Baseless Speculation

Back whenever I was alive, well, properly alive, I remember hearing someone say something. I can’t remember if they were talking to me, or I just overheard a conversation. It might have even been me that said it. I know I’ve heard it from my own mouth at one point or another. The details aren’t important. Well, maybe they are, but they’re easy to ignore.

A person brave enough to face death has nothing else to fear.

That’s what they said. And as someone who’s faced death I find myself in an appropriate position to critique this mantra. Dare I say it, I’m the most qualified person to critique it. Anyone out there who doubts my ability to critique it is clearly in the wrong. I think we can all agree on that.

Anyway.

It’s not true.

Incredibly misleading.

I faced death, truly faced it. Then I died. And you know, ever since my death, life’s been nothing but trouble.

As an aside, I’ve also heard people say that ‘death is the easy way out.’

Oh, how I wish that were true. Despite what you may believe, things only get more difficult after death. It turns out there are no easy solutions; just easy to ignore problems.

I accomplished everything only to have it end anticlimactically without reaching the goal or solving anything. Unfortunately, this is the kind of story where failure is set in stone. It doesn’t matter how much I think over what went wrong, there is no hidden route where I come out on top. No victory conditions I need to clear.

But that shouldn’t come as a surprise. You can’t become the person you were before. My dream was impossible from the start. That’s what made it a dream worth having.

It was a desire that I’m sure anyone in my position would have: life.

I’d like to start with the most iconic of scenes: a paladin and a ranger accosting a completely innocent undead on a hilltop as she tried to look melancholic. Now that I think about it, there are probably better places to start, but that wouldn’t be my story.

I took a bite of my lunch while looking over the scenery. From my vantage point I could see the edge of the forest, the outskirts of the village, and the barren land that separated them. For anyone who’d ever seen this view before, this was the entire world. I’m sure the villagers understood that things existed outside of their little hamlet, but the outside world was more of a concept than an actual place that could be visited. A noble from some foreign kingdom stopped by there a few years back and they still bring it up like it just happened. Come on people, move on already. Don’t they realize making such a big deal out of something so minor just makes them look worse?

As I tried to think of other interesting observations that would make me seem wise, I remembered that there were people out there who would appreciate a view like that, watching the sun set over the east of the village, so I decided to act like one of them. If I couldn’t think of any more clever things to say, the next best thing was to be a silent beauty. I’m known as a fairly humble undead, but even I’d admit to being a perfect nine out of eight. Pretending to be anything less would just be an insult to my many fans and all of the eights out there. As long as I kept my mouth shut my first impression as a silent beauty was in the bag.

I waited for my visitors to get within conversational range before slowly turning around, making sure to gracefully brush my windswept hair to the side. My hair wasn’t really that long, and it wasn’t windy at all, even on the hilltop, but I wasn’t willing to lose my chance at such a dramatic first encounter.

After unnecessarily brushing my hair aside, I made sure to keep my hand positioned near my face, framing it against the sunset behind me.

Perfect. First impressions are everything, and I really wanted to set myself up as mysterious and somewhat brooding. With a single glance people would be enthralled with me. ‘What led such a beautiful and interesting and intelligent woman to have such a melancholic expression? She’s far too smart and stylish to have such a troubled expression.’ I could practically hear their thoughts. I decided to hold my pose for longer than necessary just to make sure they both had enough time to think all those things I knew they’d think.

And it should go without saying that I knew they were approaching me way before I acknowledged them. I’m not the kind of idiot that would let such a noisy person sneak up on me. I’m not any kind of idiot. Waiting until they were close to react was simply part of my dramatic unveiling.

The paladin wore a full set of ornate plate armor, with a kite shield strapped to his back. The dull grey of the armor was offset by patterns and inlays of silver and gold, making it seem more ornamental than practical. The chest piece even had an overly detailed sun pressed into the metal. It clearly wasn’t something that’s received any use. A single blow would ruin it. What kind of person would show up for battle with a work of art on his chest? My concept of money was tenuous at best, but even I could see something wasn’t adding up.

I’ll also just come out and say my concept of math was just as tenuous, but even I could handle addition.

The mace that swayed from his waist as he walked seemed similar in quality. The pommel, handle, and guard were without a doubt meticulously crafted. Even the smashy bit at the end was overly fancy. It seems unlikely anyone would put so much work into a tool made for killing.

My concept of both killing and dying were anything but tenuous, so I could be fairly certain such a weapon was never designed to take a life.

Most of the man’s face was covered by the combination of the open-faced helmet on his head and the large gorget that covered his throat and lower jaw.

