Chapter 37: Mirages and Fairy Tales

Chapter 37: Mirages and Fairy Tales

✿———✦———✿

“I... don't want to give up again. I love him... through every season of the year that I've lived through.”

I stared out the window, watching the city of Kobe sparkle beautifully beneath the night sky. From here, within this grand mansion perched atop the hill, the view felt mesmerizing—a deceptive sense of freedom. Everything seemed so close, as if I could reach out and grab whatever I desired just by extending my hand. But I knew it was nothing more than a mirage.

Momiji arrived soundlessly. Her footsteps were soft, yet there was a palpable heaviness in the way she approached me. I knew she had witnessed it all—my snide remarks, my sarcasm toward Chinatsu. She knew exactly how trapped I was in this web of expectation, and I also knew she was on Chinatsu’s side.

Momiji stood in silence for a moment, appearing hesitant, before finally speaking.

“Yukifuyu… stop it. You’re hoping for too much. All of this will only end up hurting you.”

Her words were like a sharp blade piercing my heart. I wanted to snap back, to scream that I had the right to hope, the right to fight for what I felt. Didn’t God Himself give me this path? Wasn’t this new road created so I could be closer to Kazuaki?

Momiji shook her head, her face filled with a rage I was unaccustomed to seeing. “God? What kind of nonsense is that?” she said, her tone sharp and harsh. “If God truly gave you a path, you would have been with Kazuaki a long time ago. Not like this. You’re only going to hurt yourself further, Yukifuyu. It’s better for you to stop before everything falls apart.”

Why was she so angry? This wasn’t the Momiji I knew. I knew she didn’t mean to wound my feelings, but her words felt like an insult. My heart trembled, sliced open.

“This isn’t an opportunity,” she said again, her voice full of a regret she couldn’t hide. “This is a trial. God only wants to play with you. You will look like a villain in the eyes of Kazuaki, Chinatsu, and everyone else. You’ve set your hopes too high, Yukifuyu... you’re being truly foolish.”

I fell silent, my heart screaming in the void. Foolish? Perhaps she was right. Perhaps I was a fool. But was it wrong to hope? I turned away, trying to escape a truth that was too bitter to accept. Momiji’s words echoed in my head, striking me over and over.

“Don’t let yourself become a toy for this God of yours,” she said with a pained tone, as if speaking from the depths of her own bitter life experience. “You’ll only end up humiliating yourself.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. Without a word, I turned and walked away. Ageha, who had just arrived, immediately confronted Momiji. “What the hell is wrong with you? What did you say to her? Why is she crying? Momo! You do not know about her story!”

But I didn’t care anymore. My steps felt heavy as I walked toward the rooftop garden. My breath was shallow. I held back the tears that were on the verge of spilling. On the top floor of the mansion, I isolated myself in a flower garden adorned with soft, glowing fairy lights. From here, the distant view of Kobe danced under the night light. But in my eyes, everything was blurred by the tears I fought to suppress.

Was it true? Was I just humiliating myself?

All this time, I tried to be optimistic, to think that maybe God was providing a way for me. But as it turned out, that conviction was slowly destroying me. I began to realize that the beautiful fairy tales I believed in since childhood were mere illusions. My relationship with Kazuaki, all my hopes and dreams, were just fictional stories I built in my own mind—a tale that would never become real—much like a story that can only live within the pages I write, a story I created as the author but would never experience myself.

Footsteps sounded behind me. I turned slowly and saw Kazuaki approaching. He looked slightly surprised to see me, perhaps not expecting to find anyone here.

“Ah, sorry,” he said with an awkward tone. “I was just looking for some fresh air. If I’m disturbing you, I can leave.”

Don’t leave, I thought. Please, don’t turn your back on me again. However, those words remained stuck in my throat. I could only stare at his familiar back, the back I had always longed for but could never reach.

Kazuaki stopped, seemingly hearing my stifled murmur. He turned and looked at me, his face full of a gentle curiosity.

Suddenly, my chest began to feel heavy, and my breathing grew more labored. My asthma was flaring up. The same thing was happening again... and once more, Kazuaki held out his inhaler to me, just like two years ago, when he first saved me from an unrelenting asthma attack in front of Chinatsu’s house. Back then, I felt so dirty and trapped—Miharu, Chinatsu’s husband, had ensnared me in a humiliating situation, and I was so ashamed in front of Kazuaki, the one I had always loved.

I hadn’t even had the chance to return the inhaler he gave me back then. Now, he was offering it again. With trembling hands, I took the inhaler and inhaled its contents, hoping my breathing would soon return to normal.

The tears I had been holding back began to flow, but I remained silent, not wanting to appear weak in front of him. I didn’t want him to know how broken my heart was. I didn’t want to be a burden in his life.

Kazuaki sat down next to me, but he kept his distance. It felt as if there was an invisible wall between us—a wall I had built myself out of fear of my own fragility.

“The city is beautiful, isn’t it?” he said softly, his voice barely audible.

I only nodded, suppressing the surge of uncontrollable emotions within me. This prince I had always adored, why did he choose to sit here with me? Or was I just hoping for too much? Perhaps he just wanted to feel the breeze, as he had said.

Suddenly, without saying anything, he took off his jacket and gently draped it over my shoulders. The surprise made me go still. I could feel the warmth of his body still lingering in the jacket, and for a moment, I wanted to let myself drown in that warmth—in the delusion that I could have him.

He then lit a small fire in a nearby fire pit, filling the silence with the sound of crackling wood.

I wanted to speak, but my tongue was tied. I wanted to say that all this time, I had always hoped to be in his story. I wanted to be by his side, not as a spectator from afar, but as a part of his life. However, all of that felt so impossible, as if the world had decided my role was limited to being a secret admirer who never dared to step further.

“Kazuaki...san...” Finally, I managed to call his name, but my voice was too weak. He turned, looking at me with an expression that was difficult to decipher.

“Yes?”

I hesitated for a moment, searching for the right words. But before I could speak, the tears I had been holding back finally fell, streaming down my cheeks. I immediately bowed my head, not wanting him to see my weakness.

“I… I’m fine.” I tried to smile, but failed completely. My voice trembled, and I knew he could see just how fragile I was at that moment.

Kazuaki was silent for a long time, as if weighing something. Then, without a word, he moved a little closer, still in silence. His presence beside me offered a bit of calm, but it also added to the pain in my heart. Because I knew that no matter how close we were right now, his heart was still far beyond my reach.

The night went on, and we just sat there, trapped in a silence that was so agonizing. I knew that at this moment, I would never truly be able to be in his story, even though I wished otherwise.

And perhaps, this is my destiny—to always be a shadow beside him, without ever becoming a real part of his life.

This night is truly exhausting, I thought, yet the city of Kobe continued to offer its unmatched beauty. Even though the sky was a dull grey, the glittering city lights seemed to whisper hope in the midst of the silence.