Adventure? Who has the time for that?!

“May the very ground shake at my command. May all who oppose me be vanquished in light. May all that is before me return to ash and cinder!”

From the end of my staff came a beautiful, blinding white light. In so short a time as to be imperceptible to the naked eye, the light careened through the sky and struck its target below, laying waste to everything that dared exist in its magnificent presence.

Looking down upon the gorgeous devastation that I had wrought, I sighed, content that my work is done.

The wind mage who had boosted me into the sky slowly let me down, and my feet touched the ground with all the grace and beauty as is expected of a young girl of fourteen-ish.

“It seems my work here is done. I’ll be taking my payment now.”

“Payment?!” yelled the old man who had commissioned me. “Your job was to exterminate an invasive squirrel infestation, not burn down the whole damn forest!”

“The squirrels were in the forest, weren't they? What did you want me to do?”

“Not burn down the forest!”

“Tch. Damned ingrates.” And after I gave them a reduced rate for my services too. How rude! “Y’know, for all the trouble you’ve given me, you really outta give me a bonus. So come on! Cough it up!”

“And then they totally threw me in jail!” I finished recounting the harrowing tale of how I ended up here to my cellmate.

“Just typical. No one appreciates the hard work of a professional these days.”

“Thank you!” It was nice to find someone who knew what she was talking about. She seemed like a nice girl. Pretty cute too. I was sure she was probably in for something petty and not serious. “So how’d you end up here?”

“A guy pinched my ass so I killed him.”

“Ah. A reasonable reaction. I’d have done the same.”

“I’m glad to find a like mind here, Bakuchan. If we weren’t both about to get executed, I think we’d have made good friends.”

“Aww, Tsumasan…”

Even though my head was only a few minutes from rolling on the floor, my heart felt whole. This must be the ‘power of friendship’ thing I always read about in my adventure books.

Unfortunately it was interrupted by the sound of footsteps getting closer. A man came in front of the cell, all dressed head to toe in a black cloak and hood. He was practically ancient, his skin all wrinkled and stuff. He must have been really old. At least thirty. Maybe thirty five. Can people get as old as thirty five?

Anyway, he was definitely an executioner, if ever I'd seen one. Really digged the look, honestly.

“Prisoner Bakuchan.” That was all he said as he opened the gate.

“Welp, guess this me,” I said, hopping to my feet. “Catch you later, Tsumasan. Maybe we’ll be reborn as besties in the next life.”

“Yeah, sounds great! See you when my reincarnated self is old enough to be sapient!” My new friend waved at me as me and the big executioner man rounded the corner.

The guy didn’t really say anything while we were walking from the cell to the gallows. He just kept giving me sidelong glances to check I was keeping up.

Ahhh, the socially awkward type, huh? Well, I guess it can’t be helped. I’ll have to be the one to break the ice.

“Hey, executioner man? Am I allowed to make requests about what happens to my body after I die?”

“What?”

“Well I’ve always really liked those horror experiences, like haunted houses and stuff, but I always thought it was kinda lame that the skeletons and stuff there aren’t actually real, right?”

“What are you blathering abo-“

“So I heard there’s this spell that can just strip the skin and flesh clean off a body and leave only the skeleton, so could I have that done then get my skeleton donated to this big haunted manor place in the cit-“

“Please be quiet.”

He cut me off! While I was making polite conversation! I was starting think this guy was just rude!

After that he went totally silent. And god, walking in silence is so boring. Who’d have thought being marched to your execution could be so dull? It felt like we were walking for ever.

Come to think of it, we have been going for quite a while. Does it really take this long to get to the execution ground? I kinda figured they’d just take me out back and shoot me with wind magic or something.

Not that I really cared all that much about how I died, but I really couldn’t be bothered with a bunch of pomp and ceremony. Get it over with already, I’m bored.

Weirdly, when we finally got to the place where the executioner guy slowed to a stop, it didn’t appear to be an execution ground at all. The flooring was way too nice to get blood all over. That real expensive laminate stuff, y'know. And even weirder, there was a guy there just casually eating his dinner. He was at the end of a long table with no else sitting there so he must have been important.

“Ms… Bakuchan, is it?” he said, in a very pompous accent. Oh yeah, this guy’s rich. Wonder if he’d notice if I robbed him when he’s not looking? “Please, take a seat.”

I obeyed the command, sitting at the far end across from him, though I mainly did so because all the walking had made my legs tired. The chair was clearly made for adults. My legs dangled and didn’t touch the ground.

“I suppose you’re wondering why you’re here?”

“I’m guessing it’s not to be executed?”