I don’t know much about the outside world, but even I could tell his equipment was too complex to be found in the wilderness surrounding a nameless village. If those chumps from the village even saw something so expertly crafted they’d probably start worshiping it.

Needless to say, he was rich. Probably some noble kid. I’m sure I’d be able to take advantage of a simpleminded person like that without any trouble.

The ranger was a young woman, I’d guess she’s seen the leaves change around twenty times. I’d also guess that she’s never gotten a free drink at the tavern. Not because no one wants to, but because everyone does. Just the idea of someone else trying to put the moves on her is annoying.

I don’t think I’m a violent person. I’d even say I’m against violence. You could even say I abhor violence and I wouldn’t publicly disagree with you. I wouldn’t even disturb the water’s surface if mosquito larvae were on it.

However, society can’t function if there’s no possibility for violence. As an undead, I understand that well. The people from the village were quick to use violence on me, and while I disagree with their motives, I can’t argue with the results. They were enjoying a nice afternoon of society and civilization while I was eating lunch by myself. It would seem then that there are times when violence is the answer. And that being the case, I have to think that a situation in which someone tries to get between the ranger and I would be best solved through violence.

Wait wait wait. What am I talking about? Even I can tell something’s not right about this. Besides, ever since becoming an undead my libido has all but disappeared. Attractive? Preferences? Type? It’s hard to think about things like that when looking at humans fills my head with thoughts of filling my stomach.

That being said, it’s safe to say her face captured the essence of a holy relic, as I could feel myself taking holy damage just by looking at her.

Look away! Look away!

My self-preservation instincts kicked in. If I were to stare into her perfectly round eyes for any longer I’d have been left exorcised.

Anyway, moving on. Her cheeks. They were delectably plump without seeming too large for her perfectly crafted frame.

Speaking of her frame.

I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but she was at least nine centimeters taller than me, and her choice of clothing left little to the imagination. The green tights and leather vest she wore clung to her natural body lines.

Wouldn’t they get in the way when she tried drawing her bow?

Looking down at myself, I couldn’t fathom how I used to be the same species as her.

Scratch that, we were never the same species. Poking out of her long hair that matched the morning sunrise were two pointed ears. She was an elf. Probably an elf of the forest. I was probably wrong about her age as well, not that it mattered. As a human turned undead I was rather open to new things.

Hmm? Looking back, my descriptions seem uneven, and focused on completely different details. Am I that kind of character? No, I can’t be. I don’t think so at least. It’s her. Something about the elf.

Anyway, let’s move on before I completely ruin my character. Her gear actually seemed like what you would expect from someone in this area. She was making the paladin seem even more out of place.

“Hello there, friend. I’m Sanson, and this is Eris. We’re adventurers on a quest from the city of Ah’Ruh. Might you be of assistance to us?”

The paladin, Sanson apparently, called out to me. I felt my entire body shake. I’m the one who stylishly turned around in anticipation, why was I nervous? Talking with humans should be normal. Sure, since I made the transition from life to death, Rakki is the only one who talks to me, but talking with the other villagers used to be a normal occurrence. Probably.

My memories from back when I was alive are a little hazy, but there’s no way someone like me wasn’t the talk of the town. I must have gotten used to turning down suitors left and right.

Was it because that guy seriously just referred to himself as an adventurer with a straight face? No, I don’t think so. Even if he didn’t make such an embarrassing declaration I’d have been just as uncomfortable.

Okay, okay, you’ve got this. Just be cool.

“No. I’m incredibly bad at giving assistance.” I ended my response by finally breaking my dramatic pose and wiping off my face with my free hand.

I’d already forgotten what kind of character I was going to pretend to be, so I ended up giving the answer that came naturally.

The thought of helping Eris was pleasant, but I could guess why they were here. At present, there was only one quest that could bring self-titled adventures from Ah’Ruh to the outskirts of a village that didn’t even have a proper name. An undead elimination quest.

Not that I’d ever heard of Ah’Ruh.

“Don’t sell yourself short, friend. I believe you will be a great help in completing our task.”

“Don’t call me short! You’re just too tall! It’s a trick of the light! If it wasn’t for Eris’s boots I’d be taller than her! Sure, they give her a tight silhouette and help her posture better frame her hips, but that doesn’t excuse her blatant cheating!”

“My apologies, I believe you misunderstood. I meant no offense.”

Even though my outburst was completely justified, Sanson offering a sincere apology made me feel even smaller.

Smaller in an emotional sense!

“None taken.”

Even though I was lying, I’d make sure to learn from this experience.

