2.10 Men's Rights: Sewer Troubles

The Men’s Rights Group thus ventured forth on their noble quest into the dark depths of the Meridian sewer system. The first few minutes of their journey were relatively pleasant (if one excluded the fact that they were in a literal sewer, that is). The water down there flowed in a wide channel, but there were elevated walkways to the side, along which people could safely travel without coming in contact with the foul liquid. Once or twice, when the mining lights unfortunately fell on the sewage water, strange and suggestive shapes were revealed to the party members, only to be quickly and thankfully carried away by the flow. In moments such as these, they wholeheartedly thanked their good fortune and favorite gods for the utter darkness beyond the reach of their narrow beams of light.

While the rest of the group managed pretty well, Valdek was having a difficult time of it. All his life, he had lived in the luxury of his parents’ estate, but now he had to contend with a lot more of the ‘real world’ than he was ready to witness in a single day. The group had to stop a couple of times and let Bertie down so that Valdek could empty the contents of his stomach into the water below. Despite facing such tribulations, Valdek rejected all suggestions of turning back. Even though he was not on board with the idea of a trek through the sewers, he wanted to see it through to the end. He did not want to dishonor himself in the eyes of his boss or Her Majesty. Most importantly, he did not want to seem like an unworthy coward in front of the Great Mage. If he failed to live up to the Moonshade family name while in the company of such a great man, his father would never forgive him.

Valdek thus remained steadfast and safely carried Bertie, even when faced with those sections of the sewers where the water had overrun the walkways and the company had to tread through literal filth. The others also had some difficulty in these areas, but everyone, except for the dark elf, managed to wade through without losing too much of their stomach contents, and thankfully, despite their drunkenness, nobody fell in. Bertie’s unshakable loyalty to his singular task did much to facilitate the movement of the party and soothe their nerves, and they could only imagine with dread the terrible smells that lingered outside the sphere of influence of the incense, ready to strike if it should ever fail.

The polluted water was not the end of their struggles. Esmeralda read the map incorrectly, and they had to retrace their steps for many minutes. Master Stonebottom forgot one of his war clubs after a brief rest, and the entire party had to trek back and get it. There was one particularly horrible moment when Bertie couldn’t open the lid of his metal ball, and the foul air made contact with the party for a brief second before Valdek lent his charge a helping hand.

Not all was doom and gloom, though. While water was present in most of the tunnels, some of the older, unused sections of the sewers were surprisingly dry and even free of odor. Small plants and strange bioluminescent fungi had taken root in the walls and floor of these ancient sections, and they also seemed to sustain a healthy population of rats and cockroaches. Master Stonebottom, in particular, took great pleasure in threatening and chasing away any rat that got too close to the group. Kyros, on the other hand, was fascinated by the fungi, which he said had evolved some new forms since he was last in the sewer a couple of years ago.

They continued in this manner, traversing many twists and turns of the drainage system and enduring the difficulties of the journey, made only more difficult by the fact that none of the adults were fully in their right state of mind. Finally, after hours of walking through the sewers, our heroes managed to arrive at the ‘last known location of thieves.’

“This is it, my lord.” Esmeralda pointed at the blocked tunnel. “The map says that we need to go through there.”

Master Stonebottom directed his light at the blockage. “What is that? Is that a cave-in?”

“Doesn’t seem like it,” Thomas replied. “It’s got no bits of the tunnel in it. Looks like it’s just made of mud and dirt.”

Thomas was right. It really did not look like a cave-in. Something must have got lost in translation when the report from the construction workers had reached all the way to the royal palace. It looked more like a small mountain that had spontaneously risen up on the spot.

Valdek asked the question that none of the drunks had yet contemplated. “How do you think that happened?” he asked. “And how did the thieves get through that?”

“Maybe there was flood, and it deposit that?” Thokk pondered. “I see such thing happen when river flood.”

Everyone, especially Valdek, shuddered at the thought of a flood of filthy water powerful enough to deposit that amount of mud in so short a time.

“Let me see the map for a second, Esme,” Kyros said.

Esmeralda handed him the sheet.

Kyros started scanning it. “I can’t make out anything,” he said after a few seconds of effort.

