I Accidentally Triggered The Erratic Childhood-Friend Route! (Part 1)

“Hey, Tomoya!”

I glance up from my phone to see Haruki by the school entrance, waving me over.

“Hey man! Surprised to see you here this early!” I call out, jogging up to him, glad to have finally caught him alone for once.

“Yeah, I have to meet with some of the club presidents this morning: the Gaming Club in particular has a pretty interesting proposal.”

“Oh! That reminds me, you know that game we were talking about yesterday?”

“Yeah?”

“Guess who got into the alpha?” I gloat, smirking.

“Aw man, some guys have all the luck! I couldn’t get in; I would have loved to try it out early, though.”

“Well, you know, it has been forever since we’ve actually hung out. I was thinking maybe later today we could boot up the game together and—”

THUD!

Before I can finish the thought, a towering, amber-eyed delinquent girl—her billowing, fiery red ponytail nearly as large as she is—comes crashing down from the sky, landing right between us.

Unfortunately, much to my inconvenience, the daily weather forecast never seems to account for this sort of weather phenomenon.

“There you are, Kojima. You’re coming with me!” She flashes a wolfish smirk as she grabs Haruki’s wrist. “We’re going to have a nice, long chat.”

“Hey! We were in the middle of a—”

Her head swivels toward me.

Skewering me with a terrifying glare, she brandishes a wooden kendo sword.

“Just kidding!”

My voice cracks as I scuttle backward, a strained smile plastered on my face as I avert her gaze. My eyes dart to the window she just leapt from, then snap back to Haruki in a silent plea for help.

“Hold it right there!” I hear a girl yell in a foreign accent.

I look over to see a blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty with a brown cowboy hat perched atop her head and a small red scarf knotted around her neck. Behind her, a dozen or so angry girls stand by the school gate.

Continuing to shout, she proclaims “You dragged him around all day yesterday! It’s not your turn anymore!”

“Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?” the delinquent girl shouts in return, pointing her sword at the crowd.

“Hey! We agreed to no violence!” the foreign girl protests, pointing an admonishing finger right back at her.

“You know…” The delinquent girl looks over at Haruki as he interjects with a disarming smile, “...if we could all get along as friends, that would make me really happy. Wouldn’t that make you happy too?”

Struggling to resist his charms, her face gradually burns a brighter and brighter red until eventually she relents, letting out an irritated groan followed by a grumble.

“...Fine.”

I watch as she stands there, clearly contemplating something.

…

Her head pivots as she looks over at the girls…

Then back to Haruki…

Then back to the girls…

Then back to Haruki…

Then…

…

…

…she bolts.

Slinging Haruki over her shoulder, she sprints away as fast as she possibly can.

The foreign girl starts to protest “Hey, wait! You can’t just—”

VROOOM!

Cut off by the roar of a motor, a girl with short wavy orange hair and mismatching eyes—one purple and one green—speeds past in a paint-splattered electric wheelchair. She knocks the foreign girl off balance, mocking her as she flies by.

“You snooze; you lose!”

Trying to maintain order, the foreign girl starts again—

“But we’re supposed to—”

WHOOOSH!

A tan girl with boyish, dark brown hair in a black-and-gold track outfit barrels through next, knocking her off balance again. She gives chase, sprinting at what could only be described as Olympian level speed.

“It’s on!”

The foreign girl tries one last time.

“I—”

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP!

“After him!” one of the girls in the crowd shouts.

The group surges forward in a stampede, finally bowling the foreign girl over—her hat left spinning on the pavement beside her.

She sits there stunned for a moment.

Coming back to her senses, she shakes her head and hurriedly grabs her hat—shoving it back on her head as she scrambles to her feet to join the chase.

“Wait for meeeee!”

Glued to what I’m witnessing like a bystander watching a slow-motion car wreck, I suddenly snap back to reality—realizing I never actually got to finish my conversation with Haruki.

I cup my hands and shout.

“Wait! Haruki! What about the—!”

“Bye, Tomoyaaa! Have a nice daaay!” he shouts back, disappearing as the delinquent girl rounds a corner.

…

…...

Defeated yet again, I let out a sigh.

I start dragging myself over to the student council room, condemned to trudge through an endless pile of paperwork...

…is this really my life now?

***

The Harem Romantic Comedy…

An undying staple of Japanese media that for generations has provided hormone-addled teenagers everywhere their number two source of wish fulfillment—second only to the Isekai Power Fantasy.