“Then would you mind me asking if you know anything about a violent undead roaming the area around the village near here?” Sanson removed his gorget as he spoke, making his voice come out much clearer.

“I’m not violent!” It would appear that I learned nothing. “Is what the undead would say. She wouldn’t even flip over a rock to see what bugs are underneath. And no, I don’t know what undead you’re talking about. I’m just a normal human out on a stroll.”

“Inspect item!”

Sanson’s eyes developed a silver glow as he directed a spell toward me. I felt an odd sensation, but the light in his eyes quickly faded.

“Um, I’m not an expert or anything, but I’m pretty sure inspect item works on, you know, items.”

“Haha, you are correct!”

“You knew? They why try to use it on me?”

“Because I don’t know identify creature of course.”

Why did he still look so confident?

“Well, it doesn't matter either way, because the result would have been the same as what I just told you. I’m just a normal human.”

“I apologize for my doubt, friend, but I believe your words are inaccurate.”

“Fair enough. Calling me normal would be an insult to the gods themselves. Just a glimpse of me would make angels weep. If I put in a little effort I’d easily outclass that harlot goddess of the harvest. Let me rephrase myself: I’m just an impeccable human out on a stroll.”

“I’m afraid I must question that assertion. It must have been unintentional, an unavoidable lapse in judgment, a rare moment of uncertainty, but you are likely to be mistaken.”

“Well now we are in agreement. I’d outclass that harlot even without putting in any effort.”

“Leaving such things aside, I was referring to your claims of being human. It seems almost certain that you are the undead we’ve been looking for.”

“You already knew?” This Sanson was smarter than I gave him credit for.

“Wait, she was actually trying to hide it?” Eris spoke for the first time while moving away from Sanson.

Was she trying to get behind me so I couldn’t escape? I didn’t plan on running, so I didn’t bother keeping tabs on her position.

“Well, either way, you've got no proof. I’ve no reason to listen to these senseless allegations.”

“Your small stature, ashen hair, blue dress, and inhuman red eyes all match the description we were given at the village.” At some point Sanson removed his helmet. His dark hair was short and matted down. Contrary to his preference for flashy armor, he didn’t seem to pay much attention to his looks. If he put in the effort to freshen up a bit he’d be an attractive guy. And I’m not just saying that because his equipment made me think he was rich.

“Baseless speculation. Ashen hair, blue dresses, and perfectly human red eyes are incredibly popular with all the village girls in this area. And don’t call me short, I’m compact. I’m being incredibly lenient with you now, but there won’t be a third chance. The people around here are just unnaturally tall. Freaks, really. If you were to find a national average I’m sure I would be above it. So how about you go measure every single woman around the kingdom and come back to me.” It would seem some complexes surpass even death.

“Haha, an interesting quest, but I’m afraid such an adventure isn’t possible at the moment.”

“Then don’t talk about things you don’t actually know. I handle the talking about things I don’t know, I mean, the things I know. If you cry tears of regret while smashing your fists into the dirt I might forgive your inconsiderate, and frankly, irresponsible words. And since we’re both in agreement that you have no idea what you’re talking about, let me reiterate, everything you just said could apply to any girl from the village.”

It’s worth noting that if not for my eyes it wouldn’t be a stretch to see me as human. I’m not like those low-level zombies or liches that can’t keep from decaying. My form has been perfectly preserved. A true undead.

I might have been a little pale, but a lot of people would kill to have my complexion.

“I see. That would make our search more difficult. However, I cannot believe you are a common village girl. You are surrounded by multiple dead ogres and mutilated hobgoblins. I also suspect that the puddle you’re currently standing in used to be the weaker goblins of the tribe. And most telling is the fact that even as we speak you’ve been eating an ogre’s heart, with its blood smeared across your face. An unarmed village girl would be incapable of such feats.”

“Don’t underestimate village girls.”

“Idiots. This is pointless.”

A monotone voice came from behind, followed by an intense heat in my neck. I’ve long since associated that heat with the soon to be pain of a stab wound. I dropped Gerold’s heart and raised my hands to my neck, searching for proof of an injury I knew I had. It didn’t take long for my fingers to wrap around the arrow that had pierced through my throat. A quick glance over my shoulder revealed Eris holding the other end of said arrow.

She pulled the arrow out and took two quick hops back, slicing the fingers on my right hand. For a moment my blood leaked out, but it only lasted a moment. We all watched as the blood running down my body evaporated and my throat healed up. In only a few seconds there was a perfectly clean arrow in Eris’s hand.

“Undead status confirmed.”