Fih

One day, Otou-san told me I didn't have to go to school anymore.

"Stay inside, Chi-chan. Don't leave the apartment," he'd say.

I stood there in my pajamas, the ones with the sleeves that almost hung past my fingertips, and waited for the part where he'd say why. But he just looked at Okaa-san, and Okaa-san looked at the door, and neither of them said anything else.

I didn't ask. Asking meant talking, and talking meant messing up words that came out wrong no matter how right they felt in my head. Asking meant their eyes on me, waiting, and I hated that feeling more than anything.

Besides, no school meant no Weirdo Chiyu.

That's what they called me in the bathroom between classes, in the hallway when they thought I couldn't hear. Weirdo Chiyu who couldn't look anyone in the eye. Weirdo Chiyu who drew anime characters in the margins of her homework. Weirdo Chiyu who ate lunch in the bathroom stall because she didn't like classrooms.

So when Otou-san said to stay home, I was happy.

No school meant all day for anime, too.

I had my laptop, the old one Onii-chan gave me when he got his new one a couple years ago. The screen had a crack in the corner, but it worked fine. On there there's folders full of episodes I'd downloaded before. Magical girls and slice-of-life ones and the one about the girl who could talk to cats. I could watch them over and over until I knew every line, every little detail that no one else would bother noticing.

The kids at school would be so jealous. Their parents probably made them do homework and go to cram school and practice piano. My parents just said stay inside and watch whatever you want.

Well, not whatever. The TV was a no-no.

Otou-san unplugged it the same day he told me stay home, wrapping the cord around the back and pushing it against the wall like it might try to turn itself on.

"Don't touch this, Chi-chan. Understand?"

I nodded, but I didn't understand why. The screen just sat there, black and dusty, and sometimes I'd look at it and wonder what was so bad about it. But Otou-san's voice when he said it wasn't the normal voice. It was the voice he used when Onii-chan tried to go outside that one time.

So I didn't touch it.

After a while, I forgot the TV was even there. It became like that exercise bike Okaa-san used twice before giving up. Besides, why would I need it when I had my laptop?

Magical girls saved the world between breakfast and lunch. Slice-of-life characters did cute things during the afternoon. The cat-talking girl kept me company until dinner.

Sometimes I wished Onii-chan would watch with me. We used to do that, back before Otou-san said to stay inside. He'd sit next to me on the couch and laugh at the funny parts, or pause to explain something I didn't get.

But lately, his door stayed closed all day. I tried knocking on it sometimes.

"Maybe later, Chi-chan," he'd say.

But later never came.

That was ok, though. I had my shows, and there wasn't anyone calling me Weirdo Chiyu.

I was happy.

I was happy, except for the fish.

The fish started the same day Otou-san told me to stay inside. That morning, Okaa-san put grilled fish on my plate and I thought nothing of it. Fish was good. Fish was usually a weekend thing because it cost too much to eat everyday, so having it on a weekday felt special, like a celebration.

Then we had fish the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that.

"Okaa-san, can we have karaage instead?"

She looked at Otou-san. Otou-san looked at the kitchen counter where three more fish sat wrapped in paper.

"But fish is good for you, Chi-chan."

Maybe they wanted me to grow tall? Fish had the good kind of protein, so maybe they thought if I ate enough I'd stop being the shortest in my class. Or maybe it was because fish was brain food, and they wanted me to get smarter so I wouldn't sound so weird when I talked.

I figured out why we ate so much fish when I had to go pee.

The bathroom was next to the kitchen, and on my way back I saw something move near the ceiling. At first I thought it was a bug, maybe one of those big scary roaches, but then I realized bugs don't have fins.

A fish was coming through the vent.

It was just a fish, in the air, wiggling sideways to fit through the vent. Its tail went first, then its body squeezed through like toothpaste from a tube, all shiny and silver with dark strips along its back. It looked like the fish Okaa-san used to buy from the market, except this one was alive and in our apartment and I don't think that was supposed to happen.

