Sigma Male

Third year of high school, it was then that my supposed friends introduced me to Professor Silva Inc. I was reflecting on my years of being friend-zoned, building up a list of female acquaintances but none close enough to become my girlfriend. Skepticism filled me at first. A bulletproof guide to a woman’s heart? That sounded way too good to be true.

But the more I read his books and the more I listened to him speak, the more I realized that… I was so far beneath him. What had I been living as in the past eighteen years? My parents were so busy at work that I barely remembered what they looked like. Did they even realize that I wasn’t living at the house any longer? Of course, no girl would love me too. I wore my desperation too obviously on my sleeve.

It was all my fault. I wasn’t putting in enough effort. I wasn’t doing things the right way. And Professor Silva Inc. should have set me on the correct path. I believed that with all my heart, warping my whole body and soul to live his philosophy, until today, when another truth forced itself into my mind.

Oh… it is all bullshit, isn’t it?

It was a lie, faker than an escort’s persona.

A public Q-and-A might have been one of the worst places to have this epiphany. Before any of the people onstage could express their opinions on a sigma male, I slipped through the crowd and in a straight line to the door, determined to get myself as far from Mamie as possible, so that Hanawa-senpai couldn’t use me to attack her.

Or, I just didn’t want to hear Mamie’s thoughts on the belief in which I had invested all of myself.

Making it out to the corridor, I picked up my speed and navigated the pathways within the building until I reached somewhere I could dump my sorrow, which ended up being the rooftop. It was the same place that I watched the sunrise with Mamie a few hours ago, but circumstances had condemned me to stand here alone this time.

Rush hour had passed, so the city below was once again lacking life. If I strained my eyes, I could barely make out pedestrians in the distance. But… they were so far away. Too far away. They might as well not exist. I might as well be on my own in this world.

“Is something on your mind?” A soothing voice cut off my brooding thoughts. Of course, it was another woman again. Is this how a harem anime protagonist feels?

Wait. That made no sense at all. In the past, I would be happy for women to approach me without any effort on my part, especially attractive ones. The person who called out to me definitely fulfilled the criteria of good looks, once I turned to look at her.

Shoulder-length white hair framed a seemingly ageless face. Arayama-san and Nakaya-san both looked like they were in their mid-20s, definitely much younger than their actual ages, but this woman was on another level. I couldn’t get a good estimate of even her apparent age, just that she looked young. Her dark brown eyes stared at me as if we had been acquaintances for years.

“Do I know you?” I asked.

The woman shrugged. “Nope, but I followed you up here.”

“That’s stalking.”

“It’s not stalking because I’m hot.”

That line, said in a disarming tone that didn’t alarm me at all, sounded oddly familiar, but before I could think about it too deeply, the woman hurried to clarify. “Don’t worry. I was just kidding. You looked melancholic when you left the hall, so I thought you might need some words of encouragement from a cute girl.” She pointed at herself as if I wouldn’t know who she was referring to.

“I don’t need anything like that.” I rubbed my eyes to test for tears. Luckily, there were none, so I merely turned back to the urban view to signal to the woman that I wanted nothing to do with her.

“Mamie-chan isn’t actually that far behind Naoko-chan in votes. Even though Mamie-chan isn’t as popular in the first year, she has helped a lot of second- and even third-years with their studies and projects. Naoko-chan is more approachable, of course. Mamie-chan sometimes has that scowl on her face when she thinks that no one is looking. I’m sure you know what I mean. And there are reasons why she can’t keep a partner to practice with.”

Halfway through her speech, I had already snuck a glance back at her, my mouth hanging wide from how much she knew about the election. Was this normal? Did every student know who was winning? Did everyone except me know?

After she finished her successful ploy to get me interested, I voiced the looming question in my mind that I had no doubt she wanted me to ask. “Who are you?”

“Me? I’m Uwabe Kawai. The Secretary of the Japanese Sex Worker Union. It’s nice to meet you.” Uwabe-san bowed to me in a motion that seemed oddly familiar. Now that I looked at her thoroughly, I felt as if I had seen her figure somewhere. Must have been one of those common physiques.

The more pressing thing was her status as one of the three guests on today’s visit. But then, why wasn’t she on stage with the other two executive members of the Union? How could I know she was telling the truth about her identity? I could very well claim to be the prime minister too.

Even if she could be a fake, I should put in the effort to make a good impression. An endorsement from a Union member could sway the students’ votes, since no one would want a representative who didn’t get along with the Union.

“Sorry for my rude remarks earlier. My name is Kuronuma Shuntaro. I’m a student here.” I hoped my bow looked sincere enough for her. My wide smile switched on by instinct, but I sensed that it was less charming than before.

“I know. Why else would I suddenly bring up Mamie-chan? It concerns your relationship with her. How you can help her.”

“I don’t know if Nakaya-san told you, but the deal is that-”

“I’m not talking about you getting your expulsion rescinded. It’s not about that. Let’s put it this way. In what way do you think you are useful to Mamie-chan?”

