Moment of Introspection

After what could only be described as an indiscriminate stabbing incident the two of them backed off. I couldn’t blame them. Most people, and I don’t think this is a quality unique to undead, don’t take kindly to the idea of getting their throat pierced by an arrow, let alone actually having it happen. They were probably waiting to see how I’d react. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that I’d go on a rampage. Actually, thinking about it, that seems like a pretty likely outcome from stabbing an undead in the throat. Eris, you beautiful daredevil.

As for me, I was rubbing my throat. The pain was gone, along with any signs of the assault, but I could still remember it. Sometimes the mental trauma took longer to get over.

And you know, with a body like this I can’t even expect any recompense. With no trace of the wound I had no case. I’d never get closure! Well, my injuries had already physically closed, but let’s not focus on that.

“Hey, um, Eris, I’ve got a quick question if you don’t mind.” I don’t know why I was speaking so politely to the woman who created a quick access port to my lungs and stomach.

“I mind.” There was no added expression in her tone, which somehow made it more expressive.

Her posture was incredibly dismissive as well. It seems like the very idea of her looking in my direction was unpleasant for her, but occasionally she’d take a condescending glance in my direction.

Perfection.

“Well, I’m going to ask it anyway.” I paused for a moment to give her a chance to respond.

How cold. At least say something back.

“What would you have done if it wasn’t me?” It was annoying to admit, but her plan certainly worked. I can’t imagine them proving I was an undead without doing something drastic like that, but what would they have done if I was just a normal human?

Don’t take that the wrong way. I’m not particularly worried about the life and death of a few humans. Even I can admit that would be a little strange, given my current lot in life. It’s more of a simple curiosity.

“Activated a forbidden magic scroll to resurrect you.”

“Rangers can’t acquire such a life changing skill! And if they can, please use it on me anyway!”

“I would have undone the seven seals governing the planet and reversed life and death.”

“Even more grandiose! And you’d go to that much trouble to save one person? You’d doom everyone who’s still living.”

“I would have kept looking and tried again.”

“The most realistic answer is the most terrifying!”

Which one of us was supposed to be the monster that needed to be exterminated? The lack of any kind of cadence in her voice made it impossible to tell how much of that had been a joke.

“Allow me to apologize for Eris. Her actions may sometimes seem a little rash, but she always means well.”

“She doesn’t. She definitely doesn’t.” I refocused my attention on Sanson.

Muscles. Excessive flesh. Delicious.

I don’t mean that like I did for Eris, I meant it literally, because, you know. . . never mind.

“What happened to your armor? How’d you get it off so fast? Why are your muscles so well defined?” During my short conversation with Eris all of the armor above Sanson’s waist had disappeared.

He was sweating under that armor. Fortunately, I just filled up. I made sure to focus my attention on the sun he had tattooed over his heart to distract me.

“Haha, you noticed them? These are my pride and joy.” Sanson laughed with too much bravado as he flexed his abdominals.

“I’ll admit that they’re impressive, but don’t just ignore the first two questions! And wait, are you still taking more off?” I almost missed the large metal boot in his hands.

“What are you talking about, friend? Of course I’m taking more off. I’m an exhibitionist after all.”

“Don’t act like that’s a common piece of information! And even if that’s the case, switch to a less armored class.”

“No, that won’t work. Most of my skills revolve around using heavy armor. Besides, you only feel the rush if you get to take something off first. You understand.”

“I don’t!”

A pervert. I’ve been talking to a genuine pervert.

“Are you okay, friend? Eris, apologize to our friend here. You’ve clearly offended her.”

“She hasn’t! The only offensive thing here is you!”

“Me? I don’t think I’ve done anything to cause such offense. I always strive to be the perfect gentleman.”

“Then there’s no hope for you!”

“A man isn’t dead until he gives up hope.” An unnecessarily cool line, but I didn’t want to hear it from a stripping paladin.

“Meeting you has already killed me once! And stop taking things off.” From what I could tell, he wasn’t wearing much under his armor, and I’m not trying to tell that kind of story.

“Very well, this area seems to have some strange customs, but I shall oblige.”

“I’m much more concerned about the customs of wherever you’re from.”

“The Holy City of Ciel? Truly a wonderful place.”

“Holy City?” I’d never heard of it, but it sounded like somewhere I should avoid. I can only imagine someone like me going to a holy city would be a bad omen for everyone. They’d either throw me in the slammer as soon as I walked through the front gate or pay me fortune to just leave.

“Honestly, I’d have liked to stay there and work in the temples, but for some reason my eldest brother was insistent that I leave.”

“I think you’re the only one who doesn’t see the reason.”

“Can you two hurry this up? If I listen to any more of this I’m afraid I’ll catch your diseases.” Eris rejoined Sanson in front of me. I didn’t have to worry about any more assassination attempts.

“Diseases? Sanson certainly, but I didn’t realize I was sick.” And I’d never risk infecting Eris with anything.

“The only known cure is jumping into an active volcano.”

“A volcano?” I’d never heard that word before.

“Ah, it’s like a mountain.”

“A mountain?”

Eris looked annoyed while scanning the horizon for something.

“Imagine a big hill with a hole in the middle. And the hole is filled with an endless fire.”

“Hold on, something like that still wouldn’t kill me, but I’d be trapped in an endless cycle of pain.”