“Not today, but whether it remains that way will be depend on what choice you make here.”

Ooh, a choice? I love choices. Whenever I had some spare money from my extermination jobs I liked to buy choose-your-own-adventure books. Guess my job here was to make sure I didn’t get the early bad end.

“So… what choices are there.”

“Quite eager, aren’t we? Let’s start with introductions, shall we?”

“No thanks. Skip to the choices.”

“…my name is Baron Gary Deano Bellman, of the noble house Bellman.” Man, this guy just doesn’t listen, does he? “I am this nations minister for defence. It is my job to keep the people of our country safe and prosperous. As it happens, I find myself in need of your services.”

Ahhh, it was this sort of set up. They had these in the preambles of a lot of those adventure books. Some call to action against a big enemy, threatening our very way of life. Yes, yes I knew exactly what they were asking for.

“Say no more, Mr Greedy Nobleman-“

“It’s Gary Deano Bellman.”

“-because I know just what you’re looking for. You’re need a plucky, energetic heroine to save the kingdom from-“

“No. I need an explosive dog on a very tight leash.” Well that was incredibly rude. They don’t teach manners at those stuffy rich people schools? I am literally a homeless orphan and even I know not to say stuff like that.

“If we’re gonna start with titles could I at least be called ‘demolitions expert’ or something?”

“You have an issue with the label? How about ‘terrorist.’”

“I haven’t terrorised anyone!”

“You burned down a forest.”

“I demolished a forest. With one spell! Show me any other demolitionist that can do that.”

“As much as I would love to prove you wrong, unfortunately that is exactly why you are here in the first place.” He started shuffling papers, all business-like. Then he slid one across the table for me to look at. It was a drawing of me. Creepy. Why did this guy keep pictures of young girls? “You’ve made quite a name for yourself, Ms Bakuchan. It’s been said that you are one of the very few, or perhaps the only mage left on Gaiasei that can use the very dangerous 'inferno' spell. A child prodigy, they call you.”

“Hey, I am not a child! I’m at least fourteen! I think!”

“Unimportant.” I’ll show you unimportant, rich boy. “The point is that I have need for that very power you possess. You are aware of what’s to the west of our nation, yes?”

“My entire education consisted of learning how to survive on berries and charred wolf carcasses. Enlighten me.” This guy does know that I’m poor and homeless, right?

“To our west,” he said through gritted teeth, “lies the Barrierlands. A small but dangerous nation encased in an enormous magical barrier that none have yet been able to break. It is a nation that seeks to deny us our very lives. And you, my girl, are going to be the one to help us strike first.”

“So, what? I just gotta destroy this barrier thing and then I’m good?”

“Not quite. The Barrierlands are home to a great many powerful mages. If we want a chance against them, we will have to attack with great strength before they have a chance to resist. You understand what I’m saying, yes?”

Ahhh, so he wants me to break into this other kingdom and give it the ol’ tried and true ‘kill everything’ treatment. A little more villainous than most of those stories I like, but villains can be pretty cool too. That being said…

“…nah.”

“…nah?”

“Nah.” Yeah, nah. I think I’m good.

“You… object to war?”

“Oh, no, I couldn’t give a hoot about that. Everyone dies. Who cares how it happens? It just… sounds like a lot of hassle, y'know?”

“…hassle.”

“Hassle.”

“You’re turning down your one chance to live… because it sounds like too much hassle?”

“Pretty much. I have a personal rule to only do one or two jobs a week. Sounds like I’d probably need to do a little more than that, so, eh, too much hassle.”

“…so you’re choosing to die instead?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I mean, who cares? I’m gonna die at some point anyway, may as well get it over and done with. Chuck me back in the reincarnation cycle, maybe I’ll be reborn rich this time.

Wait… what if I’m reborn as someone who can’t use Inferno Magic… my one true love… surely even true death would be a preferable alternative?

“You make an excellent point, Mr Greedy Nobleman!”

“It’s Gary Dea- oh, forget it. What are you blathering about?”

“I reconsidered your argument and I’ll definitely go on your quest! Just point me in the right direction and my Inferno Magic is yours to command!” So long as I get to choose the blast radius, hehe…

“You… certainly changed your mind quickly,” he said, raising an eyebrow. No one ever tell you not to look a gift heliphant in the mouth? “But, very well. I’m glad we have a partnership.”

“Ooh, if I’m going on a journey, can I bring my new friend?”

“New friend?”

“My cellmate.”

“Ah. Unfortunately, I sent an executioner for her shortly before you got here. They’ve likely already taken her out back and shot her.”

“Drat.” She seemed like a nice girl. Ah, well, what can you do?