Chapter 36: My New Page

Chapter 36: My New Page

✿———✦———✿

“Please. Enjoy reading my book, titled... Flower Song of Winter.”

A new page? Do I also have the right to enter the story—Kazuaki’s story?

My name is Hayashi Yukifuyu, 22 years old. I am a fashion designer at Tsukiji Animation Studio and a graduate of the faculty of computer science with a focus on fashion design, 3D modeling, and rendering—just like Hattori Kiriha, my senior.

My hobbies involve reading fairy tales and fables. I love fantasy—as if I were the main character, a princess without a prince in my own story. Besides that, I love writing stories on my blog, pouring out whatever ideas cross my mind. Every page I write feels full of meaning; nothing is left blank. To me, the world is a narrative that keeps moving, and everyone holds the pen for their own respective chapters.

And now, it’s as if God is giving me another blank sheet. A sheet I want to fill with everything I feel... that new page... is Kazuaki.

I realize many will sneer and think I have no heart for interfering in Kazuaki and Chinatsu’s relationship. Of course, I know this is unfair to Yorishiro. But let me be honest—our relationship is merely platonic. There is no love there, no burning romance. Yorishiro only feels pity for me because of the wounds of my past; he sees me as a bird with a broken wing in need of a branch to perch on. That’s all. It’s nothing more than a misguided form of protection.

But for Kazuaki? I have loved him for far too long. This feeling took root long before Chinatsu was ever on his radar. And the relationship between him and Chinatsu now... hasn't it technically ended? Look into his eyes—they are empty. There’s no spark of recognition, no vibration of history left. To him, Chinatsu is just a stranger claiming to have a past with him. They are done. So, why shouldn't I be the one to write this new page? Why not from a different perspective? I also want to be in Kazuaki’s story. Not just a side character passing briefly in the background as "the quiet intern."

All this time, I have only been a reader in Kazuaki and Chinatsu’s story, swallowing bitterness at every chapter of their intimacy. But now... now I want to be in it. I know what others will think—I’ll be considered evil, perhaps a homewrecker, a snake waiting for the right moment to strike at someone else's happiness.

In the past, I tried to forget Kazuaki. I knew he was unreachable, like the North Star that can only be gazed upon but never touched. So when he graduated, I tried to give up. That was when Miharu approached me—the man who was Chinatsu’s husband at the time. I didn't know he was married. He said he was single, young, appearing so sincere... I believed him. I tried to open my heart, which was thirsty for affection, and let him in. But as it turned out, I was merely the victim of a petty man’s deception.

My heart shattered when I found out the truth. Worse still, Kazuaki saw me in that most humiliating state. I felt dirty. I was afraid of being seen as a cheap woman in front of Kazuaki, someone caught in a tawdry scandal with someone else’s husband. When Chinatsu divorced Miharu, I actually ended up opening the path for their legendary love story... between Kazuaki and Chinatsu. Ironic, isn't it? I became the bridge to my own destruction. That was my biggest mistake—a blunder I couldn't take back.

I thought I had been truly foolish. But in the end, the one reality I cannot change is this: no one can replace Kazuaki. No one. Even now, when this opportunity arises through the tragedy of his memory loss, I feel as if Kagechi or even the universe itself is giving me this chance. Why should I refuse it? What’s wrong with me wanting to be happy with my hero?

I met Kazuaki for the first time during the Christmas Festival in 2016. I was seven years old, and he was nine. I was being bullied by mean kids, and at that time, I was separated from my parents in the crowd. Kazuaki, that ringy bookworm with his big glasses, actually threw his favorite comic at them to protect me. He fought for me, even though he ended up battered and crying from the pain. But they left. Even then, he hijacked the security room broadcast, calling for my parents through the speakers with intelligence far beyond his years. Who could forget such a heroic event?

I, a weak and terrified little girl, saw a hero in him. Since then, I fell in love. A pure love at first sight that grew into a silent obsession.