I stood there with my hand still on the bathroom doorknob, watching it pop out from the vent and just... float. Like it was underwater except there wasn't any water. It moved its tail back and forth, going toward the corner where Otou-san had stacked all the crates, the ones that appeared right before he told me to stay inside. Cooking oil and canned stuff and rice bags and also the stuff me and Onii-chan liked, the snacks we bought at Owner-san's konbini downstairs.

The fish swam through the air right up to a box of Umaiba, the cheese flavor Onii-chan always got, and started biting at the wrapper.

"H-hey, stop that!"

It didn't stop. Its mouth tore little holes in the plastic.

"That- that's Onii-chan's! He's gonna be m-mad if you eat it!"

The fish ignored me completely, ripping more of the wrapper open. Little cheese puffs started spilling out on to the floor.

Onii-chan was going to be so upset. He'd been saving those, I knew he had, because he only let himself have one stick a week to make them last longer.

I grabbed for the fish, trying to shoo it away.

"Don't touch it!"

It was Okaa-san's voice, angry in a way I'd never heard before. Her hand wrapped around my wrist and yanked me back so hard I stumbled.

"Did you touch it?" Okaa-san crouched down, holding both my shoulders, her face right in front of mine. "Chi-chan, did you touch it?"

I shook my head fast, too scared to speak. My throat closed up like the way it always did when someone looked at me too hard.

"You're sure? Not even a little bit?"

Another shake. My hair fell forward, hiding most of my face.

Okaa-san let out a long breath. "Ok. ok, that's good." She pulled me against her chest for just a second, then let go and stood up. "If you see these fish again, you tell me or Otou-san right away. Don't try to catch them yourself. Understand?"

Why? Why couldn't I touch them? Why were fish swimming through our vents? Why did it matter so much?

But asking meant her eyes on me again, waiting for words that wouldn't come out right. So I just nodded because that's what she wanted.

"Good girl." Okaa-san smiled, but it looked wrong. Like when sensei smiled after I got an answer wrong in class and he was trying not to look annoyed.

She went to the drawer by the sink and pulled out rubber gloves, the yellow ones she uses for cleaning. The fish was still working on the Umaiba stick, completely unaware that Okaa-san was walking toward it. She grabbed it with both hands and it flopped once, twice, then went still.

Okaa-san carried the fish to the kitchen counter where she'd already laid out paper. The fish didn't move anymore as she wrapped it, folding the edges like a present nobody wanted.

"Are we eating it for dinner tonight?"

"Yes." Okaa-san pressed the paper. "I'll steam it, your favorite way."

It used to be my favorite, before I got sick of it. But saying that meant explaining, and explaining meant words tangling in my mouth, so I kept quiet.

Except I didn't.

"If the fish isn't ok to touch, is it ok to eat?"

Okaa-san's face did something ugly, and I knew I'd messed up bad.

"Chi-chan. Steaming it makes all the bad germs go away. So don't worry, ok?"

"O-ok."

She patted my head once, then turned back to the wrapped fish.

I went to my room and tried not to worry, but I worried anyway.

***

Okaa-san didn't get angry often, but when she did, I remembered, like the time with the walls.

I'd been drawing in my notebooks, filling every page with my favorite characters. The magical girls with their transformation sequences, the slice-of-life ones doing normal things like eating lunch or walking home, and the cat-talking girl in her school uniform. When I ran out of pages I used the margins, and when I ran out of margins I used the backs of old homework sheets.

When I ran out of things to draw on, I went to Okaa-san.

"Can I have more paper? For drawing?"

She was sorting through one of the crates, moving cans from one stack to another.

"Not right now, Chi-chan."

"But I don't have any left."

"Later."

I'd learned that later meant never. So I waited one day, then two, then gave up waiting and found a blank wall in my room, the one behind my bed where nobody would see unless they really looked.

I drew the magical girl from my favorite show, surrounded by her friends, all of them smiling the way I wished real people would smile at me. It took hours and I used every colored pencil.

Okaa-san saw it when she came to collect laundry.

"Chi-chan, what did you do?!"

