randomly.

His first thought was that Hajime might stab him in the back if he gave away too much, but talking with the older man put him at ease, and he didn't want to keep doubting him. Hajime had done enough to prove himself trustworthy. He was the one who drove the SPS vehicle into the oncoming officers, allowing him and Yoli to escape the city. Jumping out of the car just in time, he'd managed to escape with only a few bruises.

"Hideo and I started JumpAHead when we were teenagers. I was virtually alone here and wanted to make some friends. Meeting him was convenient."

"Hm..."

"Ya know, I've been gone for a long time. It was weird to hang out with the gang again. I changed more than they did, and I don't know how to fit in." He kicked some rocks out of his way. "I left him behind, and when I look at him, I see the consequences of that."

Hajime nodded, listening politely.

"I want to believe we're still just as close as we used to be, but when we're together, there's this distance that makes me uncomfortable. Am I the one changing, or is it him?"

When he thought of Hideo, his worries about Yoli vanished. He could find himself so wrapped up in thoughts of his friend that he became blind to others. It had always been that way. When he was 15, he decided there was nobody he'd rather be with. In a world where he lost everything, Hideo was the only person he could never lose. As permanent as the scars on his skin, their bond could never be broken.

"I shouldn't have left him behind. Everything would still be the same if I hadn't gone and crippled myself."

"Hah, you're a funny guy," Hajime replied. "I'd never stress over something that happened so long ago."

"Yeah, that's the difference between you and me," he grumbled. Though Hajime didn't give much thought to his life or the people in it, Masao was starting to admire him. Like an older, cooler mentor he'd been searching for.

"Oh, I've been meaning to tell you, I think someone in COT is trying to protect you."

"H-huh?"

"Think about it. The doctors who operated on you could've killed you easily, but they didn't. COT has gathered so much information on you over the past few months, but somehow it all went missing or was misplaced. That many coincidences definitely imply that someone's got your back."

"And it's not you?"

"No way. I'd never," Hajime teased.

No way. He couldn't believe it. What would make someone do all that for him? He didn't know anyone who could pull off something like that. Did he have secret admirers all over the city? People who still adored him long after his glory days?

That would never happen. Calm down, ego!

"Don't lose your mind over this. It's not worth it."

"Thanks, man. You've done so much for me lately, I don't know how to thank you."

They made their way back to the hideout. He'd come up with a few ideas to get Yoli back, but he wasn't confident in any of them. Hajime's support reassured him. It had been a long time since he'd gotten advice from someone older than him. In his loneliness, he'd started to believe he didn't need it—the help and support of others.

Hm? What's going on?

They got closer to the hideout. Kei was standing outside. He scanned the area while biting his fingernails. After noticing Masao, he ran to them. "Hideo! Hideo- he- he collapsed!"

"What?!" Masao grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing the frightened boy to speak clearly. "Where is he now?"

"Kaho just took him to the hospital...he looked terrible!"

No. No, it was nothing. Hideo was fine, he told himself. He was just tired and passed out from exhaustion. Perhaps stress was the culprit, brought on by the drama surrounding Yoli. He pushed Kei back and ran. Ran towards the hospital. Hajime yelled for him to come back, but he refused to stop.

Hideo was fine. He'd be okay, and they would return home together. It wasn't unusual for him to pass out, either. He used to fall asleep on Masao all the time. Drink too much and become dead to the world. Nothing was unusual about that.

The hospital was a few minutes' walk away. He sprinted, heart palpitating under the sudden stress. His head throbbed. Every muscle was sore and begging for rest. Not yet. He couldn't stop yet. Without Yoli, the simple movements a regular person took for granted were a struggle. The shock from hours earlier wore off, leaving him nothing but fear to run on.

He forced it. Forced every bone to carry him forward. Hideo needed him.

The hospital was eerily quiet. He rested against the glass door, gripping the handle to keep himself on his feet. A stumble took him inside, where he wanted to fall to his knees and crawl his way to the front. Small sobs took him out of his misery.

Kaho was in the waiting room, eyes red, wet, and overflowing like a waterfall. "Where's Hideo?!" he demanded.

"...operating room." Her voice was barely a squeak.

Masao sat next to her, panting. "Kei told me he collapsed. Do you know why?"

She nodded, but couldn't respond. Even though his throat burned, and his heart might fail, he was glad he made it. He put his arm around her shoulders, and she fell into his hug, crying even louder. Whatever happened to Hideo while he was gone had really shaken her.

Thirty long minutes passed. They waited in the lobby that smelled of chemicals until two doctors entered. They walked confidently, and one had a large white bag over his shoulder. He tossed it on the ground in front of Masao's feet. It fell with a thud. Vomit rose in his throat.

"Hideo Kawano, #2395. Deceased." The doctor called the receptionist, who started typing with mechanical speed.

"What the hell is this about?! Where is he?" Masao shouted at them, wide eyes glaring down at the bag beneath his feet. He didn't want to look.

"Upper gastrointestinal bleeding. The patient didn't have a form of ID or payment, so they did not receive life-saving services. If you have any questions, please refer to our website. We are quite busy these days!" the doctor, a tall male, smiled. "We do not assist with the storage of bodies, burials, or cremations for patients who can't afford it. You may do as you wish with the remains."

The doctors left with cheerful smiles despite having just delivered the worst news imaginable. Fixing his eyes on the bag, he bent down and unzipped the top. His hands moved without his consent, shaking as he went. He froze. Blond hair.

He zipped it back up, glancing back at Kaho, curled up in the chair, head against her knees.

They killed him. They killed Hideo. They killed him right before he got to be a dad.

No more fooling himself. No more pretending it would be fine. The dead body of his best friend was stuffed in a bag and tossed around like trash.

Bodies weren't supposed to be that light. Especially not the body of a 22-year-old man. The doctor had thrown him like he weighed nothing, and the shape outlined in the body bag was small, shrunken in on itself in hiding. Did they harvest his organs and limbs? No way. The flesh and blood of a deteriorating criminal was worthless to them. Nobody would pay for that. Hideo was small. That was the only answer.

Alcohol forbade him from taking up too much room. Taking up space meant you had to be someone worth something. Hideo wasn't. All the meals skipped in favor of another drink were undoubtedly the cause of his size, but what about his death? A death caused by overindulgence. Was it done with joy or sorrow? Masao didn't know.

Kei's words echoed in his head. I could've done something to stop her, but I didn't. She died, and it's all my fault.

How many times had he turned a blind eye to Hideo's addiction? How many times had he encouraged him to have another drink? He'd seen all the signs but failed to bring them into the light. Sure, the doctors could've done something to save him. But the root was that the failure to act had killed his best friend. Not the doctors, not COT, not Wataru. If only someone had told Hideo to get help, this could've been avoided.

Hideo Kawano. Deceased.

Hideo Kawano. Deceased.

Hideo. Hideo.

Deceased.

His head spun. His heart couldn't take this for much longer. He needed to carry Hideo back, but he couldn't even find the strength to lift himself from the ground. Sick repulsion in his gut wanted to force tears from his eyes, but they were bone dry.

"Hideo?"

"Hideoooo? Come on, let's get something to eat. There's a new place in town I've been thinking of taking Yoli, but we should test it out first!"

"Let's go! COME ON!"

Kaho's weeping was deafening, but the noise only grew quieter for Masao. His vision blurred—his head hit the floor. Lights out.