My Choice

September 23rd, 2017

At 12:30 AM, Kenzie asked if I was free to chat.

[Kenzie]: Free to call?

Delighted at the invitation, I promptly responded.

Sure

I went on Skype to call her. A few rings later, Kenzie picked up and said, “Wait, I need to move to the common room.”

“Oh. Why do you need to go there?”

After exiting her room, she said, “Well there’s usually no one in the common room at this time, so there’s more privacy. I’d stay in my room if my roommate wasn’t in there or if I was calling anyone else.”

“Ah. Nice.” I hadn’t noticed it before, but it was true that I never saw her roommate when Kenzie called me from her room. I took my special treatment as a compliment. “What’s your roommate like?”

“She’s alright, though I wouldn’t say I know her that well yet.”

“Cool. Do you like the people you’re spending time with?”

“They’re nice. I’m making friends.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“Also, did you see the AskReddit thread about whether men feel the need to hide their emotions due to their gender?”

“Hm? No. Why?”

“I keep reading posts about how guys feel the need to hide things because of their gender. How true is that for you?”

“Personally, I don’t feel any pressure or obligation to hide my emotions as a male.”

“I’m glad you feel that way.”

I pondered about the things I did and didn’t say to her. Like how I could tell her what I wanted, but I could never ask her for it, due to the state of our relationship. “There are some things I feel like I should keep to myself out of morality, but it’s also not anything related to gender roles or the fact that I’m a guy.”

“Wow, ‘morality’, huh.” She mused. “Thanks for being honest with me, though.”

“I think there are things that would be selfish for me to let out of my mouth.”

“I’m curious, but I guess you’ve thought it through.”

“I can tell you if you’re curious…”

“The way you’re smirking makes me trust you less.”

“This is the most trustworthy smile in the world, trust me.”

Kenzie went quiet for a while. She looked beyond the camera for a moment, as if to check if anyone could hear her. I could feel from the mood that she was about to ask something that had already been on her mind for a while, but had trouble working up the nerve to ask it.

“Do you think I’m leading you on?”

Almost too quickly, I replied “No. I don’t.”

Even if I thought about it then decided that she was, how could I have said “Yes” in that situation? I didn’t want to find a reason to say “Yes”, either. What she asked me was a question I’d never thought about and didn’t want to spend mental resources on.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Despite having no immediate response, she looked unconvinced. The next thing she told me was, “I’ll understand if you cut me off eventually.”

That didn’t sound to me like something I’d do. Why would I cut her off because she didn’t like me the way I liked her? Just because she didn’t feel the same way about me didn’t mean I’d go beep boop mission abort. Though I did not phrase it that way when I explained it to her.

“That’s not something I’d do. I mean, even if I’m insulting your height half the time, I still do like talking to you every day.”

“You might stop enjoying it.”

“I think that’s not something worth getting concerned about.”

“……”

Since she was beating herself up a lot, I was concerned. Thinking about my regrets from our last conflict, I asked,

“Are you okay?”

But she replied, “I shouldn’t be the one who’s being comforted…”

Which told me that if I tried to cheer her up, it could just make her feel worse, regardless of whether what she said was true or not.

Still thinking about why I still held on to our obscure relationship, Kenzie asked, “Why are you doing this?”

“Hmm. Why are you doing this?” Right after I said that, I noted that it probably wasn’t a good response, so I started again. “Sorry.”

I collected myself. At this moment, I had to think carefully about every word I said to her.

“Well. You know that I have close female friends like Wing. It’s completely normal for me to have girls as close friends. And I don’t see you just as some relationship prospect. You’re still important to me. And…you still look to me for support, right? I just don’t see our keeping in touch as pointless simply because we aren’t dating.”

“You’re so much more mature and honest with me than I am with you.” Despite what she said, her intention wasn’t primarily to praise me. “I don’t know how I’ll manage if the people I meet in the future aren’t like that.”

When you look at yourself, you’ll just see yourself, plain and simple. When someone else looks at you, they’ll see the same thing – yet they can see it completely differently. There’s no way for you to see yourself exactly the way anyone else sees you.

We could see each other through our phones. Kenzie couldn’t see herself the way I saw her. The best I could do was try to let her feel how I saw her. And try I did.

She said, “I don’t deserve you.”

But she couldn’t agree with what I tried to show her.

I couldn’t do anything but frown and reply, “You do.”

She was on the verge of tears.

“I keep reaching out to you. I keep wanting you in my life, even though I know I can’t always be open with you. And then I keep making you feel down.”

“That…that’s not all you do.”

“It’s like I chose to hurt you.”

As she started breaking down, I felt so helpless. She was trapped in my phone, beyond my physical reach.

My ears felt hot.

What can I even say?

I couldn’t just say something like, “I’ll listen to your problems”, or “do you want a hug”.

That wouldn’t work. Not from me, not at that moment. Not even if we were facing each other in real life and not on our phones.

Also, why do women have to be so complicated?

I clenched my fist and released it, attempting to ease my anxiety and make sure I wouldn’t say anything I’d regret. About a minute had passed since Kenzie spoke.

“You can only hurt me because you’re someone that I love.”

I took a breath and continued.

“And I chose to love you.”

Whether saying that was the right thing to do was something I couldn’t know, even after saying it.

“I mean, yes, it can be a pain,” I continued. “I won’t pretend it’s not. I really envy Ray and his girlfriend when I see them together. And the two of us aren’t really on the same page. I can’t tell what’s on your mind a lot of the time, especially if it involves me.

But you’re a great friend. And you care enough to worry about whether keeping in touch with you is good for me. And…you made me blondies when I was stressed. And a whole lot of other things I could go on about.”

Kenzie had stopped crying, though her face was still slightly red and her expression was a conflicted one.

“Should I go on?”

I waited for Kenzie to respond before going on.

“That’s good enough for me. For now.”

“Alright.”

“Thanks, Rob.”

After getting past that heavy subject, we also talked about other things such as her university assignments. It was 4 in the morning when the call finished. I ended the call by saying “Good morning”. Just “Good morning”, nothing more. And that was that.

Once the call ended, I let out a labored sigh.

Why do important things have to be so difficult to say?

Despite everything I said in that call, I’d also wondered what would become of us. On the “official” level, we were close friends. Yet we talked every day, and video called each other frequently enough for my sister to jokingly say that she and her boyfriend didn’t call as often, even though they were in a real long distance relationship.

I knew, even if I never explicitly admitted it, that she wasn’t someone I could keep spending my life loving. Even though she could make me so happy at times. I wasn’t naïve enough to think we could have stayed the way we were forever.

But that didn’t mean I’d just cut her off.

How would this vague, platonic but not 100 percent platonic relationship end for me when I wasn’t actually in a relationship?

I didn’t act on it, but the thought was there.