I tried to explain but the words stuck in my throat the way they always do when someone was mad.

"We can't go buy new paint, Chi-chan. We can't repaint the walls."

I didn't understand what she meant, but I understood she was angry, so I stopped drawing on the walls.

But that wasn't the worst time Okaa-san got angry.

The worst time was also the last time I saw her.

I had to go pee again. I always had to pee at night because I drank too much water after dinner, trying to wash the fish taste out of my mouth. The hallway was dark except for light coming from the living room, and voices, loud ones.

I stopped before turning the corner.

"-not going to last!" Okaa-san's voice, angry again "Look at this, just look!"

A cabinet door slammed. Something rattled inside.

"We have enough." Otou-san said, quieter but sounding sure of it.

"Enough? We're down to one bottle of cooking oil, and the rice is almost gone!"

I decided to peek around the wall. Okaa-san stood by the cabinets, the ones Otou-san had packed full that first day. They looked different now, with empty spaces where boxes used to be.

Before, I thought it was weird Otou-san bought so much stuff. It made the apartment feel smaller, with boxes and crates taking up space we used to walk through. Why not just go to the konbini downstairs when we need something? Me and Onii-chan used to stop there after school all the time.

"We need to make a trip." Okaa-san crossed her arms.

"No."

"No? Just no?"

"We can't go outside, I thought that was established."

"Established. What's established is that we're running out of food and you won't do anything about it!"

"We have the fish."

"The fish! Always the fish! What are we supposed to do, stay cooped up in here and eat fish until we die?!"

She stopped. Otou-san's face did something I didn't understand, something that looked like yes without saying it.

Okaa-san stared at him. "You can't be serious."

Otou-san didn't answer.

"Chi-chan's birthday is tomorrow, you know." Okaa-san's voice came out sad and small, not like the angry voice from before.

"What of it?"

"What of it?" Okaa-san repeated Otou-san's words like she couldn't believe he said them. "She deserves something nice. The strawberry shortcake from the bakery near the station, the one she always wants."

"Absolutely not."

"Of course not, you never think about the children!" Okaa-san's hands dropped to her sides. "Never. It's always about what you think is safe, what you think is right, but what about what they need!"

"They need to stay alive!"

"They need to be children! They need birthdays and cake and something other than fish and this apartment!"

A thud. Otou-san must've grabbed her because Okaa-san made a sound like it hurt.

"Let go!"

"You know what's out there."

"I don't care! Let go of me!"

Then the door opened and slammed shut.

Silence.

I stepped around the corner. My legs still shook from holding in the pee, but that didn't matter anymore because Okaa-san was gone and Otou-san was standing by the door with his hand against it like he wanted to follow but couldn't.

"Where...where's Okaa-san going?"

Otou-san turned around fast. His face was wet.

"She's coming back, right?"

Otou-san crouched down in front of me. His hands touched my shoulders, gentle, not like how he grabbed Okaa-san.

"Don't worry, Chi-chan. Okaa-san's just... she's getting your birthday cake. Your favorite, the strawberry one. So you just stay right here, ok? Stay inside like Otou-san tell you."

"But-"

"Stay inside," Otou-san's grip got tighter, not enough to hurt but enough that I couldn't move. "Promise me. No matter what, you stay inside this apartment. Can you promise your Otou-san that?"

I didn't understand why Otou-san was crying about cake, or why his voice sounded like he was saying goodbye, but I nodded anyway because that's what he wanted.

"Good girl." Otou-san pulled me into a hug that lasted too long. "Such a good girl."

When he finally pulled away, his eyes were on the door.

"I'm going to find your Okaa-san. I'll be back with her soon, ok?"

He grabbed his jacket from the hook, the thick one he wore in winter even though it wasn't cold anymore.

"If your brother asks, tell him we went to get your cake."

The door opened and closed before I could say anything else.

I stood in the hallway by myself. The apartment felt too quiet now without Okaa-san and Otou-san's voice. Now it was just that weird sound the vents made because of the fish.

