Chapter 17

                                                                      Kaya

I wished I had time to carefully analyse what had happened in these days since I met Gerda. That way, I could be sure what I actually felt and decide the best course of action, but I couldn’t. Back in my old life, I would probably have spent weeks carefully considering all my options, secretly hoping the chance would pass by so I didn’t have to make any major, uncomfortable decision that would upset someone.

But now... I just didn’t have that time, and for the first time, I realised that not making a decision was a decision in itself, and in this case, my action or inaction would change my future forever.

Not being able to escape such responsibility was a terrifying experience, and I felt my overloaded brain slowly shutting down now when I needed it the most. What if I chose wrong and regretted it afterwards? How did I know what the right choice was in the first place? What if…

“It’s okay, you are just tired. It will be fine...”

I blinked and turned to her. She was still sitting next to me on the sofa, and her voice brought me back from the abyss I was slowly falling into, offering the assurance I so desperately wanted to hear. I sighed. She was probably right. Even though my problems lay elsewhere, being tired definitely didn’t help solve them.

"Relax."

She smiled and put her hand on my ankle, and I sighed and stretched out, resting my legs on her lap as she began to massage my tired feet.

                                                                      Gerda

I really hoped she was just tired, but if it was something else, I guess I would need to look after her. I didn’t really mind it. I was good at it, and at least she would need me for something.

She looked just like in those first days we’d spent together. We’d sat behind the school building, with her head resting on my shoulder, and I’d listened to her mumbling her teary story. That day, I’d instinctively started to look for a solution.

It was just another side effect of living with the Bitch to think in those terms, but somehow one thing led to another, and a plan for our escape had emerged the same day we met. At first, I doubted she would actually go through with it, but when she showed up at our meeting place the next day, my hopes of escaping that shit hole were rekindled, and I was willing to do anything to make it happen.

So I started spending time with her, listening to her half-broken monologues and accepting her need to hold my hand and her clinginess when we sat quietly in the park, even though we were supposed to be making our plans. But despite all that and how weird it was, I neither minded it nor could I be angry with her for being that way.

Somehow, she became part of my world, even if the reasons were purely pragmatic at first. I had just accepted that, from now on, I needed to look after her. At least it was something that part of me looked forward to, and it was a nice change from what I had at home.

She seemed to have changed since we met. Even if I couldn’t really tell what it meant, it was more of a feeling than anything else, and I was sure my feelings about her had changed, too, as our journey progressed. From someone who offered me a chance for a future I’d always wished for but never dared to dream would actually happen, to someone who filled my days in a way I looked forward to, to someone who…

Yeah, even I had finally figured out what all those strange feelings meant. Not that I had any clue about what to do with them, but still… I couldn’t really deny them any longer, pretending they were caused by atmospheric composition or gravity. Why her, of all the people? Not that I minded it, but still… Somehow, she was the easiest and, at the same time, the most confusing person to be around.

But more importantly, what should I do about it? My first instinct had been to ignore it altogether, pretending it hadn’t happened and hoping it would somehow pass without messing up too much in my life. So far, that attitude had served me well, but deep inside, I knew that the tools I used to deal with the Bitch probably weren't the best for this situation.

So what then…? I watched her relaxed face and half-closed eyes in search of any answers, but there were none. At least she looked happy again and seemed to enjoy it.

                                                                    Kaya

I didn’t know if her touch made me relaxed or stirred something in me. Maybe both. At least it worked well for taking my mind off my worries, even if it took me to a place with its own complications, but I decided to ignore them for now and enjoy what I had.

It was rare for me to be able to let go of my worries, but I assumed that if she enjoyed it as much as I did, there was nothing to worry about, and nothing in her indicated it would be otherwise.

Maybe I was just overcomplicating everything, as I always did. If only I dared to act on what I really felt, everything would be so easy. But doing so after all this time, when I’d been told I was wrong to the point that I almost started to believe it, it was easier said than done. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself it was okay, I couldn’t fully let go of the doubts that by now had become an integral part of who I was.

If only I were like her. She didn’t seem to have such hesitations and always did what she wanted without thinking too much about it. Maybe I should just let her take the lead and make all the important decisions? Just like she had done when we stole my family’s ship. It was tempting to go back to my old, familiar passivity, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair. Whatever we were, we needed to be equal, and I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone ever again, especially not to her.

But that meant I would need to gather all my courage and try to be just like she was… Could I really be that brave and confident? What if I failed? But did I have any other choice than to try? Somewhere I knew that if I didn't dare to try, I would regret it for the rest of my life…