still here

It doesn’t work that way. You can close your eyes, it doesn’t matter, nothing goes away.

You should close them.

I tried, but I was still there.

The police lingered for too long but they wouldn’t help with the people outside.

I thought I could see them down there. I hate it. I hate them.

They knew Tiki was there with me. They probably saw Skull leaving. Kairos was probably with them.

The cops talked among themselves in hushed tones that seemed to erupt a couple of times. They could end this. They could take me, one way or another.

I closed my eyes again.

Hello blackness.

Goodbye.

I am here, but not for long. What we know, it’s this.

Let’s go. Ok. Come on.

-It’ll be over soon, Tiki whispered to me. She always knew what to say. Not me.

-This isn’t a waiting room, I said to the cops. Are you leaving?

-When we want to, one of them said roughly.

I wanted them to get out. I wanted everybody out. I wanted to be out.

I tried to send Tiki a message in my mind, even though she was right there, because I didn’t want the cops to know.

They didn’t know anything I had done that they would want me for. I am still here.

-Can we go? I asked the cops, pointing to Tiki and me.

The cops looked annoyed, like they wanted me there even less than I did.

One of the cops walked over to the window as if to taunt me, leaning out half way and pointing down to the street while turning to me.

-You’ve got stalkers or something out there you said?

He pulled himself back in and started laughing.

-What would they say if they knew you were talking to the cops?

That they were parasites, sucking down on a giant oak.

You’re not alone, fortunately.

This is why we’re here.

It was happening again.

-I can’t be a prisoner, I said. They can say whatever they want.

Things are seeping in that don’t belong. Don’t lie to me.

-What happened to the door? I asked the cop.

-Are you kidding me? What did you do to it? he responded. It was like that when we got here.

I didn’t remember what happened to the door or who had gone through it.

I know that I would. As soon as I could.

Tiki would get me out of here, somewhere safe away from everything that was trying to transform and consume and destroy me. Me. Me!

I tried to feel the tool in my hand but it was gone. I couldn’t remember where I left it.

Let’s deal with first things first.

The cops were still here.

-I didn’t do anything, I declared. So I am going to leave now. Ok.

I looked to Tiki but I didn’t know what she was going to do. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

I knew the cops were leaving. I just had to wait them out.

I tried to stay still so that I wouldn’t draw their attention. I tried to focus on my breath.

I was here. This was my story. I didn’t want the cops there and that should be enough to make them go away. Go away.

It doesn’t work that way. There’s no one I’m afraid to go through a door with. If it’s a door I want to go through. Like mine.

I’ve pieced it all together, I don’t know if it was the best that I could do but I know it that I did it, I know that I did it.

It’s not much of a story, I’m rambling. Thoughts form featurelessly.

I started to focus on my breath. Count on the way in, count on the way out. I am here. So is Tiki. She will help me.

The thoughts will stick to me if I can hold on to them. Not the cops. Go away.

-Listen, one of the cops said. It felt like there were more of them now.

I listened. I could hear my breathing and Tiki’s but it was like the cops weren’t there.

-Okay, I said.

-Don’t go far, he said. We’re going to count on you, the cop told Tiki. She nodded but I pretended not to see.

-Look, she said. He’s like my brother. But you have to leave him alone.

It’s always listen, look. Look at this. Listen to that. Do you feel me? I’m touched. It can stink. You can smell me. I just want a taste.

I pieced together an understanding of my reality from the pieces that were left. Phonemes and pheromones and things I don’t know.

The cops left. Tiki was still there. It’s like, if I don’t remind myself she might disappear or I might lose myself. But never the cops, they’ll always be somewhere, just outside the field of vision, like all the others there. Waiting.