My legs hurt from standing, but I stayed there anyway because Otou-san said he'd be back soon.

Soon meant any minute now.

Any minute now meant I should keep waiting.

"Chi-chan?"

Onii-chan shuffled out of our room, rubbing his eyes. His hair stuck up on one side where he'd been sleeping on it.

"What's going on? I heard yelling."

"Otou-san and Okaa-san left to get cake." The words came out exactly like Otou-san told me to say them.

Onii-chan's face changed. His eyes went so wide I could see white parts all around them.

"They what? When did they-" His voice got louder, almost like yelling. "Why didn't you stop them?!"

He cut himself off. His mouth snapped shut and his hands clenched into fists, then unclenched. Then he crouched down and pulled me into a hug that squeezed all the air out.

"It's ok." His voice sounded weird, like he was trying not to cry. "It'll be ok Chi-chan. They'll come back."

I didn't understand why he was saying it like that. Of course they'd come back. Otou-san said he would.

"Everything will be fine," Onii-chan said again, but I felt like he was saying it to himself more than me.

***

Dinner was fish.

Onii-chan cooked it because Okaa-san wasn't there to do it. He steamed it the same way Okaa-san did, but something went wrong because when he lifted the lid, the fish looked wrong. It looked too soft, like it'll fall apart if you poked it.

"Sorry." Onii-chan set the plate in front of me. "I think I used too much water."

The fish was soggy. Each bite felt like chewing wet paper, and the taste wasn't right either. Not bad exactly, just different from how Okaa-san made it.

But Onii-chan had been in the kitchen for a long time. I'd heard him muttering to himself, opening and closing the pot lid over and over to check if it was done. He'd burned his hand on the steam once and said a bad word under his breath, so I ate it without complaining.

The next day was my birthday.

No cake. No Okaa-san or Otou-san either, even though Otou-san said they'd be back soon, but Onii-chan tried to make it special anyway.

He pulled out the snack boxes, the ones Okaa-san had stacked in the corner, and dumped them on the dining table. Umaiba and chocolate koala cookies and those salty senbei crackers that left crumbs everywhere.

"Happy birthday, Chi-chan." Onii-chan ripped open an Umaiba and handed it to me. "Sorry I can't do something more special."

I shook my head fast, making my hair swing. "This is ok."

The Umaiba tasted good. Salty and cheesy and nothing like fish. I ate three pieces, then four, then lost count because Onii-chan kept opening more and handing them to me.

"I just wish Otou-san and Okaa-san would be back with the cake soon."

Onii-chan's face did that thing again, and he started to stare at his hands like they'd done something wrong.

I stopped talking after that. Talking seemed to make Onii-chan sad, and I didn't want to make him sad on my birthday. So I quickly finished my snacks and went to my room to get my colored pencils.

The wall behind my bed was already covered in drawings. Okaa-san always got really angry about them, but Onii-chan never did. He always looked at them and smiled and said they were nice. That's how I knew he was a good Onii-chan.

I drew a birthday cake on the wall, right next to all the characters I'd already put there. A really big one with strawberries on top, because that's the kind Otou-san and Okaa-san promised to get me. Now it looked like the characters were celebrating with me.

Days went by like that. No Okaa-san, no Otou-san, and no cake, but the fish kept coming.

I started watching them after a while. I counted how many squeezed through the vents and wrote the numbers on the wall. There were always six. Never more, never less.

That meant enough one every meal. At least Onii-chan got better at cooking them. The fish came out firm instead of soggy, and he learned how to season them with the little packets of salt Otou-san had stored away. Sometimes they almost tasted good.

But on days where I couldn't stand another bite, Onii-chan would do something special. He'd grab an Umaiba, crumble it between his hands until it turned to powder, then tear it open and sprinkle the cheese dust over the steamed fish.

The first time he did it, I thought it would taste awful. Fish and cheese puffs didn't go together. But somehow it worked, making the fish taste less like fish and more like something I could actually swallow.

"Better?" Onii-chan would ask, watching me eat.

I'd nod, and he'd smile.

