Dunk or Die!

To be posterized was to get dunked on, usually in an emphatic and memorable manner.

For an example, Kristina posterized Kyon the PE teacher by swinging around on the rim to hip-check him in the face. The power of Kristina’s hip sent him flying across the count, tumbling into a makeshift scorer’s table that Petey Pete had been sitting at.

Teams weren’t just losing to Kristina and her brothers. They were getting smoked. The breaks between matches were sometimes longer than the games themselves.

As the third team of bachelors went up against the family, Christian sneered at Jules. “Looks like my team’s going to be the only one going to this party. We’ve got an real professional basketball player.”

Jules looked at who Christian was talking about. James was the lankiest guy Jules had ever seen. Had he seen him on TV before? James was grouped with Christian and his usual entourage of Zach, Parker, and Garrett.

He was prepared to assume all five of them were in it for the money. As for Jules's own team, who were in the middle of their own huddle that he was finally rejoining?

Tyrone pointed to Jules. “How good are you at basketball?”

“Um, I can dribble?

“That will have to do,” said Tyrone. “Craig’s got asthma and Warren’s saying he can’t play.”

Jules’s head whipped around on Warren. “But you’re the most fit guy here!”

“That doesn’t make me good at basketball,” Warren growled. If Craig and Warren were both out, that left Tyrone and….

Ryan pumped his fist. “I played on my high school’s varsity team. We placed second at state.” He was a bit smaller than everyone else; maybe he’d be more elusive?

Christian clapped his hands as the team they’d been watching was dogwalked off the court. Almost literally – Kristina’s brothers were flinging dog leashes at them. “Alright losers, get ready to meet your guests for this party!”

Jules groaned. “Tyrone, anything you can tell us about these guys?”

“The brothers both have a hard time staying light on their feet,” Tyrone recalled. “But Kristina’s enough to make up for that. Likes to talk. You have to power through it.”

That was something to chew on. But it also didn’t sit right with Jules. He liked to talk too.

----

For all the drubbings that had been doled out to the bachelor teams, the game with Christian’s team were a karmic overcorrection.

Christian’s boast of James being a professional basketball player looked to be true. It didn’t matter what Kristina or her brothers were trying. James was too good. For the winning point he didn’t even bother trying to drive to the basket. He took his shot the second he got the ball, sending it over Kristina and through the hoop.

That left Christian as a glorified front-runner, chest-bumping Parker as the three dominated the siblings.

Jules went to Tyrone’s side. “I think I have a plan.”

“Better make it quick. We’re up.”

“Let me handle Kristina. I’ll draw the heat, you and Ryan divide and conquer.”

Tyrone didn’t look sure. “She’ll eat you alive.”

Before Jules could reply, Petey Pete looked up from the scorers’ table. It looked like he’d been joined by that producer Jules had talked to at the hotel – Bruce. And by his side was that assistant of his with the pink hair. E… Elena?

“Alright,” exclaimed Petey Pete. “That leaves one last team. Tyrone, Ryan, Jules, you’re up!”

The three men took their positions on the floor, with Tyrone leaving Jules to face off against Kristina.

Kristina looked down at him and chuckled as she chucked him the ball. “You must have a death wish.”

“Maybe,” admitted Jules. “I think I know why you’re taking so much pleasure in beating us. You don’t want us here.”

Kristina seized up, blushing. That was all Jules needed, throwing the ball through Kristina’s legs to a Ryan sprinting behind her. Ryan then sent a layup that went up and in. 1-0.

Everyone then reset, Kristina starting with the ball next. “Don’t pretend like you know me.”

“Maybe we can fix that,” Jules teased.

Kristina decided the appropriate response was to charge him, knocking him to the ground and immediately dunking the ball. Jules’s body squeaked across the floor just right so the dunked ball slammed into his face. 1-1.

The ball perfectly imprinted on Jules’s face. Which he rubbed at as he got the ball back to start.

“So what’s your plan,” taunted Kristina. “Ball through my legs again?”

“Oh, never on the first date,” shot back Jules. “Besides… Tyrone!” Jules flung the ball past her to Tyrone, who caught the ball in mid-air and gently flicked the ball in past Bob’s block attempt. 2-1.

Back to Kristina leading off, and she was seeing too much red to care. All she remembered was driving to the basket and dunking again. What she did not realize is that she dunked the ball and Jules, who was briefly shaped like a ball before unfurling like an accordion. 2-2.

Game point. Jules was wobbling on his feet as he started dribbling.

Kristina looked pleased with herself. “Had enough?”

“I could never get enough of you. Which is more than I could say about some of these bachelors.” He kept dribbling, keeping an eye on the other two try to get free.

“You really expect me to believe you find me attractive?” she deadpanned.

Jules considered it and doubled down. “Would you like a demonstration?” He pursed his lips in a fake kiss.

There. Right as she blushed. He could see Ryan screaming around her, darting around him from behind – and he passed the ball around his back and let her do the rest while Greg crashed into him.

That left Bob on his own against the combined efforts of Tyrone and Ryan. He didn’t last long. 3-2, bachelors win.

Kristina looked furious with herself as Craig and Warren stormed the court in celebration. Jules wasn’t sure if his spine would ever be the same from being dunked like a ball, but he didn’t care. He won. And now he’d need to patch things up with Kristina. 

Somehow.

----

The other bachelors were quickly ushered off the court, presumably back to their waiting limos and the mansion.

The remaining ten were told to take a shower, change back into the clothes they’d come into, and await their transportation to the party.

Most of them went straight to the locker rooms, while Jules saw Ryan linger back to chat up Kristina. He considered trying to butt in, but thought Kristina might be a bit too hot under the collar to approach right now.

Instead, he saw Bruce and his assistant lingering around.

When Bruce saw Jules approach, he gave Jules the same smile he’d given at the hotel. “Hey hey hey!” He took Bruce’s hand and started shaking it emphatically. “So happy you’re here. Obviously it’ll take the editing team a while to put together the episodes, but you’ve been amazing for us.”

Jules flinched as his hand was taken in every direction and back. “You’re welcome.”

“Now obviously,” Bruce continued, “you’re doing very well. You got invited to this party, maybe you’ll continue to spin us some absolute gold.”

“Yeah, about that, why didn’t you tell me the whole ‘half the people are fakes’ thing when you sold me on this?” Jules frowned. “Isn’t it important to tell people the core conceit of the show?”

“An oversight,” apologized Bruce. “I was busy making sure everything else was ready for the show to go on.”

Jules grit his teeth. Derek and Sean’s crash course in dating shows hadn’t prepared him for this kind of twist. Even in the weird edge cases they’d gone over the twist was about the main character lying about being a millionaire!

Bruce pat Jules on the shoulder. “Go on. You’ve got a party to attend.”

----

Jules made his way back to the locker room. There’d be time enough to think of his next move in the shower.

He shucked off his makeshift basketball uniform and put a towel around his waist for modesty’s sake. As he went towards the shower, he was hit with a wall of steam. Jules could hear someone humming to themselves. Someone was still in here.

Whatever. Jules went into there, draped his towel over the length of a shower head, and turned on a hot shower.

He could hear the humming get louder as he rubbed his face clean. That sounded like Ryan.

Jules turned around and started wiping the water away from his eyes. “Hey Ryan, you know where I can find some…. Soap…”

His question died off as he finally saw Ryan standing there in the steam. It was thick enough that he couldn’t see anything.

But no amount of steam could hide the fact that Ryan had breasts.