Misao - when are you going to say yes?

‘Hanagawa, would you go out with me?’

‘Hanagawa, want to go on a date?’

‘Hanagawa, my parents won’t be home tonight.’

‘Do you like karaoke?’

‘Say ‘ahh’.’

‘Wait, why not?’

‘But we’re dating, aren’t we?’

‘When are you going to say yes?’

The salad tastes bitter, as expected of such a place. I’ve never been one for fast food. Calories notwithstanding, it feels and tastes and smells cheap. I might as well be poisoning myself.

It’s been a while since I last attended a gathering of this kind. I wasn’t single last time. He made sure to let E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E know.

This Niwa kid reminds me of him. Not that I have anything against either of them, really, it’s just… do men all have the same three personalities? Is that it?

Tsukishima mentioned that all of her friends find him attractive, so… let’s see.

…maybe?

He laughs a lot?

He talks to a lot of people?

Broad shoulders? Girls like that, right? But he looks delicate. While wearing heels, Tsukishima is probably taller than him.

I don’t know. I guess his voice sounds nice? I’ve never understood why deep voices are supposed to be attractive.

He… had a deep voice as well? Maybe? I never really noticed. Between him and Niwa, I’d probably choose Niwa because he looks more like a girl.

While Tsukishima fools around, balancing a fork on those lips that took me SO long to perfect, I text my conclusion to her.

“Are you friends?”

I jump. I didn’t even notice someone else sitting beside me. Some guy. Definitely not a middle schooler. “Yeah…” I look away. Back to my phone. Hopefully that works…

…yeah, no, it doesn’t. Who am I kidding? The guy leans his elbow on the table, surrounding me, suffocating me. “So you’re the one who turned Tsukishima into a girl, huh?”

I should’ve brought earphones. “She was always one.”

“You know what I mean.” He shrugged. “Where are you from? I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

“...I guess… I don’t go out that often.” I watch him. Is he attractive? He’s also pretty delicate-looking. Kind of. Those arms could crush me. If I focus on that, I’ll feel like throwing up, and the last thing I want is to ruin Tsukishima’s… I don’t think I can call that flirting, but she’s trying her best.

‘All my friends think he’s hot. Is he? I can’t tell.’

Is she?

I’d ask her through text, but I’d have to get rid of this gorilla. I don’t want to, though; he could be research material. “You should,” he says. “We hang out all the time. Believe it or not, people here are very friendly. Just, uh. Loud.”

“Very loud.”

“Yeah… I don’t know, I’m just saying. Several guys are interested in you, but you’re giving massive ‘stay away from me’ signals.”

Good.

Since I don’t respond, he looks away uneasily. “...but yeah.”

When I reach for my ice tea, I see my hand shaking, so I stop. Did he see? Yes? No? Did anyone see?

It’s weird, but I don’t want to leave. This seat feels like the most comfortable place in the world right now. If I stand up, I’ll pass out. I don’t even mind the noise that much. Sometimes I study while surrounded by it. It’s warm.

When Tsukishima pops her lips next to my ear, I scream. “You weren’t listening,” she says. “Sorry. Niwa was asking if there’s anyone you’ve liked so far. That he can set you up.”

Stupidly, I glance at the guy next to me… only to realize that he’s not there anymore. After I ignored him for long enough, he must’ve left. My stomach twists for some reason. “No one,” I say instead.

“By the way, he rejected me again.”

“...why am I not surprised?”

“I need tips,” she says.

“Ask someone else.”

“Almost everyone I’ve talked to here is a boy, except for Honda, but she’s scary. She’s also single, so I don’t think she’d help. You’re like my only real ally here. It’s fine. I already told Niwa that I’d find someone else.”

“And what did he say?”

“He gave me a thumbs-up.”

Why am I not surprised? Anyway, I guess that means that we’re both man-hunting. “Check your texts,” I say.

She does. She reads. “Hmm… maybe? I never liked guys with big muscles that much.”

“Because they’re scary?”

“No, I just can’t beat them in a fight.”

“Ah.”

“If I knew what I liked in a guy, I wouldn’t be in this situation,” Tsukishima says. “Also, someone told everyone here that I’ve been rejected nine times. And before that, someone told everyone here that I was going after Niwa. So basically no one has talked to me since. Only people I know already, and they stink.”

