I'm a cowardly person

When I woke up it was somewhere close to noon.

Damn, I look terrible, I saw a bog body that looked better.

Standing in the bathroom I was working on bringing myself to a usable condition.

Those eyes, whose eyes are those?

The reflection in the mirror was looking at me accusingly with its green eyes.

Mine should be brown, this is still a stranger’s face.

The state of my mind was a lot better compared to yesterday’s meltdown, but since then this disgusting feeling of being fed up with myself became my inseparable companion.

Should have just run away outside.

Standing here meant that Luna was still around, at least for now. There was also no indication of any lost memories, but how was I ever going to be sure of that.

I kind of treated her like an advanced tamagotchi even though I said that I wouldn't do that.

A brief thought passed through my head, one that said ‘I will promise myself not to be so pathetic anymore!’. In my case this was almost comparable to suicidal thoughts, I would drop dead ten minutes after making this promise.

But I must change something, otherwise, I won’t be able to stand myself any longer. The questions are where to start, how to change, what to change. Should I go and talk with Votr about this?

Whatever this demon was trying to achieve, I couldn’t deny that he had actually helped with bringing myself closer to how I wanted to be. But if I become overly dependant on him and expect Votr to choose the path for me that would be pointless.

I need to do something with my own power. I need a goal, a long-term one. Otherwise, I won't be able to cope with all those arising problems.

Stabilizing myself first was a must if I ever wanted to be able to resolve the three current big obstacles and others that were unavoidably awaiting in the future. I started pondering over the question of what did I want the most, basing it on the life aspects that Luna had once mentioned.

I need a lot of love, money, fame, friends and all the fluffy stuff around it.

I imagined myself leading a perfect life - with a loving beautiful wife by my side - surrounded by numerous kids - living in a huge house with a pool - and there would be an enormous rose garden with maids who took care of it - being respected both in my extremely well-paid job and among many friends - with health so good that I would forget what doctors were for - the city would want to build my statutes as thanks for helping in its development and for my achievements in fighting against the crime - taking care of my hobbies would always be in the first place and I would have as much time as needed to do everything I wanted.

That vision is cheap like a plastic bag! And is incredibly boring. Isn’t that just a beautified version of: get a job, marry, have kids and a nice house?

This realization started reverberating within my mind and soon there were only ruins left of that image.

Huh? That’s strange, wasn’t that the goal of changing myself?

… now that I think about it, what was my goal to begin with. Did I even have one?

The simplest reason I could think of was that I didn’t want to hate myself anymore and felt that there should be something I could do to become happy, something generic like making friends.

But what is happiness for me? For sure not that boring vision I just had. This new world has so many other exciting possibilities hidden within, I don’t want to ignore them all just to lead an ordinary life!

Goals were the things you wanted to obtain - to reach at the end of a long road. There were so many driving factors behind them that I couldn’t pinpoint mine. But what if I looked at it from the other side and started from the things that I could easily point my finger at:

I’m a cowardly person,
a person that changes his mind every five minutes,
a person that doesn’t hesitate to backstab others,
a person that lies a lot,
a person that is super petty,
a person that gives up without a second thought,
a person that wants to choose the easy way out,
a person that gets angry easily,
a person that is paranoid,
a person that makes too many excuses,
a person that helps others only for his own gain,
a person that feels better than others,
a person that gets jealous easily,
a person that takes advantage of others,
a person that is scared of taking responsibility,
a person that has no friends,
a person that has no money,
a person that doesn’t want an ordinary life,
a person that is moving around blindly,
a person that has a flat chest fetish,
a person that swears a lot,
a person that develops addictions easily,
a person that is a huge hypocrite,
a person that often contradicts himself,
a person that has no moral integrity,
a person that likes monster girls,
a person that is quick to judge others,
a person that likes to control others,
a person that has killed himself once,
a person that should stop enlisting more traits as its making me feel really bad.

Some unrelated points got mixed in, but in summary, I’m a person that hates himself.

What if I reversed it?

