Day Job: Sleeping
(Trigger warning: This post is talking about depression, suicide, and self harm. Please read with caution.)
It's a cold and heavy raining midnight. I'm riding my bike as fast as I can. I couldn’t even hear the pedal squeaking as my feet forcefully steps on it, nor the sound of my bicycle’s wheels against the muddy road. My head is empty and is only going on one direction. When I reached the small road that leads to my destination, I stop. I ask myself…
“Am I hesitating?”
But the answer is immediate and clear. I am not hesitating, not at all, not even a bit.
And so, I left my bike on the sidewalk and run. I run, stumping on the mud that the unpaved road and the rain made. I didn't care with anything else. Even though I'm already soaking wet under my jacket’s hood, I run as if I want to ran out of breath.
And when I stop, all the endorphins are rushing into my head. My heart is pounding loud against my chest. It's louder than the rain and the angry sky above me. It's louder than the waves of the sea in front of me.
This is my destination, the old abandoned fishing deck. The deck extends to the deep part of the sea, it seems like it is reaching the other side of the sea but it just ended there. The heavy rains and the harsh waves, they give me the impression that they understood me. As if they were reciprocating the feelings, I hid inside of me.
I walk on the platform as if I'm just wandering around. The old deck stood still even with the crashing waves underneath it. I'm searching in my head, some reasons. I need a reason. At least one reason.
I don’t know if I should be sad or glad that I couldn't find one. All I know is I want to escape, from everyone and from everything. I want to be happy for once. And this is the only thing I know that will make me happy, escaping from all this pain. I can't bare all this pain inside of me anymore. I'm so exhausted, to the point that I'm not even crying anymore. I think even my eyes got tired of shedding tears. There's not even a light around me, even the sky is pitch black.
When I reached the end of the deck, I sat on the edge of it. My feet are dangling in the air, underneath me is the dark blue water. I'm still pondering on my feelings, wondering if I'm even scared or if I'm even hesitating.
I want to feel something, anything, even just a slice of regret.
"Am I gonna miss someone?"
"...at least something?"
"Will it be enough for me to change my mind?"
But staying here and contemplating, it made me more precise about my decision. I guess nothing is going to change my mind now. For once, I now know what I really want, what I really need.
I stood up, feeling the cold breeze touching my skin. I release a heavy sigh. I guess this is goodbye, for once in my life, I am being brave. Brave enough not to cry. Brave enough to do this.
And so, I jump, into the deep blue sea, into the cold harsh waves, hoping this will free me.