Completely Different

“Hey, Rakki, whenever you brought me back to life did you mess with my preferences?” That wasn’t what I came to ask about, but it had been on my mind. I understand that my borderline obsession with Eris is quickly becoming a character trait. Still, as the person in question it’s a bit concerning.

I had just gotten back from my negotiations with Sanson. Since I needed to see Rakki anyway I figured this was the perfect time to bring it up. If things went right, this would be the only time I could bring it up. Rakki spent most of his time living in a rundown hut in the middle of the forbidden forest, not a place I could visit freely after becoming human again. Rather, it was a place that no human could ever visit. I mean, it's got forbidden right in the name.

And don’t feel concerned for his safety. His presence is one of the reasons it’s forbidden. He had the appearance of an annoyingly handsome young man wearing tattered robes that didn’t match his face, and I’m calling them robes, but even that might be giving him too much credit. I would have been willing to bet that originally they were just a large sack that he cut a few holes in.

What made the whole ensemble even more annoying was that I knew for a fact that he had a chest of fancy clothes and other treasure stashed away somewhere in his dirty little hovel. I’ve tried to find it a few times, but he hides it with magic. What a greedy man.

That shouldn’t come as any kind of surprise though, as according to the man himself, he’s a witch of the wilds.

I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean, but the creatures of the forest all seemed to instinctively avoid him. How strong was he? I wish I had some way of checking. The only method I could think of involved too much risk to myself if it turned out he was as powerful as he seemed.

“I don’t recall bringing anything back to life. I created a new life.” Rakki didn’t bother looking away from the vials of liquids he was messing with.

“Whatever, the details aren’t important. I’m just asking if you influenced my preferences.”

“Perhaps. If you’re referring to your desire for flesh, that was me. You’ve got a physical body now; it requires sustenance. Besides, as an undead you naturally require something to desire. It’s just a trait of your kind, and flesh is the most basic desire. Although if you start obsessing over something new, your desire for flesh should diminish substantially.”

“No, not that. I feel like lately I’ve been attracted to women.” A slight understatement, and a slight lie. Getting specific with him would only make things more troublesome.

“Is that a problem? Most creatures are driven by a desire to reproduce, but that shouldn’t apply to something like you. So I don’t see why gender matters.”

“It doesn’t really, but it’s odd. I can’t remember most of it, but back when I was alive I know I’d been sneaking into the forest with a man from the village.” It’s not really a memory I can place, it just feels like something I witnessed. Either way, back then I don’t think I was swinging for this team.

Rakki dropped the vials he was messing with and they crashed onto the ground. Their contents behaved disappointingly normal after splattering on the dirt beneath his feet. He turned to face me for the first time since I entered his hovel, completely unconcerned with the prospect of stepping on broken glass.

“You disgust me.”

“Why now?”

“You didn’t mean a female, you meant a human female.”

An elf, actually. Although I don’t imagine that detail would change his view.

“That’s the part that bothers you?”

“Absolutely repulsive.”

I’m not sure what I expected.

“You might think that way, but I used to be human.”

“I don’t recall that. You’ve never been a human.”

An argument I’d had with Rakki plenty of times already, so I’ll spare you the details of having to listen to it. I’m me. Whoever that is. My memories are messed up, but I can remember the person that I was. I can remember going into the forest. I can remember my face, minus the eye and hair color. My voice is a little bit messed up, but that was probably something Rakki did.

“Well the fact remains that I’m attracted to human women.” A single woman, and she’s an elf. Well, that’s not quite true. I didn’t want to bring this detail up, because it makes me seem self centered, but whenever I catch a glimpse of my reflection on the river’s surface or a puddle of goblin liquids I can’t help but think I’m looking pretty good as well. That’s just how it is sometimes, you know? That’s normal, right? It’s definitely normal to stare longingly into your own reflection, wishing you could reach out to the girl staring back at you, knowing all the while that she’s someone you’ll never be able to hold.

Perfectly normal.

Yeah. When you’re as beautiful as I am, things like that are perfectly normal.

“What could have caused such a disturbing anomaly?”

“That’s what I initially wanted to know, but I’m starting to regret bringing it up.”

