The Drunken Monk

It had been a day since the two had left the keep, and the boredom had already become too much for Aria.

"Ugh, don't you ever talk." she groaned at the skeleton.

They were walking directly behind Aria, shoulders slumped and head down. The blade was slung across their back, jiggling with every step.

"Well?" Aria stopped in the middle of the road, hands against her hips, waiting expectantly for a response. The Devil just skulked on by like he didn't see her.

"I am your Knight, Squire. Don't you ignore me!"

"Silence! I don't want to speak with you." They're voice hadn't returned to its intimidating state, so its outburst sounded more like the squealing's of a young child. They kept moving their arms up and down their body, feeling the gaps between their bones as if they still couldn't believe that they were in this body.

"Oh get over it." Aria said indignantly, as the Devil let out sigh. They had been doing that continuously for the last day, and whenever they did the sigh came out as an annoying raspy noise.

"'Get over it.' the pathetic mortal says. Get over the fact that I'm trapped in some peasant's corpse and that I'm supposed to follow you like some stupid hound. And why do I have to carry the sword!"

"I don't wanna carry it. It's too heavy, and I'm not strong like my sister."

"Oh, good thing you have a skeleton to do all your strength related tasks you don't want to do." They knocked their knee bones together as if to make a point.

"Well your not some normal skeleton are you! Not only are you alive but never seem to shut the hell up!" 

"You've been BEGGING me to talk for the last six HOURS!" they said.

"Yeah, back when I thought you were some interesting magical spirit and not a massive loser who can't even carry a sword without complaining. God if I knew you were going to complain this much, I'd have knocked your jaw out with shoe. Just shut up and carry the god dammed sword." 

The continued on the path in awkward silence. A bumpy rural road, it would be unfit for the carriages that the folk in the city used, Aria thought. She'd seen them once when her dad had taken them to Oldroots out east when they were little. They'd mostly stayed in Barkside, not the inner city. But occasionally a stray carriage would tumble on through,  the locals gawking at what merchant was moseying through their part of town. She remembered it was large and sleek. Well put together too, like nothing she'd seen outside some fancy houses.
The horses gave her and the local's a passing glance as it clopped on past. The towering beast had looked magical to her then. She'd seen horses before of course, her dad would sometimes borrow Petal or Butterose from Chapelstream to pull carriages and such, but they were never so clean and neat. Their hair looked soft and brushed, and they had less grime and dirt on it than most people she'd seen. Course these horses wouldn't be working in the field and forest like most people she'd seen. They would just walk around towns, pulling a cart behind them.
She'd told her dad later that she'd want to be a carriage horse when she grew up, and he just laughed and told her she could drag their cart to the village if she wanted to get started. She gave up after five minutes.

Lost in her memories, she didn't even notice a stray root on the path, and she tripped and fell flat on her face.

The Devil let out what she thought was laughter, but the raspy sound might as well have been another sigh. 

"Shut it!" she said.

"I could watch that a few more times. Maybe you should keep your eyes on the road grey-hair."

"Its silver, not grey skeleton man!" Her hair had come loose from were she had tied it, so she redid it as she came to her feet. "And anyway, anyone would've tripped on that root, even if they were looking. You would've if you weren't obsessed with being some stalker creeping behind me."

"Quite the opposite, mortal. I don't want to look at your hideous faces, so i cling to your back where the view of nature is only slightly disrupted by your gangly form."

She couldn't understand a bit of that, but she knew they were calling her ugly. "Well if your view is so terrible, why don't you walk in front. Then i won't have to keep checking my back in case you go running off with my sword."

The Devil gave what might've been an eyeroll, if they had eyes. "I physically can't run away with the sword. And anyway, I don't know the way."

"Well that doesn't matter, cause I don't either!"

"Then... how do you know where we're going?"

"I'll ask some farmer or woodcutter which way is Oldroots and then go from there. This is a road right, it must lead somewhere with other people."

"This is a path, not a road, and even then its barley a path." As if to prove their point they spread out their arms to touch two trees on different sides of the road to once. "And anyway, don't you live here! How don't you know your way to the next town!"

"I live over there, idiot!" She gestured to the Devil's Tooth, still visible over the trees, but still quite far away. "I've haven't been out this far since I was a kid, and even then I didn't 'know the way'." She and her sister had only been out this far once. Usually they would just stick to the mountain and the nearby village of Chapelstream, and after their father died they didn't even stray out that far.

The Devil looked like they were going to respond before stopping and looking at something in front of them. Aria turned to were he was looking and saw something a way off on the road in front of them. As they got nearer they realized it wasn't a 'something' but a 'someone'.
They were sitting with their back propped up to a tree, a large jug in one hand. Aria had seen traveling monks in Chapelstream, so she guessed by the figure's brown robe that he was one of them. There was a horned symbol sowed on the shirt's left breast, probably signifying what church they belonged too. She thought he might be dead at first because he was laying there with his eyes closed and he was so old, but he let out a loud snore which assured her that he was just passed out.

