Philosophy Babble

“And the rest is history.” Zircon concluded as he stirred his tea absently. “I wasn’t planning on becoming friends. I wanted to despise him but, once I saw his true nature, all my hatred melted away.” He closed his eyes in reflection. “Really, it’s not like me. But Azreal...hmmm I can’t explain it in words. There’s just something about his inner nature and mind that’s so rare. It’s fascinating, really. He’s killed people and helped terrorize the entire continent, but he’s still so... pure. He’s done bad things, yes. Being pure isn’t the same thing as being entirely sinless. Thank God for that, because we’d all be screwed if the only way to be considered a good person was to have never done anything bad. I mean, I’m authorized to judge humans because of my age and experience, but that doesn’t mean that I never used my powers for selfish ends when I was young and inexperienced. Knowing ethics and morality doesn’t stop you from being human and, God, I’ve worked for some people I shouldn’t have and done things I with my powers that they never should have been used for.” He shook his head, as if to knock the memories out of his brain.

“You have?” Mari asked, raising her eyebrows in shock as she sipped her tea. Though delivered in a snarky way, she was genuinely surprised that the man in front of her would fall in with tyrants. For as acidic and biting as his tone could be, he seemed, for lack of a better word, harmless. Not the sort of man who'd care about power, money, or what others thought of him. “I’m a wizard, not an angel.” Zircon noted drily. He spun a spoon between his fingers, intentionally looking elsewhere “For instance, I caused natural disasters to kill what a Lord described to me as a violent mob roaming the countryside and terrorizing his people without cause. Turned out, they were peasants who revolted because the Lord exploited them allowed his men to torture and rape the powerless people under his rule with impunity. Meaning, I crushed and drowned people fighting for a righteous cause who just wanted to protect their fellows from being abused." Left unspoken was the implication that he may have very well killed survivors of a tyrant out for justice.

Mari’s mouth fell open in horror “Yeah. I don’t dislike people just for shits and giggles. And that was one of the tamer instances of my misuse of my powers. I wasn’t born with my ability to see through human nature and read people. That came from both honing my innate magical skills and, unfortunately, firsthand lived experience.” Zircon sighed and leaned back in his chair. “A lot of it is my powers, but my experiences were what drove me to study so much that I could parse the nature and motivations with near perfect accuracy."  Mari stared at the mage, not sure what she should say. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. That you were so desperate to be able to trust and understand people that you had to use your magic." "I appreciate the pity, but it's unnecessary", Zircon tossed his spoon onto the table with a clatter. "It is what it is. I was born with unsurpassed magical power waiting to be harnessed and directed but, at the same time, what I went through shaped me and my craft. It made me who I am, and there's a lot of research and magecraft that exists because of me that wouldn't exist if the world hadn't shaped me in the way it did." 

Mari didn't know what to say after such deep admissions. Luckily; as if his brain had started chugging along at a rapid pace and overthrown his mouth; Zircon took up the conversation after a beat.

"Humanity and the nature of life are...mentally and emotionally exhausting to deal with. I'm much happier in my own little curated world here and, anyway, I'm far more productive and beneficial to humanity when I'm immersed in my work. I'd just rather not, you know? But that doesn’t mean I can’t recognize and appreciate true goodness and kindness in others. The only reason that I didn’t just give up, lay down, and die a few hundred years ago is because there is good out there. There are beautiful and happy things. They’re small, but they’re out there. Not that it's much, by my assessment, but it’s not so sparse and bleak that I’m ready to admit defeat yet.” Zircon propped his chin on his hand and gazed off absently. “Oh, so that’s why you’re so fond of Az.” Mari realized as she bit into a hard cookie. ‘Zircon is a contradictory man. He’s both exhausted and cynical, but he still cares deep down. In a way, he's like Azreal...just grouchier and more mentally stable. They're both broken people who've put themselves back together but are still haunted by their brokeness.’

