Shooting Stars

Was it ever so wrong to want to be something great? To strive to be something that people all over the world praised?

That was something I’ve wondered all my life, and I would’ve never thought I’d answered ‘yes’ to that question. After all, surely it was a desire that everyone in the world had, and if it was such a bad thing, the world would be a lot worse off. So what was the problem then? Well if it wasn’t the desire itself, then the problem was the people who had them. People like me. People who were born without a single ounce of talent, and people whose only remarkable trait was not knowing when to give up and—..people who push their best friends into endlessly dark holes because they couldn’t control their emotions during an argument.

Yes. If only the world had less people like me who had that desire, the world would be a better place.

But sometimes I wondered if we could ever fault those ‘people like me’. Because was it really their fault that they were born with no talent? Was it their fault that the stars we looked up to were so, so, beautiful? I was born with these desires to covet what my skills told me I couldn’t. Was it really my fault?

Was it?!

…The star I looked up to was the most brilliant star in the night sky. Her name was Akari, my best friend. She was the most brilliant star to me because she had what I wanted the most: the talent for art. This gap between us became apparent to me the first day we met at the all-girls middle school. When I showed her my pencil sketch of the mountains of Hokkaido, she presented me with her colored painting of the Dotonbori Canal. It was a spit in my face. I should’ve known to just quit then.

But I didn't know when to give up.

When I saw her name in the news for an art competition a few weeks later, I became obsessed. I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if it was my name there instead. ‘Nozomi Seisaku.’ Plastered everywhere. People would love me then. They would praise me like I’ve never been praised before, and maybe then and only then, could that hole in my ego that appeared on that day be filled. And so I chased after her with a passion that shot out like a shooting star, streaking across the skies with enough force to sear through every hardship along the way—but even shooting stars had to burn out one day.

…They had to. They just had to.

So why? Why did Akari still shine so brilliantly after all these years, even as my own flames died out? Why, even though I tried so hard, did my art never surpass hers? …That was when I realized it. That even though shooting stars were magnificent in their own right, they would never be as great as the stationary stars in the sky that stood above everyone else at a distance so unreachable. Because once all the fire extinguishes, and all the momentum is lost, and its long brilliant tail disappears, a shooting star is just a small dumb space rock that died trying to get where it couldn’t.

That was me, except I hadn’t died. Not yet at least, but I knew it was going to happen soon. I didn’t know how long I had been falling for, but the fact that I had lost track of it meant that I was at a height that would kill me upon impact.

Oh Akari, you’re so beautiful. Even as your tiny figure falls into the void hundreds of meters below me, you continue to shine so brilliantly. And that’s why I’m sorry. Stars like you should continue to shine for people that actually have the potential to reach you. I’m sorry I pushed you. I should’ve known that the wall was not a real wall, but a fake wall that led to this awful pit...

But how could I?! Walls aren’t supposed to do that! They’re supposed to be stable, hard, tangible objects that you collide into when pushed against, not something that could be easily phased through as if it were a ghost! You were only supposed to get hurt then, not die! I only wanted to vent for just one time in my life! If only we never became friends back then…! Then none of this—this awful feeling of falling forever, this horrible guilt of desecrating a star, and that aching realization that I would never be good enough for the things I want: a feeling so dreadful I wished all of my hope would just hurry up and turn into despair so that it would all be over—would’ve never happened.

Showing you my drawing was a mistake. Getting entranced by yours was a mistake. If we had never become best friends we would’ve never argued. I would’ve never pushed you, and I would’ve never cared enough about you that I was worried enough about where you went that I walked in after you and fell down here too. But perhaps it was fate that I did. Me dying from this fall is just fulfilling my role as a shooting star: born as a useless rock and dead as a stupid one. But at least… once it’s all over I get to finally be happy…

…Suddenly, in the far far distance below, a faint light appeared.

The end of the drop perhaps? I thought. If so, then it might finally be over…

I closed my eyes. It was less scary that way I’m sure. No one ever wants to die with their eyes open: it was better to try to push the idea of dying out of your mind as much as possible, even when it was imminent. And so one by one I shut off my senses, starting from my vision, to the smell of the air whose scent reminded me of dry ice, and to finally, the feeling of suspension as I fell, until all that was left was the whistling of the harsh wind in my ears. At last, when the light shining through my eyelids became brighter and brighter I knew my time had come.

Akari… I’m sorry…

…

…Fwoooosh!!!

A gentle breeze suddenly blew past my face, one that seemed to come from a source different than the one generated by the force of my fall.

What’s going on? I wondered.

One by one, my senses slowly came back in reverse order. My sense of feeling told me that the rate at which I was falling was deccelerating; the bland smell of dry ice was replaced by the sweet scent of a warm summer; and when I finally decided to open my eyes, I saw a beautiful field of tall golden grass laid out beneath me. I was being carried by something: a magical force of white-colored wind that wrapped around my body and took the shape of fluffy clouds, letting me slowly descend to the ground. Once I was on the floor, my arms wobbled unsteadily beneath me, and realizing I wasn’t going to hold up for long, I rolled my body over until I was sitting up.

My breath was taken away by the sight of the sky above.

It was a beautiful shade of pastel pink that perfectly complimented the golden grass that swathed as far as the horizon. It was as if the dark hole I was just falling through had never existed. The land’s color scheme reminded me of the kinds I would spend hours trying to recreate but never get right. Though, the sight that caught my attention the most, was not from the strange softness of the world, but rather, the person who stood in it before me.

“Akari!” I shouted upon seeing her.

She had her back turned to me, her smooth, dark-brown hair blowing ominously in the wind. Something felt off about her, but I couldn’t place it. Was it the thought that she was supposed to be dead? No. By that logic I should’ve died too, but here we both are. She was staring off into the horizon, looking at something I couldn’t see as if, even though we were both looking at the same beautiful scenery, she found another thing to appreciate about it that I didn’t. As her face turned around, the light on the horizon shone across her black eyes, illuminating it so that it appeared almost golden.

Ah, those eyes. As beautiful as a star was. If only I had been born with eyes like those—eyes that could see every detail of the world, and eyes that looked full and strong like the richest color of black but could still glimmer like gold in the sunlight. Maybe then I could be as capable as she was.

“Nozomi!” Akari called out in surprise. It was as if she had not noticed my presence beforehand, even though we had fallen through the hole and survived together. Perhaps in her eyes, I had already become that dumb dull rock that remained after a shooting star’s tragic lifespan.

She reached out a hand to touch me, but I slowly backed away. The beautiful look in her eyes, as gentle as they were, frightened me, as if they were looking down at trash.

“I’m sorry!” I blurted. “I didn’t mean to push you! I didn’t mean for us to end up here—wherever we are! I was just… afraid!”

Her hands slowly retracted back.

“...We can talk about that later,” she quietly said, before turning back to the horizon. “Right now, we need to figure out where exactly we ended up.”

I closed my mouth and gently clenched my fists. The warm wind blowing past us dried my lips and made them crisp up. Then, just as we were about to move, a chorus of voices began to sing out around us in unison:

“Come,

New souls~

Come and see~

In Meraki, where you’ll finally be

Your dreams you shaped with careful hands~

You’ll continue to exist in these beautiful lands.”