For the first time I witnessed a grin on Eris’s face.

“So I’m the disease?”

“Immediate removal of the pathogen is recommended.”

“Haha, I never understand Eris’s jokes, but they always make me laugh.” They shouldn’t. “And she’s right, we should get back on track. Do you know anything about a violent undead roaming the area around the village near here?”

“Why go back that far? Clearly I’m the undead you're looking for, but let me make one thing clear: I told you earlier, I’m not violent. I wouldn’t even lift the underside of a leaf to see if there’s a cocoon on it.” Notwithstanding crimes against goblinkind. A girl has to eat.

“Your recent assault on the nearby village resulted in fourteen injuries and three deaths.”

“I only killed two people!” It was an accident. Who knew undead were so strong? “And it wasn’t an assault. I was just trying to return home. It’s not my fault they attacked me for being undead.”

“The other death was heart failure out of shock. Seeing a family member being mimicked by an undead was too much for them.”

“You can’t blame me for the village’s health problems. Their poor diet was probably a bigger impact than the fact that I happened to be in the area at the time of death. They never bother hunting for good meat in the forest anymore, you know?” Why is it so hard for an undead to get any kind of fair representation? “Plus, I’m not mimicking anyone. I’m me. Just undead.”

“You’re taking the news quite well.”

“News? Does any of this even matter? You're here to eliminate me, right?” If I knew anything about fighting I’d have taken a battle stance. Not that I needed to. I didn’t have any fancy magic or skills, but my base specs were high enough to solve most problems with brute strength.

“Not exactly, friend, the quest we accepted was for your removal, not elimination.”

“Oh? So you’re not here to fight?”

“What are you talking about? Of course not. I’m a pacifist after all.”

“Stop treating your character traits like assumed facts!”

“I’m not a pacifist like him.” Eris gave some unnecessary input.

“I figured!”

“But killing you seemed difficult, so I agreed to go with his plan.”

I’m thankful. They wouldn’t have been able to cause me any real harm, but constantly getting impaled is a pain. That’s why I left the village. I suppose I just could’ve killed Sanson. I don’t know what I would have done about Eris.

“So, what’s your plan then? Asking me to leave?” I didn’t have anything against them, but I didn’t have a reason to listen.

“Oh? You already knew? As expected of my friend.”

Too simple!

“But I couldn’t expect you to listen to my request for nothing, so let’s make this a negotiation.”

My primary condition for this negotiation is for Eris to have my children.

Just kidding. I could never say that out loud.

“Disgusting. I’d never consider it. It’s so unlikely that the fact that it’s impossible for two women is fourth on the list as to why it would never happen.”

“I said it out loud?” And I need to get my hands on that list.

“No, but reading the mind of something like you is easier than slaying an elder dragon.”

“That makes it sound like it’s actually pretty difficult.”

“It’s easier than taking a breath.”

“Lead with that one!” Technically speaking the first example is still true, but the area it covers is too vast.

“It’s easier than stabbing an undead in the throat.”

“The last example worked! We don’t need more!” It came up before, but the emotional damage lingers.

“And you said it out loud.”

“The entire premise was a lie!” I can’t have the accuracy of my narration called into question so boldly. How much longer until I’ve been mislabeled as an unreliable narrator?

“I’m glad to see you two getting along.” Sanson looked generally pleased as he spoke.

I was tempted to take the cliché route and disagree with his assessment, but he was probably right. I imagine that kind of back and forth is more telling of friendship than a passing amicability. In the real world strangers don’t have witty back and forth conversations.

“Getting along? I rather you not insult me so brazenly.” In response, Eris looked completely disgusted as she spoke.

“Give it back! Give me my moment of introspection back!”

“Haha, I feel guilty for interrupting such friendly banter, but we should properly introduce ourselves. I’m Sanson Rolant la Équité de le Sacrés, a paladin from the Holy City of Ciel.”

Annoyingly long. Anything more than a first name is just a pointless detail no one bothers remembering.

“I’m Eris. A dark elf.”

“Dark elf? Aren’t you supposed to have grey skin and red hair?” No matter how you looked at it she was a wood elf.

“No, I’m not a dark elf. I’m a dark elf. The dark is an adjective, not a title.”

“Adjective? What is that supposed to mean? I don’t know my letters.”

“Ah, sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“No really, it was my fault. I forgot you were an idiot.”

“Worry about it!”

“I’m a wood elf, but my personality happens to be dark.”

“No argument there.”

“I’m a dark elf, like a perverted human, or a stupid, short undead.”

“I mentioned this earlier, but these examples really aren’t necessary.” And I feel like I got an extra descriptor. If it was anyone other than my good friend Eris spreading such baseless lies they would have already been struck down by divine justice. Besides, if you compared the both of us to the tallest tree in the forest we’d practically be the same height.

The two remained silent. They were waiting for my introduction, right? That’s how these things work.

“I’m sure you’ve already gotten my name.” They probably got all my information from the people at the village.

“We were given a name, friend, but I’d still like to hear you introduce yourself.”

I wasn’t sure if he was overly perceptive or polite.

“Ah, well, I can’t remember my real name, but for now, I’m going by Rem.”

It was Rakki’s idea. He created me from whatever scraps were left over after my soul was ripped from my body. Making me a remnant. The only piece left.

“And as you know, I died. And now I’m alive. But what I want most of all is to return to life.”