Chapter 15

                                                                Kaya

I was exhausted once we came back to the shuttle, and I had probably been too tired to fully appreciate the alien beauty of this world in the first place, but despite that, I’d enjoyed the walk. Gerda had adjusted her pace to mine, and she’d been fine when I needed to take a break, and she didn’t get annoyed when my need for rest increased even more on our way back. I really hoped she’d had a good time and managed to see everything she wanted to.

We cooled ourselves in the pond, and then I sat on the soft grass, my feet still submerged in the cold water, as she went to our shuttle to get a blanket. I knew she wanted to leave tonight, but maybe we could stay another night and leave tomorrow morning. Would those few hours really make that much of a difference? But I wasn’t sure if it was fair to ask her for it. I suspected she would say yes regardless of whether she really wanted it or not, so I stayed silent when she came back and put the blanket on the grass and lay down.

I sighed and moved over to her. It would be so nice to stay… I remembered pretending to be ill when I didn't want to go somewhere as a kid, but once I got older, I realised my family turned it against me and used it as an excuse to not take me with them anywhere due to my sickly condition. I knew Gerda wouldn’t do that to me, but somehow I couldn’t let go of the fear that it would happen anyway. Anyway, lying to her wouldn’t be fair. We were friends, and friends didn’t do such things to each other.

“You look tired. Was this too much?”, she asked, and I suddenly became aware of her gaze resting on me.

"I-I liked it.”

I smiled and put my hands on her back, running my fingers towards her neck. She sighed and looked at me for a few moments before lying down and letting me play with her hair.

                                                                    Gerda

As her fingers brushed through my hair, I let myself dream. Not that I wanted to, I knew how pointless it was, but I rather accepted it as a side effect of letting Kaya do what she did.

What if…. What if I stayed in the same world as she did? I didn't really care where I ended up. Sure, she would have her mum, so she wouldn’t really need me, but… Maybe…. Maybe we could meet from time to time. Maybe we could even go on another trip like this. She seemed to like it. It would be nice…

But it was pointless to think that way. If she found her mum, she wouldn’t need me, and anyway, she probably never would meet her, and so she would go back to that shit hole, and I wouldn’t dare to follow her after stealing her family’s yacht.

Dreams like these only lead to disappointment, I’d learnt it a long time ago. Despite all the wishes I’d had as a kid, the Bitch never miraculously stopped being so fucked up, so thinking that things would be different from what they were was pointless.

I shrugged my shoulders and sat up.

"W-what happened?”, she asked.

I blinked, realising what I’d done. Fuck. I’d promised myself I would make sure she would have an amazing time here, and now I had… She deserved better than this.

“I was falling asleep…”, I murmured.

“I... It’s okay."

I shook my head

“We need to leave soon…”

"I-if you want to rest, w-we could stay… It’s just a few hours…” she whispered, staring at the blanket.

I looked at her, surprised. Didn’t she want to go as quickly as she could to meet her mum? I wasn’t sure about her suggestion. Part of me wanted to stay, no matter how difficult it would make things later, but…

“Y-you should rest… It will be a long journey...", she murmured and put a hand on my shoulder.

“Sure..” I said without thinking.

Was this what she really wanted, or was I just an asshole that forced her to stay? I dared to glance at her and was met with her smile, and I sighed as her fingers dug into my hair. Maybe she really wanted to stay a bit longer…with me…

                                                                          Kaya

"Relax," I said with newfound confidence as I played with her hair.

I dared to say what I felt, and rather than being shouted at or ignored, as it used to be whenever I dared to speak my mind, she just agreed, and I was pretty sure she didn’t do it just for my sake. Did it really mean she liked to stay with me? It wasn’t enough time to be sure.

She suddenly moved away, and my hand was left hanging in the air as a pang of fear shot through my chest. Didn’t she like it? I’d been sure she did… I glanced at her, confused, and our eyes met for a moment before she looked away.

“You are more tired than I...", she murmured.

I sighed. It may be true, but still, it was nice what we did… It reminded me a bit of the dream I’d had about her… A bit, and part of me was curious about how it would unfold if she hadn’t stopped it. She seemed to have liked it so far, so maybe… But before those strange thoughts completely filled my mind, Gerda touched my arm and said quietly,

“Your turn…”

My heart skipped a beat, and, without thinking, I put my head on her lap, and soon after, I felt her fingers combing my long hair. It felt so good to be loved and accepted without any ‘but’ attached and without any hidden obligation I had no means to fulfil, even if I understood it in the first place…

Was it worth letting go of what I had in search of something that may not even exist in the first place? It felt so wrong to think like that. Wasn’t everyone supposed to want a happy family? I definitely did, and even if, back then, I hadn’t had any way for it to come true, I still remembered the dreams that someone out there actually wanted me just as I was.

Finding out I was adopted had rekindled those childish dreams, and for the first time, I had seen a shimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, they were true. But then, all these things with Gerda… Hadn’t they led me somewhere that, for the first time, I enjoyed? Somewhere that I liked because I did, not because I believed I should…