“Ooh, this is good!” She shoved the rest of the cookie into her mouth. She had no idea where the pastries had come from or how zircon got them, but they were tasty either way! “He’s an insanely special and cool person. Like, to be pure and righteous enough to see a unicorn as an adult? It’s incredibly rare. But a grown man being able to see one? In my peoples recorded history, that’s never happened before. Like, usually it’s only nuns or other clergy women that are able to see us. Well, unless some sort of dark magic is involved, but we don’t talk about that teeny little exception.” She snatched another cookie off the plate. “But, the key thing is that I can’t state how special Azreal is without sounding like I’m just whitewashing his character, given his past and all. It almost sounds like I’m being selectively oblivious. But he’s real, and he is who he is, and that’s what made me fall in love with him. Just seeing through him was all it took.” She inhaled the cookie. “It's good to meet someone who can understand. It’s so hard to talk about these things with people who don’t understand what it’s like to just know how someone is on a spiritual and existential level. The natures of humans are so real and tangible to me, I can nearly reach out and touch them, but it’s such a rare power that I sound like I’m unfairly psychologically projecting positive qualities onto Az or evil intentions onto random people to the casual observer.” She pointed her third cookie at the mage. “But you can ‘see’ a lot of the same stuff I do, and you know that I’m not insane. That’s a relief, honestly. Do you know how isolating and lonely it is to be a unicorn? To be the only creature in existence that can 100% judge the natures of people accurately in a world where people put on dozens of different masks every single day? You’re not a holy creature, but you have similar abilities. Well, and you have the cynicism and hatred for humans that most unicorns have.” Dispensing with chewing altogether, Mari showed the cookie whole into her mouth, much to Zircon’s irritated shock. “Hey, ‘hate’ is a rude way to put it! And, holy crap, how can you eat like that?”

“Okay, fair.” Mari pouted slightly. “I guess you don’t hate people...more than a teennnyyyy little bit, anyway. It’s not comparable to unicorns deciding to give up on humans all together and live in isolation. Or the way some of my family flat out looked forward to God’s return because they wanted him to slaughter all humans. Yeah, my family is...something....there’s a reason why I prefer humans to my own kind.” She cringed at the shocked look on Zircon’s face. “I guess it’s the same for us. We’re holy creatures, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be hateful and racist. I’d like to think that not every tribe is like that but...well we’re few and far between, and my family and all the tribes we were in contact with were like that. It was enough that I was treated like I had two heads for not sharing the same sentiments.”

Zircon studied Mari in curiosity. ‘She did concede to being a stray that Azreal picked up and that his family is the only real family she’s ever known. She might not have lived in the sort of explicitly violent hell that Azreal did, but what exactly has this creature suffered? Ironically for someone who can see through human nature, she’s skilled at masking and can hide it from even herself, but her family clearly did a number on her sense of self. She’s not as severe a case as Azreal but...I get the sense that they’re far more alike than they realize.’ He muttered to himself.

“What was that?” Mari demanded with an edge to her voice. “Ah, I was just thinking that we really can’t judge books by their cover. You have more experience and insight than is readily apparent and can see right through people. Even without your supernatural insight, you seem to be good at understanding people, even if you can’t always pick up the nuances of human behavior without explicit instruction. You have your blind spots and weaknesses but...you’re a quick learner and have a certain way with other people.” Mari turned red with embarrassment, not quite able to tell if the wizard was being serious or just buttering her up as deflection. “No, really. It's enjoyable and it’s good to talk about these sorts of ideas and concepts explicitly.” Zircon began.

