Absence

Who was that? Who?

I grasp at my face and pull. It hurts.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it—

I let go. My skin still stings. I.

I was imagining it. It was late and I was tired and cold so it's—

Time to go home. I walk briskly, dodging people as I reach more populated streets. None of these people are in quite such a frantic state as I am, so it's easy to get around. A delivery man passes by and I try to look, but he's gone before I can look myself in the face.

What was that delivery man even doing out there? There was nothing. Nothing there to see. Nothing nothing nothing!

Home. Finally, I. What was I….?

I didn't imagine it.

Elyna isn't home yet after all. The house is dark as I enter, lights dimly buzzing to life as I hit the switch. It's cold inside from being left empty all day.

Shudder. My heart thumps. I was imagining it.

I leave my coat on and dash to the bathroom, slamming the door open. The knob makes a loud thud against the wall, adding another crack.

There, above the sink, staring back at me is—

A screaming mouth stretched impossibly tall, maw opened up and ready to swallow me. Eyes, melting from their dark orifices. I open my mouth to match its scream.

Wait.

Nothing. A blank, peeling, moldy wooden wall, with dark knots in three stretched out circles.

"Ha…" I gasp out a half-laugh, swallowing my stomach acid threatening to come up. Just the wall.

Just… the wall?

I touch my face again. Wasn't there a mirror here? Didn't I… look at myself in the face, just this morning?

Digging my hands through my hair, I wrack my memory. This morning I woke up, cooked the last of our rationed eggs for breakfast. Elyna and I talked gossip about our neighbor. She left early because she needed to tend to a furnace on the far side of town. I wasn't in a similar rush, so I waited for the usual fog to clear before heading to town to sell my herbs. I went into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and…

Nothing. I left for town. There was no mirror in our bathroom. Since when? Has there never been one? Or have I just never noticed?

When was the last time I saw my face?

I walk back into the main room of our house and sit down at the table, slumping over. My chest burns. Why don't I remember the last time I saw a mirror. They're mirrors! An everyday object I see every day. Every single day of my life I… thought I…

I wrack my brain. A few days ago, a delivery man made his weekly visit. Before that… Why, why can't I remember.

And then, today I saw—

Brown hair.

That's right. I pull a few strands of hair from my head and look. They glint in the warm light. Blond, definitely, I think with relief. Maybe a dirty blond, or… I squint. I can't tell. Was it always this color blond?

It's fine. I imagined it. I imagined it, I simply made it up. I was tired and I…

Standing back up after only a moment's rest, I go over to the dresser we share and open the drawer. Elyna must keep a mirror somewhere. Formal blouses and sturdy work shirts alike are parted before my hands. I dig, deeper and deeper into every piece of clothing we own.

Something shiny catches my eye. My fingers move so quick they cramp, and within a second I have my hand on it.

"Just a button…"

Dammit! I keep digging, before finally giving up and slamming the drawer shut. Next I turn to the bedside table, throwing its drawer open so fast the whole thing comes out. I search, still coming up with nothing.

"What are you doing?"

I shoot back up.

Elyna is behind me. She must've come home at some point.

With a furrowed brow, she looks around the whole room, seeing the mess I made. Clothes lay strewn about before her, the door of the bathroom cracked in a way it wasn't before. "Lose a lucky coin or something?"

For a moment, I open my mouth to ask her the obvious question, then slam it shut once again. I imagined it. That's right. I never met with a delivery man on the street to begin with. I just panicked and saw someone with brown hair and thought he was a delivery man.

"Elyna…"

She looks at me and smiles. "Yes?"

"…How was your day?"

Clapping her hands together, she gives a groan. "You won't believe it. Old Man Uvne called us in because his furnace wasn't working, and guess what! He hadn't cleaned it in so long there was built up ash the width of my arm. It's a wonder he didn't choke to death on it. Took us all day to clean it up."

As she tells me more about her day, I feel my panic pack itself in the cellar of my mind. Floorboards cover it up one by one as she helps me put the house back the way it was. We make dinner, the ache now suffocating beneath a layer of wood.

But there's one last thing I need to know. I can't stop myself from opening my mouth to ask:

"Do we… own a mirror?"

There's a moment's pause, and then she laughs. "Don't be silly. Why would we need one?"

The pain that's been in my head and chest come back, aching so hard I feel the need to grasp at both.

Why would we?