Can I Please Find the Right Words?

A shout through the door wouldn’t help. She wasn’t going to open the door. Though it would also defeat the purpose. Unknown to Noriko, her friend had managed to give her exactly what she wanted. Though doing it in the middle of work, even alone seemed like a poor choice. And yet she had been failing for the week to catch him. She would just have to take what she was given.

“Noriko?” He was behind her. She knew it and yet it still made her jump a little. Her heart ran twice as fast suddenly. The room started to feel hot. It was nothing like before. Noriko really hadn’t prepared for this as well as she thought.

Prepared or not, he was in front of her now. The only path for her was ahead. For as much of a troll her friend was she had to give her some small bit of thanks for managing to arrange things. Very small. She still lied to her. And no doubt this provided her at least five minutes of laughs. There would have to be some sort of punishment for her tonight.

However, she first had to address Hiroyuki. Running away wasn’t a choice she was going to make anymore.

She gave an awkward laugh. “Maiko being her mischievous self again.”

“Do you know why she asked me here?”

Only the tiniest of nods came out of her. She realized standing before him now she had no words prepared. No expectations set. No vision. It was just a decision.

At that moment, Noriko realized she planned nothing at all. She only made a decision and then stopped at that point. Not very helpful when faced now with conveying that decision. That three halves part of her really sort of just thought it would solve itself. It was a simple choice she made. It should be a simple thing to explain.

It was in fact not simple. The words escaped her. Now it wasn’t her body that was running away. And she had no way of grasping words, it was like water running between her fingers.

“Was it something that you wanted to talk about? Something work or project related?” She kind of shook head both ways becoming a diagonal. Her head was almost going into an elliptical loop. “What was it?”

The moment of truth for her. He stared down at her, confused and politely waiting. Always polite and naively unaware. It was a rather charming side that she liked about him. He was earnest with her, even when she was running away or causing troubles. There wasn’t a good reason that he should like her. She had been rude too often and yet he still stayed. And now she was going to crush it all.

Awkward silence began to fill in the air between them. She kept thinking that it would be the moment, but then her mouth wouldn’t open. The words wouldn’t come. Her mind was blank.

After about a minute it finally broke with him again. “You know speaking usually helps to convey what you want to say.” He smiled at her as she looked up at him. She sheepishly nodded to him. “That’s still not speaking,” he teased. She shook her head.

Noriko squatted down, unable to believe that she was having so much trouble just talking to him. ‘What am I doing? I just have to talk. Even when things were awkward on the dates I could speak. Why can’t I now? This is important! I have to tell him.’

Through her thoughts, Noriko felt something warm and stabilizing on her. It radiated outward from a single point like a hot press for a sore muscle. She pulled away from her thoughts to see that Hiroyuki knelt down next to her trying to comfort her. “If you can’t talk about it right now.”

“No!” Her eyes went wide as she finally managed to utter something rather than rattling her skull around like a bobble head. With that release, she just collapsed to the floor. “I suck!”

Hiroyuki shifted around a little to her side sitting down as she laid out on her back. “My instinct is to say no, but I’m lacking the context that you have.”

“I know. I’m terrible.”

“You’re not.”

“Thought you were holding back your instincts.”

“That one slipped out.”

“Ah, if it’s just the one.”

“No promises.” She turned her head looking over at him. “If you’re going to keep being self-depriating I’ll rebuttal.”

“No promises.” They smirked and laughed. She knocked her head against the floor seeing the ceiling.

“What’s bothering you?”

“I thought I was ready, but it turned out that I’m still a coward.” She paused and looked over at him. “Not going to rebut that?”

“You have to say something wrong first.”

“Ouch. You’re more twisted than I knew.”

He smiled again. “Glad it’s helping.”

“Thanks.” She realized that her words were finally coming with ease. Something that should have been simple wasn’t. But now she could finally say it. The tension was gone. “But I have been running away. I was uncertain, lost or confused. Maybe just in denial. Not even sure anymore. I was making up excuses.”