Onii-chan is a very kind onii-chan, the best one in the world.

I didn't want Onii-chan to disappear like Okaa-san and Otou-san, but he did anyway.

It happened later. How much later, I don't know. The days all looked the same now. Wake up, eat fish, watch anime, eat fish, draw, eat fish, sleep. The calendar on the wall still said April but that felt wrong.

Onii-chan stood at the stove like always. Six fish for the day, split between us. Two for breakfast, two for lunch, two for dinner.

My stomach hurt just looking at them now.

"Why do we have to eat all of them?"

Onii-chan turned around, surprised. I never asked questions about the fish anymore.

"If we don't eat them, we wouldn't grow big and strong." He said it the same way Okaa-san used to explain things. "Plus, if you just leave them out, they start stinking after three days."

That made sense. Onii-chan was smart about these things.

He set two plates in front of me, the fish arranged so their tails pointed in the same direction.

"Hang on." Onii-chan went to the corner where the snack boxes used to be. Most of them were empty now, just cardboard we hadn't thrown away yet. He dug through them one by one, checking inside.

"Sorry, Chi-chan. I thought we had at least one more box of Umaiba."

"It's ok." I picked up my chopsticks. "Don't worry about it."

The first bite tasted like fish. There wasn't anything to hide it or make it better this time, just the oily texture and the smell that made my throat close up.

I swallowed anyway.

Onii-chan watched me eat. He always watched, but lately his face looked different, like he'd done something wrong even though he hadn't.

Days passed again, maybe weeks. I forced down every piece of fish while Onii-chan's face got worse.

Then one morning, I woke up and he was gone.

I checked his room first. His futon was folded neatly in the corner, but the blanket felt cold when I touched it, cold like nobody had slept there.

"Onii-chan?"

I checked every room but they were all empty. It was just me and the fish sounds coming through the vents again.

I looked at the door. I could just turn the handle and walk through. Maybe Okaa-san and Otou-san were waiting in the hallway, too tired to knock, and maybe Onii-chan went to find them and got stuck somewhere close by.

But then Otou-san's face flashed in my head. The way his hands gripped my shoulders, fingers digging in just enough to make sure I was listening.

Promise me. No matter what, you stay inside this apartment.

Then Onii-chan's face that night. Eyes wide, then telling me everything would be fine.

I decided to go back to my room and opened my laptop. The magical girl episode loaded, the one where she fights the monster made of shadows.

My stomach eventually made a sound. I pressed my hand against it, waiting for the noise to stop, but it didn't.

Onii-chan and Okaa-san still weren't back. If I wanted to eat, I'd have to cook for myself.

A fish floated near the vent, tail swishing back and forth. That reminded me of the gloves, the yellow ones Okaa-san used. They hung on a hook by the sink, still damp from the last time Onii-chan washed them.

The rubber squeaked when I pulled them on. They were too big, so the fingers flopped around a lot. It took a few tries, but I finally grabbed the fish. It went still in my hands, just like it did for Okaa-san.

Now I just had to cook it. The stove had buttons. Red ones that clicked when you pushed them. Okaa-san always turned the left one first, then put the pot on top. Steam would rise after a few minutes, and that's when she'd add the fish.

I turned the knob, but nothing happened, so I turned it more. A clicking sound, then a whoosh. Blue flames shot up from the burner.

The pot went on top. Water from the sink. Fish on the little metal rack inside.

I reached for the lid when my arm brushed the burner's edge. It hurt so much I forgot to breathe. I pulled my arm back and held it against my chest and looked at the red, angry line.

I wanted Okaa-san to put the cold cream on it, the one that smells like medicine, and I wanted Onii-chan to wrap it up and tell me it wasn't so bad.

But nobody came.

***

The bandages were in the bathroom cabinet, the small square ones Okaa-san used for paper cuts. I used five bandages, then six, then seven until I couldn't see the red anymore.

The burn hurt. It hurt when I moved my arm. It hurt when water splashed on it during washing, when I breathed too hard and when my sleeve moved.

