01: The girl named Kiritsu Ami

The day of  Kiritsu Ami's funeral was finally here. The rain poured, and the clouds were overcast, contrasting with her personality. I imagined loads of people showed up; friends and family, the lot. 

She was loved by everyone, and unlike me, she never ran out of people to talk with. She was eccentric, lighting up any room she found herself in. This was one of the many reasons she was loved. 

And what did I do? I stayed at home. After all, we weren't close. I always watched from afar, admiring her sheer beauty and bubbly personality. Plus the sheer number of attendees proved her life meant something. They didn't have room for an outsider, or that's what I told myself anyway.

I heard her wake was even more beautiful than the ceremony. People talked about her life and all the people she changed—something I understood myself. 

She was my crush, and I had what you might call unrequited love. She was popular, and I was the person everyone in class never knew existed. 

I was still in high school, so I'd have to leave my room eventually, but since it was summer break... that was a thought I put on the back burner. 

                                                                                 ***

It was morning, a few days after the ceremonies had passed. I knew she was gone, yet I couldn't get this indescribable guilt off my chest—Like I left a few too many things unsaid. I lay in the confines of my bed; this was my sanctuary. 

Her death didn't exist here; death itself didn't exist where I was. How do I deal with the grief? I ignored it. Pretended it didn't exist. I would read manga and watch the world pass by. That was my form of escape. 

My favourite pastime was seeing who would get with who at the end of the 'will they won't they phase.' And most times I would get it right. 

Reading about fictional couples was safe. No heartbreak, no unsaid feelings, and no death. In the pages of a book, no one left without saying goodbye. And those that did, the author could always choose the outcome. 

Unfortunately, such pretenses don't exist in this world. 

But even then, the way of life forces you to move on, and that was something I didn't want to accept. 

Even when no one talked to me, she was there to make my day a bit easier. She treated me the same as she did everyone else. 

She'd smile at me at the gate and say stuff like:

"Hey, you..." Followed by a giggle.

Or when we'd sit next to each other, she'd share her textbooks if I ever forgot mine. 

"So why should I give that up?"  

That was one of many cruel questions I would ask myself.

By the time I finished the book, it was already evening. I did what I always did and closed my open blinds before resting my head on the soft pillow beneath me. 

The night light was next. I reached over and switched it off. I often kept it on as I liked sleeping with a bit of light, but tonight I decided otherwise. 

My room was quiet—too quiet, in fact.  

There wasn't a single sound that could break me from such silence. And despite not really liking the dark, it was quite comfortable. 

click

I heard something in the distance; it was wrong. Nobody should've been there. 

Then the light I had just turned off flickered back on. I should've been scared, yet I just lay there. 

There was a breeze, although I had closed the window before I rested. 

"Hey Kiritsu-san, that's not you, is it?"

I thought it was a dream, so I called out to confirm or deny any suspicions I had.  

"Hehe, hey, you..."

A beautiful girl appeared by my bedside. She was the spitting image of her. Orange hair that trailed down her back, with the same red ribbon that she'd wear every day, accompanied by the same white floral dress that was supposedly in her funeral photos. 

"So it really is a dream," I mumbled to myself.

 It was nice that it was her, but unfortunately, that confirmed where I was in was most likely a dream. If it was, though, then i'd just have to make the most out of it; that's how I felt. 

"If it's a dream, could I do this?"

The dream-like Ami pinched my cheeks. For whatever reason, I felt it. 

"But if it's a dream, how could I feel it?" 

I rubbed the spot where she had pinched. A red mark sat there, also confirming that what she had done was real. 

"Because I'm real." She smiled that same heart-melting smile.

I sat up to gather my thoughts. If she was real, then how is that possible? She was meant to be gone. But there she stood. 

Kiritsu Ami stood tall in my bedroom—looking as beautiful as the day she left. Then I looked down. For whatever reason, she held something in her hand. 

A red notebook. 

The reason it caught my attention? It had her name spelt out in golden writing; both on the spine and the cover. 

"So f you're Kiritsu... is that-"

"It's my notebook."

Before I finished asking about it, she told me. She outstretched her hands and bowed, placing it in my hands. 

Inside were drawings that she had done and various other things. There was a loose page that was on the verge of falling out, so i held my hand on top to stop it from falling.

Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough and the page drifted to the floor. It was crumpled and had tearings all through it, but it was still intact enough to make out the writing. She quickly bent down trying to hide what was written, but it was too late. 

[Bucket list: Things I want to do before I die.]

From what I heard, she was always sickly even when she was alive; that's what made it sadder. 

"Kiritsu..."

She acted flustered and hid the piece of paper behind her back.

"Did you see it?"

She fidgeted her hands back and forth, waiting for my answer. I had seen it and I didn't want to lie to her, so I responded as such. 

"Yeah."

She sighed, revealing the scrunched-up piece of paper. Unfolding it, it had things like [Go fishing] or [Go to a summer festival and watch the fireworks] 

"Kinda Ironic, isn't it? A dead girl carrying this thing around."

She spoke with a forced smile—one that almost looked desperate. 

"So this is all the stuff you want to do?" 

I already got enough confirmation; I just asked to make sure I heard her correctly. 

"...All the stuff I never got to do, more like."

I'll never forget the look she had that day; it was cold and sad. A stark contrast to her bubbly persona. When I heard that, it broke me. She had died without completing the things she wanted to do, just like she had died before I got the courage to tell her how I feel. 

I gained the courage and asked her this:

"Do you want me to help you?"

Ami blinked before smiling back at me.

"I thought you'd never ask..."