5

The golden light moved around us without wind.

“Is this real?” Hana asked, almost to herself. “No. Can’t be…”

Her voice was exactly as it was the day she passed. And that smile was unmistakable.

“It’s like you never changed,” she said. “The real you would have gotten a new haircut by now. You only did it this way because…”

Her expression turned gloomy.

“Because of you,” I finished for her.

We simply looked at each other. That this was happening at all was precious.

I thought about what Daisuke asked earlier. “Does it hurt?”

"Well…” she smiled a little. “I'm not in pain anymore."

I looked at her for a long time.

"I had a lot of it. So much. Before I…” she hesitated. “Before I did it… I couldn’t think beyond two feet in front of me. Actually, I wasn’t thinking of anybody when it happened. Especially you.”

I let out a small laugh. “Dick move.”

“You know it.”

She closed her eyes.

“I can see things better, you know. In here. How life could’ve been better for me if I just… tried. Instead… I took our life together and made it my own.” She pursed her lips. “I could’ve just talked to you.”

“Hana…” I finally said, feeling tears well.

“Yes, Kenji?”

“You’re saying all the right things, things that I want to hear. But… this thing, this whole thing… I...” I chuckled. “It feels like something I was never meant to hear. Even hearing any of this at all…”

I sniffed lamely. Hana didn’t respond at first.

“You want to leave,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Need to leave, more like. Whatever this is won’t fix what’s wrong with me. This… this kind of thing has to come from inside of me. I will never get out of here if I continue looking through this damn window.” I smiled. “Even if the window has a nice view.”

“Perv. But then… what will happen to…” Then she cut herself off and laughed. “That’s the price I paid for leaving early, I guess. I’ll never know.”

I felt the gold tendrils loosen their grip on my body.

“Say…” I started. “Was this whole thing… was this real at all?”

“You dork,” she smiled. “It was as real as you wanted it to be.”

Then I felt myself fall into a deep sleep.

\\

This was weird.

Why the hell would I drive out here to the middle of nowhere?

I sat in my car for a moment looking at the treeline. I looked for clues only to find myself disappointed. Nada. It didn't look like there was anyone else here with me, either. I must have come alone.

But I can't remember!

I can't conjure up the slightest reason as to why I'd driven forty minutes out of the city at—I checked my maps app—seven in the morning. That would’ve been sad, even for me.

The noise of the Calling was gone at least, so that was a plus.

God…

Everything felt hazy. Gauze over the edges of things.

I scrolled through my phone looking for some explanation. A calendar entry. A message to myself. Something! Surely I wouldn't have just—

…

Goddamnit.

Well, time for some digging then.

My maps app was running in the background. But what I found was even weirder. The GPS history showed a route out here but the destination wasn't coded.

What the hell.

I checked my messages. My recent calls. DMs. Video chats?

Nothing.

I came out here… looking for something. I had a rough time sleeping the past few weeks, and I came out here to solve it… somehow.

I sat with that feeling for a moment before putting the car in reverse.

I didn't know what I'd been looking for out here. I didn't know if I'd found it.

But I felt good for some reason. Some sense of contentment.

Things felt lighter. Clearer. Starting to realize just how much I'd been stumbling through a fog over the last few days...

I picked up my phone.

“Hey, Kenji. Gimme two secs, doing something.” I heard Sachi breathe out. “What’s up?”

“You said whenever, wherever, right?”

There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment, then: “I’m busy right now. But since it’s you… I suppose I can make some time…”

I looked out at the treeline one last time.

It was beautiful out here.

I put the car in drive and headed home.