“Eleven, if you count the ones today. I don’t know, Tsukishima. Beggars can’t be choosers. Just tell him to wear deodorant.”

Tsukishima rolls her eyes. “It’s a matter of speech.”

“Whatever. Your turn. Share your findings.”

“Huh? Oh. Text.” She stares at her screen. At the ceiling. At the table. “...I’ll ask Yuu.”

“No, I mean—what do you like in a guy? Which ones do you find attractive? Not your friend.”

Tsukishima slumps onto her chair.

Of course.

Of course I was the one taking this seriously.

I know it’s a bad idea the moment the thought surfaces. The moment I stand up. The moment I say, “Be right back. Toilet.” Yet I do it anyway.

Since public restrooms disgust me, I wash my hands until my fingers get pruny.

Is there something wrong with me?

Is that it?

Why can’t I have fun like everyone else?

Why can’t I talk like everyone else?

Why can’t I make friends like everyone else?

Why?

People suffocate me. But they’re warm. If I hated them, I wouldn’t be here. There’s a chasm between dislike and hate, and while I’m sure that I don’t indulge in the matter, the former evades me.

It’s this simple: I don’t know.

I don’t know how to know.

On my way out the aisle, I bump into someone—or so I’d say if it had been an accident. Niwa, who had been leaning against a wall, scrolling through his phone, now steps in front of me. If I move to the right, so does he. “Yes?” I ask.

“What’s up?”

“You.”

He’s not amused. “If you feel uncomfortable, I can help,” he says. “We’re all friendly. I promise.”

“Yeah.” Friendly and looming.

His smile thins a bit. “Why not tell her that you feel uncomfortable?”

“I don’t.”

“Really now.”

“I don’t,” I say. “Well, aside from you pinning me like this.”

“I’m not pinning you.”

“Why do you keep saying no to Tsukishima? You seem like the kind of guy to run crotchfist into whatever he finds.”

“Hilarious.” He’s not smiling anymore. “How would you feel if someone told you that? Or what, is it okay because I’m a guy?”

“I mean, you’re also pinning me.”

“I am.”

At least he admits it now, I guess. This sucks. I was looking for a reason to dislike him. The nonconsensual kabedon is certainly a factor, so there’s that. I was half-expecting him to flirt with me. “Maybe she does like you,” I say.

He shakes his head, looking away. “To be honest with you, I—”

He flies.

Specifically, a foot connects to his ribs. Then he flies. His body slams against the other wall before he falls onto the ground, flat as a pancake.

Tsukishima, who just kicked him, was gracious enough to take off her heel. As she slides it back on, she asks. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “Sorry. I was trying to steal your man.”

“That’s fine. He was staring at you the entire time anyway. It’s all fine. You can have him if you want.”

“I… uh… Tsukishima?”

Wait, why is she pinning me now? Double kabedon? “I can’t tell,” she says. “I don’t—I don’t know what I like in a guy. Is that weird?”

“...yeah…”

“Right? Then what do I do? But—then why do I like BL?”

I feel like insulting her, but… good question, actually. “I guess I could look into that later. So… what? Do we leave?”

“Do you want to leave?”

“Meh. As you wish.”

“Then,” Tsukishima says, “let’s go.”

“Alright.”

“Thanks for the invite!” She tells Niwa, who’s still on the floor. A few steps later, Tsukishima takes off her shoes. Reminding her how unsanitary that is is almost certainly a futile endeavor, so I let her be. It disturbs me a bit to see her walking barefoot while the temperature is in the single digits, but again, to bring this up will probably lead nowhere.

“...so…”

“...so…” I echo.

“I got rejected four times.”

“Only four?”

“Yeah. Should I have tried more?”

Neither sarcasm nor the weather affect this creature I see. “Would you still ask him out?” I inquire. “After what you saw?”

“Him flirting with you?”

‘How would you feel if someone told you that? Or what, is it okay because I’m a guy?’

“I don’t…”

‘Hanagawa smiles way too much when she talks to boys. Have you noticed?’

‘She’s so fake.’

‘She just likes their attention.’

“I wonder if he was,” I say.

“Probably.”

“Based on what do you make that assumption?”

“Things I’ve heard.”

I grit my teeth. “But they might not be true.”

“Yeah…” Tsukishima falls silent after that. We walk. Where? I don’t know. Why? I don’t know. But we walk. There’s nothing else to do.