Chapter 32:

The Cat God's Game (4)

A Kat's (GOD AWFUL!!!) Blessing


It took a moment for the words Maria had said to process in Kat’s head.

“...Immortal?” Kat repeated.

Maria nodded. “By becoming an apostle for The Cat God, you’ll effectively become immortal.”

She slid the contract over to Kat, pointing to the specific clause within the contract that stated the stipulation. It more or less said that by becoming an apostle, she would work under The Cat God for all eternity, and forfeit her rights to “death” and “cessation of existence.” And in the advent of the universe dying out, she will journey with The Cat God to the next realm of existence.

Even with the heat-death of the universe, she’d simply be relocated, like an office worker being transferred to a different branch.

Kat reread it over and over again, trying to comprehend what exactly that entailed. “So… like… I’ll live forever as a catgirl,” she said.

“That’s correct,” Maria said, taking a bite of the deli sandwich she ordered from Pops.

Kat stared at the contract in her hands. To be more precise, she was looking past the contract, as her mind went deep into thought. By becoming an apostle, she would see the rise and fall of civilizations. The birth and extinction of species. The formation of new continents as the old submerge into the ocean and return to the mantle. Stars will be born, burn brightly for billions of years, and then die out, and she would theoretically be witness to it all.

After thinking too hard about it, Kat’s mind short-circuited. Maria retrieved the contract before it could fall into the pool of ketchup on Kat’s plate.

“I will admit, having the chance to watch the history of the world play out before you is quite fascinating,” Maria said.

Kat pounded the table with both of her hands as she shot up from her seat. “You mean I’m going to become this ancient-looking catgirl?!” she shouted.

In her mind, she envisioned herself with a hunchback and a walker. Her hair was white as snow, tied up into a scraggly-looking bun. A pair of ultra-thick glasses rested on her nose, but she still had to squint to see anything.

The mental image horrified Kat.

“Not exactly,” Maria said, pointing at another portion of the contract. “It says you will forever stay the same from the moment you become an apostle. I take it to mean you’ll appear seventeen for eternity.”

“Oh! Then that’s not so bad,” Kat sighed in relief.

“But you’ll be a catgirl in service to The Cat God.”

“But that’s bad,” she sighed in despair. “Wait, isn’t being immortal a thing people want? Like, never having to die? That’s a thing I see villains try to get in movies and stuff all the time.”

Maria took a sip of water and cleared her throat. “Well, it depends on how you view immortality and death. You won’t ever have to experience the uncertainty of death and whether it results in an afterlife or reincarnation or absolute nothingness. Though with the existence of The Cat God, maybe there is some sort of afterlife. I wonder if I could talk with The Cat God about it?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kat said, brushing off Maria’s tangent. “What else?”

“You’ll get to experience many things, but even if you grow tired of living, you won’t be able to escape it. You’ll be forced to keep going as The Cat God’s apostle. On the plus side, since you’ll be working directly to the heavens, you won’t have to worry about a what-if scenario of getting stuck and being trapped forever. You’ll gain access to some of The Cat God’s powers, like the ability to slip through time and space to a different location. But if you’re needed elsewhere, they can also summon you at that instant regardless of whatever it is you’re doing. Like if you were in the middle of eating, or talking to someone.”

Kat’s eyes glazed over as Maria continued to talk.

Noticing that her audience was lost, Maria decided to simplify it. “Basically, whether this opportunity is good or bad is entirely up to you. One could argue that what The Cat God is offering is very much a blessing. Or the very least, it could be construed as such. Judging by its actions thus far, I don’t think The Cat God acts with any sort of malice.”

“What do you call this, then?” Kat said, holding up her tail.

“The Cat God is a cat, after all. Of course it’ll see being given the chance to become part cat as a boon. Experience the joys in life that only a cat can.”

“Then what about Boss and Isabella?” Kat asked.

Maria pondered. “Well, Boss was worried about being unable to help the Kingdom of Cats, right? But by becoming a catboy, he’s been able to create a new permanent home for them, along with finding work to help pay for their upkeep and wellbeing. And from what he’s said, all the strays seem to be enjoying themselves. As for Isabella, she seems happy with her circumstances. But she’s still a child, so I’m sure she simply has a more positive outlook on everything. So, yes, while it has been a hassle for you, it’s the opposite for those two.”

Kat tilted her head. “Soooo, it’s bad, but also good?”

“Life is rarely black and white. It’s a gradient, with different amounts of either to form various shades of gray. Things can also have different shades of gray depending on one’s outlooks and past experiences, which influences how they perceive things.”

Kat slammed her head to the table. “You’re making this more confusing, Maria!”

“You should’ve read the contract before accepting.”

“No, no! Not that! I mean I was against being an apostle and all that at first! But then you went off explaining that it isn’t entirely bad, and can be good? I trust your opinions on things, so after everything you said, I don’t know how I should feel anymore.”