But one must ask themselves:

What is the true backbone of this genre—the reason it has remained so enduringly popular?

Could it be the self-insertable protagonist painstakingly engineered to look like the statistical average of every teenage boy in Japan?

How about the ravenous horde of attractive love interests who all helplessly swoon over the protagonist anytime he so much as breathes?

Or perhaps it’s the dramatic misunderstandings between characters that could all be avoided with even the slightest amount of basic communication?

Wrong!

It’s the reliable best friend, of course!

Who’s the guy that’s there to knock some sense into the protagonist when he’s wavering, to buy him time while he chases after the girl, to always land the critical punchline?

If ever there was a man among men, clearly, it’d have to be the perennial best friend!

After all, what bond is more unbreakable than that of a harem protagonist and his best buddy? Deep down, that’s the true relationship every man’s heart yearns for—the real void they seek to fill when enjoying a harem series!

And what glorious reward do these stunning chads receive for their stalwart devotion?

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Instead, every step he takes to preserve his friends’ happiness and bolster the harem only pushes his best buddy further and further away.

And yet, he persists, knowing that when a friend is in need, it’s his sworn duty to help, no matter the personal cost. It’s a thankless job, I tell you…

…though I might be a little biased.

My name is Ubakawa Tomoya (奪川 智也), and alas, as fate would so have it, it seems that upon starting high school, I was conscripted by the universe to act as the best friend to a harem protagonist.

With messy blonde-brown hair, brown eyes, and a slightly taller than average build—not to mention literally having tomo (friend) in my name—perhaps I was doomed to this fate from the very beginning.

But what about when I’m not aiding the harem?

Well, I engage in truly exciting activities like…studying…or playing videogames.

Yes, yes, hold your applause.

I know—I’ve got all the shining individuality of a convenience store rice ball.

As for who I’m playing wingman to, that would be Kojima Haruki (恋島 陽輝).

Haruki is a bit shorter than average, has dark brown eyes, black hair with two green strands sticking out the top like a sprout, and always wears a carefree smile.

We’ve been best buddies for as long as I can remember, so I get why everybody’s so fond of him—he’s fun, kind to everyone, and absolutely radiates positive vibes. But the moment we entered high school, something shifted. Fondness turned into love, and he quickly started to build a harem without even realizing it.

Then we joined the student council.

And that—

is where all hell really broke loose.

While normally rare for first year students to join, the instant our class president saw how effortlessly Haruki gets along with everybody, she just knew she had to have him as her Club Liaison.

And thus, upon being thrust into frequent contact with the entire student body—frequently visiting all the various clubs—the size of his harem exploded.

Now, just three weeks into school, he’s already managed to capture the hearts of literally dozens of girls.

And what’s worse? Upon being recruited, Haruki proceeded to recommend me as General Affairs Clerk.

I don’t know what he told the President, but whatever it was, she wasn’t taking no for an answer.

What does a General Affairs Clerk do, you may be asking?

Everything apparently.

There isn’t a person on the council who hasn’t dumped their busywork on me, it’s gotten so bad I’ve even overheard a couple classmates refer to me as the student council’s “dog”.

If I weren’t so pathetic at turning people down—and if this wasn’t one of the only ways I actually get to spend time with Haruki anymore—I’d have quit a long time ago.

Instead, I’m stuck here—and I’ve never been more exhausted.

I’m in a constant state of either drowning in paperwork or frantically running errands around the school.

And I won’t even get started on the heroines…each with their own unique brand of daily chaos.

The little misadventures, the petty quarrels, the constant drama—the harem’s emotions are so all over the place they’re starting to throw mine out of whack too. I have no idea how to even process it!

And the worst part?

I don’t even have a best friend to confide in, because those same girls are monopolizing nearly every second of Haruki's time!

Even just the two of us being able to relax and hang out like we used to—even if only for a little while—would go a long way in relieving me of all this stress. But I’m being denied even that!

Yeah, no.

You know what?

I’m done.

I look around at the towering stacks of paperwork piled atop my desk in the student council room.

Surrounding me. Looming over me. Taunting me.

I refuse to just sit around and let myself get tossed aside like all those other best friends—I’m taking my fate into my own hands!

I’m going to make Haruki sit down and have a proper conversation with me if it’s the last thing I do. It’s time we finally had a heart-to-heart, and I got all these pent-up frustrations off my chest!

BAM!

And what do you know?

Looks like today’s my lucky day!

Right as I steel my resolve, the door to the student council room slams open, could the timing be any better?