I want to be a courageous person,
a person that sticks to his decisions, unless they require changing,
a person that won’t betray others without a good reason,
a person that lies only when needed,
a person that likes to tease pretty girls,
a person that usually fights till the end and only sometimes makes a tactical retreat,
a person that doesn’t choose an easy way out without a good reason,
a person that doesn’t get angry easily unless the other party asks for it,
a person that places more trust in others, but is not stupid,
a person that only makes an average amount of excuses,
a person that sometimes helps others without ulterior motives,
a person that feels better than others within healthy limits,
a person that only gets jealous if the situation requires it,
a person that takes advantage of others in moderate amount,
a person that is not that scared of taking responsibility,
a person that has a lot of friends,
a person that has a lot of money,
a person that has an extraordinary life,
a person that knows what is going on around,
a person that has a flat chest fetish,
a person that will try to limit his swearing,
a person that won’t ever again develop an addiction,
a person that is aware of being a huge hypocrite,
a person that contradicts himself only deliberately,
a person that has some kind of moral integrity,
a person that likes monster girls,
a person that tries to understand others more,
a person that will control others only if they agree to it,
a person that won’t kill himself for the second time,
a person that feels that something went wrong during this reversal process.

In summary, I want to become a person that’s not as pathetic as the me right now.

Enlisting those things and reversing them had helped to accelerate my brain gears and suddenly finding a goal or two wasn’t that hard:

I want to have my secretary back, she has somehow managed to call me ‘master’ over one hundred and fifty times in less than a day, I loved it and want to hear even more!

I want to reform that 'rotten luck' of a certain girl, I won’t hide that I dream of having a monochrome twin like her, but she needs a harsh lesson first.

I want to forge true unbreakable bonds with others, I had enough of cheap acquaintances who remember you only when they need something.

I want to have a safe place to live, not only a small flat to hide within, but the whole city where I know that nothing bad will happen to me.

I want to know more about supernatural powers, they’re fascinating and mysterious a real 'dream come true' scenario.

I want to make one ginger girl apologize, maybe after that, I will be able to help her fight against her own problems.

I want to never again be called a pathetic esper, that actually hurt me badly as I always wanted this kind of power.

I want to help the silver princess with her worries, I really liked to play with her and want to do it again.

I want to outsmart a certain demon, I will reform till there will be nothing left for him to find fault with.

I want to be nice to my cute little sister, it’s an older brother’s duty, pleasure, and privilege.

I want to be proud of myself, never again to think of myself as pathetic.

I want to have a lover, a super cute lovely girl madly in love with me.

I want to create a harem, because why should I stop at one girl.

I want to eat home cooked food, I wonder how good is Silvie’s.

I want to get my laptop back, that was a blow below the belt.

I want to know what’s behind the door to flat number 501.

I want to kick one mate’s ass, he really deserves it.

I want to conquer all the mana spots in this city.

I want to have an awesome superpower.

I want to truly reform myself!

When I had started enlisting the things I wanted, the list grew rapidly and now I had so many goals to choose from that I didn’t know where to start. Fulfilling them all would require a lot of time and energy so I started contemplating which of them were more important than the others.

But I felt that something still wasn’t right. Those were not the types of the long-term goals I wanted, but simple desires. The goal I had in mind was something bigger, something that one could only strive towards and never truly acquire, but not as vague as reforming myself.

Moreover, the type of a person I wanted to be and the things I wanted to achieve should be connected, otherwise, there was no point in it.

The only place where a sudden flash of inspiration strikes at the most convenient times is inside anime...

... anime. Anime! No way! I actually got an idea!

After all, there were so many examples in it of a certain solution which fulfilled all my requirements that I could recite over ten of them from memory.

It was only possible here in this new world. Due to it, I would have to reforge myself into the person I wanted to be. Even fulfilling all my minor goals was possible within its scope!

All that was left was to carefully make an adequate promise, one that would also put some pressure on me so I wouldn’t slack off.

Got it. Now I need the courage to say it aloud.

One deep breath, two deep breaths and when I was going to take the third one, to buy more time, I saw the reflection in the mirror.

Victor looked at me with his green eyes in which a deeply rooted disgust was clearly visible. He knew that I was looking for some kind of an excuse. One that would allow me to avoid doing this and at the same time wouldn’t crush the negligible remains of my self-esteem,

It was also the first time I saw myself reflected in the mirror. If I withdrew now I might not be able to see myself ever again.

“I promise to become the leader of an esper group within three years. I promise that my esper group will have ten members within three years. I promise that every member of my group will honestly call me a 'great leader' within three years!”

There was no going back. Both the previous life and the current one were finally merged together into one.

I had accepted my fate as Victor.

Either I fulfill those three promises or die in three years.

The countdown had begun.

Today was the 7th of February 2018.