Perhaps she went about this lesson in the wrong way. She didn’t mean to confuse Kat about the nature of existence and confuse her feelings. All Maria wanted was to teach Kat the lesson in the importance of reading a contract carefully.

Reading over the contract again, she noticed another clause. “It also says here that if asked, you’ll have to attend to The Cat God’s grooming.”

“What?” Kat replied, her head still resting on the table. “Like, draw it some luxurious bubble bath in a marble tub or something?”

“You already know how cats generally feel about baths firsthand,” Marie replied.

“True.”

“My assumption, considering The Cat God is still a cat, is that it means grooming with your tongue.”

Kat’s eyes widened in horror as the mental image of her having to lick The Cat God clean popped into her mind. She once again jumped out of her seat. “There’s no way I’m ever letting that happen!”

With that, Kat ran out the door in pursuit of The Cat God, forgetting to leave money for her meal. Maria paid on her behalf as an apology for being responsible for conjuring that mental image.

“Maybe now she’ll pay more attention to crazy life-altering deals,” she sighed.

***

The rest of that afternoon, Kat desperately tried grabbing The Cat God’s tail to no avail. Just as promised, it never once tried to hide during the chase. Even when Kat stopped to take a break, The Cat God would relax nearby. It would either chat with her or other townsfolk who came up to see what was going on.

Despite claims of having been in the area for a very long time and knowing everyone, The Cat God knew of everything from only an arm’s length. It never directly interacted with the people and places it knew of, much less exposing itself as much as it was doing at the moment. In a way, it was taking a little vacation from its godly duties and truly getting to interact with others. It ventured into shops and houses like a tourist. At some point, it had gotten hold of a camera and started taking photos as souvenirs.

But everywhere The Cat God went, Kat was right behind it. This meant a trail of property damage would follow from Kat’s antics. No place the two wandered into was left without some disaster.

As the evening sun sunk into twilight, Kat had chased The Cat God out on the dirt road near Maria’s farm. Maria’s siblings, with Isabella in tow, watched from the sidelines with snacks and drinks.

“This isn’t some performance!” Kat yelled at them for treating her challenge as entertainment.

“Not from what we heard,” Marco said. “Everywhere you two show up, you wind up destroying something. We’re waiting to see what disaster you two cause next.”

The rest of the siblings and Isabella nodded.

“You guys…” Kat whined.

“It cannot be denied that your efforts have thus far been quite reckless,” The Cat God said.

“It’s your fault for going into everyone’s stores!” Kat argued.

“There are no rules that say I cannot take in the sights.”

“But whenever you do, we wind up wrecking everything!”

The Cat God cleared its throat. “You wreck everything.”

Hearing that made Kat grind her teeth in frustration. It’s true she was directly responsible for all the damages, but she wouldn’t have done it in the first place if The Cat God hadn’t strolled in there.

The Cat God walked over to the children, inspecting the bag of potato chips they were munching on. “A snack made from thinly sliced baked potatoes, but seasoned so it tastes like a sandwich?! Ha ha! Surely they jest! How is it possible to make a seasoning taste like the combinations of bread, tomatoes, lettuce, and bacon?”

Gabriel and Gabriella, who were holding the bag of potato chips, shrugged.

“It’s a seasonal flavor,” Gabriel said.

“Want to try it?” asked Gabriella.

The Cat God reached into the bag, pulled out a couple chips and chomped down on them. Its tail shot upward in exclamation. “My oh my! Human ingenuity, you have out-DONE yourself again! Pfha! Never ceases to amaze me.”

Two furry hands grabbed The Cat God’s tail.

Ha ha!” Kat cheered. “I got it! I got your tail! I won!” She started doing a victory dance in celebration. “I gooot it! I gooot it! I goooot it! In your faaaaace!!! Boom! Doneso! Game over, man!”

The Cat God watched Kat make a fool of herself as it took another couple of potato chips.

After another minute of showboating, she noticed the lack of any sort of response. “Okaaay. I was sorta expecting more of a reaction from you.”

After popping the chips into its mouth and licking the seasoning off its paw, it clapped. “Congratulations, Kat! Con. Grats. You did indeed grab my tail.”

Kat raised an eyebrow. “I sense a ‘but’ coming.”

The Cat God nodded. “And I am here to deliver that ‘but’.” It pointed to the dark horizon. “The sun had set exactly thirty-eight seconds ago.”

“Wha?” Kat whimpered. “B-but, there’s light! Sorta? That still counts!”

“I am afraid not,” it responded in a despondent tone. “But the good news is this has only been day one! There is still time for you yet! Now, if you will excuse me.”

It patted Kat on the arm in solidarity, then started walking back to town.

“Where ya going?” Kat asked.

“I must go and apologize to those negatively impacted by our game of tag. Always leave things better than the way you came is my motto.”

With a snap of its paw, a brand new bag of the same potato chips The Cat God had munched on appeared before all of the siblings and Isabella.

“Whoa!” they all cheered in awe by the generosity.

