Chapter 18

                                                                  Gerda

“Gerda…”, she whispered, and I looked up. “What…what if I don't want to go?"

I looked at her, puzzled.

“Go where?”

She pulled back her legs and moved closer, resting her head on my shoulder.

"To find my mum…", she continued quietly.

I sighed. Part of me had already expected this to come. She wasn’t stupid, and in a way, I was relieved she’d brought it up now rather than go with her original idea and get disappointed when things didn’t turn out as she’d hoped.

But still… What was I supposed to reply? Didn’t she already have an answer? She must have if she’d thought about it enough to come to that conclusion. Which meant… What other choice did she have but to go back…?

I froze. Was this…? Was this goodbye? I tried to take a deep breath. It would be okay… Things didn’t always sort out in the end. It would be okay, I told myself as I braced myself for what would come.

“Sure…”, I replied, trying to distract my mind from the logistics of her decision. “I could get you a ticket back."

She shivered and wrapped her arms around me as a quiet sob escaped her mouth. I took a deep breath and put my hand on her back.

“It’s okay..."

"I-I…"

She tried to say something through her sobs, but her words were drowned in her tears. I put my arms around her and pulled her in, letting her rest her head on my chest.

“It’s okay…”

“I-I want to go with you…”

                                                                      Kaya

I didn’t know how I finally managed to say what I wanted, but the moment I did, my mind froze as I realised what I had done. She stiffened for a moment and then released her grip and looked at me. She had tears in her eyes.

"Why…?"

My mind went blank, but even if I could have talked, how could I explain something I didn’t fully understand? But maybe I didn’t need to. I pulled her in and held her tight, and she sobbed quietly in my arms, bringing tears to my eyes.

We stayed like that until the world around us went still and quiet, and only then did I dare to loosen my hold. For a moment, a pang of fear shot through my chest at the sudden thought that maybe we’d misunderstood each other, but her soft eyes reassured me that everything was okay, and I snuggled against her once again.

                                                                       Gerda

I didn’t remember the last time I’d cried. It was pointless and only showed that someone had managed to hurt you just as they’d intended to do. But this somehow felt different, and even if I wanted to, I probably couldn’t have stopped it. But I didn’t, at least for now. Maybe… Maybe it was okay to be like this now that I knew I would not be alone. Somehow…somehow that felt good.

She held me in her arms, and I felt her hand stroking my back. It felt safe, and I buried my face in her neck, accepting the comfort it brought, and allowed myself to relax and let go of the tension I had held for so long.

Only when dusk filled the cabin and long shadows danced on the walls did I dare to let go of her and look at her with a smile.

“Thank you."

That was all I managed to say, trying to put everything I felt into that simple word, but when our eyes met, I felt she understood what I meant as she snuggled up against me.

During the preparations for this journey, I’d never planned for this situation, but maybe it was fine? Maybe sometimes life didn’t suck at all, so I had nothing to worry about? Maybe it was okay to stay like this with her by my side and find a place we could call home…

I allowed myself to play with the thought, even if I knew there was still a long journey ahead of us and we didn’t know what we would find at the end, but maybe that, too, was fine. I wasn’t fully sure, but at least I was willing to try…

                                                                   Kaya

I watched her get up and close the door of our shuttle as a soft, gentle feeling bloomed in my chest, taking the place of the worry and anxiety that had been my companions for so long that I had taken them as an integral part of who I was. I was surprised when they were suddenly gone, making me wonder who I really was now.

But I enjoyed this newfound freedom where I didn’t scrutinise my thoughts to ensure that whatever I did wouldn't upset anyone around me. I still didn't know how far I would dare to take it, but for now, I didn't want to worry about it. At least not tonight…

I smiled as Gerda joined me back on the sofa, and I leaned into her, feeling her warm body so close to mine, and the soft, gentle feeling in my body slowly transformed into something else as I dared to rest my hand on her chest.