"What are we going to do?" she asked the Devil.

"Leave him here." they responded with a shrug.

"But... what if some wild animal comes and eats him?"

"I wouldn't eat anything that smells like that."

"Can you even eat?"

"I have not tried with this body, but the point still stands." and she had to agree. He smelled like old cheese and booze.

"We can't just leave him though." she said lamely.

"You're right!"

She was taken aback by the Devil's response. "I am?"

"We cannot just leave him here with all of his possessions. Let us take his robe and anything else valuable he has on him."

"You want me to rob a monk!"

"Why not."

"Why n... he's a monk! And anyway, I'm not a bandit. This is probably like, a massive sin!"

"You told me that we were going to challenge the Knights of Haven! I feel like the bar of sin has been lowered. And anyway, monks shouldn't be drinking." They gestured to the jug in his arms and the dribbles of liquid mingling with his bristly white beard hairs. "This is one sinful acolyte. Us taking his things will be a lesson for him. Call it a punishment from God."

"You are literally the Devil."

"And anyway, " they ignored what she had said "I cannot go walking around civilization like this, can I? This monk has gloves and a long robe with a hood. Its perfect."

"No shoes though?"

"Well, we'll find shoes somewhere else, but the point is we have to sort this out before we go to a town." Their voice was harsh, but Aria couldn't find the words to disagree with them. So as the Devil began stripping him, she helped. All he had was his clothes, a small pouch of copper coins, some vegetables wrapped in cloth and a waterskin. They left him with the food, water, his loincloth and a small hunting knife he had on him. As they went to leave, the Devil grabbed the jug grasped in the snoring monks fingers.

"Why did you take that?" Aria said in annoyed voice.

"A holy man such as him has no need for such sinful liquid." They lifted the jug and poured the rest of its contents into their mouth. The foggy liquid came spilling out beneath their skull, wetting the ground and their bones. "Ah, that's the stuff!"

"Is it?"

"Well, I can't taste it, but its nice to pretend." The threw the empty jug back to the still sleeping monk.

Aria had to say that the robe seemed to be working. The Devil had his hood drawn up and was shoeless, but other than that she couldn't see a scrap on skin beneath the robes. Or lack of skin she supposed.

The continued on the road for a while, with no sound but their footsteps and the chirping of birds. All until they spotted smoke from a fire in the distance. People!

Aria was hoping that it was a village, but it was a vain hope with such little smoke. It was only one house. A wooden two story shack, which had clearly been there for some years. Aria could see patches of wall and some beams that looked newer than some other bits, showing it had been continuously repaired. Behind the house Aria could see that the forest had been cleared, and suspected there were crop patches, making this a small family farm like some she'd known back home. Beyond that she could even see field's rising like a backdrop, suggesting that they might be keeping sheep or cows here too.
Blocking their entry from the property was a wooden fence that had clearly been repaired as often as the house. There was a crooked sign next to the gate that read 'Morgan Farm'. Sitting in a chair on the other side of the gate was an old man with a shotgun resting on his lap. He wore a wool tunic that might once have been a colour other than brown, but despite how cold it could get here, he wore no leggings, exposing his hairy legs to the elements. An old sheep was laying beside him.

"Who are you then?" His voice was course , like his throat was bone dry and scratchy. 

"Travelers. Just passing through. Hoping to get directions to the nearest town." Aria didn't know much about this part of Kuza, but she guessed a farm like this could be on the outskirts of some village.

"Aye, I can to that." He eyed the Devil next to her, and Aria was glad they had drawn there hood before turning the corner. They stood there, head bowed to obscure their face. "A holy man eh. That's odd. One with a robe just like ye  passed by not to long ago. You seen him."

"Uh." Aria tried to hide any guilt on her face. "Yeah... we saw him. Didn't talk to him long though."

The old man narrowed his eyes suspiciously, scratching his short grey beard which had splotches missing. "Or, maybe you two are robbers. Too many robbers on the road these days, and that monk weren't in no state to defend imself.'" He fiddled with the shotgun absently.

"You got it wrong mister! We aren't robbers, just honest folk trying to find our way to Oldroots. And anyway, lots of monks have got brown robes like his."

"I suppose." The old man let go of the shotgun, but left his hands near. "Tsk, to many holy men on the road these days if you ask me. And not one of them be respecting God, ain't I right Hoof." The sheep next to him bleated. "That last one was drunker than Old Willy Robin when he fell down that well. He never came back out of it with his eyes open, and neither would that clown of a priest. Disgraceful I tell you, utterly disgraceful. Ain't I right Hoof?" The sheep belated again.