“You enjoy your potato chips,” The Cat God said before backflipping out of existence.

“The Cat God is awesome!” Veronica cheered.

There were replies of “yeah!” from the other siblings as they started running back home now that the show was over. Discussions of trying to be around The Cat God to score more free snacks murmured amongst them as soon as they went out of earshot from Kat.

Alone in the darkness of night, Kat slumped her shoulders in defeat.

***

An hour later, Kat made it back to her mom’s tailoring shop.

“I’m home,” she mumbled loudly while kicking off her shoes.

There was laughter coming from upstairs, which she didn’t think much of as she slowly made her way up. She was too busy moping over the terrible job she did that day in trying to grab The Cat God’s tail. No matter what she did, it always felt like she was three steps behind.

“This is gonna be harder than I thought,” she sighed to herself as she entered the kitchen. Just the day before she felt so sure of herself that she was going to be fine. But her abysmal performance had shattered that confidence.

She decided she was going to eat dinner, take a quick shower, then head to bed early so she can wake up before dawn. Her first mistake that day was wasting her morning, which she didn’t plan on doing again. If she had from sunrise to sunset to grab that darn tail, then she sure as heck was going to use every minute she had!

“Alright!” she cheered, pumping her fist into the air. “I’m gonna take this seriously! There’s no way I’m going to allow myself to become immortal and lick The Cat God clean!”

She shivered at the thought.

“What was that about licking The Cat God?” her mom asked, opening the door to the kitchen.

“N-nothing!” Kat replied with a side glance. The last thing she wanted was her mom knowing that there was a chance her daughter was potentially going to have to lick a god for eternity. She walked past her mom to enter the kitchen. “Anyway, what’s for din—”

Sitting at the kitchen table was an unexpected guest, eating spaghetti and meatballs that Kat’s mom had made for dinner. Across the table was Ludwig, who was chowing down on his cat food.

“Welcome home!” Ludwig said with his mouth full.

Kat stood with her mouth agape at the sight of The Cat God eating spaghetti in her home.

It slurped up the stray noodles that were dangling from its mouth. “Ah! You finally made it home! And I was so certain you would have arrived before I did, too!”

“Why’re you here?!” Kat yelled.

“The Cat God is going to be staying for the week while you have your game!” Kat’s mom said as she sat down at the table. “And guess what! I can understand Ludwig now!”

Ludwig raised his paw. “Yep! The Cat God blessed me so I can understand humans now!”

The Cat God nodded while biting down on a meatball. “It pained me to see Ludwig and your mother being unable to communicate with one another. So as thanks for hosting me for the week, I felt the need to give them a blessing in return!”

“Isn’t that great?!” Kat’s mom asked. “It’ll be nice to have someone else to chat with throughout the day!”

“I know! It’ll be nice to finally talk with you!” Ludwig chimed in. “But I will admit, it’s gonna be awkward letting you know the cat litter needs cleaning.”

The three of them laughed.

Kat, meanwhile, continued to stare in disbelief.

“Come over and sit down! I made your favorite extra cheesy garlic bread!” Kat’s mom said.

“Kat sure is one lucky girl to have a mother like you!” The Cat God said, taking one of the pieces of garlic bread. “What fantastic food she gets to eat every day of the week!”

Kat’s mom blushed. “Aw! Thank you! Sometimes I wonder if she takes me for granted!”

“Ludwig, you have GOT to try out this garlic bread!”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Ludwig said. “Besides, I’m not into human food.”

“I can fix that little problem for you,” The Cat God replied.

“Oof! I’m chubby enough as it is! Allow me to eat human food and I’ll turn into a pig! I’ll stick with being a cat, thanks.”

The three of them laughed again.

Refusing to be any part of this, Kat sat down and shoved as much food into her mouth in one go. It got lodged on its way down her throat, prompting her to grab the glass of milk her mom had poured for her to wash it down. She then picked up two pieces of the cheesy garlic bread and sat up.

“You’re done already?” her mom asked.

“Yeah,” Kat said, biting into one of the pieces of garlic bread. “I’m gonna shower then head to bed early. I wanna wake up before sunrise so I can use all the daylight I can get.”

“That is a mighty fine plan,” The Cat God praised. “I will see you at the crack of dawn, then?”

Chewing on one piece of garlic bread, she brandished the other at The Cat God. “You know it!” she said, albeit nobody could understand her because her mouth was still full.

Kat went to the bathroom and showered, making sure to use the hair catcher her mom forced her to start using after her fur clogged the pipe. Once cleaned, she spent half an hour drying herself off with the hairdryer, then retired to her room. She set her alarm clock for four in the morning to allow herself plenty of time to warm up. With that, she climbed into bed, which felt particularly soft and fluffy that night with the smell of flowers.

“Mom must’ve cleaned my sheets,” she said, squeezing one of her spare pillows while pressing her face against it.

While listening to her mom, Ludwig, and The Cat God chat in the kitchen, she drifted off to sleep.