2.11 Men's Rights: Mushroom

While the others were working on clearing the passage, the children and Valdek were engaged in playing games and not caring much for anything else that was happening around them. Valdek had only joined the children after much begging on their part and had promised them a single game. But now, after an hour, he was fully involved in trying to figure out which two out of Bertie's three very interesting statements were true and which was a lie.

It had been quite a few hours since they had set out from the tavern and the men had last touched any alcohol. The older, more experienced drunks, especially the dwarf, were slowly sobering up and regaining tiny bits of their minds. Despite this new development, they kept on working because the Great Mage was encouraging them to. And as for the Great Mage Kyros Magnus, he was still just as happily drunk as he was all those hours ago, unwilling to let little things like biology and reality get in the way of a good time.

The men kept working. Thomas' and Thokk's duties did not let them stray far from the blockage, but Kyros and Master Stonebottom went on longer and longer treks with their buckets to throw away the extracted mud and soil.

After one of these bucket trips, Master Stonebottom came running back, yelling at the top of his lungs. "Milord, milord, look what I found! This is amazing!"

It indeed was amazing. Master Stonebottom, in his hand, was carrying the most bizarre and unique mushroom any of them had ever seen. The others, even the children and Valdek, came over to look at this curiosity.

The mushroom was not very large, only as big as the dwarf's hand, but it was a most peculiar fungus. Its cap was divided into a multitudinous array of colors, far surpassing the eight major ones found in the rainbow. More wondrously, these colors glowed with a steady rhythm that seemed to follow a strange pattern.

"Master Stonebottom, this is wonderful!" Kyros said, taking the mushroom from the dwarf.

"Thank you, milord."

"This is such an extraordinary discovery. I could kiss you on your bald head."

"Better not, milord."

"Yes, yes. But this... wow, look at that. The pattern even follows the Caldwell sequence."

"What's that, my lord?" Esmeralda asked the Great Mage.

Kyros, still curiously watching the mushroom, absentmindedly answered, "It's one, one, two, three, five, eight, and so on, Esme. The sequence of numbers you get when you keep adding the previous two numbers. It has been observed in nature before, but this, this is truly remarkable."

"Is this a new species, my lord?" Valdek asked.

"Yes, without a doubt. I have never read any description of a similar fungal species. This is most certainly a new discovery. Master Stonebottom will, of course, get the credit, and I will describe it. Stonebottomus kyrosii, yes, that has a good ring to it. This is definitely a completely new family of mushrooms."

Everyone, even those who did not understand why the Great Mage was fawning over a mushroom, was happy with the discovery. The kids enjoyed watching the colorful mushroom and the bright patterns. Valdek, whose idea of mushrooms began and ended with those found in dark elven cuisine, was simply happy to witness a new discovery. Thomas wondered out loud if it would be worth anything, but the idea of selling it was quickly vetoed by the Great Mage. Thokk would have talked about a similar mushroom he had once seen in a cave, if he could only remember it. But, unfortunately, the alcohol did not permit him to remember it.

"Master Stonebottom, where did you find this thing?" the Great Mage asked.

"Over by the second tunnel to the left, milord. There is a small side passage there connecting it with another tunnel. It was over there."

"Were there any more of these mushrooms?"

"No, milord, this was alone."

Just as those words were spoken, the colorful lights on the mushroom started dimming, and eventually they went out completely.

"Milord... milord, did I kill it?" Master Stonebottom looked a bit upset. "What are we gonna do, milord? My name's never gonna be on a mushroom now."

"It's fine, Master Stonebottom. What you picked up is just the fruiting body at the top. The rest of it should still be underground. Don't worry."

"Oh! That's alright then."

Just as the mushroom mania was about to wrap up and everyone was about to return to their duties (and idleness), Kyros broke off a piece of the mushroom.

"My lord, what are you doing?" Thomas asked the Great Mage.

"Just checking how it tastes."

"It definitely poison, Great Mage. Bright color always poison," Thokk noted.

Kyros smiled. "Only one way to know," he said and took a bite.

Everyone watched this incredibly reckless move in silent horror, but none dared stop him.

"Terrible taste," he said while still chewing the mushroom. His face contorted into a grimace. "This is really, really bad. I wouldn't want to taste it again."

"Are you okay, my lord?" Thomas asked.

"Oh! Yes. Perfectly fine."

"So it's not poison then, milord?"

"No, no. It's definitely poison. You know—"

Before completing the sentence, the Great Mage Kyros Magnus collapsed onto the floor like a sack of potatoes and lay there motionless.