Noriko pulled herself up and sat on the floor to look straight at him. She could do it finally. “I don’t think I can do this anymore, Hiroyuki. I was going along with it, though saying that makes it sound worse, but I was trying to understand my feelings. But it’s not you. Don’t worry, it’s definitely me. I’m the problem. I don’t want to keep leading you on. You deserve better than someone like me. I’m just a silly pathetic woman that runs away to her apartment every night. I just don’t think it was ever going to work out. I’m too afraid.” She rolled her head around. “I think I just hit the bingo on clichés haven’t I? I’ve read too much…”

She looked to see how Hiroyuki reacted. The assumption was more than obvious. It didn’t need to be spelled out. Though to her surprise, he seemed more contemplative than she expected. Did what she say not make sense? It was a ramble. “Hiroyuki?”

“Can I ask why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you think that you’re wrong for me? Why do you look down on yourself so much?”

“Because it’s true. You don’t know me. I do!”

He leaned in, not quite putting a hand on her, but close. “I may not know everything about you, but I want to.”

“No you don’t. You think you do, but there’s nothing good to find there.”

“You’re wrong. Noriko, I’ll tell you what I know. What I see. You’re kind, supportive, hard working. You’re always there for everyone. You get that cute little bounce in your shoulders when you panic. The glow you get in your eyes when you’re excited. The big grin when Maiko and you are chatting and you think no one notices.”

“Stop!” She was already holding her hands over her face. If she was any redder she’d be a tomato. “That’s so embarrassing.” Noriko peaked around her fingers seeing him leaning around to be seen.

“I’ve been paying attention to you for a while. It was hard for me to ask you out, but it wasn’t hard to decide. It’s always been you.”

“You’re making it really hard to hold my ground.”

“Good. Because we’re all our worst critics. I’ve seen you. I know anything I don’t know about you won’t change, unless you’ve killed someone.” She shook her head. “Then you're safe.”

“But…”

“But nothing.” She slowly lowered her hands, though her face still was screaming hot from the embarrassment. “Is it about your hobby with Maiko?” Immediately all the blood drained out of her face. She nearly felt lightheaded with how fast the blood ran out of her. “It’s hardly a secret. Though maybe exercise a little more discretion. Fantasies are one thing, but with real people it gets a little off putting.” A scream ripped through her internally as she completely locked up.

The scream actually came out and stunned Hiroyuki for a moment.

She started trying to crawl on the floor like she could pull up the carpet and hide. It wasn’t working. Now she really needed to escape.

A small laugh started to enter her ears that overcame her impulses until it was so loud and deep that she didn’t even know where it was coming from. She stopped and looked up to see Hiroyuki looking like he was dying. He had laughed before, she saw it many times. This was different, pure and unguarded. But not at her. Why wasn’t it at her? “Hiroyuki?”

He sighed, finally stopping to catch his breath. “You’re so cute when you let your guard down. It’s rare to see. I love it.”

“What? But I’m awful. I’m—“

Hiroyuki leaned in becoming completely serious. His face was centimeters from hers, but it didn’t feel intrusive. She didn’t understand it. It felt comforting for some reason. She wanted to know why. “You’re beautiful. All of you. You love what you love. I wouldn’t take any of that away from you. It makes you more charming. I love seeing you glow up like that. So never say that about yourself again.”

She blinked. That was the man she knew. Honest and earnest to a fault. He could still be playful, but he wasn’t lying. She thought only someone like Maiko could accept her. Had she liked women, Maiko would have been the perfect girlfriend. But Hiroyuki was in front of her. He was in front of her.

And then she leaned in and kissed him. Almost immediately, she pulled back not realizing what she was doing. Her face turned red again. She looked side to side for answers. “What’s wrong with me?”

He laughed again, though it was soft and inviting. “Does that mean you’re taking back your rejection?” He smiled at her. It made her blush like a teenager. She could only nod. “Good, because I wasn’t going to accept it. I love you.”

Noriko smiled uncontrollably. He meant it. He really meant it. And she could feel it as well. It was warm and foggy. She didn’t know what she was feeling anymore. She dropped her head against him. “I can stay.”

“Your whole life. Just not here, I think there’s a meeting in five.” She laughed. But he was right. Maiko was right.

She was right.