Regret Is Not An Option

Natsume’s ego was hurt. He was unable to change the woman he loved. He was unable to help her out. What disappointed him the most was that she didn’t even try to follow the rules he set for her.

‘I’m sure, if she followed them, she could be happy. At least her life would be less painful. Even if that is not the case, these are good practices; they will obviously benefit her in some or the other way. She didn’t even try. She didn’t bother at all. Actually, it makes sense. Just because I don’t look like her imaginary prince charming, she doesn’t even bother to listen to me. I can’t even believe she rejected me like that. Ugh...’

Since that night, he hadn’t talked to her at school. He had blocked her number and cut all ties with her. They would pass by each other in school but he would ignore her and continue talking to his other friends.

Natsume was a humble person. He knew where he stood, and how good other people were at different tasks. He was well aware of how others were really good at certain tasks or qualities. But probably on the inside, he still thought of himself as superior.

Rather, he was scared to be the inferior person. He hated the feeling of having his self-esteem crashed to the ground. The rejection that night, made Natsume feel like that, thus justifying his actions of cutting her off and distancing himself from her. The inner ego that had always protected him from any sort of hurtful situations now seemed to have backfired upon him.

---

“Seems like some girls witnessed the formation of a new couple.”, Rumi said. “Ryuga Sugita and Yui Itsuki. Sounds good together right? Well, it’s all gossip anyways.”

“Wait what? Tell me more!”, Natsume suddenly leaned forward, “What happened between them?”

“Oho, look who’s so interested? It’s not often that you show interest in gossip, haha.”, she said with a smirk on her face.

“Just tell me!”

“Well, I overheard some girls talking. Looks like some of the girls from our class spotted both of them on a date together at a restaurant. Not just any restaurant, but a very fancy restaurant in Shibuya. In fact, I heard they have been dating for a year now, I guess.”, Rumi said.

All the pieces started to fit together. Everything started making sense now to Natsume. When she smiled while looking out of the window, it was no one else but Ryuga Sugita who was in the corridor.

The rejection also made more sense now. Everything happened not because Natsume wasn’t like her imaginary prince charming, but because she had already found her prince charming.

“Depressed girls are fragile; it’s easier to make them fall in love with you. Take care of her a little bit, shower some sympathy and you’ve got a girl head over heels for you. Haha, she probably calls him ‘Soft’, ‘Caring’ and ‘Loving’.”, Natsume said.

“Depressed? Look at her right now…Does she seem depressed to you?”, Rumi said as she pointed towards Yui.

Yui was smiling. Natsume knew it. It was a genuine smile, just like the last time he had seen.

Natsume had helped her a little bit in making friends, but there wasn’t much progress back then. Now she was surrounded by few friends. She had struggled to make friends that time and now she was reaping the benefit.

She looked even more beautiful now, smiling and laughing with her friends. But the reason for her happiness wasn’t him, it was Ryuga.

“Oh, I gotta pee. You wanna come with me to the restroom? Haha.”, Natsume said.

“Yuck, pervert! Get lost!”, Rumi shouted and laughed with Natsume.

He took off to the restroom in a hurry. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He reached the restroom which was empty as usual. Not many students used the restroom during class. He stood in front of the mirror and washed his face multiple times and then looked at the mirror.

‘Ahh, it all makes sense now. Ryuga was the prince and all I did was meddle between their love? This sucks! Like really? Ryuga? Out of all the people, Ryuga? I’ve never liked him. He’s definitely a piece of shit. But yea…it all makes sense now. If Ryuga wasn’t there, if she had followed my rules, would she be this happy? I’m sure I could have made her happier.’

Natsume looked at the mirror now. His whole face was wet with the water that he had splashed on his face. But he couldn’t hold it in. A heavy stream of tears burst out and flowed down his cheeks.

‘Huh? What is this? Am I crying? Why?’

His tears camouflaged along with the water that he used to wash his face. Even after drying his face with a tissue, his face remained wet. His tears wouldn’t stop flowing down.

‘This is bad. Why is it affecting me so much? I never liked her anyways.’

Natsume’s jealousy intensified. He got desperate. He needed to heal his shattered inner ego, even if it meant doing something horrible. His ego, like a castle of glass, was now all shattered, leaving him defenceless and vulnerable.

His jealousy began to take control of him. He couldn’t just sit around and look inferior. Every time he saw her being happy and smiling, he was reminded of how inferior he was.

Another man was able to do what Natsume couldn’t. He hated this feeling. Eventually, he began to hate her smile. He hated it when she was happy. After all, it was a constant reminder of how inferior Natsume was.

But Natsume knew what to do. Even if it was scummy or despicable, if it healed his shattered ego, he would do it. If her smile constantly reminded him of his inferiority, then he just had to crush that smile.

Seeing her being happy with someone else would make him lose control of himself. He didn’t want to lose control, even if it meant trampling on her hopes of a new journey. Clearly, his jealousy had completely taken over.

Natsume had a picture of her walking down the street with a random boy from another school. He had taken this picture long back. Seeing this picture, he instinctively shared it amongst his friends on social media anonymously, creating a rumour that she was cheating on Ryuga.

‘Is she two-timing him?’
‘Omg! I knew it from the beginning.’

