Cactus

"Big Brother, why do you make me do these kinds of things?"

Ryouta was covered in cacti needles all around his body. His costume caught some of the needles, but the large chunk of them still got stuck on him. His little sister was pulling out the ones he couldn't reach with tweezers.

"I'm not happy with this situation either. Just get these needles off of me."

"Fine," the girl huffed, and she continued to pull out each needle. Every time she pulled one out, Ryouta yelped in pain. This was the only part of this event that she enjoyed.

"Why were there cactuses there in the first place?" Ryouta ranted, "I've never seen a cactus in real life. Why is the first time I see one is when I was trying to get down from a rooftop? Aren't cactuses supposed to be in the desert? Why is it here?"

"Maybe it's because you're dumb," the little girl said, pulling out another needle.

"You can't pin everything on my intelligence, you brat!"

"You just admitted that you are dumb."

"No, I did not! A genius wouldn't be able to stop gravity or move the cactuses with the power of their mind."

"Yes, they can. Haven't you seen them do that on TV?"

"Anime doesn't count!"

"Yes, it does count! Anime is based on real life. I'm sure if you tried hard enough, you could move the cacti somewhere else. Just think really, really hard." The little girl pressed her fingers into her temples as aggressively as she could.

"That isn't how anything works. Anime isn't real. Magical Girls aren't real. Psychic powers aren't real. You can't get your power from the bottom of your soul or anything like that. The world doesn't work like that."

"Maybe you are just dumb."

"No, I'm not!"

"If you aren't dumb, then how did you get stabbed by the cactus?"

"You see, I was trying to escape from some people so I threw a smoke bomb on the ground and I escaped to the roof. Then I couldn't figure out how to get back down. So, I had to eventually jump down. So, that's how I got here."

"That's dumb!"

"No, it's unfortunate. I couldn't see the cactuses. So, I just jumped. And there were cactuses there. How was I supposed to see them and know that they were there?"

"Use your flashlight. Duh."

"I don't exactly have a flashlight with me at all times."

"Your phone has a flashlight."

"Well, I didn't bring my phone."

"You brought a smoke bomb, but not your phone. You are dumb."

"I'm not dumb. I just didn't want anything distracting me when I was out there."

"Why did you go to the roof if you didn't have anything to see with?"

"I didn't want anyone seeing me. If I simply left through the front door, people will see me."

"How did you get on the roof?"

"We don't talk about that."

"What? I wanna know!"

"I don't know."

"How do you not know how you got on the roof?"

"I just don't remember. Cut me some slack."

"You are dumb."

"I'm not dumb!"

"Yes, you are."

Ryouta thought about his next answer for a second.

"You think that I'm dumb?"

"No, I know you are dumb! Dummy! Dum dum! Dumb!"

"Maybe I'm a genius and you just think that I'm dumb because you are dumb."

"No, dumb people can recognize other dumb people."

"When did we establish rules for dumb people?"

"You did that in the last dumb person meeting."

"I did not! There isn't such a thing as a dumb person meeting. Dumb people don't just go to each other's houses to talk about dumb things and the rules and regulations for dumb people. Wait, how do you know about what happened in the dumb person meeting if you aren't dumb yourself?"

"I had a spy."

"Why did you have a spy in the dumb person meeting? Why are you conspiring with dumb people?"

"My spy is a smart dumb person. He's just pretending to be dumb."

"What is he? An internet troll?"

"No, he isn't a troll. He's a person. How dumb are you?"

"An internet troll isn't an actual troll. It's someone who has fun by upsetting other people on the internet."

"That sounds like a troll."

"I just described a troll. That's why he sounds like a troll. Anyway, you have a fake dumb person invading dumb person meetings for what reason?"

"I wish to cure dumbness someday. So, I need a spy to tell me all of what they are doing nowadays."

"Okay, if you are trying to reverse dumbness, how is your research going for you?"

"It looks like cacti needles don't make people smarter."

"Am I your main test subject?!"

"Nooooo... It's someone else. I can't tell them that because it's important that they don't know that they are being tested on."

"That just makes me think that that person is me even more. Did you stab someone else with cactuses needles?"

"No, he fell on the cacti."

"That's just me!"

"No, he goes to a different family."

"You have different families? What are you a bastard?"

"No, I'm a perfect little sister who has to deal with her idiot brother."

"Idiot isn't a nice word. You should be a nicer person. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all!"

"Calling you an idiot is a mercy. I could say worse stuff and it'll still be correct."

"Is this your way of saying that you know curse words?"

"No, I don't know how to curse. I'm a perfect little sister."

"That doesn't mean that you are a perfect being. There are plenty of other factors to determine whether or not you are a perfect little sister!"

"No, there aren't other facts. I'm just perfect. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a very dumb person."

"Okay, you raised me from dumb to very dumb. I'm so scared."

"You have a low IQ, Big Brother."

"Okay, you don't have to be more creative with your insults, Sakura. Dumb is enough."

"Small brain."

"Do small brains even have a lower intelligence level?"

"Smooth brain."

"You are just making stuff up at this point."

"Dead brain."

"That's just a dead person!"

"Basketball brain."

"Just calling my brain something else doesn't make it clever."

"Niarb."

"What does reversing the word even do?!"

"You couldn't figure out those square holes and circular holes."

"Okay, you have gone a little too far here. Why don't you just talk about something more productive?"

"No."

"What do you mean no? We need to talk about something that helps society progress to a better future."

"Cheeseburger." Sakura pulled another needle out, but she made it more painful than usual.

"Ow! Sakura, I'm going to kill you."

"I bet you won't. My brain will simply dodge your attacks."

"Your brain isn't the thing that dodges attacks."

"Are you calling me dumb?"

"Probably."

"You are the dumb one, however. Therefore, you can't be right."

"What? Don't start pulling out big fancy words to try to pretend to be anything other than a small child fighting a near-adult."

"Therefore isn't a fancy word. It's just that your brain isn't developed enough to understand it."

"I know full well what therefore means. It's a word that follows the same function as the word 'so'. However, it has a more fancy connotation. Its more formal."

"The correct grammar is 'It's more formal'. Not Its. You are a dummy."

"How did you hear a quotation mark?! It's and its sound exactly the same!"

"Maybe to you. Your brain isn't big enough to handle the complexities of the English language."

"What are you talking about? We are speaking Japanese. We are Japanese people talking to each other in Japan. What does English have to do with any of this?"

"That joke only works in the translated version. I'm deeply sorry."

"What translation of our conversation exists? Are we being recorded for television or something? Is there a camera crew that's going to come out of the walls and reveal that they planted the cactuses at the place just so I can fall into it and we will have this conversation because of that cactus?"

"Probably."

"What do you mean probably?"

"It's the truth."

"What truth?"

"The whole and unfiltered truth."

"What?"

"This is the director's cut."

"Great. Now we are in a movie!"

"Probably." Sakura put down the tweezers. "Okay, Big Brother, I finished pulling out all of the needles and now I can sleep."

"Thank you, Sakura. Remember that I'll do the same to you."

"Call me dumb?"

"No, I mean the cactuses needles."

"That won't happen. I'm smart."

"No, you are not."

"I thought you said that you aren't going to call me dumb."

"I said that I didn't mean to say that I was going to call you dumb and that I meant to say that I'll pull the cactus needles out of you."

"Why do you want to pull out cactus needles from me?"

"No, I meant that I'll pull it out of you if you happened to fall into a cactus."

"Why would I fall into a cactus?"

"Shut up, and go to sleep."

"Okay." Sakura ran to her room, dove into her bed, and fell asleep.