Aria didn't know quite how to respond to what he was saying, so she just ignored it. "So, can you give me directions to the nearest village?"

"Young folk like you are what's wrong with this kingdom these days. Absolutely no respect for those who came before you. We birthed you. Raised you! And you don't even ask strangers for their names before asking for favours. It's Disgraceful Hoof." The sheep bleated again.  

"I'm sorry." This interaction was not going how Aria expected. "I'm sorry sir. What's your name."

"Well aren't you dumber than a ditch. Read the sign!" He gestured at the 'Morgan farm' sign. "Its Morgan! Richard Morgan if it pleases you, though my mama always called me Dick. Never made sense to me though. Dick doesn't even sound similar, does it Hoof?" The sheep bleated.

"Hello mister Morgan, my name is Aria. Just Aria since my dad didn't have a respectable family name like yours." Her words were drenched in flattery, enough so that the Devil gave her their eyeless eye roll, to which she gave them a side eye that said 'stand there and be quiet'.

"Yes, yes. Morgan is good name isn't it. A respectable name for a respectable family. My Mama and Dad built this farm before I was born, and made the name Morgan something to be proud of. Its a damn shame that I have to pass it on to my worthless family. I think you'd really get along. Your just as stupid and twice as ugly."

She decided to ignore him again. "So mister Morgan, any chance you could tell me directions to the nearest village?"

"Aye, of course kid. Greenfield is the nearest village, just turn left at the crossroads down the road."

"Path." the Devil said.

"What did you just say you mute bastard?"

 "I said its a path, not a road." Their voice had a hidden smugness that let her know they were goading him. She shot them a look, but they seemed to be having some fun and pointedly ignored her.

"You listen here you faceless scum of the earth! My dad and mama made this road themselves after walking up and down it so many times. And do you want to know how I know it's a road! Its because useless bums like you are constantly wandering up and down! Robbers and worthless monks like you come up and down past our farm. At least one every day! Don't even know what's over in the direction you came from. Must be pretty God damned special to have so many visitors. Course they probably don't appreciate visitors like you. Damn monks! All useless scum who wouldn't know God if you whacked them over the head with the Book of Law. Ain't they Hoof." The sheep bleated. "That last one was drinking booze like it was rain. Stumbling around like he had the Devil in him. And you! Walking round with your hood up. Holy men should be loud and proud with their face. What are you, afraid of God! What a worthless lot" The Sheep bleated her agreement. "Shut it Hoof, nobody asked you!"
Morgan took a breath and let his words sink in before starting off again. "And don't get me started on those robbers. If there ever was a more worthless lot than the monks it would be the damn bandits who live 'round here. They attack travellers and farms who are too weak to send them off like we can. Course that doesn't mean they don't try to attack us. I had three boys the other day from that gang who live in the wood at the top of that hill over there. Goons of some guy named Large Man. They told me to call him king and to give him something as tribute."
"Well I told them, yes I did, that there was only one King in the land with the Mandate of God, and it wasn't no Large Man living in the hills. I've met some large men in my time, and not one of them was king material. Like Dick Jackieson's boy who'd bang his head into every door frame in the village. Would explain why he's so stupid. I wouldn't let him rule over an ant nest, let alone a kingdom!
Well I told those robbers this and they weren't too pleased. Said I was disrespecting them, and that their king wouldn't be to kind. That's when I gave it to one of them, right between the eyes!" He imitated shooting the shotgun. "Or at least I would've if I'd remembered to load the damn thing. Well, they went running off anyway. Damn cowards!"

The two of them just stood there listing to the ramblings, unsure if they should just leave. Just as he dived into an explanation of how he could always hear Dick Jackieson's boy coming by account of his enormous feet, a man that could only his son rounded the corner of the house with an exasperated look on his face.

"I'm so sorry." He cut off Dick. "Has he been talking too long."

"What are you apologising for, you worthless son. I'm giving them the cold hard wisdom I've gathered over the years."

The man ignored him. "Look, its getting dark and Greenfield is still a bit away. Since we've wasted so much of your time, why don't you spend the night. I'm cooking mutton and there's plenty to go around."

"Thank you, but umm... " she looked at the Devil who shrugged at her, "do you have bandages or wrappings or something. My... friend has a really disfigured face. Like, really disgusting and ugly. And he'd rather hide it if were staying for dinner." she finished lamely.

The man seemed to be trying to figure out if she was joking. He evidently decided she wasn't as he nodded and led them through the gate towards the house.

"Hey! Where are you going!" The old man called after them. "Its my house and I haven't given my blessing Ed! Ed!"

The door closed and all Aria could hear was the man complaining to his bleating sheep outside.