“Why humans? They’re so. . .” He seemed to be having trouble thinking of the right word.

“Pointless. Boring. Banal. Trite.”

“You weren’t having trouble after all! That’s enough adjectives, thanks.” I was already putting what I learned from Eris to good use.

“Are you sure you’re thinking about humans? Perhaps you actually mean werewolves after they transform?”

“That would certainly make this whole thing more interesting, but no, just humans.”

He physically recoiled after hearing my words.

“I can’t believe it. How can you even distinguish between the males and the females? Sometimes I have trouble even remembering that I’ve taken the form of an old woman.”

“Sorry, but guess again. You look like a young man. And for everyone but you, it’s fairly easy. They’re completely different.”

“No, not at all. Now the Antian rock lizard, that’s a creature that’s completely different. After mating the males are known to spontaneously combust and the females grow a second head!”

“An interesting piece of trivia, but I’ve never heard of Antia, let alone its lizards.”

“There are interesting monsters closer to home. Soul reavers don’t have genders. Instead they reproduce by crafting their young from the souls of mortals.”

“That one hits too close to home! Let’s get back on topic.”

“My apologies. In the wild, Antian rock lizards only mate once, but if cared for properly females have been known to reproduce up to five times, resulting in a six-headed specimen.”

“That’s the topic we’re on?”

“Collecting Antian rock lizards isn’t as easy as it used to be though. A while back a descendant of my old friend Gary asked me to trick an old flame of mine to turn Antia into a desert. Eight legs that went on for days, at least 15 meters, now that was a woman worth talking about.”

“How do I opt out of monster facts? Just forget I brought it up.” Was I the one that brought it up? Either way, I didn’t want him to turn this story into a manual on monsters.

“Brought what up?”

“Don’t forget that easily!” Was he even listening? “It doesn’t matter. None of this is important. I’m here to ask for a favor. I’m performing a resurrection ritual, and I need your help.”

As far as requests go, it was a bit straightforward, and not even a proper question, but unless I was at least that direct we weren’t going to get anywhere. Rakki’s participation was vital to the mission. I needed someone who could use advanced magic, and I didn’t know anyone other than him that could fill that slot. Granted that’s not saying much, as I only knew three people in total.

“I’ll do it.”

“Too fast! You agreed way too fast. Anytime I brought up turning me back into a human you said it couldn’t be done.”

“Because I can’t do that, no one could. It’s not possible. A resurrection ritual though? I can do that. It sounds fun. I remember making a ritual like that years ago. I’m curious to see how the newer generation handled it.”

“That’s. . . Good. We’re going to start the ritual tomorrow at noon, at the place you resurrected me. I’ll have everything else prepared, I just need you to supply the magic.”

“How convenient. How’d you learn about this resurrection ritual anyway?” A question like that from Eris would almost certainly be a set up for a joke about my intelligence, but Rakki was just curious about the ritual itself, not me. And if you want to know, if Sanson had asked that he’d be genuinely asking what I’d been up to. If he could control himself a little he’d actually be a good guy.

I couldn’t think of a good reason to lie about it, so I told him about my encounter with Sanson and Eris.

—

“So, I was correct in thinking that your goal is to regain your humanity?”

Sanson was correct.

“Is that possible?”

“What if it wasn’t?”

I hadn’t known Sanson long enough to be surprised by it, but that seemed uncharacteristically confrontational.

“Then I’d continue on as an undead.”

I don’t think I’d ever said it out loud, maybe I’d never even bothered thinking about it, but that’s only because it was so obvious. It was the natural choice.

“Oh?”

“Disappointed? Were you expecting I’d throw myself into the river or spend my days searching for a way to die? Maybe go on a wild rampage? Sorry, I don’t plan on doing anything rash. I’ll just keep living until I die.” Even though I’m already dead.

Sure, I’d like to go back to my old life, and if I can’t, I’ll be disappointed. Things don’t always work out, that’s life, even for someone who’s already lost it. But that doesn’t mean I need to fall apart as a person. If I can’t reach my dream, I’ll find a new one. In the real world, people, undead or otherwise, aren’t so one dimensional that one failure is the end of our character arc.