Years passed, and I never had the chance to say thank you to my hero. But then fate brought me to meet him again at campus. He was my senior in the Faculty of Computer Science, Kobe State University.

Kazuaki was extraordinary. Not just because he was handsome—though of course he was—but because of his kindness, his brilliance, and his calm demeanor. I admired him from behind the library shelves. I respected him from across the auditorium. But every time I wanted to approach him, I always lost to my own fear. My voice would get stuck in my throat every time he passed by.

I was too much of a coward to approach him. I could only be a secret admirer, writing his name in the corners of my sketchbooks. I never had the courage to talk to him, even up until he graduated. Until his last day at university, I only stared at his back from a distance, hoping that one day, I could be more than just a shadow around him.

Until finally, when I interned at the company where he worked, that opportunity came again. This time, he was a dignified CTO. Time seemed to spin fast, and I was getting closer to him professionally. However, my heart broke when I found out that he already had a lover. Yes. Chinatsu. That woman was older, wiser, had a long history I couldn't compete with, and was already part of his very breath. Who was I compared to Chinatsu? Just a scrap of cloth on the sewing table of a famous designer.

I knew I had no right to feel angry, let alone jealous. So, I chose to be happy for them—or at least tried to pretend. But when Kazuaki disappeared for two years and returned as a "blank page" without memory... this is where everything changed. The gravity of the world seemed to shift in my favor.

Now, is it wrong if I see this as an opportunity for me? An opportunity that never existed before because it was blocked by the wall named "the past"? Is it wrong if I want to fill the empty space in his head? To rewrite his life's pages, this time with my name on the first line as the main lead?

I know what people will say. “Evil.” “Hurting.” “Shameless woman.” But is it wrong if I also want to feel real happiness for once? Not by stealing by force, but by reaching for the hand that is now reaching out, searching for a grip in the darkness of his memory.

This is an opportunity I never expected would come. Kazuaki returned as someone who no longer remembers his past, including his promises to Chinatsu. It’s as if God gave me a new path to approach him without having to feel guilty for stepping over history. It’s not that I don’t care about Chinatsu. I understand how broken she is. But don't I also deserve to stop feeling broken? I’ve loved Kazuaki since we were little, and now, when his heart is an empty house, will I let someone else move back in before I even try to enter?

And Yorishiro... yes, I know many think I should be grateful to have him. But again... our relationship is just a silent escape. Yorishiro only pities me; he sees me as a repair project, not a lover. There is a big difference between the two. I never fell in love with Yorishiro, and I don't want to spend my life in a relationship based on debt and pity. It would make me wither in the end.

Kazuaki is the only one I want. Not because I want to snatch him with malicious intent, but because I have waited in the audience for too long. This opportunity won't come for a third time. Maybe Chinatsu will hate me forever; maybe my friends will cast me out. But I am ready to accept all those consequences. I’d rather be hated for being honest with my feelings than live in a pretense that slowly kills my soul.

So, this is my new page. I know this story will divide many—those who continue to worship Chinatsu as the persecuted protagonist, and perhaps the few who can understand how suffocating it is to be me. But doesn't every love story have a different perspective? Doesn't love sometimes demand a bit of cruelty to survive?

Maybe those who look from my perspective will understand that everyone has the right to fight for their happiness, even if it means becoming the antagonist in someone else’s story. And now, I will write my story with Kazuaki as the center of its universe. I won't give up again, not this time. Because finally, this is my story—the story of Hayashi Yukifuyu who finally dares to stop being a shadow.

I apologize to Chinatsu. I’m truly sorry I have to do this. But this is the bitter reality of life. Nothing is ever fair under this sunless sky. Nothing is perfect. And sometimes, we have to be selfish to get what we've only ever dreamed of from afar.

I also deserve to be happy. And this golden opportunity arising from the ruins of Kazuaki’s memory... I will not let it pass again, no matter the cost. Because to me, it is better to burn in the heat of a fierce summer than to freeze to death in the loneliness of an eternal winter.