When am I Dreaming?

It was two days before my fourth birthday when the shadows came to life. I couldn’t sleep, and the star-shaped nightlight Dad had placed in my room kept flickering on and off, as if flies or moths were flying all around it.

But it was just me, hands resting easily on top of my purple comforter that Mom had bought me when I said I wanted it as an early birthday present.

It was soft and came with a matching pillowcase, sheets, and a plastic case that Mom tucked away somewhere. She told me I didn’t need it, and I agreed.

Why would anyone want a plastic case that used to hold bed stuff? I was so excited to curl up underneath the comforter, but my eyes refused to stay closed, and the nightlight wouldn’t stop flickering.

I wasn’t afraid of the dark. But since I was looking at the ceiling, I didn’t notice the shadow until it was right next to me. It looked like a bunny with long, floppy ears, a twitching nose, and a tail that looked more like a paintbrush than cotton.

It crept to my side and snuggled into my neck. The shadow didn’t feel like a bunny, though. It was damp and smooth, almost cold, yet I hugged it close anyway.

I always wanted a pet, but we weren’t allowed to have any—not even a goldfish. The rabbit stayed in my arms for a long time before squirming to get down and hopped to the window.

It looked at it and then turned to me. I knew it wanted to go outside. I got out of bed and opened the window, fully expecting it to hop away and disappear into the night.

But it only hopped onto the sill and looked at me again. “Are you coming with me?”

I wanted to, but I wasn’t allowed outside at night, especially without my parents or brother knowing. But the rabbit insisted. “I’ll be with you, Rei. You don’t have to be scared. No one will know. And I have something to show you. It’s your birthday soon, isn’t it? Come with me and get a very special present!”

It was then that I realized I must be dreaming. Shadows can’t turn into rabbits or talk. So it must be a dream, but if that were the case, then I could follow the rabbit and get that present.

Nothing can hurt you in a dream. Dad taught me the pinching trick a week ago, but I haven’t used it yet. I didn’t want to wake up, so I crawled out the window, with the rabbit a step away as I landed on the grass.

I waited to see if my dream parents would notice and tell me to go back to bed, but the rabbit didn’t want to wait. It was already hopping into the woods that looked like the woods in my backyard, except the trees were somehow bigger and more packed together.

There was supposed to be a fence between the trees and the yard, so I wouldn’t be able to get lost. But it didn’t exist in the dream. The rabbit poked its head out. “Come on, Rei. Don’t be scared.”

I wasn’t scared. I’d just never had a dream as bizarre as this. I quickly followed, expecting the trunks to become a wall, but they didn’t. There were gaps just big enough for me to squeeze through.

The rabbit hopped from tree to tree, occasionally looking back at me to make sure I didn’t get lost. It never occurred to me to turn around.

I wanted to know where the rabbit was taking me. Moonlight made the leaves turn silver, while the ground around me became a nest of shadows, thick enough to house snakes, yet nothing bit me as I hurried along. It felt like something would touch me at any moment, yet I still wasn’t scared, and the rabbit kept going.

I didn’t get tired or discouraged. The rabbit paused, perfectly silhouetted between two trees, as it waited for me to catch up. It smiled at me. “You did a great job, Rei. Now it’s time for your present. Look ahead. Do you see the cave?”

The question made me shake my head, and the rabbit chuckled. “Do you still think you’re in the woods, Rei? That’s silly. You need to stand next to me and look again.”

I wasn’t sure if I liked being called silly by a talking shadow rabbit, but I did as I was told, and as soon as I was next to the rabbit, the trees vanished, and a cave yawned open before me.

The rabbit chuckled again. “You see? That’s where we need to go next. You can do this, Rei.”

I wasn’t sure I could. The cave was dark, and I didn’t have anything to light the way. I didn’t want to walk around in the dark. I tripped enough in the daytime, but the rabbit was already hopping forward.

“Come on, Rei. Just think of the present!”

I did want to see the present. Chasing the rabbit and being outside were fun, but if this wasn’t a dream, I was going to be in big trouble.

And I don’t like being in trouble. The rabbit entered the cave and didn’t look back. I waited, certain that it would return after realizing that I wasn’t following, but it didn’t come back. A gust of wind that was cold and pushy blew hard against my back.

It wanted me to go into the cave too, and I was sure the air inside would be nice and warm. I didn’t want to be alone, and the wind was starting to hurt.

Rocks and tiny pebbles started pelting me, urging me forward until I couldn’t stand it, and I went inside. The darkness swallowed me instantly. I would’ve cried if I weren’t dreaming.