‘She’s that kind of person?’

‘What an attention seeker. She probably just wants guys to look at her.’

There was gossip all around. People never bothered to check who was spreading the rumours. The rumours spread within seconds, and no one knew that the root cause was Natsume himself. Using his popularity, Natsume silently fueled the fire, thus making it much more widespread and believable.

The few friends Yui had struggled to make, now left her and went away. She was all alone again. She stopped smiling anymore. School life just became more and more painful for her. Dispelling the rumours was impossible, especially because Natsume kept fueling them from time to time.

Natsume now had no information regarding Yui since her friends left her. Her depression worsened day by day due to the toxic school atmosphere. Her smile had completely faded away and her eyes became dull, losing their lustre. She probably cried herself to sleep every night.

----

A few weeks later, Natsume was walking down the hallway when he suddenly bumped into Ryuga. He tried ignoring him and walking away when he heard him shout, “You are a piece of shit for spreading false rumours about Yui!”

No one knew who spread the rumour, except Yui and Ryuga since Yui knew that the picture was taken by Natsume long back.

Hearing those words ignited Natsume’s rage.

“It was surprisingly pretty easy. People are stupid; they are just desperate for entertainment. Society is selfish; we all just want something to make our lives less boring, even if it’s the wrong thing, even if it hurts others.”, Natsume said.

“YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!”, Ryuga shouted and charged towards Natsume.

Natsume dodged and kicked him in the stomach. “We both are the same, you and me. We both cannot empathize with her. It’s a deadly cycle. She will be hurt again.”

Natsume knew he was lying. He knew that he was telling this only to convince himself. He knew it all, yet he couldn’t stop his inner rage.

“Unlike you, I can empathize with her. And you should be the last one to tell me not to hurt her.”, Ryuga said as he tried punching Natsume in the face.

“People ask you how you are, but they never expect a negative response. They just don’t care. The difference between you and me is that you can ask that question and I can’t. In the end, we both are the same.”, Natsume said as he grabbed both of Ryuga’s fists and pushed him to the wall.

“I can actually help her. If I were unable to help her, then I’d leave her life. My existence would just cause pain to her. I WOULDN’T HURT HER LIKE HOW YOU DID!”, Ryuga shouted.

Somewhere Natsume saw a little bit of himself in him. Ryuga was a better version of Natsume, empathetic and caring. Natsume just couldn’t accept it.

His rage intensified, and he grabbed Ryuga’s collar and punched him with all his might. Ryuga stumbled but still remained standing up. Natsume kicked him in the stomach again. Ryuga bent over to clench his abdomen when suddenly Natsume grabbed his shoulders and kneed his face. Ryuga fell to the ground, his nose bleeding.

People started flocking to watch them fight, some ran to call the teachers, but no one came to stop them.

Natsume sat on top of Ryuga’s chest and punched his face. “LOOK! No one is stopping us! People indeed are just desperate for entertainment.”

Ryuga stopped resisting but Natsume was not satisfied.

He continued to punch Ryuga in the face again and again. “No one is coming to save you. You are alone too. Just like me. LOOK! In the end, we all are just lone wolves on the snowy mountain top. You, me, we are all alone.”

Ryuga was no match for Natsume. Natsume had completely beaten Ryuga up, but he wasn’t satisfied. His ego still remained shattered.

Ryuga stopped moving. His whole face was now red from all the blood flowing from his nose.

Natsume screamed and continued to punch his face when Yui came rushing through the crowd and pushed Natsume off Ryuga. She checked to see whether Ryuga was injured, and then looked at Natsume and shouted, “Stop it Natsume! Do you enjoy hurting others? Look at what you have done!”

That’s where all his guilt surfaced. Those lines kept repeating themselves again and again in his head.

When she said that, Natsume ran away from the hallway. On reaching home, tears began to flow down his cheeks uncontrollably. He still couldn’t comprehend it. The reason for his weird actions, his abnormal reactions, his overflowing tears and intense jealousy, he couldn’t understand any of it. He had just become the villain of the story.

---

Natsume was given a two-week suspension notice for breaking Ryuga’s nose and fighting in school. Yui never ended up making friends after the spread of those rumours. She remained lonely till the very end of middle school, with only Ryuga as her sole source of happiness. The deadly cycle had continued.

Natsume’s suspension was almost over. He spent the entire two weeks trying to comprehend his actions. Guilt was probably the most dominant emotion he felt during the two weeks he spent at home.

He knew it. He was just jealous of Ryuga. He was arrogant and didn’t want to accept reality. Rather, he was too arrogant to accept reality, so he trampled on Yui’s dreams for his personal satisfaction. He was well aware of how flawed he was.

He stood in front of the mirror in his room.

‘People change. I have introspected and vowed to change myself. There is no point in feeling guilty and wallowing in the past. I’ve committed atrocities in the past. Regret is not an option. The only choice is to move forward. I will move forward. I will change myself. One day, I will find true love. Unlike these teenage relationships out there, I will find something genuine. I will think, writhe, struggle and find something genuine.’

His expression changed from a serious tone to a face displaying omnipotence. He looked at the mirror and laughed.

“Haha, isn’t that obvious? After all, I am the Great Love Philosopher.”