Phyllis Inter-lewd: Volume One

As the tension built between Ishara and Rionriv, the alleyway grew quiet. And, as though the world began to close in on them—

"Meh, boring!" Phyllis exclaimed, and with a press of the remote, her viewing screen disappeared.

Leaning back into the uncomfortable plastic seat of the food court booth, she grumbled at the turn of events. For her, everything had been going according to plan, although she had wished certain events would have played out differently.

"I mean, can you blame me?!" She exclaimed to the aether. "Tahvin's life is labelled under the harem category! So where's the fuggin'? Why haven't there been any smooches yet? I want to see some 'T' and 'A'! Some Tahvin and Aesandoral action! Gimme backshots already!"

With a cross of her arms, the lich sighed and closed her eyes. Though she remained starved for entertainment and as thirsty as a sailor on the Broken Shard Sea, a lot had happened recently. There had been plenty of movement in the world that had progressed everything she'd long since predicted and desired.

"Yeah, but there hasn't been enough fuggin'!" Phyllis protested, standing from the chair and using her rifle cane to walk herself to the edge of the food court.

She stared out over the rest of the mall, including the recently reopened store directly across from her. With her newest secret shop, she'd be able to turn even more profit with Shatter once they retook the ancient facility. And with more items flowing into the rebellion, she'd soon have access to another one of her locations. But that would yet again depend on how useful her little ruby jujube was, as well as the other pieces on her playing board.

"Oh, Tahvin, how far you've come." She began to speak to the mall, her voice echoing out into the vast emptiness. "Don't act like this isn't what you want, simp! It's monologue time for everyone at home! So prepare yourselves!"

Clearing her throat, Phyllis tapped her cane, summoning a microphone that dangled from the air above her. She took hold, gently tapping at the receiver before whispering into it.

"Can you all hear me? GOOD!" She screamed, her booming voice reaching out to the corners of the mall. "Mwahahaha! It has been a hell of a ride, hasn't it, kiddos? Tahvin died and became Ishara. He signed a FABULOUS deal with me, super hot and lovable Phyllis, and then got a whole bunch of freebies! That's how generous I am. Aren't I generous?! Comment on how generous I am below! DO IT!"

Grabbing the hot pink cowboy hat from her head, she pointed towards the mall and the invisible crowd following along with her tirade.

"Actually, you know what! Why haven't you been liking every moment of my little jujube's story, huh? If you've gotten this far into the Oracle's tale and haven't liked a single fuggin' chapter, then you're a horrible person! What the fug is wrong with you? Honestly? I bet you don't even like puppies or kittens. You're probably one of those weirdos who has a 'personality' and likes to be 'unique' by owning something like a spider or a ferret."

Hoisting the stetson back and placing it over the pale pink hair atop her head, she sighed.

"But I could possibly forgive you! Just go back and comment on the first chapter. It's down at the bottom of the page. Look for that big 'ol stupid yellow button and the box above it. I want you to write 'Phyllis told me to do this.' Just put it in the first chapter. NOT THE AUTHOR'S NOTE. That chapter is dumb and story-breaking. I mean, what idiot breaks the fourth wall with that shit? Gah! Fuggin' rookie hour."

With a tap of her cane, she nodded into the aether and waved her hands.

"Go on! Go back and leave a comment. And then, I want you to like every single chapter up until this point. Don't worry, I'll wait for you! Here, look! I'll even put one of those little page breaky thingies to show the passage of time of me waiting. So do it! I'll fuggin' know! Don't make me wait long."

—ooo—

Phyllis waited patiently, giving the necessary time to her imaginary audience to go back and do as she commanded. Grabbing herself a scalding coffee from MacRonald's she slurped as she looked through the railings of her mall to the first floor.

"I wonder if I should make the separation between levels higher. It could be fun to push people to their dea—oh, you're back!"

Tossing the coffee off the ledge, she reached for her microphone and adjusted her robes. With a spin around, she released a cloud of pink sparkles and cleared her throat once more.

"So, did you do it?" She asked, narrowing her eyes as she stared into the aether. "I'll know if you did it. I can see you, Sandra. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I know. And you too, Chelsey...Emma. I know you're there, creeping like little creeps. And you, Riley, Bob...BRANDON! Where're my comments? Where're my little heart eye emojis?! All of you, if you didn't go back and like every moment of my little jujube's new life, I will find you and fill your bedsheets with sea monkeys! The ones from weiners! The O.G. magical goon juice! Mmmhmm!"

Beginning to walk, with her cane in one hand and the microphone in the other, Phyllis strolled her way towards the Dwindlefyre shop.

"But in all seriousness, hasn't this journey been a blast? The author's lame self-insert gets a new lease on life. He gets to form a harem-not-harem. There were ups and...mostly ups. And we all got a laugh that the potions didn't work as intended. Mwahahaha, CAPITALISM! Hilarious! Then our little guy got to see the world and the horrible conditions he made before killing a dragon and getting rich doing it."

With a pause in her step, she looked behind her. Focusing her attention on one point, as though an invisible camera followed her, she became serious.

"And I think we can all learn from that lesson. Dragons are bad. Yeet the dragons, right? And in this instance, dragons are the people with drastically more zeroes in their bank accounts than you. Roughly nine more zeroes. Flying lizards, fine. Billionaires, bad. Share the wealth, you greedy shits!"

She then glanced to the side at the open door that revealed an entire warehouse filled with gold coins and riches beyond compare. With a sly glance back at her invisible audience, Phyllis waved her hand and banished the door from sight.

"Ignore that!" She coughed, continuing her walk. "Anyways, where was I? Oh right! Eat the rich! Yes, I'd recommend a barbecue, but a spit roast does well too. But then, Phyllis—you're probably wondering—what do we do with all the BILLIONS of gold coins we've now looted off their disgusting hair-plugged—erm, I mean, scaley—bodies? Easy! Became a patron of this idiot!"

With that, Phyllis paused and released a loud cackle.

"MWAHAHAHA! I got you suckers! This isn't a chapter in Ishara's life! It's a fuggin ADVERTISEMENT!" She continued to cackle maniacally. "I so got you! I even got some of you to go back for likes and comments, and now more of you will subscribe to the Patreon of this SIC—as in Simpish Ignorant Creator—motherfugger! I mean, look at this idiot who chooses to release everything for free and doesn't provide any special perks for those who financially support him. He's practically asking for you to pay to keep him writing every day. What a fugging dumbass. He has no idea about market strategy or supply and demand."

Phyllis then turned towards the storefront that would lead her back to the Dwindlefyre shop where her paying customers waited. Holding open the door, she began to move forward, only pausing to look back for a moment.

"Anyway, I did what I was told to do. He said he'd give me more screen time in the next volume if I did this. Subscribe by going to the idiot's profile and clicking on that little 'P' under his stupid bio-blurb thingy. Or don't. I don't give a fug what you do. You're your own person. Eat the rich...umm, save your stupid planet—or don't—and, umm...GET THE FUG OUT OF MY MALL!"