But since I was. I decided that I was brave, and the pebbles didn’t hurt, and the rabbit wasn’t mean for leading me here and then not waiting for me just because I didn’t follow it right away.

The rabbit wouldn’t have gone far. I was certain of that, but it didn’t reappear as I started walking forward. Each step felt like I was walking on marshmallows, and the air inside the cave was warm.

But not in a nice way. It felt damp like the rabbit’s body. I kept hoping to hear it or feel its tiny body against my feet. But it didn’t call or come back for me.

I walked, uncertain of whether I was going in a straight line or how long I’d been walking. Time meant nothing in dreams, but it felt like hours had passed since I entered the cave.

My eyes felt heavy. I rubbed them, but that did little to keep me from stopping. I almost missed the moment I could start seeing things again. The light didn’t come from a nightlight or from glowy moss that my brother liked to read about.

And it didn’t come bit by bit, like how the sun slowly rises in the sky. It happened like a lightning bolt or someone flipping a switch. My eyes blinked, but I wasn’t bothered by the change.

It was just another example of dream logic. I looked for the rabbit, but it was nowhere in sight. The cave stretched out before me like a giant soup bowl.

But it wasn’t filled with soup. It was a tree with tiny buds and shiny leaves growing everywhere. The branches were long and curvy, just perfect for a tire swing or maybe a treehouse or a secret fort.

I laughed and ran forward, eager to climb it, certain that this tree was my present, and the rabbit would come out and say so. But the tree had other ideas.

Its roots rose up like snakes, gently wrapping around me and tugging me close as if hugging me. “Rei.”

I nodded. I couldn’t really move beyond that. The voice wasn’t a man’s or a woman’s, but it was warm and came from the tree. The bark was rough against my skin.

It scratched me hard enough to bleed, but I didn’t feel any pain. I felt drowsy. My blood sank into the roots, turning them red and making some of the buds bloom into the prettiest flowers I’d ever seen.

They were bright blue, purple, pink, and yellow, and they shone amongst the leaves. And the more my blood dripped, the more blooms opened. I couldn’t help smiling.

I wanted to see more, and the tree laughed. “Rei, would you like to see me completely covered in flowers?”

The roots around my arms tightened slightly as I nodded. “Would you like to be covered in flowers too, Rei?”

I nodded again. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more. Nothing else sounded half as nice. The tree was happy. I was happy. The rabbit was gone, but that was all right.

It led me to the tree, after all. “Then, I need to tuck you in, Rei. Don’t be frightened. It won’t hurt.”

I knew it wouldn’t. I didn’t know what the tree was going to do, but I wasn’t scared. The roots beneath my feet shifted, spreading until a hole formed big enough for me to fit in.

The roots around me carefully lowered me inside. I wrapped my arms around my legs and closed my eyes as the roots quickly moved back in place.

I was inside the tree with tiny scratches, feeding it as it held me. The rabbit’s voice reached me just before sleep came. “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Rei. Oh, happiest birthday to you!”

The tree laughed, and I was content. We were content...until we were disturbed. The air became sharp, and I heard something else. Something new.

Something that didn’t belong and was making the tree cry. I didn’t like it. It was loud, and the roots around me trembled as they were pulled away from me.

Hands reached in to take me away. And it was then that I recognized the sound. It was voices. Human voices saying strange words I didn’t know, yet understood.

They didn’t want me to stay in the tree. They didn’t want the buds to open. I was still bleeding, but it wasn’t enough. There was too much of it inside of me, and not enough inside the tree.

It wasn’t fair. We didn’t do anything wrong. We belonged together. The soil felt good, and the roots only wanted to hold me close. I didn’t want to leave.

The tree tried to keep the hands away from me, but they were everywhere, and I felt arms around me, pulling me away from the bark I wanted to cling to without a care in the world.

I would’ve screamed if I could. The tree was crying. I could hear it, and that made me so sad I cried, too. But the arms, hands, and voices didn’t care that I was crying.

They didn’t care that they were hurting me. Us. The tree. Our pain meant nothing to them. I kept reaching for the tree, desperate to hold on and go back, but the arms carried me away, back to a room with a flickering nightlight and a purple bed.

Back to a place that didn’t feel real anymore. It didn’t feel right anymore. Arms pinned me down, and the voices were saying something else, something that might have been a song if it didn’t make my ears hurt.

The scratches healed, making me itchy. I waited for the rabbit to come and save me. But it didn’t. Nothing saved me. The arms, hands, and voices tucked me into bed and left me to die… Except I didn’t.

I woke up in a room without shadows and a barred window.