But what hurt more was my stomach.

At first the growling was soft enough that I could pretend I didn't hear it. Then it got angrier.

I didn't want to try the stove again. The stove was evil. It bit me once and would probably bite me again.

So I waited for Onii-chan to come back and cook the fish or for Okaa-san to appear with her yellow gloves. If I waited long enough, maybe Otou-san would unlock the door and say it was all a mistake, we could go outside now.

But the longer I waited the worse the growling got. I curled up on my futon and wrapped my arms around my middle and tried really hard to believe it away, like the magical girl who beat the shadow monster just by believing she could.

Except believing didn't work.

Then the smell started.

It was bad. Sweet and sour at the same time, like when fruit goes bad in the sun. It got into everything, even my hair.

That's when I remembered Onii-chan's words. If you just leave the fish out, they start stinking after three days.

Three days. Maybe it had been three days, or maybe more.

I tried breathing through my mouth but then I could taste it on my tongue. I tried hiding in my room with the door closed, but the smell followed me through the cracks. It was everywhere no matter what I did.

Then one day, I couldn't stand it anymore.

I put on Okaa-san's gloves and grabbed garbage bags from under the sink. I caught the first fish and shoved it inside, then the second and eventually, the sixth. But the only thing that did was make the bag heavy and the smell thicker instead of better. I held it as far away from me as I could, but that didn't help either.

Then I looked at the door I could hear Otou-san's voice in my head. Promise me. No matter what, you stay inside this apartment.

But Otou-san wasn't here. Nobody was here except me and the smell wouldn't go away, so I turned the handle.

The door swung open and everything went white. It was too bright, like staring at the sun except everywhere at once.

My eyes watered and I blinked hard, trying to make the white go away. The white stayed but shapes started forming, first the hallway, then the stairs. It looked like everything was covered in… snow?

But it never snowed here. Otou-san said so once when I asked why we couldn't make snowmen like the kids do in anime. He said our part of Japan was too warm, that snow only happened up north where the mountains were.

But here it was anyway.

I dropped the garbage bag. The fish inside didn't matter anymore because snow meant snowmen and snowball fights and all the things kids at school used to talk about before winter break.

I could build a snowman right now. A really good one with a carrot nose and button eyes, except I didn't have those things, but maybe rocks would work just as good.

And snowball fights! Except snowball fights needed friends, and I didn't have those.

"Okaa-san? Otou-san? Onii-chan?"

My voice sounded small in all that white. I looked left, then right. The hallway was empty in both directions.

Then I saw them. Fish, floating through the air, coming in from outside in a long wobbly line. They went down the hallway and squeezed through the vents one by one.

Maybe the fish knew where everyone went. Maybe if I followed them, they'd lead me to Okaa-san and Otou-san and Onii-chan, all of them would be waiting somewhere nice with my birthday cake.

So I followed the fish.

My foot touched the white stuff and I braced for the cold. Snow was supposed to be cold, right? The kind of cold that makes your toes hurt and your fingers turn red.

But it wasn't cold at all.

It felt soft and dry. When I took another step, it clumped onto my pajama pants in little puffs, making my white pants even whiter. I liked how it looked, so I took another step, then another, watching the stuff pile up higher around my legs.

The fish bobbed ahead, down the hallway and toward the stairs. I followed, gripping the railing the whole way because the white stuff covered the steps and I couldn't see where one ended and the next began. It was the same stairwell I always took to school, but it didn't look like it anymore.

At the bottom, I watched the fish swim past the konbini. It was Owner-san's store, the one with the chime that played whenever you walked in. I loved that sound. Just two notes, like the store was saying hello, come on in!

The door was still there. I could see the glass and the posters telling people to try the new summer drinks, even though summer felt like it had happened a long time ago. But the white stuff had piled up so high that it got buried completely.

I tried to push against it with both hands. My bandaged arm hurt, but I ignored it. If I could just get inside, I could grab some Umaibo, and if I brought some home, maybe Onii-chan would smell it and come back. Maybe he was just hungry and forgot where he lived, and the smell of cheese puffs would remind him.