“Human nature, morality and divine law are just so interesting! But they're also intrinsic to the nature and development of all complexly sentient creatures , but we don’t like to talk about it. We act like it’s something embarrassing; something only scrupulously religious people, prudish old folks or high-level scholars who are out of touch with normal people talk about. But the truth is, we make moral decisions and choose what values we’ll live by every day. We judge every person we interact with using both complex and shallow markers. We judge ourselves and our actions and are either harsher or more lenient on ourselves than we are on others. We act like morality and human nature are touchy-feely, fluffy subjects, despite making choices about them every single day of our lives. It’s not like I’m speaking in any high level academic or magical terminology than only specialized experts could comprehend, but people would think I’m insane or speaking in an unknown language if I talked like this in public. Like, our true natures, why we’re alive and the concept of why doing the right thing matters are so important and functional to our humanity and our being! But we don’t ever want to talk about those concepts! At least not regularly or with the depth and reverence they deserve!” The archmage waved his hands wildly, expressing his enthusiasm. “That’s part of the whole reason why I find Azreal fascinating! I like him as a person, of course, but he’s also such an amazing case study! Despite what a nightmare his life was and the painful wounds it’s left, he’s so uncommonly focused on caring about others. His love for God and humanity is something I can’t understand; how can someone who’s been treated the way he has still care about other people? How can he trust anyone? But he does, and he’s better at putting the good of others first than some of the priests I’ve met! And it seems so natural to him, too. It’s so curious how both great pain and imperfection and so much warmth and hope can exist in the same person! I-Oh, ummmm....” Zircon suddenly looked at Mari’s gigantic eyes.

“Uh-oh. I think I broke you. I may have overstepped and over did it.” Zircon fretted. Mari blinked slowly. “No, not broken. Just taking in a lot of information at once.” She sipped slowly from her teacup, trying to shake off her mental overstimulation. “But I get what you’re saying, I think. That dichotomy in Azreal's nature and how his mind functions is interesting, but also pretty sad. Like, as much as we love each other and as attached as we’ve become, Az still struggles so much to express himself and believe that I actually do love him. He’s constantly acting like I’m going to leave him if he lets any of his feelings out. I knew what I was getting into when I fell in love with him and decided for follow him everywhere, but he just fundamentally cannot get that idea through his head. Like, after he came back home, he needed so badly to get his feelings out about the mission failing and his teammate's death, but he thought I’d think he was oversensitive and crazy for expressing his emotions out loud. No, not just that. He didn’t say it aloud, but he clearly thinks that, if he talks about his past and the trauma he has, then I’ll change my mind. Like he's just waiting for the day I decide he’s evil and walk out. But I literally saw his soul! I don’t know every single thing about him, and I did see how complex and contradictory he was...but I also saw how kind he was and that’s why I fell in love with him. He’s human, yes, but he’s still so good. He’s an interesting “case study”, as you put it, but that's not something exclusive to him. I could go off on a whole tangent about the irony and pitfalls of holy beings like unicorns thinking themselves superior and wishing for the death of a whole race because they think they have nothing good in them!” She ran her finger around the rim of her cup and gave a laugh that was a bit self conscious. "I think about God, morality, ethics, and human nature all the time, too. I feel the same way you do. Why don't humans talk more about those things? After all, they're made in the image of God, so that sort of stuff matters! But they dance around the deeper purpose and meaning to their lives and the significance of humanity, just like Azreal tries to dodge around his pain and real human emotions."

Mari carefully picked up her cup, afraid that the fragile, ornate thing might crumble in her hands.“But, as natural as those things are for me to think about...well, me being a divine and functionally immortal being and all, my brain operates differently. I'm like a human, but I'm not, and not even I can exactly comprehend why or explain it. But in addition to that, there’s something about me that’s...off...compared to other unicorns. I’m just the kind of person who’s always in my own head. Kind of have to be, because I had no one to talk to until recently. My family thought my ideas were stupid and annoying; that I was stupid and annoying. In some ways, the method that my brain operates under is more similar to yours than it is to even my blood relatives. If nothing else, we can understand each other pretty clearly. I have deeper insight and stuff because I was created with a special connection to God and am allowed to manifest his power. Your deeper insight is a combination of being born with a higher level of perception, having a long life of experience and your magic. The origins are different, but our brains both operate on higher planes and our planes of specific operation are running diagonal to each other.”

