Greed

September 15th, 2017

In the middle of September, on a Friday, Kenzie and I met up at a park. She’d started attending classes at university by then.

“How are classes going?”

“They’re alright. How's school?” She asked, changing the subject.

“A little stressful. Nothing out of the ordinary.” I looked at her. She was nodding. “Do you not want to talk more about how uni is going? Your first weeks at uni are probably more interesting than my usual business at school.’

“Nope, I just wanna hear about your day.”

“Huh.” I pondered. “Honestly, not much going on. Written assessment for English is due soon, my history coursework final draft is in the works. Stuff like that.”

“Good luck.”

My leg was starting to get really itchy. I checked my legs, and they were accumulating mosquito bites. Somehow, Kenzie didn’t have any. I kept telling myself,

Then at least they’re not biting Kenzie. It’s worth it.

Which made it a bit more bearable.

Kenzie had a family dinner to go to at night, so we eventually left the park, and I walked her to the train station. I wouldn’t be taking the train, because I was to join my parents to have dinner nearby.

It had been a fairly normal hangout for the two of us. But as we parted ways, she turned around and chose to walk into the station without giving me a hug. Just like the time at the nature park.

It felt like she had suddenly become distant from me.

Again, I had absolutely no idea why.

I made up an excuse to go into the station so I could see her one more time. She hadn’t gone through the gates yet.

“My parents told me to go home first,” I said when I caught up with her.

“Oh, okay,” she replied.

Then after walking with her for a while, I pretended to check my phone and said, “Ah, never mind. They told me to go to the restaurant.”

“Alright.”

Before leaving her again, I opened my arms a bit and asked her for a hug.

The hug was an awkward one. It was slightly rushed. One of my arms was above hers, but the other was below hers.

Then I left.

It left a bad aftertaste, not only because it was an awkward hug, but also because of how I went after her like that to ask for it, and because she probably didn’t feel like it.

I don’t know what I expected, going after her like that. In fact, it probably made me feel worse than if I just didn’t try to do anything.

So, like the other times, it put me in a heavy and gloomy state.

Later that night, she texted me about her family dinner.

[Kenzie]: My aunt said my sister’s boyfriend was cute
[Kenzie]: And asked for pics

[Kenzie]: Then my uncle just looked at her like -_-

[Kenzie]: Also he told me I was holding my chopsticks wrong
[Kenzie]: And asked which rock I’ve been living under my entire life

Nice

And that’s all I felt like saying.

September 16th, 2017

Midnight passed. She initiated again.

[Kenzie]: So what subjects have you been studying for the past few hours

I’ve been revising the subject of whether to shower now or not

[Kenzie]: 12:45 AM and you haven’t showered? U nasty

I eventually tried to ask her about it at 2 AM.

How tired were you feeling when you left for the train?

[Kenzie]: Are you going to rate our hug based on that?

Even though I hadn’t mentioned anything about hugs yet, it seemed she already knew what was going on in my head.

Not exactly
Though I feel like there wouldn't have been one if I didn't ask

[Kenzie]: Hmm

Hmm

Since I’d already been acting colder than usual that night since the awkward train station incident, I decided to honestly tell her what my problem was. As embarrassing and petty as I thought it sounded.

But as someone who's so good to you and says things that are hard to say for you I felt like I deserved at least a hug if you were still energetic enough to join a family dinner afterwards
I’m not really asking for anything though

After the sun rose, Kenzie replied.

[Kenzie]: I don’t mind the hug itself
[Kenzie]: It’s just awkward for me to do it in public

That didn’t convince me, so I wasn’t in the mood to reply back for another few hours. The first time she asked me for a hug, it was in public.

Hours later, I replied and made small talk, but more despondently than usual. It was apparent, because Kenzie asked if I was mad at her.

[Kenzie]: You’re not mad at me or anything right?

[Kenzie]: Just had to ask

Parting with you just leaves me with low energy sometimes

[Kenzie]: Oh
[Kenzie]: Sorry!!!

Mhm

[Kenzie]: Seemed like you wanted some alone time

Not really
I wouldn’t have made that lame excuse to go after you if I wanted alone time
I just thought there’d be no chance of leaving with a hug with things as they were

[Kenzie]: Oh

[Kenzie]: That’s not true
[Kenzie]: So silly

That happened after we got back from ocean park
And after we visited the nature park

[Kenzie]: That’s not supposed to mean anything - it’s just me

I wish you would tell me what’s wrong whenever it feels like you’re keeping me at a distance.

I dunno I probably sound petty

[Kenzie]: You sound drained and stressed

Well the drained part is basically from what’s going on now

[Kenzie]: Uhh

Not really asking you to say anything
It makes me feel a bit guilty to have to ask for things

I wanted her to explain herself of her own accord, rather than because I asked her to.

[Kenzie]: Dammit
[Kenzie]: I don’t know what to say

But she wasn’t ready for that.

[Kenzie]: Just don’t think about it too much
[Kenzie]: And know that I’m here to listen if you need to talk about school or workload or any issues
[Kenzie]: Or if you feel like you want some time alone/too busy, just tell me so I’ll know not to text you and stuff

You texting me isn’t ever a problem
You could probably guess what leaves me low though

Why is it that sometimes, you choose to end our hangout without a hug, when you know how much it affects me? I don’t know how to deal with it.

But again I’m not mad

[Kenzie]: Maybe when we have time we can talk this out?

We have plenty of time right now.

Well I don't have much more to say
And I already feel a bit guilty over this
So if you have anything to say I'll listen but I don't have much more to say

[Kenzie]: Isn’t that all the more reason why we should talk about it?

What do you mean?

[Kenzie]: But if you don’t have anything else to say it’s fine too

Then when will you ever talk about your side of the story?

What’s stopping you from telling me?

I'm not uncomfortable with talking but I’ve said my part

What did “In a way, same” entail? If you like me and you trust me enough to cry in front of me, why do you also think I wouldn’t be good to date?

What did you have in mind, back when you said “Maybe one day I’ll explain” after our first “conflict”?

A few hours later, at almost midnight, I added to what I'd just said.

At the end of the day I'm just a guy who wants a hug
but doesn't like having to ask for them

But I can’t ask any of those questions. We aren’t in that kind of relationship. I’m not her boyfriend.

And that was that.

The topic changed after I said that, so our tense but fruitless discussion ended there.

I’d done my best to make myself understood, whether or not I was comfortable with the things I said in the process.

But I couldn’t understand her. When it came to the relationship between us, it felt like only she could see the big picture, while I was in the dark when it came to her issues.

Even though this made me uneasy, I thought that she wasn’t obligated to give me an answer if I asked her what was going on in her mind, so I didn’t ask. If she was comfortable with telling me, she would have.

And so, I wasn’t able to communicate with her about it.

September 17th, 2017

After midnight, I buried my face in my pillow, reflecting on what I'd said, and cowering at how spoiled and entitled I must have sounded.

Why did I say all that?

Why couldn’t I just have asked “Are you okay?” instead of just thinking about what I wanted?

What the hell was I thinking? What the hell was I doing?

I felt like I had successfully gained an understanding of what arguing with a girlfriend felt like, without having a girlfriend.

I did not sleep well.