Zeep Zerp

Asami darted through the hall. The meat of her palm pressed against the glossy ivory paint coating rounded cinderblock at the corner. Feet shifted sideways to bring her brown loafers to a screeching halt. Long dress swayed in front of a yellow locker with a steel label, number thirty-seven. The black dial with little white numbers glistened in the fluorescent overhead light. It was finicky, she stopped at the exact number, went around one time, and hit the next number near exactly without going past. Forty-two was the final number.

Today, she unlocked it on the first try. The metal latch shifted up and the door creaked open. Books filled the top shelf. A leather bomber jacket hung on a hook. A few winter hats, a ball cap, and a summer farmers hat with a shawl sat at the bottom. Asami grabbed the frumpy farmer’s hat. The locker slammed shut so loudly she surprised herself.

She was already out of breath as she turned the corner with the big floppy hat dangling from her hand. This would be perfect. It even had a little strap that Yuki could tie under her chin. Even at a college campus like this, who could complain about a farming hat in class, especially in the chill of the Hokkaido fall?

Chests slammed together into a human sandwich. A young man caught her shoulders. His hands were blue. His skin was blue. Long silver hair slid across his shoulders and down his back in metallic strands. Purple lips pursed slightly, ready to steal a kiss. A bright green gem glowed on his forehead. Ridged horns dominated his head, curling like those of a ram. His slender fingers slid across Asami’s arm. Instead of closing in for the kiss, he took a step backwards and bowed politely. Green gems embedded in blueish-purple skin shimmered around his eyes. They studded his earlobes like piercings.

“I’m sorry, you’re not the one I’m looking for. Please carry on. And thank you for not screaming. I seem to have forgotten to set my holographic disguise. Invest in bit-coin.”

He gave a flick of his wrist. The strange tone of his skin reverted to a soft olive-yellow. Metallic hair darkened to black tied back in a neat pony-tail. The gem on his forehead and around his eyes became barely visible, replaced by acne breakouts. He nodded nervously at Asami as she stood with her mouth hanging open.

“That’s right, you saw nothing. Thank you for your time and have a nice day. Would you like fries with that?”

“Bah wah -w-wha?”

“With the new Global Life freedom plan, you can circumvent aging and it grows in value as your child ages. Have a nice day. See you later. Bye-bye. Good bye. I must be leaving now. Thank you and very sorry.”

Clean white teeth shone from his wide grin as he pointed at her before walking off.

Asami didn’t have time to bother with that weirdo insurance salesperson. Her brain felt scrambled, like she’d just forgotten something important. What was she doing again? That’s right, Yuki needed a hat to cover up her horn! Aside from that, maybe she needed to figure out why her girlfriend was growing horns and what might be done to stop it. Who could she absolutely trust to help her friend without getting her taken away. The thought of Yuki being contained in a quarantine made Asami shudder. Such an outcome needed to be avoided at all costs.

Back in the restroom, two girls from the business school leaned in front of the jalousie window. One had long hair dyed blonde, spray-tanned skin, and long manicured nails in bright pink. Smoke rose from cigarettes pinched between their fingers, lipstick stains glistened visibly on the filters. An acrid odor of burning tar and chemicals spread from the source.

Yuki coughed audibly in the star. Asami recognized the cough as something of a diplomatic dramatic ploy to shame the smokers. But they ignored everyone and continued a conversation.

“Can you believe Inoue ditched me? I knew he was cheap, but I got ready for nothing. What a total piece of crap. I hope something bad happens to him.”

“He’s a loser. You deserve better.”

Asami stepped back because the stall beside her rumbled. The screw that fastened it to the floor threatened to come undone. Asami pressed a hand on the stall door and whispered, “You can’t go crazy! Not now! Now is not a good time!”

A slight growl rose from the stall. It diminished and broke into dramatic coughing again, “Someone is smoking in the rest room! It stinks in here. I can’t breathe!”

Ashes dropped in the sink as the two seniors glared at Asami, the girl with dyed hair spoke sharply, “Is your friend okay? She’s been in there since we got here making constipated noises. Maybe you should take her to the infirmary to get her head checked.”

The other girl laughed and blew a smoke ring.

The latch to the stall turned. Asami stepped back with the farm hat raised. When Yuki kicked open the door, Asami remained just out range of being hit in the face. A hat flung over the barrier to cover Yuki’s horn, hopefully before the other girls noticed.

“This is the woman’s restroom!” Yuki yelled, then coughed, “How dare you smoke here when designated smoking pavilions are established throughout the campus for your filthy habit! Smoking is forbidden in all campus restrooms,” Yuki pointed to the no smoking sign, “Are you going to continue engaging in rule violations, or do I have to take action?”

A cigarette went out against the windowsill.

Asami shut the stall door and made sure she took a big step back, her head lowered apologetically, “What my friend is saying is that, well, it’s that smoking in the restrooms is against the rules.”

Yuki slapped the counter while staring the offenders down, “Continuous violations of this policy may result in a suspension of campus privileges.”

Another cigarette went out against the countertop, “What’s with this weirdo, she was sitting in the stall the whole time pretending to have coughing fits and now she’s campus hall monitor. People like her get on my nerves. Let’s go, we don’t need to deal with this. But we’re not going to forget it either.”

“Yeah, we’re not going to forget this. You’re going to regret it if you keep causing trouble,” the other girl giggled, “Nice hat by the way.”

Yuki smiled, “Thanks!”

“She’s ready for the rice harvest.”

Asami and Yuki parted to let the smoking girls pass. The door slammed behind them. Yuki grabbed her hat and pulled it tightly. The growing horn pressed against the fabric. “Dangerous! But I couldn’t take it anymore. The signs couldn’t make the rules more clear, but they come in here and light cigarettes anyway! If it wasn’t for my appearance, I would have called the rule hotline.”

“Your concern for the rules is noted. And as much as I hate cigarette smoke, do you really think now is the time?”

“It’s always time for doing the right thing. Do I look pretty in this hat?” a slight blush bloomed across Yuki’s cheeks, “I’m wearing Asami’s summer gardening hat.”

“You look like a ninety-six-year-old farmer.”

“It’s your hat! Zeep zerp!”

“What?”

“I don’t know,” Yuki shrugged, “I just felt like saying Zeep Zerp. It has a certain ring to it. A certain jenesequa. Zeep zerp. Pardon me madame, but could you please pass the Zeep Zerp?”

“Are you sure you’ll be able to sit through another class? You’re acting unusually strange.”

“Well excuse me for being a little stressed! You’d think my girlfriend, who isn’t growing a horn by the way, would be a bit more supportive.”

A gentle hand rubbed Yuki’s shoulder, “I’m doing my best. I think we need to talk about what to do next. I don’t want anyone to hurt you, but you need help. There has to be someone we can trust,” Asami rubbed Yuki’s shoulder and notice that the cloth felt loose. She realized she was also looking down at her friend, who was the same height this morning, “Hmm?”

“What’s the matter?” Yuki asked with a cute head tilt.

“Ummm, I think you’re shrinking!”