The white stuff didn't move at all, though.

I put my hands down. No Umaiba meant no way to make Onii-chan come home this time, so I turned around and followed the fish again.

I walked and walked until my legs felt like jelly. Eventually my tummy and arm started hurting again, and my feet hurt from stepping through all that white stuff.

Just when I thought of sitting down for a bit, I finally saw something that wasn't white. It was really big. So big I had to tilt my head all the way back to see the top.

The closer I got, the weirder it looked. It had a body like a building except buildings didn't sit on all fours. And it had these big hand-things pressed against the ground, holding itself up. Its skin was brown and smooth and had lines all over it that looked like someone had drawn on it with a marker.

On top of its head was a circle. Was that an eye? But it didn't blink, and I think eyes were supposed to blink.

Fish swam up from the water, the same ones I'd been following. They came right out of the gray and floated into the air, heading back toward my apartment, probably.

"Um, e-excuse me, Mister?"

My voice came out scratchy. How long since I'd talked to someone?

"Did you... did you maybe see my Okaa-san? Or my Otou-san? O-or my Onii-chan?"

Mister didn't answer. It didn't move either. It just sat there, big and silent.

I looked down fast, letting my hair fall forward to hide my face. My hands twisted together, fingers pulling at my long sleeves.

I asked something stupid again. Mister would probably yell or tell me to go away or call me Weirdo Chiyu any second now.

I waited, but no yelling came.

I peeked up through my hair, just enough to see. Mister hadn't moved or said anything mean.

Maybe Mister was nice?

I lifted my head a little and looked at it more. The circle on top stayed perfectly still. The longer I stared at it, the more I wondered if it was an eye at all. Maybe Mister didn't have eyes and that's why it wasn't looking at me.

My throat felt less tight. The words came easier this time.

"W-what are you sitting here for?"

Mister didn't answer.

"Are you... are you waiting for your parents? Or your brother too?"

Still no answer.

"Are you waiting for someone to cook the fish?"

Again, no answer.

Maybe Mister has a stutter like me. Maybe it was scared to talk too, worried the words would tangle up and make itself sound stupid.

I stepped closer. The gray gooey stuff was touching the edge of the white, but I stayed on the white, close enough now that I had to crane my neck back to see Mister fully.

I reached out. Mister didn't protest when I touched its leg, if that's what it was. It was warm, not hot like the stove that bit me.

"Is it... is it ok if I sit here?"

Mister didn't say no, so I sat down next to its leg, the one that looked like an arm but touched the ground like legs do. The warmth from its leg spread through my pajamas, soaking into my back.

My fingers picked at the bandages on my arm. The edges had started peeling off from skin that still hurt when I moved wrong.

"The truth is Mister, I-I ran away from home."

The words came out before I could stop them. But Mister didn't interrupt, didn't tell me to speak up or ask me to repeat myself.

"You probably think I'm really stupid. A-and a bad daughter, too." I pulled my knees up, wrapping my arms around them. "Okaa-san and Otou-san and Onii-chan are gonna be so mad when they find out."

But Mister didn't say I was stupid. He didn't call me a bad daughter, either, which made me happy.

Suddenly, my stomach made that sound again, the one that meant it would hurt until it got food. I pressed my hand on it but the noise kept going. The white stuff around us started getting fuzzy, too. They began to look blurry at the edges like when you rubbed your eyes too hard. I tried blinking the blurriness away, but everything stayed fuzzy.

I leaned harder against Mister's leg. I focused on the warmth, how it soaked all the way through now, reaching places that had been cold for so long I'd forgotten what warm felt like.

"I just.. I just don't want them to be mad at me."

Okaa-san. Otou-san. Onii-chan. All of them were probably waiting for me to come back home so they could yell about not keeping promises.

I'd say sorry, tell them I won't do it again, and be a good girl like they wanted.

I closed my eyes. Just for a minute, I told myself, until the fuzziness went away and I could walk back home.

Just for a minute…