“I… I can practice with her?”

Uwabe-san rubbed her left cheek and pouted. “Do you think Chiaki-chan can’t find a better practice partner for her? Come on. Are you even trying to think?”

“Can you please give me the answer?”

“Nope. That won’t be as illuminating, and not as fun.” Something told me she valued the latter more than the former.

Thoughts ran through my brain as I struggled to find what she wanted me to realize. Memories of Mamie arose, and more replaced them. Snippets of her eyes gleaming with purpose and her hair as smooth as a clear river. The twinkling comfort in my heart as we touched. Her gentle breath. Her passionate heartbeat. Every piece of evidence that she was alive, next to me.

Oh, that’s it. She must be feeling the same way, or at least something similar.

I knew what I had to do next. Uwabe-san smiled, as if she could read my mind simply from my expression.

Before I headed to my dorm room to get what I needed, I asked her one more thing. “Why are you helping me?”

“Because, Kuronuma-kun, despite how it seems, I only want to help you. That’s it.”

She didn’t have to word it in such a complicated way, but in a hurry, I just left it at that. The Q-and-A session wouldn’t wait for me, after all.

***

After stumbling to my room at the Intimacy Block and back to the Commitment Block to the event hall, I pushed my way back into the crowd and raised my hand. I managed to make it in time. The two guests and three students were still sitting on the stage. It took a few turns for the microphone to finally make its way to me. Feeling the cold plastic outer shell in my grasp and the other students’ equally icy gaze, I inhaled to prepare myself and then spoke in a sturdy voice. “My question is directed to Hanawa-senpai.”

Her eye twitched ever so slightly, and I caught Mamie glaring at me. I knew what she was conveying: “Whatever you’re planning, don’t do it.” Either that or this expression was just her default when it came to me.

I paused to breathe in another mouthful of air, and not just my lungs, but the rest of my body was telling me to stop. Professor Silva wouldn’t have liked what I was about to do too, but I couldn’t afford to care.

“I’m really sorry for making you uncomfortable back then. Please forgive me.”

Hanawa-senpai held up a mic of her own. “Kuronuma-kun, I think that this kind of gesture is best done in private.”

“I would have. But since you have made it public, I find it appropriate to do this publicly too.” Distinct murmurs stirred among the spectators. Mamie’s expression was getting darker by the second. The two Union guests, especially Nakaya-san, had amused smiles on their faces.

For Hanawa, she pursed her lips, and annoyance surged from her brown eyes. She still managed a dignified response, and none of her emotions carried over to her calm tone. “I would forgive you, but only if your apology was sincere, which it didn’t seem to be. You just seemed to have realized from our earlier answers that your toxic ideology isn’t welcome here.”

What earlier answers? I wasn’t here to listen to them, so she was just plain wrong here. Luckily, I predicted that she would say something along the lines of this, so, in response, I raised over my head an object that I had retrieved from my room earlier. I spoke into the mic that my other hand was holding. “It is sincere. And I’ll prove it now.”

I stuffed the mic to the random person standing next to me, because I needed both hands for this. A few gasps sounded through the space, but I was sure that they were just playing it up. The students chattered more loudly, and even though I couldn’t make out the exact words said, I was confident that I had gathered all the attention in the hall.

Ayu-senpai hijacked the chaos through a pretty but authoritative voice broadcast through her mic. “Please quiet down, everyone. And Kuronuma-kun, please be reminded that we are in the middle of a Q-and-A session. Not whatever you are trying to do.” Despite what she said, she was smiling, and her gray eyes were daring me to continue.

How could she not enjoy this show? Because the object I had above me was Professor Silva Inc.’s magnum opus: The Lonely Path to the Sigma Male.

“I’m done with Professor Silva!” I yelled, straining my vocal cords.

My heart disagreed. I remembered the warmth and relief I felt when I first read the book, and how much it resonated with my struggles with the opposite sex, as if someone finally understood me and gave me a voice. Rethinking the advice in the book now, I found some of it ridiculous and some contradictory, like “Never tell a girl your IQ score, unless you are smarter than her.” I still couldn’t let the rest of them go.

Without them, what would I have? How would I know what to do, or whether I was right or wrong for doing something? What would guide me?

Maybe the curriculum at this college could fill that role. But would it really? What if I still got expelled in the end? My eyes met Mamie’s, and I found that her frown was gone, replaced with a pained, empathetic expression. Then she gave me a subtle nod.

I bit my lips and tried all I could to stop the tears that threatened to slip out. One last breath, and following a scream coming from my soul, I ripped the pages off the book, tearing them into smaller and smaller pieces until the book became a mangled corpse.

Stray pieces of paper fluttered like confetti, and my heart sank as I watched them scatter. My throat dried up from the strain, and the tears I had held back flowed out of my nose as repulsive snot. In mere seconds, my world seemed to have collapsed and disintegrated, but I remained standing, because I could still see Mamie with a faint smile on her lips.