‘'Perhaps, it’s more than that? Maybe me and Zircon operate on a level that only a few dozen people in all of existence have or will. I’ve met plenty of wizards, and Zircon isn’t the first or only world-weary one. And even if unicorns are rare, there are still a few hundred of us scattered around and, with the exception of unicorn children being more openminded and calm because they’re young, my mindset isn’t the norm. Forget whether my views and mindset are good or bad; I’m definitely abnormal because I’ve genuinely never met any unicorn even fraction like me. Maybe I am just exceptional, and my species has nothing to do with it; it just makes my exceptionality more obvious due to the culture I was born into. But exceptionally odd people like me exist scattered throughout all races and species, and Zircon is one. Maybe Az is one, too. At least a little bit. His emotionality, morality and spirituality are stronger than the average human’s and he’s more open about those qualities of his, too, his secretive nature notwithstanding. Maybe that’s why I fell in love with Azreal, why Zircon and Azreal became friends and why I feel so comfortable with Zircon. We’re all weirdos in some way, so we get each other.’

“Hmm, I like your insights, unicorn girl.” Zircon gave a slight grin that struck Mari as being the most genuine one he’d had all day. “I’m lucky that Azreal ended up picking you up on the road! I never thought I’d get to meet a real unicorn! This is probably the most stimulating conversation I’ve had in years, so thanks for that! There’s not exactly a surplus of intelligence on par with mine in this castle and while Azreal is a good friend and fascinating human, he’s no good for stuff like this. Talking theology is about as much as he can do and even then, he’s so damn jumpy and sensitive! Like he can’t even talk in hypotheticals or do thought experiments because he takes it so seriously! Everything is so realistic and emotional to him, and it’s not like he’s had any sort of education. Oh.” The mage waved his hand casually. “I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s not his fault that he never got to go to school, after all. That little back water he lives in doesn’t have a real school, but the kids there are educated better at home than he ever was. I don’t even know how he learned to read or write! I’m running on the theory that he taught himself enough to survive and then either his grandmother or one of the King's ministers completed his knowledge later on. There are things I can and do enjoy talking to him about, but these sorts of topics aren't it, and it’s not like I actively want to make any friends. Azreal was a happy accident, but I’m not going to go debase myself by having to deal with people just so I can have an audience to talk to.” He smirked proudly. “Afterall, my own genius and research projects are enough to keep me occupied!”

‘Yeah, sure. Keep telling yourself that.’ Mari remarked to herself. ‘He has even less social skills than Az. Zircon’s just a big nervous baby who’s scared and puffing himself up like a cat to look more intimidating.’ She finished her tea. “Allow me.” Zircon swiftly refilled her cup, and Mari clasped the warm porcelain gratefully. The mage was a gracious host, she could give him that. “Thanks! You were right, moonberries make an amazing tea! It’s too bad that it’s so rare and expensive, because I think this is the first tea I actually like.” Zircon topped off his own cup. “Well, you’ll have to make Azreal come visit me more often if you want more, then.” He sat back down, leaning over the side of his chair. “So, this is your first time visiting the capitol, right?” Mari nodded. “I’ve visited Opal periodically in the past, but I’ve only ever been to the outskirts. Since I set off on my own, I’ve been a nomad all over the continent but, growing up, my family had specific places in the wilderness on the outermost edges that we’d rotate between. This is my first time seeing a capital city at all, actually.”

Zircon held out a plate of sandwiches that looked small enough to be doll food. Mari curiously took one and nibbled on it. “Ooh, mint, dill and cucumber!” Zircon held the plate while she scooped up a handful of tea sandwiches, suppressing his desire to laugh. “Well, once you finish eating, how would you like a tour of the palace grounds?” Mari leaned over the table with big eyes. “Really?!” “Yes. Not everyone has the privilege to have a boyfriend who’s in the King’s inner circle! And I’m essentially allowed access everywhere, so I can show you all the good stuff! The architecture and art is simply amazing, and the history behind the palace is fascinating all on its own.”

“I’d love that!” Mari clapped her hands together enthusiastically. “Ah, no rush! Please, remember to chew!” Zircon sighed as he watched Mari eat as fast as she could. ‘This woman wasn’t what I had in mind when I pictured a unicorn, but I think she’s perfect for Azreal. I just hope the fool doesn’t ruin this for himself with his guilt complex and constantly trying to be a martyr to ridiculous degrees! He deserves to know peace, and I think someone like her is the perfect person to show him what happiness really is. Maybe Mari can finally get it through his thick skull that his existence isn’t a crime and he deserves nice things.’