“No, Rem my friend, I’m not disappointed, but pleased. Now that I know your feelings I can agree to help in good conscience.” I felt myself starting to lean forward. This was the kind of development I’d been hoping for.

“Agree to help? Meaning you know a way to do it?”

“Yes, my friend. I’m not so foolish as to approach such a powerful undead without a plan. Before coming here, before even accepting this quest I happened to come across a scroll that describes the ritual needed to restore a life.”

“How did you just so happen to come across something so dramatic?”

“I happened to come across it while searching for a place to strip in the Temple of the Holy Dragon.”

“Ignoring the more upsetting implication of that statement, I’m pretty sure that’s just stealing.”

“Haha, you and your jokes. It’s hardly stealing. I’ll bring it back as soon as my exile from the Holy City is revoked.”
“Such an exile will never be revoked, I’ll guarantee that right now! But that doesn’t matter, stop distracting me with your perversions. Can your stolen ritual change me back?”

“No, it restores a human’s life.”

“Semantics. I’m not interested in debating the details of it.”

“Then let the negotiations begin.”

As far as negotiating goes, I’d already made a fatal mistake. I revealed my ultimate desire without a second thought. I had no leverage, so I had to at least act calm, cool, and collected.

“Is there really a need? We both want this ritual to happen. What are we negotiating?”

“First, the cost.”

“You’re charging me? How cheap can you get?”

“Of course. I’d like to help, Rem my friend, but we’re adventurers. We can’t go around solving problems without compensation. If everyone did that it would ruin the industry. Even if I didn’t want to charge you, it’s my responsibility to my fellow adventurers to do so.”

The more he talks about it the more ‘adventurer’ just sounds like a romantic way of saying mercenary.

“Then let me tell you now, I don’t have a single copper piece or any currency from any kingdom. And the only possessions I own are the clothes on my back.” I’m not sure why I felt the need to describe my poverty with such confidence.

“Worry not, I don’t require gold or silver. I’d like you to pay with your body.” Said the half-naked paladin of the Holy City.

“Guards, guards, we’ve got a pervert on the loose. Arrest this man.” Said the undead, an enemy of humanity.

“Wow, exhibitionism and an undead fetish. I knew you weren’t just a garden variety deviant.” Said the deviant’s partner in crime.

“What are you talking about? Anyway, after we complete the ritual, I’d like you to join us for a few quests. You see, Eris and I have had a run of bad luck, and we’re stuck with a couple quests we’ve no hope of completing.” Then stop accepting them! “With your body though, you shouldn’t have any problem subjugating high level monsters.”

I knew that’s the kind of development it would take. He didn’t even play along with the joke. Even with her caustic personality Eris managed to set me up for some quality back and forth.

“Alright. Actually, why should I? What’s stopping me from killing you right now and taking the scroll for myself?” I probably wouldn’t, but they didn’t know that. They came looking for a violent undead.

“You couldn’t read it.” Eris, who had been mostly silent, didn’t miss an opportunity to strike at me.

“I was wondering why you were being so quiet, thanks for your participation in the negotiation.”

“I’m not foolish enough to carry it on me, and your torture techniques look amateur at best. Certainly not good enough to get me to talk.

“That’s a skill you can gauge?” My impression of this Holy City may have been off. “And for the record, I don’t have any torture techniques, let alone good ones. I wouldn’t even pour water on an anthill.”

“Then you’ve got to work with us.”

“Yeah, I figured that was the development we’d be taking. Fine, I’ll, wait, I’d help you with your quests after the ritual?” The order didn’t make sense.

“Correct, Someone in your position shouldn’t have any trouble facing the weak monsters we need to subjugate.”

“What happened to being high level! How bad are you guys?”

“Haha, everyone has their weak points.”

“Some people only have weak points.” Eris didn’t bother trying to look away from me as she delivered that line.

“Fine, I get it. I’ll kill your monsters.”

That's how I agreed to their terms. Unilaterally. By the time I remembered they needed my cooperation to finish their initial quest the negotiations had long since ended. I’m pretty sure I also overlooked something else that seemed important at the time, but I already forgot. Like I thought, I’m not cut out for that kind of thing.