“Esmeralda, shine your light on the map,” Thomas told his daughter. “The Great Mage is not carrying a lamp, and he can’t use magic here.”

“He can see, Dad. It’s just that he is a little too drunk to recognize anything.”

“What do you mean he can see?”

“Dad, how else do you think he has been walking all this time? Me and the Great Mage, we only have one light between us, and I have been watching the map the entire time. The Great Mage can see in the dark even without magic.”

“How do you know that, Esme?” Kyros asked the little girl.

“It was in your interview with the Meridian Times last month, my lord.”

“Oh! You read the Meridian Times? You must be very smart. Are you top of your class, Esme?”

Before the little girl could answer, her father laughed out loud. “MY LORD, TOP OF THE CLASS? This is the funniest thing I have ever heard. We Bakersfields are strictly in the below-average level, my lord. I was the same; so was my wife. And I am proud to say that my daughter carries on the tradition. My wife is always scolding her about it.”

Esmeralda glared at her father while shining the mining light right in his face. “Only when she is not scolding you about getting a job, Dad,” she retorted before quickly turning around to explain herself to the Great Mage. “I am improving my grades, my lord. I am going to do well this year. My mom wants me to join the Academy after I graduate high school.”

“That’s very good. It’s good to have goals,” Kyros said. “You are a clever girl. I am sure you will succeed.” He tried to pat her on the head, but instead ended up patting the air in front of him without realizing that she was riding on top. “So, what about the Meridian Times?”

“Eh! I don’t read it, my lord. Some of the words in there are a bit difficult for me. Bertie’s sister reads it. She told Bertie, and Bertie told me.”

Bertie nodded, indicating that this was true.

“But I am going to start reading it now. I want to learn more words,” Esmeralda added quickly.

“Very good, very good,” Kyros said. “I am not a big reader of the Times myself. Too much politics for my taste. Anyway, doesn’t matter how this blockage got here. Our targets are on the other side. Let’s get to clearing it. Good thing Lucian gave us the pickaxe and the shovel, or else we would be in big trouble.”

“Aye, milord,” Master Stonebottom agreed. “I was quite happy with me war clubs, so I didn’t even think of asking for the other stuff. We should thank Sir Lucian once we are out of here.”

Everyone concurred.

Kyros let Esmeralda down, and Valdek followed suit with Bertie. Like other ancient sections of the sewer, this was also free of water and full of lush growths of strange plants and mushrooms.

“So, this is what we will do,” Kyros began. “Thokk is in charge of breaking through the thing with his pickaxe. Thomas does the shoveling. Master Stonebottom and I will use the buckets to carry and dump all the stuff. And Thokk is in charge of breaking through the thing with his pickaxe. Everyone okay with that?”

“Yes, Great Mage. Thokk will break and earn glory.”

“Understood, my lord.”

“Aye, my lord. Let’s get to work.”

“My lord,” Valdek said. “What am I supposed to do?”

“You just sit down somewhere with the kids, Valdek, and watch over them.”

“But… but… my lord…”

“The Great Mage is right, lad,” Master Stonebottom told the dark elf. “You’ve never done a day of hard labour in your life. It’s best you stay out of it. Let us handle this.”

“I… I… will do as you say, Master Stonebottom.”

Even though he did not want to be there and definitely did not want to spend the next hour or two carrying dirt, Valdek was not very happy with being relegated to babysitting. But there was nothing he could do about it anyway, and so he accepted his duty with resignation. Esmeralda, on the other hand, was quite happy to just sit down and let the grown-ups do all the work. She wanted adventure, but working for it was not part of her plan. The hard parts were best handled by those with the ability and desire to do it. As for Bertie, he was simply content to follow Esmeralda’s lead in his official capacity as Minion.

The drunkards took to clearing the rubble with admirable alacrity. The work was difficult, and their uncoordinated movements made it even more so, but they nevertheless continued to chip away at the barrier and had made quite a bit of progress after about an hour.

“Anyone see an opening?” Kyros asked.

“No, my lord,” Thomas replied.

“Well, keep at it, boys, just a little bit until we break through. We are gonna catch those thieves today and get our rights.”

“Yes, my lord.”

“Yes, Great Mage.”

“Aye, milord. They don’t stand a chance.”